to think that my oh is being an idiot over my friends wedding?

[doublechocchip]

Just after some opinions really, it started when one of my best mates invited me and not oh to her wedding earlier in the year. There was 8 of us who were all from uni going and to make it fair she invited nobodys partners even though some of the girls were engaged and me and oh have children.

Well oh took major offence at this and now will only slag her off all the time, doesnt want her in the house, and it causes a lot of arguments as we just cant see each others point of view! He has only met her a couple of times so it wasnt like they were close either!

Its all just so infuriating because although I wouldnt have done it, it was HER wedding day and therefore can do what she wants and invite who she wants and more importantly who they could afford to. He feels like I chose her over him?? I see her only about twice a year as she lives so far away and it was a lovely break away with all my uni friends.

The thing is he would have hated going anyway as if she had invited all the partners they would have had to have made small talk, he doesnt drink and would have been bored but he doesnt acknowledge any of this he just thinks she doesnt take our relationship seriosly which is rubbish - they just couldnt afford everybody! She invited all the partners to the evening do but as it was far away obv none of them came.

What do you all think? Who is being unreasonable? Should I not have gone to the wedding in principle and 'chose' him over her?

Personally neither I or my DH would attend a wedding if only one of us was invited because we believe it would mean that the person doing the inviting either doesn't like our OH, doesn't respect our relationship enough or isn't that close to the one that's been invited so is willing to take a ganbke that we won't come either. If the wedding couple want to be in both of our lives after they are married then they would have to invite both of us.

It would be very awkward going forward if the friend of the OP wants to ever visit her. I know I wouldn't be comfortable having a so called 'best friend' over if she hadn't invited my DH to her wedding.

That said the partner of the OP is taking his hurt a little too far.

Yes Quintess I think your observation is accurate.

Are you planning to get married at any point double? presumably you'll have a fight on your hands to invite your "friend" at all, but I don't imagine there's any way you'll be able to invite her husband.

Do you think she'd show?

Your "friend" sounds incredibly rude to have invited that many people and excluded their partners. That is really dreadful. If she ever learns any manners she'll be most embarrassed at having such a gauche wedding.

As for "should she have had partners and fewer of her "own" friends?"

er, of course.

That is how guestlists to parties are drawn up by decent people.

If you were having a housewarming party would you specify on invitations that people mustn't bring their partners because your home was small and you wanted space left for people you were actually interested in?

Or would you think "Nora and James, Martin and Paul, Bango, Munster, oh Munster's weird flatmate he brings everywhere" and then try to work out numbers so you didn't hurt anyone's feelings by leaving them out?

I invited a woman to my wedding that hasn't spoken to me since DH and I got together because she is the partner of an old and dear friend of DH. I would never have invited him on his own despite her rudeness to me over 7ish years.

I find the idea that you would resent paying for someone's meal because they are just the partner if your friend to be abhorrent.

Where do these people learn how to behave in the world? It's shameful, it really is.

"I find the idea that you would resent paying for someone's meal because they are just the partner if your friend to be abhorrent."

Err...not everyone has a spare £720 minimum to spend on food

I'll ask again those of you who believe that the bride and groom should invite friends and ohs, would you be happy not to be invited because the couple had decided to invite 5 friends and ohs instead of 10 friends? Remember not everyone has endless amounts of money to spend/venue may have restricted numbers (H&S/fire regs).

ps double you are aware, aren't you, that there is a specific rule of wedding etiquette that a married couple must both be invited?

I think that is why your DP says your friend doesn't take your relationship seriously - because she looked past children (plural!) and treated you like a casual boyfriend/girlfriend arrangement. I'm surprised you're not more hurt by that.

I wonder whether, now she's married, this woman would attend a wedding her husband wasn't invited
to.

Chaotic your question makes no sense to me.

Would I be offended not to be invited to a wedding because numbers were tight? No.

The question of whether the people invited were "proper" friends or just their worthless partners would not occur to me.

You must have a wedding you can afford once you've drawn up an approximate guestlist that doesn't involve causing predictable offence.

If you don't have £x lying about to pay for the meal of the partners if your friends then you are having a wedding that is out of your price range.

It's not about 'they couldn't afford it' or 'there was only space to invite X number of guests'. When you plan a wedding the first thing you do is write a list of all the people you want to invite, work out what the number is, then find a venue that will accomodate that number. There are alot of wedding venues out there to choose from!

Why does anyone need to spend £90 per person on food? Simple answer is, they don't. They choose to spend that much because that's what they charge for the venue they want or the food they want. So in reality that translates to 'I want the expensive food and the pricey venue more than I want my friends to share my special day with the person they love'

When guests are often expected to travel, buy a gift, outfit, possibly pay for accomodation, maybe take time off work, why would anyone think it's ok to ask someone to do all that without their partner?

Guests usually pay more to attend a wedding then the hosts pay to have them there.

If a partner needs to be 'baby sat', as has been suggested earlier, then that says more about them as individuals. The people I didn't know that came to our wedding were made very welcome by those closest to us. My Dh is one of those who can be a bit shy when meeting new people, but I don't feel I have to baby sit him! He's my husband ffs!

spidookly- oh has said if we are to get married in the future he wants to take it one step further and invite her husband and not my friend to the wedding! We shall have to cross that bridge if we come to it!

It is a real mix of opinions, am glad I posted this as its been an eye-opener (i.e. what to do if we are to get married in the future!) and that it looks like no matter what you do, you will always offend someone- can understand why people elope!

There are specific rules of wedding ettiquette that must be obeyed? And there I was thinking the people could actually decide for themselves who they want at their wedding! My bad. Is there a book one can buy, the wedding bible?

Anyway, the point now isn't about the wedding at all, or who is wrong or right. Its about a grown man acting like a baby over something that happened months ago! Get the fuck over it (and yourself) man, and grow up a bit while you're at it. Holding a ridiculous grudge is a very unattractive quality in a partner.

''I'll ask again those of you who believe that the bride and groom should invite friends and ohs, would you be happy not to be invited because the couple had decided to invite 5 friends and ohs instead of 10 friends? Remember not everyone has endless amounts of money to spend/venue may have restricted numbers (H&S/fire regs).''

Yes, I would. I would in that case assume that it was only the very closest friends that were being invited, and if they were close enough to be invited to a wedding with only 10 guests, then they are certainly close enough to have their partners there.

You don't have to spend endless amounts of money. Couples choose venues with limited numbers or expensive menus. You're making it sound like these people are forced to have their weddings in small venues. You could do an iceland buffet in a village hall if you actually cared more about your guests being there and feeling comfortable. If they cared about the wedding and the subsequent marriage, they be happy wherever the wedding was and whatever they were fed.

"oh has said if we are to get married in the future he wants to take it one step further and invite her husband and not my friend to the wedding!"

A really truly grown-up person actually said that?!

Wow.

Is he quite the ticket?

I think inviting all of one's friends, and their partners, and then budgeting accordingly, is a nice thing to do.

Inviting only one's friends but not partners, because one wants a more expensive wedding but also wants all their friends there, is a bit of a strange thing to do (IMO), but I'd probably just shrug, feel a bit left out, and try to get on with my life. It doesn't seem worth being bothered by.

Really, what are weddings about?

I could just sit down and weep.

No, you won't offend anyone if you take curly's approach and remember that if you are if
hosting a wedding you have the comfort and enjoyment of guests as your main priority.

There are tons of wedding "bibles", but people who have been well brought up don't need a book of rules to know that rudeness and selfishness will cause offence (and make you look bad, if appearances are your thing).

Saying "please" and "thank you" isn't a "rule that must be obeyed. It's just a way to be considerate and oil the wheels of human intercourse.

There is nothing stopping you organising your wedding in such a way that it casts aspersions on a supposedly good friend's relationship. Or at least not if you are a selfish gee bag anyway.

I don't really get the "grudge" thing. Given their level of acquaintance it seems reasonable for op's dp to have decided he can't be arsed with this girl.

She has made her feelings about his lack of significance plain. Why should he "get over" that? Surely the adult thing is to accept it and have nothing more to do with her?

Do those of you who are so insulted on doublechoc's DP's behalf actually go anywhere without your own DP?

I really can't get my head around the need to be invited out as a couple by others just to have one's own relationship validated.

Spidookly You may not have understood the question but you did manage to answer it, as did Curlymama :)

The next bit is in reference to part of Curlymama's post at 19.30.

"As they had a package deal it was an extra £90 per person so for 8 extra oh's that you've never met that is a lot of extra money!"

The £90 came from this part of one of the posts made by the op, presumably the cost of each meal included in that package wasn't £90, just the extra meals.

As the friend had a package deal it may just have been the cheapest she could find for the date she was getting married on.

For the record I still think the op's dh needs to stop holding a grudge, it's not an hanging offence.

Makes note to seriously consider getting married in a registry office with two witnesses

Oh great, here come thd MN reductio ad absurdum dimwits.

No, thinking it is impolite to invite one half of an established couple to a wedding does not mean I am afraid to go outdoors alone.

That last bit was not meant to be in bold

spidookly - you have made my evening, I haven't laughed so much at posts in a long time. I am not sure I have ever been as outraged in my life as you are by a perceived snub to a stranger.
Your posts are brilliant though, until I saw the words gee bag in one I was starting to think you were from a Jane Austen novel.
Keep it up.

By the way OP I don't think you are BU. I can see why DP is a little put out, but it was their wedding and their call. i can understand where they were coming from. I am uncomfortable in big groups particularly with people I don't know so I had a tiny wedding abroad. We did invite partners as it goes but just because the family/friends we invited were so close that we knew the partners well too.

:o @ bold aside. Well done on getting the bold to work on a full sentence though, I still do one word at a time.

Registry office with 2 witnesses probably pisses off more people than any other choice (unfairly IMO, but there you go)

a good friend got married secretly recently and only had her best friend and her dh's best friend

(nb and their partners! There were 6 people at the wedding 1/2 of guests were "just partners")

another close mutual friend was hurt and offended to have been left out.

It probably does but at least that way I'd piss everyone off and no one can complain that they'd been discriminated against

one thing with weddings is you are sure to annoy or hurt someone - just goes with the territory, you will never, never please everyone!

spidoookly - you can bold entire sentences quite easily now - just stick the * at either end of it. :)

Sometimes it just isn't possible to change venue. I got married in a registry office, not a church - at 7 weeks notice. There was a limit of 50 people at the reg. office, therefore that was our number for the wedding breakfast. Inviting partners meant that I had to reduce the number of people who could come to the whole wedding but it had to be done, in my book. (But then I committed the "MN sin" of having an evening reception as well for people I couldn't fit in to the reg. office.) I rang around most of the local venues that were in our price range and only one was available on the date I needed (yes, needed as it was the only day my best friend could manage) so I had no choice - other than to not get married at all.

Who are you calling a badly-brought-up gee bag?

My wedding was so long ago that I can't remember if I offended somebody. Probably did, but I don't really give a flying fuck.

I love spidookly- couldn't have put it better myself.