AIBU to say i want nothing to do with my Brother's child?

[Witchcat]

I have no talked to m,y Brother in over 6 years. I dont know his telephone number, i do not get birthday cards, or any cards or anything from him. He will not talk to my DH if we happen to be at my Mum's house at the same time and he will then leave very fast or if we are there just no come in.

The was no big fight we just dont like each other. I disagree with all of his belifes and think he is wrong about alot of things. When i was younger he used to beat me up a lot and he was 18 years old at the time and 6 years oldre than me.

When i had my DS i sent him a pic and invited him to the christening but i had no respones. Then when he got married 2 years ago his wife sent my son a xmas gift and i give it away to a friend as my son does not know that i have a Brother.

Now that his wife is having there first child she wants to give my son a xmas gift and i have told my mum to tell them not to bother as my son does not know them and i will not be having anything to do with my Brothers child and that i would perfer to just not go there.

My Mum passed the message along and my SIL disagrees and will be stending a gift as she will be giving gift to my other sisters kids as well.

My problem is if i accept the gift i will have to get her child a gift and explain to my son that my brother does not like me or his Dad and i dont want to do that.

Am i being UR to ask her not to send gifts and to tell her that as my brother blancked my son that i will have nothering to do with his and that includes sending xmas gifts or should i send gifts even if it grates on my as its for children?

Or how do i get thru to SIL that i feel like its just not worth the hassle in knowing them?

YABVU, why should your nephew and SIL suffer because his dad is a horror.

Dunno

I wonder trixy have you read any of this thread at all?

Why are they suffering?

Is the child down the street from me suffering because my children don't know them and I don't send them presents?

No. So 'suffering' comes about because there happens to be an accident of birth involved?

I respect your opinion but it is one I simply cannot understand, as it hinges on the idea that somehow, something is owed to accidents of birth. I don't understand why that matters, I genuinely don't.

Tabby op. I agree with J
Hecate. There is no way you should consider relations with your brother just because he is your brother.

I too cannot stand one of my brothers - he was also violent towards me even though there's only two years between us - and he's married an unpleasant person now too. I avoid contact at all costs, quietly to avoid drama but I do send their two children Christmas and birthday gifts because I'd hate for those children to think I had any bad feeling toward them.

It is hard with family when you decide enough is enough. Some seem to think you should battle on with hopeless cases. Save your energies for more important, positive things in life.

Just HAD to wade in here: My BIL and SIL (husband's brother) haven't spoken to me since DD1 was 6 months old, they refused to come to Christening etc., but after initiating a massive argument, they always sent gifts to my children and told everyone what they'd sent to show what really really good and kind people they truly are, and so as to prove that I was being the unreasonable one to object that they refused to speak to me, after all, who am I? They speak to my husband if they have time, and they'd be delighted to see children at a date and time of their convenience, but they don't want to acknowledge me. Er, strangely this has now begun to upset my children and they have finally asked me to tell BIL and SIL not to send them anything ever again - after all who wants to receive gifts from people they don't know, sent so as to spite the mother?

Tonight my husband has gone to see his brother and my DD2 is desolate as she DOES now know what happened. I don't blame the OP for not wanting your son to know, my children have said it has "cast a dark shadow" over their childhood. YANBU. Family problems hurt.

Yep read the whole thread. Why should a wee boy not know his cousins because of an accident of his birth. The op doesn't need to have anything to do with her brother but what harm really would accepting a present and sending a present in return.

Why should he know them because of an 'accident of his birth'?

yes but why does he matter any more than any other child? That's what I don't understand. That's the accident of birth.

It's just some random kid that happens to be the child of a horrible man who happens to have the same parents as the OP.

Why is any relationship needed? Any more so than a child picked at random from a park 3 towns over? That's what I don't understand because that's the argument that somehow dna makes a difference. The idea of dna making a relationship somehow required is what I don't understand.

And to date, nobody (anywhere ) has ever been able to explain it. Because it comes down to - well, they're family. To which I shrug and say and? There doesn't seem to be any actual reason other than somehow you owe someone a place in your life if they're hanging off a branch of your family tree.

I'm really hoping the blood is thicker than water/can't deny your children's cousins posters just haven't read the thread properly. Otherwise there's a seriously casual acceptance of violence by a brother against his sister (and with a 6 year age gap) prevalent.

If you think your child might be put in danger from having contact with your brother, then perhaps you ought not to have contact. Accepting presents from your SIL is a different matter altogether.

My DH and I do not see eye to eye or agree with the types of lives our siblings lead, be that aggressive or such. However, they are our childrens relatives and whilst we would not want those relatives to babysit, we still accept that sending presents is normal and so forth. I'm not sure the exact reasons for your brother and your relationship breakdown. It does sound very deep-rooted and TBH, if you're asking the question, perhaps you already know the answer. Good luck x

Me too

Yes, I know. An 18 yr old beating a 12 yr old so often and so badly that social services were contacted by the school and the 12yr old eventually was pushed through fear to try to protect herself with a knife when the 18yr old enlisted the help of his friend to both beat her up.

And of course this being the same person who felt that a disabled man had no right to a family.

What a delightful man. I can quite see why it's important to maintain any sort of link with him.

Trixy - the harm is that it would be seen as opening the lines of communication between the OP and someone who has been seriously violent and threatening to her in the past.

If someone unrelated to the OP had beaten her up as an 18 year old when she was 12, and subsequently threatened to beat her up along with his friends would you be advising her to be friendly with his wife and child?

That was for aaaaaAAARGHandbreathe

If they dont speack or see me and my husband why send a present to a child they dont know?

i dont know her or the unborn child and i dont wish too. I'm happy with my own family and i dont want them in it.

She know my brother and i did not get on and did not talk when she meet him and when she got married and now she is pg she thinks thats going to change things and to me it doesn't.

Because i have no contact with my brother i dont think of her as part of my family i dont know her and it feels strange to me to be put in the position of having to explane this to her.

Quite Hecate - the SS involvement and a 12 yr old feeling forced to carry a knife is utterly shocking. I don't post that much but am just really taken aback that anyone would advise OP to be in contact with her brother or his family. I know there's some kind of deep emotional compulsion for people to say oh but go on they're faaaaamily. I had to revise my own initial post saying to explain to SIL briefly when I saw someone else had said nope send everything back and I thought, yes, you do not open any lines of communication to someone who has been so violent or threatening and vile to you or your family in the past.

It's really got me riled. Horrible situation for OP - OP FWIW you sound really sorted and lovely and like you have managed to maintain good relations with the rest of your family (that you wanted to) so if the status quo is okay with you stick with it.

You give people gifts because you have want them to know you care about them, you SIL does not know your child and therefore is sending a gift 'just because...' It is actually emotional blackmail.

I really feel for you, for those people who have never had to deal with family violence before will probably not understand and be very generic in how you should deal with it, you are being placed (forced) into a situation, essentially you are being bullied.

As an adult your wishes should be respected, stay strong and be confident you are making the right decision.

Felt compelled to weigh in here, but after reading the responses I think Hectate has expressed it perfectly. Agree whole heartedly with Hectate.

TBH, i don't believe a word of it I'm sorry but if you read the op she said " there's no big fight we just don't like each other" How does that square with the rest of her posts.

Then there' s the drip feed of her pulling a knife on him and the shotgun licence.

She also was the one to try an instigate contact with her brother after the birth of her child and invited him to the christening !!!

Witchcat - Wouldn't your mother just explain this to SIL without you having to officially respond in any way? As in Oh well Witchcat and her brother don't speak after he beat her up and got his friends to join in? After all your Dad reached the point of wanting to chuck your brother out of the house so they knew about the violence and threats? for 12 year old you.

This really hurts

Try thinking about living in your home for 4 years with the threat of being attacked at any momment by a man and having on one stopping it, your pearents let it happen the people who are ment to protect you they dont. Then you finaly get away from them and put the past behind you but just because a women get pg your family think you should play happy families with the man that abused you.

Only my family, my mum and dad that is do not see it like that and think i'm making a big deal out of nothing and cant undrestand why i dont want to know my brother and his family.

No that my brother actually wants to know me my husband or my son.

It doesn't represent the opening of lines of communication. It represents the SIL insisting on giving a present to someone who has said they don't want one. However, if it's done through the parents then who's to say what you do with it once it's been handed over.

I don't think you have to explain anything to anyone. However, I think if your SIL insists on giving your son a present then keep it if it's good and charity shop it if it's crap. They won't know either way. You don't have to reciprocate.

I'd just open it first and make sure it's something you don't mind having in your house, before your child sees it.

Take them for something, why not?

Trixy - People often get in touch with people they've lost contact with when they've had a child. Very normal. They suffer a bit of oh but they're family angst an uncle should meet his nephew etc. so I think that would be very normal, even in the context of OP's treatment by her brother. It's exactly what a lot of posters are advising her.

And the Opening Post mentioned an 18 year old brother beating up his 12 year old sister. It was the 5th sentence. That immediately rang alarm bells for me.

YANBU- I have a very similar situation with a brother, and I would never start accepting/giving gifts, just because his wife thought it was 'the thing to do'.