Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6

Original poster

my best friend has picked her wedding date..

147 replies

Profshopper · 31/10/2010 09:02

the exact month i am due to give birth. weve tried to explain to her that it will be difficult for me to travel up to scotland from London but she has dug her heels in. she wants that month knowing too well there is a strong chance i will not be able to make it! am i being unreasonable for falling out with her over this?

OP posts:

chandra · 31/10/2010 12:39

Obviously this thread has moved a lot ince I dirst left it open in the morning...

Ambi · 31/10/2010 12:40

This exactly happened to me too OP. Call from friend "We've set our wedding date" Me "I've got some news I'm pregnant", both of us very excitied until we realised that the wedding was 2 weeks after my due date. She'd asked me to be a bridesmaid, but I declined not knowing if I'd be able to make it, if I could I'd have a newborn, but I was looking forward to going all the same. She was disappointed but very excited for me at the same time. In the end, I couldn't make it as I went overdue and ended up being induced the day after, but I called her and texted her and made sure she got my gift, when we did meet up I made a fuss about seeing all the pictures and videos.

My point is that there's no need to fall out, I know some women can be precious about their weddings, I'd just say try and make it if you are able even for a short time, if you can't then make a big fuss about her day leading up to it and after, bridezillas need the attention. Plus they'll be people who will accept and then cancel before the day anyway.

SoupDragon · 31/10/2010 13:04

If you think this was bitchy, i don't think Mumsnet is the right website for you.

Mumcentreplus · 31/10/2010 13:08

OP you will grow a thick furry MN hide in time...

WynkenBlynkenandNod · 31/10/2010 13:09

I think your friend is in full on wedding mode and you are in full on baby mode and neither of you are quite as rational as you would usually be about this. I am the first to hold my hand up and say there may possibly be moments I am not necessarily proud of during pregnancy and the first months of having a baby looking back but accept that I may be the only one who was like this. I can imagine getting quite cross in your position when I was pregnant where as I wouldn't now if that makes sense.

If you are feeling OK then what about saying you can't sort the food but will sort the Hen night, but with someone to take over if you don't feel well or it feels too much nearer the time. Personally I wouldn't have been in a fit state to travel long distance the month I was due and both mine were early and by emergency section. But say you'll see how you are feeling nearer the time and will come if possible, knowing there is a fair chance you won't make it.

HauntingTheTardis · 31/10/2010 13:47

When I was heavily pregnant with ds1, I attended my dsis's wedding with no problems, and when pregnant with ds2, I got two wedding invitations from close friends - one for 4 weeks before my due date and one for 4 weeks after. The later one was in Aberdeen, and we lived over 8 hours away by train - but we went to both weddings - the first one I was heavily pregnant and had a 19 month old toddler in tow, and the second one, I had a 5 week old baby and a 21 month old toddler to cope with.

It would not even have occurred to me on any of these occasions to have expected the bride to change her wedding date to suit my pregnancies.

That said, though, neither my sister or either of my friends was expecting me to organise two parties for them and then help with the food for the wedding - I do think that the bride is being very unreasonable to expect the OP to do all of this when pregnant. I would offer to do the engagement party but would then explain that I wouldn't be able to help with the hen night and might well not be able to help with the food for the wedding - and if I did, I certainly wouldn't be able to organise it or do the bulk of it, but might be able to help put together some savouries or cut some sandwiches.

I suspect that your friend doesn't appreciate what late pregnancy is like, OP, or that babies don't work to the timetables that they are given - hence her thinking you will still be able to do the parties and food. But I do think you should consider going to the wedding - unless it is really close to your due date, of course. As others have said, book into a hotel close to the reception venue, and take things easy on the day - but you will still be there for your friend, sharing her day.

Tell your friend that you can't guarantee being able to do anything near your due date, because the baby might come early, or you might just not be up to doing much, but that you will do what you can.

Incidentally, I travelled over 90 miles from my home only 2 weeks before my due date with ds1, helped clean the outside of the train that was there for its naming ceremony, and got home again without any problems whatsoever.

pigletmania · 31/10/2010 13:49

Don't worry op, this friend does not sound much like a good friend if she stops talking to you, because you cant go and be a skivvy for her. Ok hen do aside, you could do that with another friend mabey, but to organise her engagement party and do the food for the wedding wtf. This is not about op not liking the day of the wedding, its about the bridezilla friend expecting her to cater and organsie an engaement party wtf!!!!!.

I know that pregnancy is not an illness, op will be 9 months pregnant on the wedding, so her body will not be the same. She will be big, heavy, tired, mabey swollen, and in no mood to to full on catering and to travel a long way. I certainly would not, the month I am due its madness, unless its an emergency. I would prefer to be near my local hospital, around people that can help if i go into labour.

pigletmania · 31/10/2010 13:52

Where in the op has she said to change the wedding date, just that she wont be able to make it. Some people might feel comfortable travelling on the month of their due date, but others may not, and they should not be made to feel bad because they dont feel comfortable doing it.

3thumbedwitch · 31/10/2010 13:56

I think YANBU. To start with, possibly - but since your friend seems to expect you to drop everything (including possibly the baby) to fit in with her plans, then not so much.

Some best friends do plan their weddings around others - I did. My wedding wouldn't have felt "right" if my BF couldn't have been there, so I made damn certain that it was a date she was available for.

So - you are both being somewhat unreasonable in this instance. Tell her that you cannot promise to be able to do anything because you may not be in a position to help out, especially not with catering!
And in fairness, I wouldn't have wanted to travel that far that close to my due date either.

pigletmania · 31/10/2010 14:04

Well on the month of my due date I felt heavy, tired, sick, prone to dizzy spells and needing the loo every hour; no way would I have travelled up to a wedding in Scotland from Milton Keynes, however good that friend maybe, let a lone do catering and organise parties.

nancydrewrocked · 31/10/2010 14:09

And FWIW my BF got married overseas when my DS was 4 weeks old (her wedding booked before I discovered I was pregnant).

I flew out there with DH, 15 mth old and 3 week old, shoe horned myself into a bridesmaid dress, did what I could - although not quite as much as my BF would have wanted I am sure - and you know what? We both had a great time, I was glad I made the effort, she was glad I made the effort and a lovely time was had by all.

But I suspect that was because we actually are best friends and would do pretty much anything we could for each other.

flamingpants · 31/10/2010 14:18

OP are you cross because actually you did want to do the catering and as such you felt she should have treated you like a supplier and asked when you would have been available to do it?

amothersplaceisinthewrong · 31/10/2010 14:24

I think it would be a shame if you fall out with her over this - you may really want her help and support/shoulder to cry on etc in the months after the birth of your baby....

It is the bride (and groom/s) prerorgative to set the date of their wedding. Why should she consult you over say her mother, brother, father, grandmother.... ie she will never find a date to suit everyone, so the sensible thing is to chose the one she wants without "favouring" any one person.

Just say you can't commit to helping with the food (unless maybe it is online ordering from one of the supermarkets' party ranges.....) and that can she reserve you a place at the wedding and you will do your utmost to be there but cant' realistically make a decision until nearer your due date.

pigletmania · 31/10/2010 14:24

nancy sorry I disagree, if she is a best friend than she would also understand the op being very close to her due date and would be more compassionate and concerned as a best friend should. I have good freinds but not one of them would be like the ops friend, they are lovely people and would totally understand why i could not be there, and not expect me to.

piscesmoon · 31/10/2010 14:41

I think that maryz sums up the whole thread perfectly!

pigletmania · 31/10/2010 14:52

Well I disagree with maryz to some extent, we are not all saying that op is BU, some are in support which I am. I have been in position of the bride where my bridesmaid fell pregnant just after I asked her to be bridesmaid. That meant that she would have been about 8 months when I got married. No I would not have changed the date around her, but I would also not expect her to be able to attend let alone perform,bridesmaid duties and do the catering, thats why i paid for it. She did come as she really wanted to, and was my bridesmaid, which I was so chuffed about. I would never ever had held it against her if she told me that she could not come, and would have totally understand. Back then I was child free, but had some empathy and compassion.

reup · 31/10/2010 14:55

Do people really get their friends to organise engagement parties and hen nights for them? I just did it all myself. So have all my friends except one hen night that was organised by a friend. Also the only one to demand we take presents for the bride on the hen night; as if we weren't spending loads already!

pigletmania · 31/10/2010 14:58

Yes reup, I organised my hen do, our engagement night out and the hotel did the catering, no way would i have expected my heavily pregnant bridesmaid to do it.

HauntingTheTardis · 31/10/2010 15:15

Pigletmania - I do agree with you that the OP's friend should have a bit more compassion and understanding - giving her the silent treatment because she's said she won't be able to do the things her friend is expecting her to do, is very unreasonable.

I also think she should say to her friend that she would love to be at the wedding, but that it will depend on how she feels nearer the time. A good friend would understand this and accept it without throwing a hissy fit, as the OP's friend seems to have done.

plasticspoon · 31/10/2010 15:23

YANBU to feel a bit disappointed but I wouldn't let it ruin your friendship - just be assertive and let your friend know what your limits are. I think it can be hard to imagine if you haven't been heavily pregnant.

My sister is having her engagement party this weekend a couple of hours away and I since she let us know the date I have been completely honest about the fact that I will not be able to attend! I am currently 40+5 weeks pregnant. Initially I was a bit sad at their chosen date as I assumed that they would know it would be impossible for me and my dh to go, but when I said 'of course I may not have had the baby by then,' the look on her face was priceless. She had assumed the due date would be pretty much spot on and that we would be able to take the baby! She's never had a baby, how would she know?

So I'm helping her choose the decorations and putting a bit of money towards it, and I will give her a big kiss and send her on her way to have a fab evening. Then I will look at the photos while she has a cuddle with my baby and we will both be very happy for one another!

pigletmania · 31/10/2010 15:24

Totally Haunting. I know that in my final month I physically could not go anywhere far away, loo every hour, big, heavy and prone to dizzy spells if i had any over exertion. Yes a good friend would totally understand.

MumNWLondon · 31/10/2010 16:06

Having skimmed the thread, YABU to fall out over this, although you may well not be able to go.

Realistically at that stage of pregnancy you may not want to travel, or get really involved.

I went to Liverpool from London for work at 36 weeks (first class) and TBH that was far enough at that stage although for a really close friend and straightforwards pregnancy doable to go. Realistically train is the only way to go - you can't fly, and trains unlike cars have toilets.

I went to sister in law's wedding at 7 months but it was local so no problem. Also helped making her a party etc but DH did loads of it so it was fine.

If she is insisting you go or do catering then she is BU.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6