AIBU to say i want nothing to do with my Brother's child?

[Witchcat]

I have no talked to m,y Brother in over 6 years. I dont know his telephone number, i do not get birthday cards, or any cards or anything from him. He will not talk to my DH if we happen to be at my Mum's house at the same time and he will then leave very fast or if we are there just no come in.

The was no big fight we just dont like each other. I disagree with all of his belifes and think he is wrong about alot of things. When i was younger he used to beat me up a lot and he was 18 years old at the time and 6 years oldre than me.

When i had my DS i sent him a pic and invited him to the christening but i had no respones. Then when he got married 2 years ago his wife sent my son a xmas gift and i give it away to a friend as my son does not know that i have a Brother.

Now that his wife is having there first child she wants to give my son a xmas gift and i have told my mum to tell them not to bother as my son does not know them and i will not be having anything to do with my Brothers child and that i would perfer to just not go there.

My Mum passed the message along and my SIL disagrees and will be stending a gift as she will be giving gift to my other sisters kids as well.

My problem is if i accept the gift i will have to get her child a gift and explain to my son that my brother does not like me or his Dad and i dont want to do that.

Am i being UR to ask her not to send gifts and to tell her that as my brother blancked my son that i will have nothering to do with his and that includes sending xmas gifts or should i send gifts even if it grates on my as its for children?

Or how do i get thru to SIL that i feel like its just not worth the hassle in knowing them?

the reason i would send a note btw is so as to deal with the mother's input into this. as in 'i have sent a polite note thanking her for her kind efforts but saying no thanks, Mum, so that is an end of it'. imo the mother needs a bit of handling here as well, if she's anything like a lot of women of that generation who pushed things under the carpet, she will see ill manners as a greater offence than assault and battery, and will obsess about that rather than the big picture. but i may be wrong, of course.

YANBU, these people are toxic, you shouldn't have to expose your children - or yourself - to them. IMO you should bin the present or send it back to them. Don't get involved in writing letters or discussing things with them - it could open up a can of worms. Just be firm about refusing contact, you're doing the right thing IMO.

Thank you for all your replies and support.

Talking to my mum i sometimes feel brain washed in to thinking i should forget and forgive and that it is me in the wrong so i need to just write it down and justify my actions to my self and do the right thing for my son and husband and my self.

I dont want to be mean about it i just dont want my brother and his family in our life.

I will send the gift back if they post one or not pick it up if its at my mum's and not feel guilty as i told her not to get one in the first place.

If she has a problem with that she will have to contact me and then i can explain why if i need to.

Witchcat Hope at the very least you can see you are doing the right thing in refusing contact. Easier said than done, but as other posters have said, you don't have to justify yourself but I understand why you feel as if you have to because your parents and other siblings have not been supportive about your brother's abuse of you.

Just a thought, (and others may have differing views on this) but is there any room to say to your mum - ah well I've spoken to my counsellor/therapist and he/she does not think any contact would be a good idea so since they've given me good advice and support in the past I'm going to do what's best for me and have no contact. (so what if you're not seeing anyone at the moment - you might not want to discuss being in therapy/counselling otherwise so no need for your mum to question this.) It's not because you need to justify yourself, am just thinking it might give your mum a little jolt to realise you've had to seek outside support and also how this whole horrible story comes across to an outsider. Hardly nice 'normal' behaviour and in her heart of hearts she knows that.

My mum is nearly 70 years old now and i got over blaming her when i was 19 and decide to take responsibility for my own life. I had years of hating the fact that she didnt protect me but there is nothing i can do about it. I know her childhood was worse than mine and she is not a good mother but she did the best she could.

I just feel sorry for her now and wish her life was better and that she was a better mother to me but it will not change anything.

So now i get to try to be the mother that i have always wanted to my own son and so far i think in doing ok

It will always hurt that my family is not all that good but at least i know what not to do.

I do get days when i think it would be better off if my son did not know them but then i think he should and then make his own mind up when his is older so i keep visite short and controlled.

You are definitely not being U at all Witchcat. Your brother put you through a hellish situation, and if people cannot understand why you don't want any sort of relationship with him or his family then that is their problem.

I was beaten up very regularly by a sibling when I was the same age as you. It was sometimes just a 'light' beating - being slapped around the face for having my walkman turned up too loud, having my face rubbed against the carpet until it burned, being locked in a cupboard for fun. And other times it wasn't so light, like when I committed some crime or another and was punished by being thrashed with a metal rod so hard it broke my arm as I tried to defend myself.

Sometimes the attacks were witnessed. At least once a family friend saw me having my head smashed against the floor and physically intervened. Worse of all is the memory of being punched in the face, looking up and seeing that my father had seen it happen, then seeing him close the door and 'leave us to it'

Nothing was ever done. I eventually told my mother it was happening, but this was after my sibling had left home, so it made no difference. No-one has ever apologised, and to be honest I couldn't give a fuck. No apology will ever bring back those days of my childhood that were ruined. My life is happy and complete without the people in it that just happen to be made by the same combination of egg and sperm.

If the SIL insists on giving you presents just drop them off at the nearest charity shop or nursery. Life is too short to get upset by these people.

When there is a chance for the subject to come up naturally, let you DS know that you have a brother and that you don't get on very well together because he is not a nice person. That's real life. He will understand. Not a big issue. End of.
Or, keep it from him until he's old enough to, say, go searching the internet for his family tree. Then let him find out for himself that you have a brother, ask questions and find out all the gory details. And resent you heartily for not trusting him with this information earlier. A big issue. Will not end soon.

If i send the gift back then i look like the mean person to the rest of my family and if i keep it then they have a way in to my life that i dont want them in.

I have tried to get her to not send one in the first place but that looks as if she is ignoring my request and will post one anyway.

If i send the gift back i will look mean and the trouble maker but it might get the gifts stoped or it might just cause a big row with fall out for everyone.

If i accept it and give it away then i would be expected to give their child one and hence make a conection with them and i dont want to do that.

I realy dont know what to do for the best here

YANBU

I also dont get the idea of having relationships with people who only cause pain/ stress in your life, just because youre related. You didnt ask to be related and wouldnt choose to be friends with these people if you met them any other way.
For some reason new babies seem to cause this reaction tho, Im expecting and family I havent seen or spoken to in years now want to get involved in my life. I really cant see why. We didnt get on 10 years ago, we have had no contact in 10 (or more) years, why change anything? My baby wont miss out on anything by not knowing them.

If your SiL doesnt know you (as in, actually met/ talked etc) then shes not buying your son a present, she knows nothing about him to judge what he would like, shes just buying something for reasons of her own.

Youve done your best to discourage her from sending it, if she wont listen (not impressed by that, not very respectful to send a child something if parent has said no) just send it back. Do not feel guilty.

that's why i think a note is best, thanking her for her interest and declaring your intention to donate her gift to charity. women's aid take in gifts for children at christmas, they will appreciate it.

or leave the gift with your mother.

how you 'look' to them isn't relevant, you have no relationship with them. imo you are better handling your mother's expectations here, telling her flat out that this is the way it's going to be and she doesn't have to agree with you on it, this is your family now and you say what goes.

The SIL sounds very pushy and manipulative. If you don't want anything to do with your brother and his family then that is your choice (and sounds like the right decision!) She should respect that rather than stirring. If you have said you do not want to receive a present for your DS then it is very weird behaviour on her part IMO to persist in sending stuff. It's as if they want to keep pushing this issue either to force contact or make you look like the bad guy.

Not sure whether it's better to accept the gifts and give them to charity or to return the via your mum and state again that you are not interested in them or any contact.

I'm sorry you have such a horrible brother who caused you so much stress and fear :(

Withcat. Through not fault of your own you may well be in a damned if you do and damned if you don't situation.

You have made it clear to your SIL that you do not want her gifts. Your next move should just be to leave any gift she sends this christmas with your mum.

Tell your mum that you have not changed your mind and ask her to pass that on to SIL. No apologies, no excuses. Be firm.

You can't predict what the fall out of this will be and you shouldn't waste your precious time worrying about it now. Deal with the problem when it arises or come to that, IF it arises. SIL may well decide to let it drop.

Please ignore the pressure from your mum. She is in denial and is looking to you to cover up the cracks she is partly responsible for creating.

Focus on yourself and your own family.

agree totally about mother being in denial and looking to paper over cracks.