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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

my best friend has picked her wedding date..

147 replies

Profshopper · 31/10/2010 09:02

the exact month i am due to give birth. weve tried to explain to her that it will be difficult for me to travel up to scotland from London but she has dug her heels in. she wants that month knowing too well there is a strong chance i will not be able to make it! am i being unreasonable for falling out with her over this?

OP posts:
LoopyLoupGarou · 31/10/2010 11:35

She's a woman 'sister' too, no?

piscesmoon · 31/10/2010 11:36

I bet if they got everyone to get their diaries out they would never get a date that everyone liked! I would say that as long as it suits the couple and families the rest take pot luck.

TheNextMrsDracula · 31/10/2010 11:38

You are pg, not critically ill. I hate this assumption that you will be unable to venture from your home or do anything at all for a month before/after your due date.

I agree you shouldn't "commit" to doing anything critical (such as food), but you could still plan a hen do, and with all likelyhood attend the wedding.

You are making too much of this.

nancydrewrocked · 31/10/2010 11:39

YABU if you believe she has "insulted" you by picking the month that you are due. Presumably she wants to get married in the late spring/early summer months whilst there is a good chance of a dry day and before everyone starts buggering off on holidays.

It does rather limit choices especially when you start to consider the chances of you being a couple of weeks early or late are quite high, thus knocing out the adjacent months.

Obviously you can't be expected to cater for the wedding or even have a definite role but I can't see why you have refused to organise the engagement and hen do - that smacks of stamping your feet because you haven't got what you want.

Also bear in mind you simply do not know how you are going to feel (I am assuming this is first baby) around the time the baby is born. You may feel shite but equally you may feel great and want to show off the baby if it has arrived so I really wou;dn't rule out going to the wedding.

CrazyPlateLady · 31/10/2010 11:39

Exactly Pisces.

The wedding is something that the bride and groom choose, when it suits them, not when it is convenient around everyone elses lives.

phipps · 31/10/2010 11:39

I don't understand why you can't organise the engagement and hen parties because you might not make the wedding.

Original poster
Profshopper · 31/10/2010 11:40

thanks for all the rude and bitchy comments. i dont expect everyone to agree with me. i understand that people have different expectations from friends.

OP posts:
Lulumaam · 31/10/2010 11:44

plenty of people have been supportive if this is how much listening/hearing you do, i'm not surprised this has become a huge issue

piscesmoon · 31/10/2010 11:50

I don't call them all rude and bitchy-I never know why people ask if they don't like to be told! I expect that ideally your friend would have liked you there, but you are not (and shouldn't be)a priority. She could ask were you unreasonable to get pregnant when you knew she might get married in the near future! It is one of those things-nothing to spoil a friendship for.

nancydrewrocked · 31/10/2010 11:50

I don't think that anyone has been rude or bitchy - except perhaps you when you accused people of being ex bridezillas because they do not agree with your POV.

You are actually being spectacularly unpleasant about your frined, particularly the comment re the deat of her dad: friendship is not apoint scoring exercise and I hope she never gets an idea that you feel the way that you do.

I was quite fair in my last post but actually you are being absured. You are pregnant, not dying. Unless you have a complicated pregnancy there is absolutely no reason why a wedding should be beyond you if you want to go but the issue appears to be that you don't.

MaimAndKilloki · 31/10/2010 11:52

prof

You said AIBU?
We said YABU

Last time I checked, answering a question honestly is neither rude or bitchy.

Original poster
Profshopper · 31/10/2010 11:54

lulamaam - would you roll your eyes at your boss? i dont think so. u r being rude. i now understand why mums net has warned people about not turning this into a fight club.

OP posts:
CrazyPlateLady · 31/10/2010 11:56

Gosh how awful of us to be so rude and bitchy to you when your best friend has already set out to exclude you from her wedding by daring to have it near your due date. Obviously your pregnancy is the only thing that should matter to everyone else next summer (I'm assuming we are talking about the summerish months here).

Is there anyone else in the centre of your world apart from you? Glad you aren't my best friend.

Is that rude and bitchy enough for you?

LoopyLoupGarou · 31/10/2010 11:58

Just be happy for your friend, can't you?

Don't get involved with arrangements, but don't be rude and bitchy to her by refusing to talk to her and making ridiculous comments about being there for her when her dad died.

Is it worth losing a friend over?

SoupDragon · 31/10/2010 11:58

I think you meant to post this in the new "I'm not being unreasonable so don't try to tell me i am" topic.

LoopyLoupGarou · 31/10/2010 11:59

Does that really exist Soupy? Where?

SoupDragon · 31/10/2010 12:01

Sadly, it exists only in my dreams. I may suggest it to
MNHQ though.

Mumcentreplus · 31/10/2010 12:01

Lower ya pitch-forks ladies! Grin

OP people gave opinions that you asked for.. please dont take them to heart...

DuelingFanjo · 31/10/2010 12:03

look, maybe you being there isn't as important to her as you think it is? She's arranged her wedding for a time that she MUST know is going to be difficult for you given that she must know your due date. This means that she feels it's more important to have the wedding when she wants it than it is to have you there.

I think she is being unreasonable if she still expects you to come but that you could be more gracious about the whole hen night thing.

Could you take part in the hen do etc but give your apologies and not go to the wedding but still remain friends?

SoupDragon · 31/10/2010 12:04

Do people really only arrange engagement/hen parties if they are going to be at the wedding? i thought it was something you did for friends, not just to get something out of it.

maryz · 31/10/2010 12:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DurhamDurham · 31/10/2010 12:20

" i understand that people have different expectations from friends"

When you've calmed down abit and read your posts you will be so ashamed of yourself. It's your best freinds wedding and she needs to plan it around you....EVEN THOUGH you were around for her when her father had cancer!! What sort of a friend would bring that up and use it as amunition fro future fall outs?

I think most people would agree that you do have very "different expectations" from your friends.

emptyshell · 31/10/2010 12:21

What an utterly fucked up view of friendship you have. You keep point scores - was there when her dad was ill=1 point, she's planned her wedding in an entire month I have dibsed= minus 2 points.

Tell her you're not doing the hen night stuff, tell her you're not going to be able to be a definite for the wedding... but to expect her, her husband, both sets of parents and her entire family to put their life on hold waiting for you to sprog?!? Ridiculous. What will you do AFTER the baby's born - expect her to stay on hold for another 6-7 months because you'll have a new baby? Will you let her get married when it's 16 and sitting its GCSEs?!

So she picked the month because of the weather (those months get booked up pretty quickly - she's been lucky to get one)... good on her. I say that as someone who got married in March when it pissed down with rain so we couldn't get half the photos taken we wanted to and I spent half the wedding day tracking down where some fucker had moved my brolley to. We didn't get a choice of our wedding month if we wanted some relatives to be there - but if we HAD a choice - I sure as hell wouldn't be picking a month with crap weather to accommodate someone chucking a mummyzilla-esque strop.

She is NOT a bridezilla for daring to book her wedding and get on with HER life. Bridezillas are people who insist on everyone wearing purple to fit in with their colour scheme, who chuck utter tantrums because the flowers asre a slightly deeper shade of blue than they'd anticipated - not just every poor woman trying to book a wedding and please as many of the people as they can do.

Thread'll be pulled because it's one fishing for reassurance and not wanting opinions at all.

Original poster
Profshopper · 31/10/2010 12:32

thanks for all your comments. thanks for your opinions even if they are different to mine. im not thanking the ladies who have been downright rude, bitchy and below the belt.

OP posts:
chandra · 31/10/2010 12:37

I was maid of honour for my best friend when I was pregnant, it involved traveling to the other side of the Atlantic to attend. I couldn't do much of the stuff because I started having contractions on the day. Sitting down for hours in the plane was horrendous, and I was only 4-5m pregnant.

To her credit, he had got a lot of other people to help on the day, I found a huge floral arrangement in my room the day I arrived, she got also a present for the baby and a present for my then H to say thank you. She was great, very understanding and overall, I think, happy that I could make it even considering how little I could do.

Havings said that, she couldn't come to my wedding a few years earlier because she had got into a huge debt to get his mother a new italian kitchen. I understood Grin

If she either of us had acted like your friend that would have been the end of the friendship.