AIBU that I never expected my baby to sleep through the night and can't understand why others do?

[PrincessBoo]

When I had my son I never ever expected him to sleep through the night. I knew that he would wake up for feeding and that my breasts produced the best quality milk at night so he'd more likely be wanting to feed then. We co-slept from birth which made it all so much easier, and apart from teething and illnesses it was all as expected.

Some people on here though, and other sites, and amongst some of the people I met back then at baby groups, it seems like there is this quest to get them to sleep through as early as possible.

My son will be 3 in a couple of months and he still doesn't sleep all the way through the night. He usually wakes up at about 4am and climbs in our bed. I'm so used to being disturbed for ten minutes each night that it isn't even an issue - however I am blessed with being on of those people who can get back to sleep pretty easily after being woken up.

I'm just wondering what other people's expectations were / are?

Most people are desperate for their baby to sleep throught the night. Only becasue undisturbed sleep makes such a huge difference.
Ds1 slept through quite early. I was well aware it was pure luck. Ds2 didn't. Has nothing to do with parents. Just one of those things.

YABU to say "Seems like a quest to get them to sleep through as early as possible" as though this were an abnormal/strange thing for parents to want.

People like/want/need their sleep and as such they work hard to get it.

No I agree...I have co-slept with both of my DDs (still am with DD2 as she is only 15 weeks old). It seems like the instinctive thing to do. Sometimes she wakes up 4 or 5 times a night on a bad night but all I do is latch her on and go back to sleep, I am awake for less than a minute.

I am reading Deborah Jackson's book, Three in Bed, at the moment and what she says makes so much sense. Babies are not meant to sleep all night every night, if they do I guess that's a bonus, but if they don't well that's what babies do and it shouldn't become such a big issue. It seems like mums get too competitive over it too, and I don't know of any babies who sleep through the night from a very young age in their own cot without parents using some degree of crying-it-out, which is child cruelty IMO. Flame me if you like, I don't care!

totally agree. my mum was constantly on about feeding my dses up last thing at night so tehy sleep through (tehy didn't) but i knew before i had them they wouldn't. i expected that. i think anyone who tells themselves their babies will or shoudl sleep through are setting themselves up for a lot of frustration.

i never expected my son to sleep through, but by his 1st birthday i was still up 3-4 times a night.
i was also working 3 days a week getting up at 5am and i was walking around like a zombie.

i kept telling myself i will get better, but still at the age of 4.5 he still wakes up in the night.

now i suffer from sleep problems and it takes me forever to go to sleep and i drink up to 8 liters of energy drinks a week to be able to function

So was I unusual Oblomov in that I wasn't desperate? I was knackered of course, (still am some days) but I expected to be. That's my point I think. Do people really expect it will happen that quickly?

i realise now that i was fortunate, i had long periods of sleep from teh twins being about 5 or 6 months - i could probably get 6 hours.

no i couldn't cope with being woken in the night

i couldn't cope with co sleeping.

sleep is very very important to me, i literally cannot cope during the day if i have had a large amount of broken sleep.

And the other thing I am thinking is where does this expectation come from?

I don't think that needing sleep is a starnge thing, of course I don't, I've had my fair share of days when I have been like a zombie because of being up all night with a poorly or teething baby, but it's the expectation that interests me is all.

I think midwives and HVs should have a policy of creating the expectation amongst new parents and parents-to-be that sleepless nights are to be expected, are part and parcel of having a young baby, and that they should simply go with the flow. I really believe that a large part of the stress of early parenthood could be avoided if people just accepted that broken sleep is inevitable and developed techniques for managing it. That said, I'm aware that some people find it very difficult to go back to sleep after being woken, but I do think co-sleeping (or at least sleeping right next to your baby) can mean a minimum of disruption to sleep. I really don't get why you'd want to go downstairs and watch tv while feeding your baby at 4am, that's got to be the best way to totally disrupt your sleep patterns.

some people can function on less sleep than others

it's not just to do with expectations

my mum used to get nauseous if she was woken up early in the morning- my dad otoh was up with the lark; nothing whatsoever to do with expectations

I was ok, doesn't mean every new mum has to be

princessBoo, when you have to be up for 5am, then a busy 8 hour day on your feet on a non stop hosital ward...sleep is ver important.

The question I am asking is about expectations though Cory, not what you ended up doing as a result of how your child's sleep pattern developed.

I work too Auntie and my going back to work after mat leave coincided with the worst bout of teething and bad sleeping my son ever had. I am not saying I always cope well without sleep - my point is - none of it surprised me.

If you can't deal with unbroken nights of sleep - may I suggest not having children. Simples.

If both you and your son (and anyone else in your family affected) like being up at night and feel no ill effects from 3 years of broken sleep, then that's great.

I didn't expect sleep for the first 6 months. With my twins I was pleasantly surprised as they slept through at 3 months, with intermittent blips (some of which felt tortuous at the time but in retrospect were pretty short-lived). My daughter, on the other hand, has needed considerable persuading that sleep is for her. We are all quite bit less grumpy now that she more or less sleeps through, her not least. Letting children set their own pace on learning to sleep for 3 years plus would not be my choice, unless it was clear that they were naturally good sleepers from early on.

my son was approx 4.5 when i went back to work, so getting up 3-4 times a night then working i can't remember him being a baby apart from the extreme tirdness i felt.

i saddens me to have little memory of those 1st years due to lack of sleep

Autodidact I never said I liked being up in the night - and I didn't say I felt no ill effects either, but the way things are is fine for us at the moment.

This isn't meant to be a thread about what you end up doing as I said above- I am not doing an anti-CC thing here, I think people end up doing what is right for them.

I'm not going to use the E word again, but that is honestly all I'm interested in!

Congratulations on posting possibly the smuggest post I have read on 4+ years on Mumsnet.

How marvellous that you are so wonderful.

Ha haaaaa, x-post.

No the secondcoming of course I'm not - but I was waiting for that one.

I didn't expect, Boo. Do people expect ? I hope not, becasue as others have said they could be seting themselves up for a fall.
Was extremely happy that he did.
Igetmorelovefromthecat, when you say you don't know anyone who has had a baby sleep through, without using crying-it-out, do you mean in RL ?
Becasue lots of peoples babies do sleep through very young.
DS1 did. That kid was clockwork. Bed at 7. Bf at 10. Bf at 2. Waoke at 6. Bfed again.
That kid was 6,10,2,6,10,2. It was amazing. Like it from a week old. Did it himself. At 10 weeks he dropped the 10 pm feed. And at 13 weeks he dropped the 2am feed. Slept through at 13 weeks. And has done 95% of the time ever since, even when ill. And now he's nearly 7.

LUCK. Did I gloat at the time ? NO.
And I got my com-uppance with ds2 becasue he was awake , on-and-off, from 6pm to 6 am, most of the night, screaming in agony, for a whole 3 months.

Loads of babies sleep through. Not everyone needs to lie about it, just for competitive reasons. Lots of babies don't sleep through.
I've had one of each.

Agree with nameymcnamechange and secondcoming. Sorry can't see the point of the post either. Both DCs slept through from 12 weeks with no sleep training, just stopped waking up for a feed, am I supposed to beat myself about that, because i wasn't up every night for three years.

I've read far, far smugger things here on MN namey - but thanks for the accolade.

I am fortunate to have been brought up with children, friend's having children and a close friend having her child 6 months before me. If I hadn't had that then nothing I was told by my midwife prior to having my son would have prepared me for what life with a newborn would be like.

And FWIW (and I know it's unusual here in AIBU) I do apologise if I seem smug, it wasn't my intention, but that's the risk when you post in here isn't it?

Op i get what you are saying. i know you aren't being smug.