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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To expect DD's teacher to use the name we gave her?

132 replies

MumblingClothDoll · 07/11/2010 16:16

DD has a double barreled surname...hyphenated. She began in year2 of her school this year and then another child with the same first name joined the class....so her teacher began Calling them Anna B and Anna M....my daughter being Anna M...now...technically my DD is Anna M-S....should I say something or not? Anna M appears on lists, and charts and everything...and DD does not seem to mind but not sure how DH would feel.

Here's the thing...we are going away for a year and returning to the same school for year three...so should I just leave it for now? Or say something?

I don't feel quite comfortable with the teacher doing this...I guess it's to make things easier but it seems a bit rude to me...tell me ....what do you think and is it worth mentioning or should I just indicate to her new teacher next year that we prefer her full surname used?

I am bad at approaching things like this...I always come over as hysterical and anxious...

OP posts:

emptyshell · 08/11/2010 08:15

Oh gawd. If the worst that happens in your child's school career is that short hand when labelling bits of work and distinguishing between two kids with the same first name - she gets referred to by ONE initial from her surname instead of two... you're doing pretty well.

You're being ridiculous.

hocuspontas · 08/11/2010 08:18

Please don't go in about this. When you do have something real that needs sorting out you might not be taken seriously.

BalloonSlayer · 08/11/2010 08:30

Surely if it really is insignificant, as so many posters have said, then it shouldn't be a problem for the teacher to do it differently.

I know the OP's little girl isn't bothered but I have found over the years that one of the most subtle ways people tend to put others down is to refuse to bother to get their name right. Not that I think this is what this teacher is doing, of course, but there is a surprising amount of "Well this is how I think your name should be pronounced so this is what I'll call you" around.

OP I'd wait till parents' evening or open day and mention it then. If t'were me I'd do it in a self-deprecating way: "I know it's silly but when I see Anna M I think 'Who's that?' because I always use Anna M-S myself. I keep thinking she's brought home someone else's work. Could it be changed to Anna M-S?" Then change the subject quickly to how much she loves school.

piscesmoon · 08/11/2010 08:39

I can't believe how petty this is!! It is nothing about names-the teacher needs speed. Everyone knows her name.

HappyMummyOfOne · 08/11/2010 09:03

I think you should ask the teacher, on a Monday i'm sure they need a laugh in the staffroom

BendyBob · 08/11/2010 09:09

Lol I thought you were going to say the teacher was calling your dd some annoying nickname you didn't like. This wouldn't bother me a bit.

pink4ever · 08/11/2010 09:23

"hysterical and anxious" I would never have guessed? but then I think hyphenated names are egotistical and plain daft.

GuyFawkesIsMyLoveSlave · 08/11/2010 09:24

Her name isn't Anna M or Anna M-S. It's Anna Msomething-Ssomething. M is an initial used to distinguish her from Other Anna and it is the first letter of her surname. As A1980 says, presumably she is listed between the L's and the N's on the register.

Teach her to write Anna M-S herself, by all means. But you WDBU to object to the teacher's using what actually is the first letter of her surname as the first letter of her surname.

piscesmoon · 08/11/2010 09:28

Although I think it petty beyond belief when it is just a quick way to differentiate-you have to accept that your DC comes under the M's alphabetically. If my surname was Pisces-Moon and I was to tick my name off on a register at the start of the meeting I would have to look under P,there simply wouldn't be a heading of P-M, that is all there is to it.
If the teacher calls out all the DCs with a surname starting with M are to go to the library now your DD would go.

alittlebitshy · 08/11/2010 09:30

we have the same issue. well, not now but at dd's old school.

our surname is double barrelled but not hyphenated (was a scottish thing a few generations back - to have a hyphen you needed a certain amount of land, which dh's ancestors didn't. i love that story!).

There were 2 girls by my dd's name in her class so she was known by the first letter of the first part of the surname. we went with it (bless her - when she signed cards etc even to us she would write "name initial" ) but when we wrote her name on something we always put both letters on and somehow it improved. Then the other girl left so she was able to lose the initial anyhow .

It was important to us - because being called by half a surname is wrong but we put more emphasis on making sure they used the whole name when using the entire name rather than when doing initials. does that make any sense??

alittlebitshy · 08/11/2010 09:37

pink4ever but you making the assumption that all double barrelled names are 2 current parents putting their names together for their own child.
Sometimes (often!) it is a historical thing - important to the generations of the family that went before.

Sometimes I get irritated at having such a long name especially when we have to explain, no, no hyphen, no it will be under THIS letter not the other one, it is spelt a b c d etc but i love the fact that my husband's ancestors have such a story attached and this it is important for our children to understand that their name is important to the family, not something that we made up! Rarely would I assume that such a name was created for this generation!

piscesmoon · 08/11/2010 09:37

If she lined up alphabetically she would still be in line with the first letter of the first part of the surname, alittlebitshy.
I

alittlebitshy · 08/11/2010 10:15

Yes she would indeed. Although people do the strangest things with our name. With no hyphen they sometimes assume the first bit is a middle name or part of the first name (not that it sounds like a first name) and we get filed in all sorts of places. I think when we first registered at the doctors when dd was a baby all 3 of us were filed in different places. very amusing (but annoying)

BalloonSlayer · 08/11/2010 10:31

Teacher needs speed, my arse.

If one of the girls was called Anna Miller and one was called Anna Martin the teacher wouldn't be able to use M, and would have to use the whole surname. That'd take a bit longer. What would the teacher do, put in for overtime?

Why is saying MS such an inconvenience?

I repeat, if this really doesn't matter, then it shouldn't matter to the teacher to call the DD Anna M-S instead of Anna M.

I am not a teacher but if someone said, "Oh hope you don't mind but I prefer to be called . . . " I would do my best to do as they asked. Because being called what we want to be called is important.

MrsSOAK · 08/11/2010 10:34

I am split on this issue.
My married name (and DD's name) is a two word name (not hyphenated) and often people will miss out the first part of our surname and it really does annoy me, but then no-one can (or rarely even try to)pronounce the second part of our surname so I then get called Mrs er..... or Mrs As...er......... which also annoys me (its not that hard to pronounce HONEST!)
So I can kind of understand the frustration however you must have anticipated this when you gave your child a hyphenated name.

If your daughter isn't too bothered then I would leave it and wait to see what happens when you come back from your time away.

HuwEdwards · 08/11/2010 10:37

blimey, can't believe this would figure on anypne's radar. how er...inconsequential!

piscesmoon · 08/11/2010 12:20

No one is calling her anything different-no one misunderstands her name! It is to differentiate-you could put Anna x or Anna y but then you would have to explain which is which. It has nothing whatever to do with names!
It is petty in the extreme-in the register she is listed alphabetically under M.
I have just looked in the telephone directory-I don't know why-just the sheer stupidity of the whole thing!
Just to take one small part it goes
MOORES
MOORE-TABB
MOOREY

Therefore Moore followed by s,t and y.
Therefore it is perfectly normal to list Anna Moore-Tabb as Anna M-there is no special place for M-T.

You are obviously not a teacher BalloonSlayer or you would know how short of time they are.
If you want to fight such petty battles you could do so, but the teacher is alphabetically correct-I would save your battles for things that matter.

Lynli · 08/11/2010 12:52

My DD had this problem with her DD.

She hyphenated her surname with her then partner. His surname and then hers.

As they are now calling her by the first part of the name only they are effectively giving her only the name of her estranged biological father.

It would be better to just use the initial of the last name, which is usually the main family name.

So I can see how in some cases it can be upsetting.

I think if it means that much to you, you should talk to the teacher.

piscesmoon · 08/11/2010 13:41

You have to follow convention Lynli-alphabetically it is the initial of the first name-imagine the chaos at the doctors if some people's hyphenated names were listed under the first and some under the second! No one is calling her less than her full name-they are simply putting a letter after it to differentiate. I expect there would be no end of fuss if they put Anna 1 and Anna 2 (Anna 1 would think she was more important)or even worse big Anna and little Anna!
If the DCs are asked to line up alphabetically she joins the M DCs. If she is Anna Morgan-Smythe she lines up between James Matthews and Lucy Mulleady (hypothetically) that is convention -you don't take all the M's and then go onto separate categories for M hyphens.
(Something to think about if you want to link Young and Burton -much better to be Burton-Young and get to the head of the line rather than the end!)

MinnieMummy · 08/11/2010 13:54

When I was at junior school, there was another boy with the same (very common) surname as me and my brother. To differentiate us, my brother was known as A Jones (i), I was A Jones (ii), and the other boy was B Jones . (Note: we all had different first names!!)

Now that's the way to give a child issues about their name identity...!

BalloonSlayer · 08/11/2010 15:59

"You are obviously not a teacher BalloonSlayer or you would know how short of time they are."

Yes I am obviously not a teacher as I said I am not a teacher.

You can try and try all you like but you will NEVER convince me that the reason a teacher is saying "Anna M" instead of "Anna M-S" is because he or she is so short of time that they are trying to cut down the actual letters they write or the syllables they utter.

The reason a teacher will say "Anna M" instead of "Anna M-S" is because they don't think it matters. And most people would agree. Except it does matter to the OP, so why shouldn't she mention it in a non-confrontational manner?

activate · 08/11/2010 16:34

because it doesn't matter and we are trying to advise her to not act like a twat

piscesmoon · 08/11/2010 16:53

Well it doesn't matter does it?!
I can assure you that when you are teaching seconds saved here and there count. It may seem pathetic, but it is much quicker to scrawl Anna M on the back of a piece of work.
It doesn't detract from the fact that the teacher is correct. OP's medical records will be under M -whether she likes it or not- there isn't a section for M-S -she is treated like any other M surname.
If the DC doesn't like it the DC can ask her to put a hyphen and another letter. I supspect that a 6 yr old isn't remotely bothered and probably didn't notice until mother pointed it out.

UniS · 08/11/2010 19:56

BY yr 3 your daughter should be writing her own name on her work. Problem will have gone away. right now YABU . its not important.

I was one of 4 with same 1st name in a class of 30 , and two of us had same surname. I HATED being called by my full name and would far rather have been uni S , like uni P and uni T

onceamai · 08/11/2010 20:16

Things to go into school over:

Bullying;
Child not happy;
Child suffering chronic illness or injured and requires extra attention for a while;
Suspected dyslexia or other special needs;
Bereavement in close family;
Any other serious issue.

If you want the teacher to take any of the above seriously, please don't go in about this. This comes from someone who's name isn't (identity reasons)but could be along the lines of: Xanthe Beauchamp (Beecham). Any child with a very unusual or difficult name has to learn to deal with it and develop a sense of humour. That's why ours are the equivalent of James and Mary.

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