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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

my best friend has picked her wedding date..

147 replies

Profshopper · 31/10/2010 09:02

the exact month i am due to give birth. weve tried to explain to her that it will be difficult for me to travel up to scotland from London but she has dug her heels in. she wants that month knowing too well there is a strong chance i will not be able to make it! am i being unreasonable for falling out with her over this?

OP posts:
belgo · 31/10/2010 09:57

Why is there no point in you organising the engagement and hen parties? No wonder she's not speaking to you if you told her that.

belgo · 31/10/2010 09:58

'plus i was there for her 100% when her father passed away from cancer.'

that has absolutely nothing to do with this wedding, and if you bring that up to try and make her feel guilty, then you are no friend to her.

SoupDragon · 31/10/2010 09:59

TBH, no, if my friend was as pig headed as you I wouldn't want her at my wedding. It's her wedding, that's the month she wants, end of story. [shrug]

Should she change her plans because of you? If she has the wedding a month early, you'll still be heavily pregnant, maybe with a premature baby and if she has it a month later, you could be even more heavily pregnant or have a newborn.

Having said that, she should have gracefully accepted that you may not make it and left it at that. You both sound as pig headed as each other :o

SoupDragon · 31/10/2010 10:00

"she can pick any month she likes"

LOL! Except the one she has chosen!

SoupDragon · 31/10/2010 10:01

Actually, "thanks - in reply to your comments:-
she has picked the month before she has checked venues, suppliers etc. "

So how can her chosen venue be available whenever she likes if she hadn't checked venues?

LoopyLoupGarou · 31/10/2010 10:04

Yes, I still think you're being unreasonable. Totally unreasonable. This wedding is not about you. And the cancer bit just shows that you aren't capable of having a true friendship that doesn't rely on scoring points.
What on earth do a photographer and make up person have to do with anything?

I can see why you're sad that you can't go to your friend's wedding, but that's just the way life is sometimes.

(And of course Scottish people get married all year, I posted in a hurry, I meant the weather isn't that great for most of the year).

pigletmania · 31/10/2010 10:05

have some of you not read the other posts from the op, it does not sound like it. The 'friend' is demanding that the op be there on the month she is due, that she organises the engagement and hen dos, and that she does the food for it. Now she is not speaking to the op because op has said that this is not possible, how is this being U or pigheaded! This 'friend' does not sound like much of a friend tbh, let alone a best friend. None of my close friends would do this.

SeaShellsOnTheSeaShore · 31/10/2010 10:06

Can you not organise the hen, have fun and not go to the wedding? I had to do this with one of my closest friends and we ensured the hen do was early enough for me and several other pregnant friends could make it. But there again it was never going to be a "rat arsed in blackpool" hen do, so we managed to have fun despite being sober!!

I was gutted to miss the wedding, but that late in my pg I did not want to be miles away from hosp and childcare. My friend understood.

Surely there is a compromise rather than a falling out?

missmoopy · 31/10/2010 10:07

YABU
Its her wedding!
How close is the date to your due date?
If its a normal pregnancy, why does it stop you attending? Its in Scotlad for goodness sake, not the other side of the world!

maryz · 31/10/2010 10:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DinahRod · 31/10/2010 10:07

It sounds like she's has all these plans but hasn't discussed them with her bf, just presented them as a fait accompli. Being a bride does not entitle you for everyone to rush around like loons, going to considerable expense.

I think you could organise her hen night, even if you weren't able to go on it, it is what a bf does. But not the engagement party - that's not OP's job. And what about the groom-to-be in all this, what's he doing or are you meant to organize her one of those too?

pigletmania · 31/10/2010 10:08

Op just lie low for a while, and try and contact her later on. Like others have said you could organise a nice hen party and if you are not able to not be there. Has she not got other good friends that could help too.

LoveBeingAMardyBum · 31/10/2010 10:10

What a horrible thing to say. Is this more about the fact that she will be caught up in the wedding instead of you and your baby? You cant stamp your feet when your friend does something you dont like.

pigletmania · 31/10/2010 10:10

I personally would not like to be travelling when I am due the same month as the wedding! I will be big, tired, achy

pigletmania · 31/10/2010 10:12

My goodness dont be harsh on the op, this friend is being a total bridezilla making unreasonable demands and not speaking to her because the op said that this will be difficult. Yes she can have her wedding any month she likes, but to expect her friend due on the same month to do all those things and travel a long way is awful sorry it is.

Litchick · 31/10/2010 10:13

Goodness, you sound like a pair of squabbling teens.

Friend can choose to have her wedding whenever she pleases.

You probably won't be able to go.

Is this really the cause of anything problematic?

saffy85 · 31/10/2010 10:13

Ahh then YANBU your friend has clearly lost the plot. You're gonna have to be firm. Yes her wedding is important but ovbiously your new baby will be the focus of your attention, if it's born by then. If you're still pregnant then she must be bonkers to think you'll have time/energy/enthusiasm to be at her beck and call.

DinahRod · 31/10/2010 10:14

The BF wants her to organise the engagement party, the hen party, prepare the food (for the wedding?) and go to Scotland in the month her baby is due. That's a lot to ask don't you think?

Original poster
Profshopper · 31/10/2010 10:16

i always thought a wedding was about you sharing an important day with your boyfriend and your close family and friends. from some of the comments some of you have written - sorry but it looks like there are a lot of ex bridezillas. or frienships arnt about giving just doing what suits you.

soupdragon - does it really matter what month it is?

OP posts:
missmoopy · 31/10/2010 10:18

I think you HAVE to tell her you cannot do the food, hen party etc...that is unreasonable of her.....BUT it is not unreasonable to expect you to attend her wedding in Scotland.

QuintessentialShadows · 31/10/2010 10:24

There seem to be a lot of people commenting without having read the thread.

Just an observation.

LoveBeingAMardyBum · 31/10/2010 10:25

i always thought a wedding was about you sharing an important day with your boyfriend and your close family and friends. from some of the comments some of you have written - sorry but it looks like there are a lot of ex bridezillas. or frienships arnt about giving just doing what suits you.

It is, when my BF and her dh came round for the dinner i organised to ask her to be my chief b/m, i knew as soon as I opened the door she was pg and the date we had set was about 7/8 months later so arrounf the time she would gve birth.

Yes I was disapointed that she wouldnt be able to do everything we would have liked, but she and her dh immediatly came up with ways to make sure she could be part of the day. Its about give and take, its what friends do.

btw my dad has cancer, he will be gone soon, I hope none of my friends though back in my face the support they are giving me.

pumpkinmouse · 31/10/2010 10:30

Got married in Edinburgh, most of us tend to want nice weather don't we? And in Edinburgh you'll prefer to avoid the whole Festival (August) as accommodation will be hard to get and expensive for guests who travel, and then there's every weekend that has a big rugby game for similar reasons. So she may have good reason for picking her month.

That said, the way both are dealing with it is a bit silly.

But then wedding planning does bring out the best in all of us, doesn't it?

theyoungvisiter · 31/10/2010 10:30

prof shopper sorry but you cannot accuse everyone who doesn't agree with you of being a bridezilla!

I think everyone has been pretty reasonable actually.

And as for "friendship is not just about doing what suits you" - how about looking at this from your friend's POV? "Friendship is not about making your friend feel guilty to suit YOU"

I'm sure she's sorry that you can't come. But you're probably not the only person with demands about timing etc. When I planned my wedding I spent ages trying to fit it around everyone's holidays, due dates and commitments and eventually realised it wasn't going to be possible and SOMEONE was going to be inconvenienced.

Luckily all MY friends were big enough to realise that this wasn't my fault and wasn't a personal slight.

BikeRunScream · 31/10/2010 10:30

My brother got married 2 weeks before my due date, 400 miles away. I chose not to go - too pg to fly, too long a drive in August when I was exhausted and needed a wee every 30 mins. He didn't get it but his wife understood (she has a son). DNephew set up a webcam. DS was born early, a couple of days later. I was glad I didn't go as DS was poorly and we were in hospital for a week. WOuld have hated that so far from home.

Couple's perogative to choose the date.
Your perogative to choose not to go.