AIBU that I never expected my baby to sleep through the night and can't understand why others do?

[PrincessBoo]

When I had my son I never ever expected him to sleep through the night. I knew that he would wake up for feeding and that my breasts produced the best quality milk at night so he'd more likely be wanting to feed then. We co-slept from birth which made it all so much easier, and apart from teething and illnesses it was all as expected.

Some people on here though, and other sites, and amongst some of the people I met back then at baby groups, it seems like there is this quest to get them to sleep through as early as possible.

My son will be 3 in a couple of months and he still doesn't sleep all the way through the night. He usually wakes up at about 4am and climbs in our bed. I'm so used to being disturbed for ten minutes each night that it isn't even an issue - however I am blessed with being on of those people who can get back to sleep pretty easily after being woken up.

I'm just wondering what other people's expectations were / are?

I know how you feel, I started to contemplate having another one, after ds started to sleep better.

fwiw I think it's easier to have a bad sleeper second time round - doesn't hit you like a train so much and you don't overthink everything. Don't discount the idea yet, Toys - ds is an utter bugger for sleep - worse than practically anything I've read here, but it's still the best thing ever to have him. And when your ds is older you can do things that keep him from bothering you - dd is 4 and has had story cds in her room for ages - for over a year she gets up and switches one on if she wakes up and can't get back to sleep.

x-posts with bump - ok, ds not as bad as that!

I disagree habbiboom. I didn't expect babies to sleep through the night before I had dd. Then she was so good I thought wow this actually isn't so bad lets have another and then slam the train hit me that is ds... DD raised my expectations and then I had to start all over and it hit me harder.. had I had ds first I wouldn't have had the expectation iyswim...

I used to console myself thinking that ds was particularly sociable and needed company

I wasn't best pleased when ds was only a few months old (and I was shattered) and a friend told me that he needed to sleep so that his brain cells could multiply... ...

lol Habbiboom he is a bit better now.. although I still sometimes find myself waking up numb from cold where I have fallen asleep on his bedroom floor while trying to get him to sleep..

I was desperate for both of mine to sleep through, because I was knackered. And unfortunately had a perfect example of a relaxed chilled-out easy sleeper right under my nose, as my best antenatal friend had an angel baby.

Having the baby in the bed only worked for us when she was very little (under 6 months). At the end of my breastfeeding career we used to have DD2 (12-18 months) in the bed with us from about 4am so that DH could get some sleep. But she used to feed like she was trying to suck a pineapple through a straw, and yell at me to change sides every 20 minutes, so it wasn't too restful for me.

ToysRLuv. - I quite understand what you mean about stopping at 1 (as I said earlier, I have stopped at 2 partly because the sleep dep. affected me so much (and mine were pretty good sleepers!).

But it is only part of it, and as bumps said, babies can be incredibly different. Maybe at some point you'll be able to face it .... I hesitate to push the idea of having two too much, but I am very glad I did.

I have never met a single parent who expects their baby to sleep through the night, not right from the word go anyway. You must be mixing with some odd folk OP.

Every parent I know would sell their soul for a full night sleep, I know I would.

or their children a saffy

Well I ^do not think princessboo is being unreasonable at all 'formashgetsmash'. I love and miss my sleep but babies are not designed to sleep through just because we want them and there are plenty of parents who seem to be on a mission to get their kids to sleep through as soon as they can!

hay not a sorry

I am very glad that we have two, but neither have been good sleepers. I was a bit in denial when I was pregnant with DD2 and thought that all babies must be different. Well, yes, but not that different in my case.

It was totally worth it, but I was a zombie and feel that I lost 4 years of my life in some respects (two babies within two years including rubbish pregnancies). Now that I am through it, I can see the advantage of a smaller gap - we have the baby stuff over and done with and I can get on with the rest of my life. Which is sad, because I think that the baby stage is very special. But I am just too exhausted to appreciate it.

YANBU. I chose to have a baby - I knew what I was in for.

I honestly don't know anyone who has had a baby and not expected sleepless nights.

However, it is not unreasonable to expect babies to, at some point, sleep, independently and soundly. For some it comes naturally, others need a bit of help.

OP YABU if you don't recognise that some of the posts on here asking for help on encouraging babies to sleep better/longer are often driven by parents in extreme desperation and massive sleep deprivation that has been going on, and potentially getting worse, for MONTHS. Soothing a baby to sleep and knowing how/when to respond to their needs at night does not come naturally to everybody.

And when you need to go back to work, there is an added pressure too.

Coping with day to day living is so much easier after a good night's sleep. New parents often wonder if/when/how they will ever achieve this so it is not unreasonable to come here looking for advice.

Having just gone back to work, one of the first things people were asking me was whether my son was sleeping through the night or not.
Many people have the opinion that he should be sleeping right through and not needing milk, too. But as with many other things I think it's going to be best to let him set the pace.
Which is a bummer, because he's terrible at the moment, but every time we try to change his sleeping patterns by force he just becomes even worse. We tried the cry-it-out but it had a negative effect on his mood the whole day through, and then he would scream the place down when he sensed the bedtime routine was about to begin again, so we just accept that he will wake once, maybe twice as a rule, and poo to what other people think. He's our baby, after all, so we know him best.

CCF I really can't understand why you are so antagonistic towards the OP. I don't think she has said anything about her being a "proper parent" or that co-sleeping and breastfeeding are the only way to ensure that a baby sleeps through the night?
I read Princess's OP as her describing what she does/did with her child and the positives and negatives of her experience with that. Nowhere does she say she has the perfect child who sleeps all the way through due to her fantastic parenting...
It seems she feels that she expected the sleep pattern to be pretty much as it is and wonders what others expectations were... Not much to take offense at imo...

I have to say that the thought of having another baby with the same sleep pattern as mine does worry me somewhat - In the early days post I slept a lot when my son did and it was bliss. The thought of having to balance that with a pre-schooler around too means that it won't be possible, and I do wonder how I would cope with that.

Crazycatlady I'm not talking about those who have had months of sleep deprivation and need help. I'm talking about younger babies and that rush and worry that some - not my close friends - people do have. And I'm not, no matter what others say, being judgey about that, I'm just wondering if some people have unrealistic expectations. I'm quite happy to be wrong about what I think.

I think it's a really interesting point that Autodidact made yesterday 'I do wonder if parental expectations often do broadly predict outcomes, sleep-wise, as in other ways.'

Rightly or wrongly I've always been a lazy parent tried to 'go with the flow' with my son. I didn't really know what to expect as he grew into his pre-school years regarding sleep and we have made changes to the way we started of course, even though he usually ends up in our bed we don't start off the evening that way. I suppose there is the 'rod for my own back' argument, but as I said, it isn't a problem now. The rod only exists if it's an issue for you. That's not to say it might not become one if I do get pregnant again, and my needs change.

Thanks Bootymum

Pretty boring for AIBU really isnt it - I posted here because I thought we may get an interesting discussion. And one is being had on the whole I think :)

BISCUIT!!!!!

Thanks for clarifying Princess

I don't think I've met anyone in real life with unrealistic expectations about babies sleep patterns. Just hope that the broken nights will come to an end at some point! And sometimes some uncertainty over how to handle the night wakings beyond the newborn days.

And as a frequent visitor to the 'sleep' forum on here when DD was in her small baby days I don't recall there being any threads saying 'my 6 wk old wakes up 3 times a night, help!' or other such nonsense that might have indicated unrealistic expecations.

Sorry... [they just hope that the broken nights will end]

Ours, thankfully, ended at 6 months. Who knows what will happen with the DC that is currently cooking. I probably have more unrealistic expectations second time round to be honest, having had a good sleeper in DD.

It probably just really is the odd few then Catlady. I think I am probably looking back at the baby days with rose coloured glasses somewhat as well, probably because I am so blimmin' broody at the moment!

Princess - as your last post suggests, parental personality comes into this. I'm not really a go-with-the flow sort of person. Certainly not 10 years ago when DS1 was born. I was very conscious of trying to get organised and not making rods for backs.

I did expect that the baby would not sleep through the night, but I didn't expect to not be able to go back to sleep afterwards.