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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

my best friend has picked her wedding date..

147 replies

Profshopper · 31/10/2010 09:02

the exact month i am due to give birth. weve tried to explain to her that it will be difficult for me to travel up to scotland from London but she has dug her heels in. she wants that month knowing too well there is a strong chance i will not be able to make it! am i being unreasonable for falling out with her over this?

OP posts:
bluejeans · 31/10/2010 09:22

Can you really be that close if one of you lives in London and the other in Scotland ? Maybe you've grown apart

Of course you can - one of my closest friends liveds 300 miles away but we are in almost daily contact by text/email, phone regularly and meet up several times a year. Another close friend lives near me but we have grown apart

Hulababy · 31/10/2010 09:25

Don't fall out about it with her.
You have already told her that it might not be possible for you to go as the long travel hen heavily pregnant may not be feasible, nor may it be with a new bor, if baby comes early, o that you may actually be giving birth.

Do NOT make any promises of trying to be there, etc. When invites come out, cakk her again and explain that you can't confirm for definite until the time itself, but that you wish her well and hpoe she has a lovely day. And don't agree to any leading roles such as bridesmaids, helping on the day, etc.

She knows the score. She has chosen the date and is willing to take the risk. So long as she puts no pressre on you or your Dh to attend then I would say no more about it.

I'd say that she is possibly growning apart from you perhaps, if this is not bothering her.

FakePlasticTrees · 31/10/2010 09:27

"Can you really be that close if one of you lives in London and the other in Scotland ? Maybe you've grown apart"

That's assuming the friend actually lives in Scotland now and hasn't just picked a great venue/going back to where she grew up etc.

OP - you are excused being upset as you are pregnant - and everything can feel like the end of the world when your hormones are going a bit mental.

Original poster
Profshopper · 31/10/2010 09:29

thanks - in reply to your comments:-
she has picked the month before she has checked venues, suppliers etc. this is a month she likes the sound of.

  • she lives near me but is having it up north so no, we have not grown apart.
  • she expected me to organise her engagement and hen party as im her best friend and prepare some of the food (its a small wedding)
  • she expects me to be there - that i make the sacrifice. my other 2 friends explained i wont be able to stray hours away from my hospital but she doesnt care.
  • the month she has chosen is purely because she likes the weather during that month no other reason.
OP posts:
Eglu · 31/10/2010 09:31

I think you need to speak to her and tell her in no uncertain terms you will NOT be organising her Hen Party. You will NOT be going to her wedding but you wish her well.

IAPJJLPJ · 31/10/2010 09:33

Do not, under any circumstances agree to help with any arrangements. You will only get very stressed about it and it is highly unlikely that you will be there anyway to fulfil your duty.

rubbersoul · 31/10/2010 09:35

Bloody hell. Agree with Eglu. You're not being unreasonable, she is in expecting you to travel that distance and be heavily involved in preparations that near your due date. You will have to be firm with her and wish her well

dreamingofsun · 31/10/2010 09:37

prof - she obviously doesn't understand anything about having a baby. you need to tell her that you cannot be there as if you are still pregnant you will not be able to stray that far from your hospital and that if you have had the baby you are unlikely to be up to travelling that far (I did manage to go to my friends 30th birthday a month after my DS1 was born which was 3 hours away - so you might be able to make it if the baby is very early - but you will be tierd and won't be able to help her and you will need to be able to bring baby with you).

FakePlasticTrees · 31/10/2010 09:37

Then you need to make it clear you can't go. You can't do the food (you could be in labour anyway) and if you don't want to do the Hen do, tell her you haven't got the energy.

(And I know others will be along to say "oh, before you have DCs you've no idea how hard/tiring it is" - and true to a point, but I'd have assumed someone who was about to give birth wouldn't be up for travelling)

DinahRod · 31/10/2010 09:37

Then say 'you do know I will be having a baby and looking after a newborn then? Are you sure you want to hand over such important parts of the wedding to me when I am very unlikely to be there or able to do these things? It your important day and I INSIST you get someone else, as I would hate to let you down. Best you know now.'

pigletmania · 31/10/2010 09:41

Then you are definitely not BU she is being a big fat bridezilla. If she is a goodfriend than you should feel comfortable enough to tell her in no uncertain terms how it is. She obviously does not have any children so does not have a clue, and is being downright selfish making those demands. I would say "X you know I will be due on this month, there is no chance that i can be at your wedding let alone do the food for it. If this was so important to you, could have chosen a month that would be better". If she does not understand and throws a strop, she is not much of a friend tbh.

Original poster
Profshopper · 31/10/2010 09:44

i told her theres no point me organising an engagement and hen party with the high chance i wont be at the wedding and now she is not speaking to me.

i find it insulting that she has picked this month. i know some of you think you should put yourself first but wouldbt you want your best friend at your wedding?

OP posts:
LoopyLoupGarou · 31/10/2010 09:45

Again, "this is a month she likes the sound of" - you seem to have a poor understanding of months. There are twelve in a year. There really aren't that many for her to choose between. If she wants to get married in Scotland (her prerogative) there are really only a few months when that is possible.

That said, make sure you explain that you won't be organising anything or attending. You don't need to fall out over it, that is just silly.

pigletmania · 31/10/2010 09:46

Profshopper she does not sound like a nice friend at all, at least you are getting a feel of how she is really like. A true friend will not do this, will be totally understanding. Her lose, she sounds like a silly little brat who cannot get her own way.

pigletmania · 31/10/2010 09:47

Profshopper of course I would want my bf at my wedding, but if she is going to be due that month, no, I would want her to totally relax and concentrate on her family and having the baby safely.

maryz · 31/10/2010 09:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Ragwort · 31/10/2010 09:50

If she is 'not speaking' to you over this how can she possibly be a good friend ? She sounds childish and immature. Leave her to it.

pigletmania · 31/10/2010 09:51

BY the way, i organised my hen do, I had a heavily pg bridesmaid who was 8months gone when my dh and I got married. She lived in Edinburgh too, and me in MIlton Keynes. I insited that she stay in Edinburgh and that she should conentrate on herself and her baby, but no she really wanted to be there. I noway would have demanded that she be bridesmaid and to do all those things. I was so worried that she might go into labour whilst in MK away from her family. Good thing she did not.

FoxyRevenger · 31/10/2010 09:51

Loopy why would it only be possible to get married during only a few months in Scotland?

Scottish people manage the whole year round! Grin

pigletmania · 31/10/2010 09:53

maryz she is being very demanding on the op, expects her to be at the wedding, and do the food for it, as well as organising hen and engagement parties, and is not speaking to her because the op has said that this is not possible Of course if i were the op i would be very cross, would'nt you Hmm. What exactly is bridezilla doing for her wedding then Hmm

DinahRod · 31/10/2010 09:54

Bf might organise a hen night but an engagement party too? Thought that was the preserve of the parents or the couple themselves?

Best your bf gets a bridezilla wake up call now. Being a bride is not about getting other people to skivvy for you or go to what sounds like a lot of expense. Her wedding party will be a small one if she's continues at this rate.

newlurker · 31/10/2010 09:55

Please don't fall out with a good friend over this. It is her wedding and she may havelots of reasons for picking that month.
Just explain that you might not be able to go and take it from there.

LoveBeingAMardyBum · 31/10/2010 09:55

Are you upset because she has done this and you would never have done it to her?

You cant make her change the date, you can only say what you will and won't be able to do and that would be the same no matter what month it was.

Are you maybe upset that you are going to be missing out on the full hen and wedding experience?

belgo · 31/10/2010 09:55

Exactly the same thing happened to me; I couldn't go to my best friend's wedding because it was on my due date and we live in different countries.

We did not fall out over it, we had a night out a couple of months before when I gave her her wedding presents.

She is my best friend so of course she understood; and your friend should as well.

Original poster
Profshopper · 31/10/2010 09:56

LoopyLou - i have planned my own wedding so i know a little about choosing a month. like youve said there are a few months to choose from and ive suggested even a month later but shes not interested. plus shes not paying for the venue (she can pick any month she likes its a private venue) and shes not having a photographer or makeup hairdresser.

still think im being unreasonable?
plus i was there for her 100% when her father passed away from cancer.

OP posts:
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