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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

my best friend has picked her wedding date..

147 replies

Profshopper · 31/10/2010 09:02

the exact month i am due to give birth. weve tried to explain to her that it will be difficult for me to travel up to scotland from London but she has dug her heels in. she wants that month knowing too well there is a strong chance i will not be able to make it! am i being unreasonable for falling out with her over this?

OP posts:
SoupDragon · 31/10/2010 10:30

"soupdragon - does it really matter what month it is?"

It clearly does to her.

How is it that the venue is private and thus the month doesn't matter, yet your friend is being unreasonable because she hasn't even checked venues yet?

You do realise that you could still be heavily pregnant or have a baby if she chooses a month either side of your due date? And if she wants the best chance at good weather then she really is limited to about 3 months.

I've read the thread, Quint, am I allowed to comment?

xwitch · 31/10/2010 10:30

I too think you are upset about the wrong thing. She can have her wedding wherever and whenever she wants. However the bride is being totally unreasonable to expect someone who will be 8.5/9 months pregnant at the time of the wedding to commit to doing the food. It is that lack of understanding on the bride's part that would upset me not the venue or date choice.

My cousin married 2 days after my due date. I wrote them a note saying I would love to come but wasn't really up to it. They were fine with that an no falling out. If they had turned round and said but you have to do the catering I would have been very annoyed.

thesecondcoming · 31/10/2010 10:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

theyoungvisiter · 31/10/2010 10:32

And has she REALLY demanded that you do the food etc?

That's slightly at odds to your OP where you say that she's chosen the date "knowing that there's a strong chance I won't be able to make it."

That doesn't sound like someone expecting you to be there serving canapes.

LoveBeingAMardyBum · 31/10/2010 10:38

There is one way you could get back at her, do everyhitng she wants and then just as she is about to say her vows, go into labour with a big gush of waters.

Sandinmyshoes · 31/10/2010 10:39

She can't pick any month though can she? If she'd picked the month before you would have been moaning about being heavily pregnant, the month after you'd have a new baby so couldn't possibly attend...

I would talk to her and say that you will do your best to attend, but it will depend on the pregnancy and how you're feeling... as your attendance is up in the air for a while explain that it's not a good idea to agree to help with the food when you may not be able to fulfil this promise. Then I'd get out the humble pie re the engagement party and hen do and get organising! If my best mate couldn't attend my wedding I'd be gutted if she didn't attend engagement or hen celebrations.

CrazyPlateLady · 31/10/2010 10:42

YABU.

You actually expect someone to plan their wedding around your due date? Hmm

How self absorbed are you?

Just tell her you won't be going and thats it. Don't fall out with her, unless you are going to hold this against her for years. Then do her a favour and fall out with her.

moomaa · 31/10/2010 10:44

I don't think YABU actually.

This happened to me and I wasn't cross about it, just disappointed I guess. I think my friend just didn't think it through at the start of the preperations and I didn't either really.

She asked me to be bridesmaid and I accepted, but then when I started to get big said she understood if I wanted to drop out a lot of times (which was ok because I was having second thoughts myself so suited both of us).

I didn't go to the hen do because it was a distance to travel then involved sleeping on the floor/rota to do shopping/cooking etc to keep it cheap and I wasn't up for that. I think at that point she must have decided in her head that I wasn't coming because on the day itself we weren't allocated jobs like everyone else (I thought it was consideration of me being pg, but now I think she just thought I wouldn't turn up). We were seated in the furthest corner on a table that was obviously made up of leftover people rather than with other friends, she did a big speech with presents for people that helped her and I wasn't mentioned although I had done a lot more running about and organising than a lot of the people that were mentioned. I felt more offended on the day than I did in the run up. I think she had no clue about babies and even less clue about pregnant people.

I also discovered at the wedding that it was 'child free' despite her neices and nephews being there. I talked to one lady who I thought was a close friend, and she had come alone in the evening rather than come in the day as she was asked to leave her newborn. It would have made no difference having the few little ones of friends. As it was her neice/nephew on one side behavaved horrendously and I don't believe any more joining in could have made it any worse!

I think you have thought this through better than I did so it is leading to conflict now, rather than disappointment later like in our case.

taintedpaint · 31/10/2010 10:45

You're both being unreasonable. You are being unreasonable to expect her to plan her wedding around you and she is being unreasonable to, in the circumstances, expect you to attend and organise.

There's no right answer here.

I would invite her round and make it clear to her you are saying you won't be able to attend (if you really don't think you can) but that you would really like to help her out as much as you can now. Perhaps that could be an offer to go with her to choose her dress or something like that. Or even a trip to the venue while it's being organised and you are not close to your due date.

She does sound a bit Bridezilla-ish and I would say she probably is a little bit more in the wrong than you are, but if you want to keep this friendship, you need to make a gesture which will hopefully make her see that the friendship is more important to her than this silly squabble that's going on. All she will be thinking about is the wedding and although that is entirely unreasonable and blinkered, once your friend becomes Bridezilla, IME, she won't change until she is married.

PavlovtheWitchesCat · 31/10/2010 10:47

of course you are being unreasonable. It is not your wedding day, it is hers. As long as she can accept that you will not likely be there.

You think she should plan her wedding around you? What if she makes it earlier to accommodate you and you give birth early? or are unwell afterwards and cannot travel down anyway if later?

What kind of 'best friend' are you that would fall out with her because she does not see you as the centre of her world? I guess it depends why you are friends with her and what you require of her to fulful your own needs.

Imarriedafrog · 31/10/2010 10:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Minione · 31/10/2010 10:54

Tbh you both sound like bickering 12 year olds. YABU unreasonable to think she should plan her wedding around you and SIBU to expect you to organise the hen night and engagement party. FFS, who has engagement parties? And if you do have one, shouldn't it be when you are first engaged, not when the wedding is booked and planned?

Lulumaam · 31/10/2010 11:00

she is being unreasonable to expect you to organise the hen party and prepare food when there is a big chance you will be heavily pregnant/giving birth/looking after a new born.

i think it is unreasonable of you to say you cannot attend at this point,it depends how close your due and her wedding date is and if realistically, it is more likely you'll have given birth before the wedding.

a shame to fall out about this, you both need to see the otehr side of it.

ShowOfBloodyStumps · 31/10/2010 11:04

Ooooh op is a ninja.

Stealthy stealth.

MaimAndKilloki · 31/10/2010 11:06

YABU to want her to change the date to suit you

She is BU to want you to do food etc.

So the only solution is you say "sorry, can't do that", not complain about the month.

PS. there is a third person in this who you haven't thought of. The future husband, it's not just between you and your friend, his opinion is pretty important on this subject. Probably he also wants that month.

KiwiKat · 31/10/2010 11:09

It sounds to me like you're both disappointed that the other one can't see the enormity and specialness of what's happening to you both, and that (deep down) you both wish the other one would put your thing first. I think that what you both really want is for the other one to this enormous thing that is happening to the other. (Does that make sense?)

We often have pictures in our heads of 'how it should be', very much perpetuated by tv, cinema and books, and when real life doesn't play the game, we feel cheated. You may have hoped that she'd be there for you when the baby was born, and she had planned to have you by her side to make her day complete.

You are wise to avoid planning anything around your due date, as so few babies can be relied on to arrive on time - my baby is being delivered 3 weeks early.

You need to find a way to BOTH enjoy what is happening to the other, without any stress.

Serendippy · 31/10/2010 11:09

YABU to think that you are the most important person involved in her wedding, above family and other friends who may also have been nagging her/whinging about which month the wedding was held in and the fact she is probably trying to avoid costly times/sports matches/festival etc.

YANBU to be cross that she expects you to do food and stuff for the wedding.

YABU to expect that being there for her when her dad had cancer means that she owes you one.

YANBU to be sad about what looks to be the end pf a friendship.

But on the whole, YABU.

Ryoko · 31/10/2010 11:17

Marriage is for chumps anyway, no ones making you go, you have a damn fine excuse not to, I don't see why it would ruin anything.

She's picking the best time that she wants for her "perfect day" (chump).

and you are going to have a baby around then, so what everyone happy.

(Never see me get married my mother drummed it into me from a very early age what a massive mistake it is for those too poor to afford to get devoiced to get hitched in the first place, it's a pointless exercise created by men to control women).

MaimAndKilloki · 31/10/2010 11:19

You are such a ray of sunshine Ryoko

Mumcentreplus · 31/10/2010 11:23

OP its sad but its life if thats when she want to do it ..don't fall out over it.. just make sure she knows you wont be coming.

Serendippy · 31/10/2010 11:26

Ryoko same could be said about women having babies to trap men into years of paying for them... Some people, believe it or not, actually do things because they make them happy !

Original poster
Profshopper · 31/10/2010 11:27

So much for sisterhood!

OP posts:
MaimAndKilloki · 31/10/2010 11:28

"So much for sisterhood!"

[hhmm]

Serendippy · 31/10/2010 11:28

But Prof why are you the most important one? What if she has other 'sisters', friends she has to consider? Just don't go!

Lulumaam · 31/10/2010 11:31

ah, right,we're women so should just agree wiht you, becuae you're a woman?

a fair few people hav siad YANBU, or you areboth being a bit unreasonable..

are you reading the reposnses or only interested in being todl you are right?

my sister got married when i was 5 mths pregnant and looking horrendous

my brother got married 4 weeks after my sister gave birth

weddings and babies are part of life