to think that my oh is being an idiot over my friends wedding?

[doublechocchip]

Just after some opinions really, it started when one of my best mates invited me and not oh to her wedding earlier in the year. There was 8 of us who were all from uni going and to make it fair she invited nobodys partners even though some of the girls were engaged and me and oh have children.

Well oh took major offence at this and now will only slag her off all the time, doesnt want her in the house, and it causes a lot of arguments as we just cant see each others point of view! He has only met her a couple of times so it wasnt like they were close either!

Its all just so infuriating because although I wouldnt have done it, it was HER wedding day and therefore can do what she wants and invite who she wants and more importantly who they could afford to. He feels like I chose her over him?? I see her only about twice a year as she lives so far away and it was a lovely break away with all my uni friends.

The thing is he would have hated going anyway as if she had invited all the partners they would have had to have made small talk, he doesnt drink and would have been bored but he doesnt acknowledge any of this he just thinks she doesnt take our relationship seriosly which is rubbish - they just couldnt afford everybody! She invited all the partners to the evening do but as it was far away obv none of them came.

What do you all think? Who is being unreasonable? Should I not have gone to the wedding in principle and 'chose' him over her?

those damned chickens.

"best mates ... 8 of us who were all from uni ... The thing is he would have hated going anyway as if she had invited all the partners they would have had to have made small talk, he doesnt drink and would have been bored"

Either she is your bezzie mate and you would like her/her DH and you/your DH to do couple-y things, in which case she should have invited him. Ditto all the rest of your mates: it would have been a chance for all the OH to bond.
Or her friendship with your DH is no big deal.

It sounds like she chose the latter, so I can see why DH is pissed off. It's a snub.

God, imagine being a person in your own right and not just part of a couple

Isn't the problem not that she should or shouldn't have invited or op should or shouldn't have gone but that op and partner don't agree about this?

I mean that if dh was invited to a wedding and I wasn't I know he wouldn't go - likewise if it was the other way round. Clearly loads of people on here would go and do would their dhs - also fine.

So I think op and her dh have different views of their partnership. I think you should talk to him and find out why he's feeling so hurt by something whch you feel is quite trivial. :)

That's not what I said, seren.
OP is in a long-term relationship. The bf has just got married. Why wouldn't both parties want two of the most important people in your life (friend and OH) to get on and become friends themselves?
The bf effectively said "I'm not interested in a friendship with your DP"

Are we confusing a wedding and a marriage again.
OP thinks it was a wedding: a one-day party.
Her OH thinks it was a marriage: the start of a life-long relationship. And he was excluded from it.

The bf effectively said 'I can't afford to have 8 extras at my wedding, if I do I will have to invite less actual friends, I can catch up with these people another time'. Do you realise you have to pay for each guest at a wedding? I guess I am just lucky that all my friends see themselves as individuals as well as part of a unit and can choose to be independent. I would hate to think that because my DH had to be invited to a wedding that the bride/groom could not invite someone else important to them.

The problem, Seren, with your approach, is that you assume the people who you consider too unimportant to invite to your wedding will be interested in catching up with you another time.

In this case (and in many others, I imagine) that ship has sailed. double's dp does not want to have a relationship with this woman now, given the way he has been snubbed, and I don't blame him.

So by excluding the partners she has likely done long-lasting damage to at least one friendship she supposedly cared about.

So you only have friends if you have gone to their weddings? You think that if you are not important enough to be at their wedding, they are not really your friends? What about people who have family only? They clearly hate you.

Everyone knows that there is a hierarchy to these things. Some people are invited to the whole day, some people only to the evening do. The bride treated the OP and her DP differently so she has put them on a different status.
The expense thing is a red herring. You cut your cloth accordingly: for more people you choose a cheaper menu option. Surely people are more important than fancy food?

Having family only is entirely different from inviting me but deciding that my husband is an "extra" you can't be arsed with.

Why would you assume that someone you snub won't feel snubbed?

Because not inviting someone because you'd rather spend the money on someone you like more is a snub however you try to dress it up.

OK so your venue holds 40, the most you can afford. You do not have the choice of having more people and cheaper food. You should invite family then have space for either 10 really good friends or 5 really good friends and their partners. Sad that you have to leave people who have been friends for years out of your day because you have a few DPs who cannot be left on their own without going into a sulk. My DH would never ask me not to go to a wedding without him, he understands the constraints of money, numbers etc in these situations and we would always want the bride and groom to do what made them happy. Then again, we are truly selfless people

spidookly family only just means that they don't think you worthy of being there, they do not regard you highly enough. You should never speak to them again.

Hi thanks for all replies it is good seeing a mix of opinions as obv when Ive asked some friends about this they take my side and oh says his friends take his side so its good to see impartial ones!

I cant remember who said it but the poster who said that they thought my friend wanted all her uni gang there and none of our oh's as she wasnt interested in them hit it on the head for oh. I think he feels really snubbed.

If it wasnt one of my best friends i wouldnt have gone, I had an invite in september and again only me but declined as we werent as close and I couldnt justify the cost/expense to have a trip on my own to go to someones wedding I wasnt that close to.

My friends wedding I went to was one of my absolute best friends and oh just says he was offended as he knew I would go anyway. Which is not the case, if she had not invited him but all the other partners i wouldnt have gone or if she had been horrible to him i wouldnt have gone but it was just a cost issue. As they had a package deal it was an extra £90 per person so for 8 extra oh's that you've never met that is a lot of extra money!

doublechocchip, you didn't do anything wrong. Next time your husband is invited on a night out/trip away with the boys, you insist on going with him! (Actually, am assuming he would never do something like a night out without you). Hope you manage to patch things up, but please don't lose contact with your friend over it, she did the best she could in the situation.

this happened to us, OH was invited to his friend's wedding and I was invited to the evening do, I felt snubbed especially as I knew the guy well and had worked with him for 7 years....apparently his fiance didn't want to invite anyone's spouses she didn't know and I fell into that category!

OH went said it wasn't great...I was miffed at the time but to be honest haven't given it a second thought since, I am not sure I would chose to socialise with OH's friend and wife in the future but I am not still bent out of shape about it. But I can see why your OH would have felt a bit miffed. I don't think you should fall out with your friend though over this, your OH will get over it.

first thoughts were he IBU but know i would be miffed if Dh was invited to a wedding and I wasn't, especially if it was far away and meant travel/hotel costs. It's all very well saying that the wedding costs the bride a lot but it also costs guests a lot too . Did you spend half on the present than normal as it was only from one of you?

But, he has to let it go as you were put in a spot not of your own making. Have you said you see his point or have you brushed his feelings off as silly?

I don't get this. She is "one of my absolute best friends". You and OH have been together long enough to have children (note: plural). Yet he is classified as a "OH that you've never met"

Some of my best and oldst friends are people I met before DH, who live very far away now but who I am in regular contact with. People have different ways of keeping relationships alive. Maybe the DH never made much of an effort?

It's possible, if you live far away from one another, not to have met your friends DH/P, or only to have met them a few times.

This isn't only about the OP's DH though. There were seven others that we know about, there could have been some on the grooms side that were invited without partners.

The OP says it would have cost £90pp for extra guests so that would have been a minimum of £720 for all the DH/Ps, plus any others that weren't invited on the grooms side. It could have added up to over an extra thousand pounds if they'd all been invited.

OP YANBU Your DH needs to grow up and let this go now. Being miffed because he wasn't invited is one thing but to carry it on for months afterwards is childish.

Weddings must be the only event where people are expected to invite people they don't/hardly know instead of friends

senua- sorry I generalised they have met before probably about 5 times over the years as she moved away after uni to be with the man she is now married to. Usually oh is out at work when she visits here in the (her mum lives about half an hour away) or I have gone up to see her on my own, I know that she hasnt met over half the other friends oh's so I think she felt she couldnt invite mine and not everybodys else i think she was trying to be fair.

He is saying that when she has her dd christened he is not going and he doesnt want the children to go either.

Oh doublechocchip, he sounds like he is not going to let this go. Does he always hold a grudge? Have you pointed out that he might not be invited to the Christening, just to wind him up?

on track record your Dh and kids probably won't be invited anyway or does she expect you all to make the effort and cost as she won't be shelling out so much this time.

I'm with your OH. I'd be offended not to be invited to a wedding that my husband was invited to and vice versa. We would simply decline the invitation.

Imo, only inviting one half of a couple is purely selfish. It's about the couple wanting to have their big day with all the glitz that goes with it, without thing about how their guests feel. They would rather spend the money on having more expensive food, cake, venue etc than have their friends or family get to enjpy a wedding with the people they love. I honestly don't understand how you could invite one half of a couple to a celebration of coupledom! It's rude, and inconsiderate, and totally not what the day should be about.

When we got married we had people there that we didn't know well because they were the other half of a guest that we wanted to invite, but we wanted our guests to be able to enjoy our celebration of love with the person they love. You write a list of all the people that you should invite, and then work out how you can accomodate that number of guests into your budget. You don't decide that you want this, this and that for your wedding and then cut guests out to accomodate your need for fancy stuff.

It would be different if the OP had been invited alone and was not going to know anyone at the wedding, but as she says, it was a great opportunity for her to catch up with her other uni friends. She did spend the day with people she loved, she just loves other people as well as her DP.