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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

For not wanting to pay for this woman to come to DC's birthday activity?

142 replies

Rosieeo · 30/10/2010 09:04

DD's birthday is coming up, and we decided that we'd take her plus friends to a local theme park for the day. They're all in reception class. We planned on there being two adults/two cars/eight children.

Got an email last night from one parent saying that is was very generous of me to pay for everyone to have a day out. I was a bit Confused and replied saying that it was only ten tickets and it would be significantly cheaper than having a party.

I got another email this morning saying that there was no way that she would let her DS go there 'on his own' for the day, but that she and her DH would meet us there with her DS. She finished by saying that she hoped I didn't mind and that it was 'only another two tickets after all' !?!

Now, I don't believe for one moment that I should have to pay for her and her DH, although I am interested in what you think of it! But am I being unreasonable to ask parents to let their 4/5 year old go on a 30 minute car journey to a theme park for the day without their parents?

OP posts:
pickledbabe · 30/10/2010 11:43

I know what you mean! I would prefer to choose the other parents myself too! (you can almost guarantee that the parents you mentioned would only be interested in their own DC, and ignore all the others! worse than not having anyone there! )

FanjolinaJolie · 30/10/2010 11:44

You are quite brave even contemplating this, I wouldn't want the responsibility of that many children with only one other adult to help.

But it is certainly a nice idea.

I would go along and expect to pay for myself, but I could see that some parents maybe couldn't afford this then they find themselves in a quandry, do they let their child go without one or both parent.

How about a soft play party instead? Parents are free to come and watch/supervise at no cost to you.

Original poster
Rosieeo · 30/10/2010 12:12

Thanks again everyone. We didn't choose this because it was cheaper than a party; I asked DD what she would like to do and she said Sundown, which she loves. I'd rather not do a party to be honest, and she has got other things going on over her birthday, so it was just a day out for DD and her friends.

However, I hadn't considered a lot of things that the 'calmest' child could be very different in unfamiliar surroundings. We've decided against it for now and will have a think about something else to do.

midoriway Have you deliberately misread my posts? I didn't say I wanted other adults to come and/or to fund themselves. That was never my intention, as I've made perfectly clear.

OP posts:
GivesHeadlessHorseman · 30/10/2010 12:17

If you really want to do this how about clubbing together with the parents of another child who wants to invite the same kids, then there will be more cars and more supervision? some parents will alsways be slightly reluctant about anything that takes a young child away for more than a couple of hours in someones else's car and under someone elses supervision though.

GivesHeadlessHorseman · 30/10/2010 12:19

Having dais that though, I remember not always being a fan of the one party:two presents set-up! If this is a longer more costly day though, it would be ok.

piscesmoon · 30/10/2010 14:03

If she chose it then I think it is fine to take just one friend-they don't need parties. However a good idea to save the idea until older-if you do everything when young it doesn't leave anything new for later.

ballstoit · 30/10/2010 14:21

Goblin Child - if you arrange a trip for 90 children do you take 45 adults? Must make school trips very expensive if you do. Most of the posters prior to mine saying this were saying a 1:2 or 1:1 ratio was necessary, which was why I suggested that this was because they had only 2 or 3 children.

bubbleymummy · 30/10/2010 14:30

I wouldn't let DS go unless I was there too but I would pay for myself. I'm not sure if anyone else mentioned it but how were you planning to get 8 children into 2 cars with all the booster seats etc? Unless you have big cars...mine can only fit 2 in the back and I would never have a young child in the front seat, nor would I let my son travel in the front in someone else's car. I see you've decided against it anyway. It does sound like a nice idea but I think they are maybe too young for it to work without it becoming a logistical nightmare! Sorry!

Giddyup · 30/10/2010 14:34

I know you have changed your mind but I would have let DS got to this. But I do think it would have been wise to rope in god parents/ grannys to help too

veritythebrave · 30/10/2010 14:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

jellybeans · 30/10/2010 14:48

'But am I being unreasonable to ask parents to let their 4/5 year old go on a 30 minute car journey to a theme park for the day without their parents?'

Yes. I would never have let mine, especially my boys. I actually declined a simelar invite twice over. Too young without a parent in my opinion. I would make an excuse or directly say I didn't feel right about it yet.

Doyouthinktheysaurus · 30/10/2010 14:49

Just read the whole thread.

Good that you have changed your ming I think OP, tbh I wouldn't have let my ds's do that and would still think twice about ds2 (6) tbh.

Children can be so excitable in these places. We have enough trouble keeping track of our 2 boys, 1:1.

When I popped to the loo at London zoo and ds2 decided he wanted a better look at the lions he took himself off, just forgot to tell dhHmm Cue several minutes of utter panic before he turned up. Imagine if that was someone elses dc...I just couldn't do it.

roisin · 30/10/2010 14:58

When ds2 was little he often chose "trip" rather than "parties". But it is hard work taking other peoples' children out for a whole day. So we just had a very small group.

When he was 5 we (dh and me) took our 2 plus ds2's two best mates out for the day: train, steam train, walk, picnic, steam train, train. It was a lovely day! Our best birthday ever I think.

When he was 6 (I think) we took our 2 plus about 4 friends of ds2 to the local zoo. But we only did a short trip I think - about 4 hours, including lunch.

piscesmoon · 30/10/2010 15:16

If I took DCs out like thatI had an absolute max of 4- 2 of mine and 2 extra-it is a nice thought, but too many to keep an eye on properly.

4plus1 · 30/10/2010 15:16

We have 5 dc and it is hard work for dh & I on day trips. We have had ones getting lost numerous times, broken arms, fingers caught in doors,cut knees, teeth knocked out, bee stings, etc you name it. Anyone would think we neglect them! So cant imagine having responsibility of other pepoples dc when out and about. We are both teachers but when you are on a school trip you are insured and protected. As an individual you dont have that.

reup · 30/10/2010 15:17

Reception classes do days out and there is a one to six ratio. Your child could well be a group with a parent helper they don't know well. Would people who want smaller ratios not let their children go on school trips at this age either?

veritythebrave · 30/10/2010 15:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Laquitar · 30/10/2010 15:44

I wish we all did low key home parties. Some pizzas, silly sweets, few party games and done.
Special parties with trips etc just add stress. And the more children you have the more invitations and more stress.

No, i would't let my dd to go alone.

Please bring back normal birthday parties!

SummerRain · 30/10/2010 15:49

In my experiance of hosting birthday parties for kids around that age... even in the relatively 'safe' environment of a house there are always one or two who get upset and cry for ages, and possibly cry so much they need to have a parent collect them.

There are also always one or two minor accidents and occasionally slightly more serious ones (dd broke her legs at a friend's birthday party and a friend of hers had a tooth knocked loose at another).

It's very rare that the children will comply and all join in the activity required, so you end up having kids who won't eat the food and then are whining about being hungry half an hour later. Children of that age in groups tend to get very wild as well and will be egging each other on to be noisy and rambunctious.

I think you're very wise to plan something else as I can imagine far too many catastrophic outcomes of the theme park idea.

kickassangel · 30/10/2010 15:50

personally, i would be fine with this. i see no problem with someone else driving my child, unless i had a specific reason to worry about their driving.

as others have said, children are often in situations with adults they don't know well, and in bigger ratios.

ideally, though, it is best to have 3 adults - one male, one female, one for emergencies. other than that, no problems.

maybe ask them all to wear the same colour top, so easier to spot if one starts to wander?

amothersplaceisinthewrong · 30/10/2010 15:55

I personally would have seen no problems with this - maybe one extra adult would be a good idea though. However, I remember on theme park party my dd went to at 12 where one Mother insisted on going too - wouldn't trust the party child's parents with the same ratio as you are having!!!! I thought THAT was madness!!

MaudOHara · 30/10/2010 15:55

Whenever I've helped out on school trips the ratio for this age group has been 1 adult allocated to a specific group of 3 children with the class teacher / TAs not allocated to children so they are free to step in and help out if there is a problem.

DD would've been fine in your scenario if it was a parent she knew well - but I wouldn't want to take other people's children for a day out as I don't know how they will be

SE13Mummy · 30/10/2010 16:00

I don't know Sundown at all but my almost 6-year-old DD is a pretty confident, sensible child so I'd probably be happy to let her go if I knew you fairly well and it was something along the lines of Fishers Farm Park down in Sussex.

I'd send her with a sticky label stuck to her back stating her first initial and surname plus your name and your contact number (she's used to it!) and I would expect her to sit in her own seat in the rear of your car. If that wasn't possible I'd offer to drive her/a couple of others too and pick up at the end. If I knew you well I'd probably ask if you had sufficient adults and offer to come along too if you wanted an extra one (a CRB-checked primary school teacher in factWink).

As you've changed your mind would it be possible for your DD to take one child to Sundown as a birthday treat and then have a series of 'play dates' i.e. a friend round to tea but with party rings and fary cakes (decorated by them, obviously) for pudding?

My DD's parties didn't start until she was 4 and even then it was a few friends coming over to play and to have lunch followed by pass the parcel and birthday cake.

KristinaM · 30/10/2010 16:13

Whne my DD was 8 she wanted to go to the theatre for her birthday. We invited 6 girls from her class and had one other mum coming with us. So 7 children in two cars. I know all the other children well

One mum said her child was too shy to come on her own, so she came instead of the other mum. In the middle of the show, she said her DD was tired and she upped and left, leaving me stranded with 7 children and one 6 seater car. We all had to wait til DH could come and collect the spare child, which took about an hour.

ChasingSquirrels · 30/10/2010 17:17
Shock