AIBU to say i want nothing to do with my Brother's child?

[Witchcat]

I have no talked to m,y Brother in over 6 years. I dont know his telephone number, i do not get birthday cards, or any cards or anything from him. He will not talk to my DH if we happen to be at my Mum's house at the same time and he will then leave very fast or if we are there just no come in.

The was no big fight we just dont like each other. I disagree with all of his belifes and think he is wrong about alot of things. When i was younger he used to beat me up a lot and he was 18 years old at the time and 6 years oldre than me.

When i had my DS i sent him a pic and invited him to the christening but i had no respones. Then when he got married 2 years ago his wife sent my son a xmas gift and i give it away to a friend as my son does not know that i have a Brother.

Now that his wife is having there first child she wants to give my son a xmas gift and i have told my mum to tell them not to bother as my son does not know them and i will not be having anything to do with my Brothers child and that i would perfer to just not go there.

My Mum passed the message along and my SIL disagrees and will be stending a gift as she will be giving gift to my other sisters kids as well.

My problem is if i accept the gift i will have to get her child a gift and explain to my son that my brother does not like me or his Dad and i dont want to do that.

Am i being UR to ask her not to send gifts and to tell her that as my brother blancked my son that i will have nothering to do with his and that includes sending xmas gifts or should i send gifts even if it grates on my as its for children?

Or how do i get thru to SIL that i feel like its just not worth the hassle in knowing them?

Oh witchcat i've just read your thread and wanted to say that YADNBU in any way.

Just because you happen to be related to these people doesn't mean that you are under any obligation to have a relationship with them. SIL obviously hasn't had anything to do with your son so far so why should that change just because she's now pregnant? Your brother doesn't sound like a nice person at all and I certanly wouldn't want my DC around somebody like that.

I wholeheartedly agree with Hectate and aaaaaAAARGHandbreathe

Please don't feel pressured into doing anything that makes you feel uncomfortable, trust your instincts x

I was 14 when my mum and dad when on holiday. My brother was 20 and my sister was30 who would pop in if needed.

I was home for lunch from high school and my brothers friend started to kick me, he said my brother hated me and that i made his life hell and then he kicked me some more when my brother laughted. i kicked him back he hit me in the sholdre.

I went in the kitchen got a knife out the draw and when back in living room held the knife up and asked his friend to get out of my house.

He took the knife off me and cut his hand and said if i ever did that again to him i had better use it or i would be the one who would be dead.

I kicked the man now holding the knife in the balls and ran to the bathroom locked the door and called my sister.

Yes i am a real person and yes i am upset by what happened and yes i have been to counciling and yes it is fucked up.

Oh Witchcat that is just awful. A friend of mine was once in this situation - she was 16 her brother was 14 (later diagnosed as a schizophrenic and heavy drug user - v sad for him too) and she was terrified of him. And her parents (otherwise loving and protective) could just not see past having to eject their son and so she just had to lock herself in her bedroom. So I just cannot imagine living like that for 4 years fro 12 - 16 and waiting until you can finally get away.

Don't listen to the trollhunters. Get yourself over to Relationships and someone has already recommended the Stately Homes thread that might be helpful to read/post on.

And for Schroeder too. Would the posters advising the OP to accept the presents accept one of their children doing this to another of their children (regardless of gender but with the same age gap - although I do think it is worse being a boy attacking a girl because of relative strength and stature)? I hope not.

If I were in your situation, I would return any presents/mail they send. And would not send anything in return.

I don't blame you for not wanting your brother in your life.
Some doors are best left closed.

I'm ok on the relationship part, i have no contact with him. I'm happy with my life. i just need to know the best way of getting this throu to his wife and how to stop her from sending my son a gift?

Witchcat Please don't get stressed. It is best you have nothing to do with this man who just happens to have the same parents as you. I totally understand that, and have never understood the whole 'blood relation' thing. If someone is really evil and nasty, why the hell should you act like all is fine just because you are related. You can't choose your family, as the saying goes.

I have a younger brother who I have never got on with. He is nothing like your brother but he caused me much unhappiness in the past and was vile. I always felt like my feelings were ignored by my parents. We have nothing in common so I refuse to be pulled by this brother/sister shit. I didnt go to his wedding about 10 years ago - why should i? We hadn;t spoken since I left home when I was 19! I was made to look like the meanie for not going to his wedding! He has young children now and I am sure he is a good father and I didnt want to hold the sins of their father against the children, so I do send presents at birthdays and christmas. BUT as I said, its different for me. I didnt get beaten up and although he was a horrid shit when we were younger, my brother turned a leaf in adulthood. However, that doesnt change the fact we have nothing in common so sending presents to his chidren is my compromise, but we wont be whooping it up together at a family gathering any time this lifetime. I also do not know his phone number, we live in different towns and I send presents through my mother. If for one moment I felt threatened by my brother, I would not do this and I would not feeel guilty. No one othe rthan you fully understand the negative affect he has had on your life, so sod them. Do what you are happy with and nothing else.

Tell your parents you have made a decisiona and you wont be discussing it further.

Life is too short to do things that make you unhappy just becasue peole think you should. I hope you can cut this man out of your life and live a relaxed and content family life with no problems with him inthe future :)

If you tell your mum you can't and won't accept the gifts and will leave them at hers will it stop your SIL? Or failing that, if gifts are given to your mum to pass on can you just leave them at hers?

I would also return any gifts to sender and hope his wife gives up eventually :)

just wanted to add that yadnbu - don't feel guilty - if you didn't have a genetic connection to this man, no-one would be suggesting that you accept gifts from him or his family

YANBU in feeling that it is not worth the hassle knowing them. Stand your ground and avoid communication. Would your SIL give the gift to your mum to give to you? I would leave this at your mum's house and blank them. If your brother was physically abusive it is risky to you and your family to have a relationship with them at all. You sound really clear that you don't want this. Sounds like you've got your priorities right and its bringing up painful memories for you. Good luck.

I just feel guilty. I dont know her and if i write a letter to explaine well ian might not have told her what happened and it might cause problems and she is pg so i dont want to upset her.

I just dont want any contact with them.

I think i will just leave the gift at my mums and say nothing.

My mum has told her i do not want a gift for my son and my mum said she disagreed and will treat all the children in the family the same and send a gift, even after what my mum has said.

i guess i should stop stressing and just ignore it but i still feel guilty.

Please don't accept these gifts or do anything that would open the lines of communication. My DCs are not remotely affected by no contact with DHs family they have happy little lives and couldnt care less. If we began contact with these awful screwed up people amongst other things it would end our marriage.

You, your DH and your DCs sound like a lovely little family and thats your priority. please dont accept any gifts or do anything that would put you in the wrong should you not reciprocate.

The most your parents or siblings need to be told is 'Please respect my wishes.'

I do hope you will be allowed to get on with your lives without the stress of this hanging over you

Witchcat, if your SIL insists on sending gifts against your wishes, just give the presents to a friend or to a charity shop. You do not need to give them to your DS.

Dont feel guily, you are not the one who needs to be guilty about anything.

Just carry on with your life, with your DH and DS, and be happy. Do not let your brother
make you miserable again.

Sounds like she's bullying you through your mum tbh. Good on your mum for telling her your views. She sounds strange if she disagreed with what your mum was saying. Never mind upsetting her, her actions are upsetting you.

I don't think you need to justify yourself through writing a letter as you have valid reasons to not want to communicate - that would create an uncomfortable place for you.

You know that your and your DH and DS's happiness come first.

OP, tbh it doesn't matter what he did to you (although he sounds like a total shit). bottom line is, you don't like him, and you are entitled to keep away from he and his family if that is what you want. don't be bullied by him (or his wife) again.

i'm with hecate, if he's not a guy the OP likes, she doesn't have to have contact with him just because they share parents. but i would send a card to say that you appreciate the effort, because you believe it has its roots in kindness (although i personally have my doubts given how clear you have been with them) but that some relationships are best not mended. wish them well and explain that if they send a gift for your son you will donate it to the local Save The Children fund. (or if you were feeling cheeky you could say that you would ebay it and donate the money to childline, because you wish you had called them all those years ago... )

Im actually very that the SIL is insisting.
Its not actually her bloody place to force this on you, she sounds manipulative and pushy.
You are a grown woman, you are perfectly capable of making this kind of descision by yourself without some pushy, annoying distant new unwanted inlaw making your life uncomfortable because what,,, she's hormonal and thinks your wrong??

BS, if anything else happens OP, go to the police so they are aware from the start.

good luck

Don't write a letter, your non-contact is explanation enough that you don't want anything to do with them. Don't accept a present from SIL, you could say (via Mum if necessary) if a present is given, we are not going to accept it as we don't envisage a relationship with your child.

You sound very very brave.

If you don't send a present back maybe next year she wont bother sending presents again? I wouldn't send anything.

YANBU at all. I would want to keep my DC away from such hateful people too.

Have a relationship with your SIL and new niece/nephew if only to piss your brother off