DP being a complete and utter twat

[GenerallyPeedOff]

I've namechanged because all I seem to do on here lately is moan but DP is getting me down so much. His overall attitude just brings the mood of the entire house down. He's so bossy, whingy, grumpy, snappy, arsey - I just dread him coming home half the time.

The current big issue is the bathroom door. He said he wanted it closed AT ALL TIMES due to the cold weather. Fair enough but we're not perfect human beings and sometimes we all forget. So he wrote a huge note and cellotaped it to the bathroom door saying:

"MAKE SURE YOU SHUT THE DOOR AFTER USE AS IT IS NOW COLD WEATHER. KEEP DOOR CLOSED".

I mean ffs, way to go OTT. But still, we (me and the kids) forget now and again, especially when in a rush so he stands there and shouts "WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON IN THE BATHROOM??" and if anyone dare admit it, he stands there and frogmarches them back to the door so they can shut it. He had a huge go at DS this morning who was late for school so rushed out of the bathroom and forgot to close the retched door. I mean really, is it THAT important that we need to start screaming and shouting at a fucking KID about a bloody door??? If the kids don't admit to it, he'll look at me and say "were YOU the last person in the bathroom then??" I'm 30 ffs, not 8.

Another issue is the kids bedtimes. The kids share a bedroom and so when they go to bed at night there is a bit of talking - I can switch off to it but not DP, he sits there listening out for it and then starts fucking whinging "I CAN HEAR THEM!! THEY'RE TALKING AGAIN!!! YOU'RE GOING TO NEED TO GO AND SORT IT OUT!!!" like its a massive, huge deal. So everynight, after a stressful day I sit down to watch TV and DP INSISTS on stressing me out and interupting whatever I'm watching to moan about the talking coming from upstairs (paper thin ceiling/walls - its not as if they're shouting etc). He won't let me relax. God forbid I sit down and actually ENJOY an hour of TV.

So yeah basically he's stressing me out and I honestly feel like punching him tonight. So is it me??? is the bathroom door and its "note" so important??? is it the end of the world if the kids talk for half an hour when they go to bed???

He even whinged yesterday because DS asked me to pick him up a TOY with his own pocket money - DP reacted with "oh we don't want to be getting him that! I don't want that in the house, no way, can you imagine the noise??" FFS he's a kid, kids make noise.

He's really, really getting me down. The house is much happier and relaxed when he's out.

Ah, so he's crap at his job, hasn't made a success of his life, so thinks he can dominate a woman and two children to make up for it? Tosser.

Show your children they come first, not this toerag, and no-one has the right to fuck with their heads like this.

OP you need to go and read the Stately Homes thread in Relationships to see the long lasting damage that controlling/abusive parents do.

Many on there cannot forgive their Mothers for sticking with abusive fathers/step fathers and putting the needs of their DC last.

You really need to put your DC first and get rid of this arse. Make no mistake, he is abusive and controlling and if you choose him above your DC they won't forgive you.

put your kids first, he is not their dad, he is making your life a misery, you have said you are all happier when he is out. think about it. your kids are worth more than this.

I have to say I always had a difficult realtionship with my step-dad, because he was a bit of a bully and used to hit and kick me over minor things. When I look at photos from then I see a sad, unhappy child. That's not to say there weren't good times too. But in all of it I blamed my mum. She was the one who should have stood up for me and she didn't (well, not enough to make a difference).

OP your kids could end up feeling that you don't care enough to protect them from this man's bullying. I know it's easily said as an outsider, but please give a bit of consideration to leaving him.

sorry OP but i wouldn't let my chidlren's fatehr treat them like that let alone another person.

why are you not fuming? why are you not saying "how dare you do this to my children?" why are you sighing and rolling your eyes when he does this? don't you know your dcs are walking on eggshells because of him? i feel very sorry for them right now. you can choose to stay or leave. tehy can't, tehy need you to fight their corner.

Thanks for the advice, I just needed to know it wasn't just me. I've lived with this so long I've started to wonder how much of it is just me being a drama queen and how much of it is genuine abuse. I was at work last week and I broke down and told my friend that DP and I had had a huge row. She looked mortified and asked what it was about and I told her it was over a mars bar (there were 2 left, I gave them both to the kids - this caused a huge argument in which DP made a point of going out specifically to buy some more). She looked at me like she was waiting for the punch line. That's when I started questioning everything else. It's just so fucking stupid. My friends come into work saying about their hubbies, how they come in with flowers or suprise them with a daft chocolate cake etc - we never do anything like that.
He put his foot in it tonight by showing me a text from his credit card in which they congratulate him that they've raised his credit limit. He was very excited -- until he realised It also said about his current balance which is about £50 more that I thought it was. He immediately panicked and said he didn't know why. He stuttered some more and then came out with a stupid "oh yeah! oh I can't tell you about that, its a suprise!".

The sad thing is:

1. I know he's lying
2. I know because he never buys me anything and certainly wouldn't buy me something that costs over £50
3. I realised I no longer care that he's lying.

OP, show him this thread

and then tell him his abuse of your kids is going to stop immediately

my mum dodn't stand up for me all through my childhood

we don't have a proper mother/daughter relationship

and I hate my father

4. your relationship is over

Right, so how are you going to get rid of him? How much money have you got and how separate are your finances? Whose name is the house/tenancy in?

You know you need to get rid of him, now you need to look at the practicalities. BUT don't let them become a stumbling block. Just plan and then do it.

And in the meantime start challenging him. Every time he's mean to the kids, tell him not to be so daft. Let them see you sticking up for them.

GPO I feel very sad for you just now but I think you've just basically realised what you probably realised all along.

I hope that you can move on from this situation and that you and DC's are happy. I'm not saying that this will be by leaving your DP as only you can decide that, but whatever you decide I hope it has the best outcome for you family.

agree AF

OP you have realised it for what it is, now you need to take the next step. tell him it stops now, either by him changing his behaviour completely or by him leaving. either way there will be no more abuse.

Sorry Anyfucker. I'm so annoyed at myself because I too spent my teenage years stuck in a house where my mum chose her twat of a husband over me EVERY single time. Even when she knew he was in the wrong, she would just roll her eyes and try and gesture at me to let it go. I never did forgive her.

Now I'm doing exactly the same thing.

But I have taken on board everything that has been said and I'm going to go into the estate agents tomorow to find somewhere else to live. I don't even want to try and make it work. I've well and truely had enough and I want my kids back.

Sorry for being a whinge, thanks for the help x

Agree with Edam.

you're not whinging, you're waking up to what he is doing.

Well done, and good luck. You and the children will be much happier. :)

Good luck OP. I think you're doing the right thing.

Glad you've made this decision, stick with it and lots of luck.

love, you have nothing to apologise for

you wanted to build a family...there is nothing wrong with that

not this kind of family though

and please, don't be that woman who puts a man before her kids

it doesn't sound like you, and you can prevent it from happening

Good luck. I think this is the right move for you and your children.

Best of luck OP. You all deserve better.

even from your OP, you didn't sound like that kind of woman, I mean that

:(

I guess your friend at work would think if that was all you said, it does, on the surface seem trivial to have a big row over - but not when you know all of the rest.

Do you think he has someone else as well? Or what do you think he has done with the £50.

x-posted

That's great!! You and the kids will be so much happier. I am so sorry it's worked out this way though :(

Thanks everyone

I don't know about the £50, its a strange one because he hasn't bought anything I've seen with it. No new clothes or anything like that.

Knowing him he's probably been buying bits of groceries etc on it and pocketing the actual money reserved for groceries.

I don't think he has anyone else.

Just communicate with him using written signs. When he interupts your TV viewing/relaxing time just hold up a sign saying SHUT UP, I'M WATCHING THIS, or PISS OFF VICTOR MELDREW.