AIBU to say i want nothing to do with my Brother's child?

[Witchcat]

I have no talked to m,y Brother in over 6 years. I dont know his telephone number, i do not get birthday cards, or any cards or anything from him. He will not talk to my DH if we happen to be at my Mum's house at the same time and he will then leave very fast or if we are there just no come in.

The was no big fight we just dont like each other. I disagree with all of his belifes and think he is wrong about alot of things. When i was younger he used to beat me up a lot and he was 18 years old at the time and 6 years oldre than me.

When i had my DS i sent him a pic and invited him to the christening but i had no respones. Then when he got married 2 years ago his wife sent my son a xmas gift and i give it away to a friend as my son does not know that i have a Brother.

Now that his wife is having there first child she wants to give my son a xmas gift and i have told my mum to tell them not to bother as my son does not know them and i will not be having anything to do with my Brothers child and that i would perfer to just not go there.

My Mum passed the message along and my SIL disagrees and will be stending a gift as she will be giving gift to my other sisters kids as well.

My problem is if i accept the gift i will have to get her child a gift and explain to my son that my brother does not like me or his Dad and i dont want to do that.

Am i being UR to ask her not to send gifts and to tell her that as my brother blancked my son that i will have nothering to do with his and that includes sending xmas gifts or should i send gifts even if it grates on my as its for children?

Or how do i get thru to SIL that i feel like its just not worth the hassle in knowing them?

I do wonder tho littlered if the bro has told his wife, my sister hates me as I breat her up, one night both my friend and I tried it, I told her she shouldnt have married her DH and had a child as he's disabled. Can just see the conversation.

Witchcat. This to me is simple. If you think there's a chance that your brother would hurt you or your family then don't see him.

As a mother, keeping your child safe is surely amoung your first priorities.

When you first posted all I could think was that you shouldn't deny your child relationships with his family because you don't want a relationship with those family members but (sorry to say this) your brother and his friends sound dangerous.

I think I would steer well clear too, you will never trust him, so how can you have a relationship with him? Sounds like your SIL is a decent sort though, maybe just try to keep a (distant) relationship with her for the sake of your children.

You never said that first though did you? Either tell the whole story in the OP or accept people will have their own opinions about what is said.

I agree with Hecate. Especially her last post that the whole idea of any contact is obviously upsetting you. Just stay away. It's what I do. And, have others have said, you don't have to send anything back.

Fair point witch, he probably hasn't told her! It, er, doesn't sound exactly as if he'd add much to your life, does it?

See, I sort of think it's a really agressive act to keep forcing an issue, sending presents etc., when it has been made absolutely and unequivocally clear that this will not be welcomed.

It keeps pushing you into a position where you have to reject or ignore the gifts and defend your reasoning (as well as being made to look like the bad guy) when they have no reason to suppose that you have suddenly changed your mind about having contact with them.

As for the issue of cousins. Plenty of people don't have cousins or have cousins they barely know because of geography or indifference, they're not all horribly scarred by the absence of that relationship. They're just two children who do not know each other, no pressing need to change that fact if you don't want to.

I agree with Hecate and am impressed that she took all that time to write out her reasoning.

I thought I would feel like this about any children my sister had. We have never got along and after years of bust ups we now avoid each other. Sister now has a DD and I have a DS.

However, our children love each other dearly and their relationship is very special. We only see sis' daughter a couple of times a year and it's arranged through my mum. I leave gifts for her at my mum's if I can't see her at Christmas.

I hope I never have to spend time in my sister's company ever again, but I love my little niece and am glad that she's (a small) part of our lives.

I would send them a change of address card to be honest and change your phone number. He sounds horrible.

One of my uncles lives in the same town as us with his family and my cousins are now 19 and 17 (at a guess). I haven't seen them since they were toddlers because my uncle decided not to see any of his (previously close) family when he remarried for whatever reason. I don't weep over this lost family relationship; they're people I have nothing in common with, I don't miss them. FWIW your brother sounds a right horrorshow and I would write to the SIL detailing exactly how he has treated you and why you don't want to stay in touch. It's pretty certain he won't have told her.

OP did mention her brother's violence towards her in her 1st post

I doubt your sil has any idea of why you and your brother fell out; he will have lied about it or maybe he has blocked it out somehow.

I would not make any effort to keep in touch with him.

yanbu

I wouldn't let anyone racist near my DC.

Let alone the rest of it.

I would have nothing to do with him.

I would though let your son know he has an uncle but not say much more than that, if he asks just say you don't get on. he will find out when it and feel as if you lied to him.

We don't see DHs dad (who is a racist git too) and they know he exists but never ask anything about him because he means nothing to them.

What does a gun licence have to do with the price of milk?

Anyway, i don't think its necessary to see them if you don't want, just say no to the gift and that will be that.

yanbu

If she sends you something, just send it back.
She will get the message eventually.
I wouldn't talk, pass messages on, communicate, i would just ignore and avoid.
If you get a dialogue (sp?) going, you're inviting trouble you don't want.

I wouldn't write to the SIL detailing everything. You sound genuinely afraid and for good reason.

1. He beat you up when he was 18 and you were 12 (I'm amazed as so many posters thinking that is ok to gloss over - if it had been any other relative, say cousin, uncle, any other adult male relative, would it have been equally forgiveable? Or is this laissez-faire attitude only extended to brothers beating up sisters? Interesting.)

1. He has a vile attitude to your husband being disabled and disabled people in general (again, would this be any different if her husband was black/white/asian...just any colour or race other than what her brother thought she should be allowed to marry? It's on a par in my view and not to be tolerated on any kind of "blood is thicker than water" nonsense)

1. Combined with a history of violence against you, he now has a gun licence and a shotgun. Handy, should he ever want to shoot someone.

1. He shoots animals for fun, so at some level he enjoys killing living things.

1. His wife is racist (have you ever met her? how do you know this OP?)

I would not let these people in my life or anywhere near my child. Sadly, no that is not their child's fault but as another poster pointed out, their child will know no different and has other extended family.

This is not some long ago family disagreement over money not being repaid or a rude remark at a wedding with both parties holding onto a grudge.

OP - I think you can only say to your mum to tell SIL that she is kind to send presents but that you would prefer no contact whatsoever because your brother makes you very afraid. And ask your mum to relay only that. If your Dad threatened to kick your brother out due to his violence against you, your parents knew (to some extent) what was going on so your mum needs to back you up. If I was your Mum and wanted to be a good MIL I would also say to my DIL at the same time as relaying that message that she could always come to me if your bro was ever violent to her. If it hasn't happened already, it will.

Hold firm OP with your no contact. You're doing the right thing. Have you been to the police about his previous behaviour? And do your other sisters still keep in contact with him?

Actually scrub that bit about saying ANYTHING to your SIL via your mum. I agree with OTTMummA above. Accept nothing and just send the presents back.

I agree with a notanumber, you are being placed in an awful position, you have made your feelings clear and they should, therefore, be respected.

May I ask how your parents and other sister feel about the rift? Are they putting pressure on you?

Family arguments are always very difficult, generally its over a cross word, difference of opinion or mis-understanding. If the problem was because of violence or feeling frightened in someones company I would stay away.

I think YANBU, and shouldn't have this pressure, your SIL is being unreasonable. If she is so keen to extend the olive branch she should telephone you and find out what the issues are, not be passive aggressive and monopolise on the time of year.

YABVU, your brothers wife is trying to mend bridges, is making an effort. What happened between you and your brother is not her or her childs fault. Act like an adult and do the right thing. Your ds will find out eventually that you have a brother, kids are not stupid.

Just read your other post op, i am just not sure, your brother does not sound like a nice person at all.

My mum is putting pressure on my to be nice to my SIL i have only meet her 2 times for about 5 mins 7 years ago.

My sisters are not bother that i dont talk to him. They are 16 and 18 years oldre than me and have families and lives of there own.

My eldest sister thinks like me but is more tolarent and tactful about it and my other sister thinks the sun shines out of his bum.

As i live in a biffrent town and none of my sisters or my mum and dad dont call me or come to see me its not a problem for them.

They all down play the past but i was very angry to think they were all adults and none of them stoped what was happening until the school found out and saw the bruies and called SS.

My extaned family is very messed up and i try to keep out of things if i can. This is upsetting me as it is bringing it all back again.

I dont mean to drip feed info i'm just trying to keep it simple and not make it too long.

Sorry about the spelling im dyslexic and i'm so stressed about this its making my spelling wores

Just tell your Mum sorry but you really don't want to have anything to do with your brother. You could also point out how let down you still feel that no-one intervened when you were a child and he was attacking you.

You do not have to have anything to do with him.

The one thing I would say is that you will have to tell your son about your brother some time. So prepare yourself now for what you will say, and when you will tell him. From my own family experience I would say that drip feeding little bits of information over a long time might help.

Good luck!

Oh witchcat I really do feel for you; I think people find it hard to understand that brothers and sisters fighting is not always just playfighting.

My Brother beat me up regularly when I was a teenager, it only stopped when he moved out, noone has ever taken it seriously.

Nobody talks about it and some members of my family think I am out of order, because I do not keep in touch with him. There's so much secrecy and shame with violence that happens within the family.

There is a thread on here called 'stately homes' I think, I wonder if it would help for you share your feelings there?