*"You and your friend are not responsible for his feelings unless you have deliberately tried to make him feel that way IMO!"
What a complete load of bollocks.
So you can be rude to someone, but because you didn't do it specifically to piss them off they have to be OK with that?
If I call someone a cunt because they are in my way, but if I only do it so they will get out of my way, and not specifically to offend them, then is it their fault if they are offended by my rudeness?
Because that's pretty much what you're arguing.
Inviting one half of a committed couple to a wedding is rude. To treat someone rudely and then blame them for the offence you have caused is ill-mannered indeed.*
Okay, what I perceive myself to be arguing for here is a bit of perspective.
The OPs DH was invited to the evening part of the wedding, so not completely excluded.
The decision was made due to the distance involved that he would not join in. He did have that opportunity. A choice was made.
There is an implication here that all the DHs and partners here have been snubbed, and also that the bride thinks very little of her friends for putting them all in this position. Is this really likely, or was her decision making down to practical considerations? Should a wedding be all about the guests or the bride and groom having the day they want? There are many many factors at play and my DH (to whom I am mostly, rightly or wrongly, joined at the hip)has said that nothing is ever simple or cut and dried..... ie you can never please all of the people all of the time.
In the OPs position I would want her DH to see that the important thing here is THEIR current and ongoing relationship. If this event means that he is unhappy with deeper issues in their relationship, he's got to talk to her about that. Blaming the friend won't improve things, and undermining the friendship is really unproductive.
As to the issue of the apparent rudeness at play in the situation - it does entirely depend on the individuals perspective. I don't quite get the name-calling analogy, as in any situation that would be deliberate rudeness and designed to cause offence no matter what the desired outcome or motivation - this is a much more complex issue where as far as I can read it, none was intended. Therefore a feeling has been invoked, and feelings are about how we process situations from an emotional standpoint, and feelings are sometimes irrational and nothing to do with the event that may provoke them.
Should all the ladies invited to this wedding in a similar situation have declined the invitation out of "respect" for their husband's feelings, and would the husbands do the same in a similar situation? We don't know, but we do know that that Doublechocchip's OH is using this event to make her feel repeatedly uncomfortable and get in the way of a longstanding relationship. I find that sad and wish they could resolve it because stress in relationships is insidious and can suddenly cause massive problems because many little things build up.
This has happened, it cannot be changed, all that can be changed is one's perspective and how one deals with future events to avoid similar. If the OPs relationship is basically sound and this is a blip then why won't he let it lie when he loves her and therefore would want her to be happy? The fact that she is worrying about it means she loves him and wants a dialogue and to make things right, and it would be nice to think he'd be open to doing the same.
My position would be to acknowledge my DHs feelings, say that I was sorry he felt that way, and look at ways to avoid a repeat performance without completely denying my own wishes.Compromise is the word I think I'm looking for.....