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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think that my oh is being an idiot over my friends wedding?

158 replies

doublechocchip · 30/10/2010 22:00

Just after some opinions really, it started when one of my best mates invited me and not oh to her wedding earlier in the year. There was 8 of us who were all from uni going and to make it fair she invited nobodys partners even though some of the girls were engaged and me and oh have children.

Well oh took major offence at this and now will only slag her off all the time, doesnt want her in the house, and it causes a lot of arguments as we just cant see each others point of view! He has only met her a couple of times so it wasnt like they were close either!

Its all just so infuriating because although I wouldnt have done it, it was HER wedding day and therefore can do what she wants and invite who she wants and more importantly who they could afford to. He feels like I chose her over him?? I see her only about twice a year as she lives so far away and it was a lovely break away with all my uni friends.

The thing is he would have hated going anyway as if she had invited all the partners they would have had to have made small talk, he doesnt drink and would have been bored but he doesnt acknowledge any of this he just thinks she doesnt take our relationship seriosly which is rubbish - they just couldnt afford everybody! She invited all the partners to the evening do but as it was far away obv none of them came.

What do you all think? Who is being unreasonable? Should I not have gone to the wedding in principle and 'chose' him over her?

OP posts:
BarbieLovesKen · 30/10/2010 23:52

Im really, really suprised that others dont think this is completely disrespectful to the dp. If someone did this to my dh, I wouldnt go.

BarbieLovesKen · 30/10/2010 23:53

(but again, its not the OP's fault or OP being unreasonable, its the inconsiderate, disrespectful "friend". I'd be mortified if I had upset people so much over my wedding day or caused so much arguements in a friends relationship)

cat64 · 30/10/2010 23:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

DunderMifflin · 31/10/2010 00:00

i love going to weddings when i know the bride and/or groom but am now keen when they are friends of my dh's - i also appreciate how difficult it is for the couple (knowing the expense and issues with space, etc).

why's he taking it personally and for so long? Hmm

DunderMifflin · 31/10/2010 00:01

typo - 'not' not 'now'!

sayithowitis · 31/10/2010 00:29

I can see why he would be upset. And as for inviting the Ohs to the evening which 'obv they didn't go to as it was so far away, that sounds very calculating on the part of your 'friend'. It sounds to me that she thought if she invited them to an event she knew they would not be able to attend, well, IMO that is not an invite at all.

I really don't understand why so many people choose to celebrate their marriage, ie: the 'legal' beginning of their life together with their spouse, by actively excluding the ohs of some of their guests. It is not as though you have only just got together FGS, you have children together so are an established couple, regardless of whether you are married or not. No wonder he feels peeved with her. She sounds very rude.

iamamug · 31/10/2010 00:42

Oh FGS it's not rude to not invite people to your wedding that you don't know!! A friend of my DSis got married recently - I have known her since she was a child. Her and her DH to be were very short of money - they wanted a big church do and the party etc and wanted as many people as they could afford to the day do - she wanted to invite me and DH and I said - please give his place to someone else - he hasn't known her since she was a child and would have hardly known anyone! Why do people get so silly about these things? Its appallingly xpensive for 1 day guest and I would massively begrudge someone that place that I didn't know well when I know a group of old girlfriends could come instead.

iamamug · 31/10/2010 00:43

FWIW my DH and I have been married for 17 years and said friend came to our wedding - BUT .. we had a very cheap and cheerful do at home with a marquee and did all the food ourselves - we could invite who we liked - it cost no more.

taintedpaint · 31/10/2010 00:45

Barbie, they were't inconsiderate or disrespectful by the sounds of things, they wanted to spend their day with people they know and love and probably not want to pay out for people they don't know and whom apparently don't like them. Nothing unreasonable about that at all.

taintedpaint · 31/10/2010 00:46

were't weren't

TidyBush · 31/10/2010 00:47

Do couples really need to go everywhere together?

The last wedding I went to DH wasn't invited as numbers were restricted and the bride had only met my DH a couple of times.

We've been married over 20 years and have 2 DCs so definately an established couple. It was no biggie - DH was happy for me to go and have a nice time.

Tigerbomb · 31/10/2010 00:55

TBH, I did the same. We invited only our friends to the wedding and not their OH, unless we knew them both.

I would rather have had 10 of my friends there rather than 5 friends and 5 strangers.

Your friend has a relationship with you, not you and your OH.

Mind you I didn't have children at y wedding either, guess that makes me a MN pariah

fedupofnamechanging · 31/10/2010 00:56

I can see why your DP is put out, but I can also see things from your friends point of view. People will have differing opinions as to how these things should work.(Weddings really are more trouble than they're worth - wish I'd eloped).

He is out of order calling her names and being rude about her, as she is your friend and this behaviour is hurtful to you. I'd tell him that this has to stop. He doesn't have to like her, but he does have to be polite. You have every right to see your friend and if he can't be polite for your sake, then you have bigger problems than him not being invited to a wedding. Really think he needs to get a grip by now.

Mumi · 31/10/2010 00:59

My DP has been invited to weddings where the hosts haven't known him very well and damned the cost, as they were seen as an opportunity to get to know him, so I think YABU in that respect.

On the other hand, he is BU to still be banging on about it!

SuzieHomemaker · 31/10/2010 01:03

Always difficult when friends go through life's changes at different times.

IMO it was a little thoughtless of the friend to not invite the OP's partner. We made this mistake ourselves by not inviting children to our own wedding. Later, our children werent invited to other people's weddings. It isnt deliberate, just thoghtless.

I think that OP should be a little more understanding of her partner's feelings. And yes, ultimately she should be choosing her partner over her friends.

Of course, OP's other half should stop behaving like a child.

Apologies all round I think.

Heracles · 31/10/2010 01:54

He needs to grow the fuck up, frankly.

Tortington · 31/10/2010 01:35

i was invited to a wedding, and dh wasn't.

i thought it was rude. you can't just invite one person.

anyway i declined.

but dh, didn't give a shit either way. tell him to shut the fuck up moaning.

ilovesooty · 31/10/2010 02:45

YANBU. I think your friend had to draw the line somewhere with invitations: weddings are expensive. Also she couldn't invite him without inviting all your friend's partners too. He's behaving like a brat.

Mumcentreplus · 31/10/2010 11:11

I think its acually quite rude tbhHmm...I wouldn't go... but thats me...

he needs to now get over this and keep his thoughts to himself..

Serendippy · 31/10/2010 11:16

YANBU. There are a lot of people who think that they have a right to get invited to a wedding, even of someone they have never met, simply because their current partner knows the bride/groom. They also think that it is acceptable for them to be there instead of other close friends who could not be invited because of numbers of partners.

I sincerely hope that my husband and myself never become a unit to the extent that I am not seen as an individual, ie 'a friend' instead of 'a married friend who must do everything with her DH'.

LaurieScaryCake · 31/10/2010 11:18

If she couldn't afford 8 extra people then she couldn't afford it - quite simple.

If guests felt offended then they could choose not to go without their partner - again, quite simple.

the problem always seems to be that we attribute 'rudeness' to others behaviour just because we wouldn't do it ourselves or because of 'etiquette'.

really, we get quite uptight when people go against 'the done thing' (ie. not what we would do)

Mooos · 31/10/2010 11:26

Your husband is being an unreasonable arsehole. Tell him to grow up.

piscesmoon · 31/10/2010 11:42

You are adults! It isn't choosing-ignore him.

cat64 · 31/10/2010 17:49

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gapbear · 31/10/2010 19:44

Presumably if it was a long way away the OP stayed in a hotel? Why couldn't her dh have travelled with her, stayed with her, went to the pub, cinema, whatever during the (frankly boring if you hardly know them) Church bit, then join for the evening do?

If the wedding couple couldn't afford to pay for extra meals for the ohs, but extended an invite to the evening do, they clearly are trying to do the best they can. Not everybody can afford to spend 20 grand on a single day...