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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to say i want nothing to do with my Brother's child?

114 replies

Witchcat · 30/10/2010 19:20

I have no talked to m,y Brother in over 6 years. I dont know his telephone number, i do not get birthday cards, or any cards or anything from him. He will not talk to my DH if we happen to be at my Mum's house at the same time and he will then leave very fast or if we are there just no come in.

The was no big fight we just dont like each other. I disagree with all of his belifes and think he is wrong about alot of things. When i was younger he used to beat me up a lot and he was 18 years old at the time and 6 years oldre than me.

When i had my DS i sent him a pic and invited him to the christening but i had no respones. Then when he got married 2 years ago his wife sent my son a xmas gift and i give it away to a friend as my son does not know that i have a Brother.

Now that his wife is having there first child she wants to give my son a xmas gift and i have told my mum to tell them not to bother as my son does not know them and i will not be having anything to do with my Brothers child and that i would perfer to just not go there.

My Mum passed the message along and my SIL disagrees and will be stending a gift as she will be giving gift to my other sisters kids as well.

My problem is if i accept the gift i will have to get her child a gift and explain to my son that my brother does not like me or his Dad and i dont want to do that.

Am i being UR to ask her not to send gifts and to tell her that as my brother blancked my son that i will have nothering to do with his and that includes sending xmas gifts or should i send gifts even if it grates on my as its for children?

Or how do i get thru to SIL that i feel like its just not worth the hassle in knowing them?

OP posts:

racmac · 30/10/2010 19:22

sounds like sil is trying to mend bridges?

Is it really a no go? Has there been a misunderstanding? Why does he not like your dh so much.

LittleRedPumpkin · 30/10/2010 19:23

I take it you don't know your SIL at all? You might like her and your nephew/niece, so it seems a pity to write them off when she clearly wants to make an effort. I don't have much family and never got to know my cousins very well, and I've always felt a bit sad about it. Seems a pity to me not to give your child and hers the chance to like each other better than you and your brother do.

I don't think you're rabidly unreasonable or anything, though.

memoo · 30/10/2010 19:23

You're blaming your SIl and the baby for a problem you have with your brother?

BelleDeChocChipCookieMonster · 30/10/2010 19:24

I think that you are being very unreasonable. Sorry. This is a child! Surely you, being the grown up, can get over your differences with your brother and let this child into your life as part of your family. What have his children ever done to you?

80sMum · 30/10/2010 19:25

Maybe your brother's grown up a bit now that he's married and has a child. I've always thought life's too short for grudges. If he's holding out an olive branch (or if his wife is) why not take it and see how things go?

usualsuspect · 30/10/2010 19:25

I think its a shame your ds will never know his cousin and he will find out you have a brother eventually surely

Sounds like your sil is trying to build bridges

iheartdusty · 30/10/2010 19:25

Sorry to hear that your brother has been so unkind over the years.

But in your shoes I would give his wife a chance. Sounds like she wants to try to build a better relationship. And she has persisted, hasn't she? She sent your DS a gift 2 years ago, she got nothing back from you (not even friendship) but she is willing to try again.

Perhaps yur brother has grown up a bit, now that he has his own child; perhaps he is ready to think about other people, including you and your DS, and not just himself.

Hohumchops · 30/10/2010 19:26

Perhaps your brother has not explained the situation - or maybe she feels she wants to make up her own mind now she is officially part of the family?

It is tricky. Perhaps accept the gift gracioiusly, as is from her, not your brother and not buy one in return, that way she does what she wants and you do what you want. Or, could see that the kids have nothing to do with the fight between adults and is Christmas and they have cousins so could be from the children to the other children, IYSWIM.

Original poster

Witchcat · 30/10/2010 19:27

My husband is disabiled and we have a child!

My brother thinks that i should no go out with him in the first place and i should not have married him or had a child by him.

For the record my husband is a lovly, kind, caring man and a great dad.

My mum told me that my Brother has said if his child is disabled he is puting it up for adoption!

Also his wife is racest and my Brother goes hunting and shots rabbits for fun.

I just disagree with everything he does.

We have never got on even as children. We just dont like each other.

OP posts:

KurriKurri · 30/10/2010 19:27

Do you have a quarrel with SIL or the little boy? Maybe she is fed up of the bad feeling and wants to offer an olive branch. Would you be very opposed to your DS knowing his cousin?

I think those are things you should consider. But ultimately you have to go with what you want to do, however I would say that rather than get your mum to pass messages, you should tell your SIL your reasons.

RockBat · 30/10/2010 19:27

I don't think you're being particularly unreasonable. But is it at all possible for you to have a relationship with your SIL and nephew without involving your brother. I mean, how many of your friends' husbands do you see? Or would you prefer to keep a clean break?

phipps · 30/10/2010 19:27

YABU.

Your SIL is trying to be friendly and you are just throwing it back in her face.

This is your niece or nephew coming and you are also depriving your son of family members for no good reason from what I can see.

BelleDeChocChipCookieMonster · 30/10/2010 19:29

Just because he's an arse it doesn't mean that his child will be. You shouldn't punish a child by pretending that they don't exist just because you don't have the same opinions as it's parents, especially when it's family.

Original poster

Witchcat · 30/10/2010 19:34

We live is diffrent towns so i only see my family twice a year and i dont see my Brother or SIL at all.

Why should them having a child change anything?

Also i am scared that if i upset her or the child then my brother might get angry and try to hurt me or my son. I just dont like him.

I have to send messages throu my mum as i dont talk to them, i dont know there address or phone numbers.

OP posts:

HecateQueenOfWitches · 30/10/2010 19:36

See, I disagree with almost everyone

I see no reason why you should be forced into a relationship with someone you don't like simply because, through an accident of birth, you share the same parents.

Bugger that for a game of soldiers!

You don't like him, he doesn't like you.

His wife seems to be trying to force a relationship between you for, no doubt, the best of reasons.

However, the road to hell and all that...

In your shoes, I would simply lay it out. detail the history for her and say that as far as you are concerned, too much has happened between you and your brother for there to be any point trying to have a relationship, although you thank her for her kindness you feel that some relationships, like between you and your brother, are just not meant to be. You feel he made his choice many years ago and you are happy with that.

You don't owe someone a place in your life because they happen to have been born into the same family as you - that's fucking nuts!

And if you hate someone, hate their beliefs, hate everything about them and they feel the same way, then having them in your life because somehow your child deserves to know them is even more nuts!!

If you don't deserve them, for god's sake why inflict them on a bloody child? [boggle]

I suppose I just don't value family at any cost.

phipps · 30/10/2010 19:36

This all sounds very over dramatic. What on Earth makes you think your brother would hurt you or son? It sounds like he cares about as much for you and yours as you do about him and his.

MadamDeathstare · 30/10/2010 19:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HecateQueenOfWitches · 30/10/2010 19:42

I agree, Madame.

I haven't had anything to do with my father's whole family for 20 years.

I've got a cousin I've never set eyes on - or maybe I did when she was a baby, I can't remember.

I've got aunties and uncles I wouldn't know if I fell over!

I couldn't give a shit that we've got dna in common. Don't feel I'm missing anything and don't feel the kids are.

'Family'. pah. They are just people They don't matter any more or less than joe bloggs down the street.

Why have people you hate in your life if you don't have to?

PosieComeHereMyPreciousParker · 30/10/2010 19:44

Do whatever you like...I'd stay away from such toxic hatefilled people.

I have cousins that I have never met and plenty I never see. One of my Uncles didn't even go to his own mother's funeral, twat.

YANBU

Original poster

Witchcat · 30/10/2010 19:45

Phipps over dramatic was me pulling a knife on my brother and his friend when they ganged up on my when my pearents were on holiday and they were going to beat me up.

His friend is in jail for raping the same girl twice and after a few more beating the school call SS and my Dad told my Brother who was 18 at the time if he hit me again he would be kick out of the house.

My brother also has a fire arms lisence and a shot gun. I do not want anything to do with him.

I agree with Hecate. That is actlly how i feel i would not be friends with him if he was someone on the street why should it make a difference if we just have the same mum and Dad?

OP posts:

DuelingFanjo · 30/10/2010 19:55

I agree with Hecate.

if SIL insists on sending a present you don't have to send one back.

HecateQueenOfWitches · 30/10/2010 19:56

Witchcat, you are getting so het up at the thought of having him in your life - what more needs to be said? You don't have to have him or his wife and child in your life. You really don't. Your child isn't owed a relationship based on dna and you are not letting your child down by saying 'you know what, I just don't bloody want to!'

What's so special about a relationship with someone just because they happen to share genes with you? I mean really, it's nothing is it?

LittleRedPumpkin · 30/10/2010 19:57

You pulled a knife on your brother and his wife wants to know you?! Wow.

KurriKurri · 30/10/2010 20:01

Witchcat I cross posted with you - having read what caused the rift, I think you have very valid reasons for not wanting your brother in your life.

In your first post it sounded like fairy run of the mill sibling problems that could possibly be solved, but your later post shows it's a lot more than just that, so I've revised my answer in light of your following posts.

thisisyesterday · 30/10/2010 20:04

i agree totally with hecate.

and i hardly think it is "punishing" the brother's unborn child by not wanting to have anything to do with thekm
the child isn't born, it doesn't, and probably won't, ever know the OP and her child. how is that "punishing" it? it won't know any different?
just like the OP's child doesn't know them and is presumably not unbearably unhappy about this!

i can't imagine why you would want anything to do with someone who you have nothing in common with, who openly dislikes you and who has treated you like that in the past.

but i do agree tht you need to tell SIL herself. write a letter or something if you don't want to see/call her

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