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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DSD abortion thread part II

946 replies

GivesHeadlessHorseman · 26/10/2010 21:05

carry on ladies....

OP posts:
piscesmoon · 27/10/2010 10:29

She is getting lots of help at the outset ScroobiousPip-Tess wouldn't be posting if she didn't care! I suspect she is posting because she knows that she is the only responsible person in the family and she will be the one to pick up the pieces-whether she likes it or not. She is taking the responsible view that she needs help now.

Even if she doesn't give the help at the outset I can see her giving it later on when the 'baby' gets past babyhood (something DSD isn't thinking ahead to).

You are talking as if a baby is a possession. When the 'baby' is older and having to deal with an immature needy mother he/she may well turn to Tess and it isn't up to a mother to dictate relationships for her DC (not beyond about 8yrs old).
Too many people have DCs and think it is all my, my, my-it will be a person not a possession.

SHRIIIEEEKPoolingBearBlood · 27/10/2010 10:29

:( I think this is enough now. All altinkum is trying to do is present another point of view, and I think she has a point.

GetOrfMoiLand · 27/10/2010 10:30

I agree with the ceasefire on the petty infighting - I like a pointless row as much as any mumsnetter, but don't think this is the time or place.

diddl · 27/10/2010 10:32

"and the possibility that DSD won't want them to be involved as GPs after receiving no support at the outset."

Or she may take all the support & then cut contact, or just disappear like her own mum has.

Tess probably will help, but surely the daughter needs to know that she should not have the baby only on the basis that she will get X amount of help, and that if she is not willing to be responsible then she should have an abortion or look into adoption.

Tootlesmummy · 27/10/2010 10:42

Echt I think that is downright rude and completely unwarranted. None of this helps Tess or her DSD.

echt · 27/10/2010 10:44

Clarity is always important, and this was what I was trying to point out.

It's not "petty infighting" or a "pointless row" - you only have to look at earlier parts of the the thread to see that unclear readings and writings lead to misunderstandings.

I happen to think that altinkum is talking bollocks, but would prefer to engage with arguments which are clear.

ScroobiousPip · 27/10/2010 10:44

I agree piscesmoon, a baby certainly isn't a possession. But you seem to be misconstruing my point - the origin was phipps' earlier post about her own difficult situation, which I don't think either of us should judge.

All I am trying to say (whether coherently or not) is that Tess needs to think about how she would feel in the mother's position there, if she did what phipps' mother did (ie tell DSD to leave home if she wants to keep the baby - something that has been discussed here as an option). That is, the decision to ask the DSD to leave (if that decision is made) should be taken in the light of the potential long term consequences, not just the immediate sleepless nights.

echt · 27/10/2010 10:46

Tootlesmummy what are you on about? Be precise. Please.

Discowife · 27/10/2010 10:48

I agree altinkum has as much right to her opinion as anyone else, (though I disagree greatly with her view on giving DH some slack) Abusing someone for their spelling is a bit pathetic. Especially after they have said they have dyslexia.

Tootlesmummy · 27/10/2010 10:50

What carp you're spouting about Altinkum and her posts and being clear etc. Grow up.

Tootlesmummy · 27/10/2010 10:50

That should have said CRAP

Discowife · 27/10/2010 10:51

You see we all make mistakes...

Litchick · 27/10/2010 10:53

Picking folk up on spelling, sentence structure etc is snobbery at its worst.

There are posters who are uneducated.
There are posters with LDs.
There are posters who do not spk english as a first language.
There are posters with disabilities that make typing difficult.

All these posters are welcome here.

CardyMow · 27/10/2010 10:54

I wonder how they are coping with the scan? I have to say, that for a 'normal' scan, it is unlikely that they will turn the screen away.

I can sort of understand that OP's DH is panicking and that is clouding what would be his normal, rational response, but I still feel that that is unfair on the OP, who is at the moment having to be the grown-u for her own DS's, be the grown-up with respect to her dsd, and even be the grown-up with regards to her DH. It's not what you expect to happen in a normal relationship.

I think some sort of family counselling would be a good idea, as maybe OP's dh will take more information in if he feels it is coming from someone impartial.

I can also imagine that the OP's dsd has not given a single thought to what happens 1/2/3 yrs down the line. I certainly didn't. And I certainly didn't imagine how difficult it would be to deal with a teenager when I'm only 29.

OP - You need to be making sure your dsd has some very good antenatal care if she decides to continue with the pregnancy, there are a lot of things that you have an increased risk of when you are under 18yo. If she is less than 12 weeks, she needs to be taking folic acid. She will need the triple test at about 16 weeks, as under 18yo's have a similar risk level of downs syndrome to a woman over 35. She needs regular checks on her blood pressure, as pregnant girls under 18yo are at higher risk of pre-eclampsia, and they are also at risk of premature delivery.

GiddyPickle · 27/10/2010 10:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SHRIIIEEEKPoolingBearBlood · 27/10/2010 10:55

Tess - is an abortion definitely out of the question now?

BitOfFunderthepatio · 27/10/2010 10:55

Yes- I wonder if anybody has pointed out the increased risk of a baby being born with potentially serious special needs due to her young age? Sad

GetOrfMoiLand · 27/10/2010 10:58

Christ, I never knew that young parents had a higher risk of special needs baby. Blimey as if there isn't enough to worry about Sad

Discowife · 27/10/2010 11:00

I agree DH is hoping that Tess will pick up the pieces when the baby gets here. I don't think her bowing out during the pregnancy is a good idea though it might maks DSD feel she isn't her mother (and really TESS is )

but big old BUT here... When the baby does come, be adamant you won't help. And if you have to leave then, you have to do what is best for you and your children at the end of the day. Just make sure DSD doesn't think you don't love her! Continue being her mum and doting (but distant) grandma. She will always be a part of your life because she is your son's big sister.

Discowife · 27/10/2010 11:02

I had no idea about young mothers being more likely to have children with special needs. I'd have assumed the oppisite to be honest! Blush

AddictedIsFeelingHappy · 27/10/2010 11:05

also does dsd know about all the options? It may sound really stupid but adoption isnt what it used to be there are diffrent levels eg letter box contact. She may be thinking of adoption as handing over her baby and never seeing it again where as in reality its not necesarily like that. Is there someone that can talk to her about what diffrent options entail (not that you cant but she may be more receptive to an outsider) also is there a young pregnancy group she can go along to, meet other pregnant people see what they are going through. It may mean she has to miss 1 morning/afternoon/day of school a week, but in the long run may be worth it if it helps to make a life changing decision easier.

TorturesInAHalfHell · 27/10/2010 11:06

GivesHeadless, I'm a bit confused that on the one hand, you're posting about a friend whose life was ruined by the harsh existence involved with being a young mum lacking support, and how she took that out on her daughter, and also referencing the bad outcomes for young girls without support and who lack the means to better themselves after early pregnancy...

...but you are also saying that you resent paying taxes to ensure that girls like this can continue in education after an early pregnancy? Surely that sort of government support isn't propping up their "childhood privileges" but trying to ensure that they won't be dependent on the system forever - which is what is more likely to happen if, as you advocate, they are forced to drop out of school.

It seems to me that government initiatives designed to support young mums through education is one of the most logical uses of taxpayer money out there, because it's constructive, and preventative.

echt · 27/10/2010 11:06

Litchick when a poster does not make sense, we do not have a ticklist of possible reasons, hence the the WTF and {confused] signs when we don't know what's going on.

The fact that this is a very serious thread means that clarity of expression and attention to meaning is important -see earlier posts where, posters disputed intended meanings.

GetOrfMoiLand · 27/10/2010 11:10

I think adoption is the most unrealistic and damaging option for this girl. And the most unlikely to happen.

Can you imagine the emotional upheaval of having a baby at that age and giving it up, especially when you have been abandoned by your own mother? I don't think that is a good idea at all.

CardyMow · 27/10/2010 11:10

My DD's birth was quite difficult, and brought on 5 weeks early due to pre-eclampsia that developed into full eclampsia, and my DD has residual SN's caused by this. NOT easy to deal with at 16yo. Sad.

I have been thinking about this all night.

I have come to the conclusion that OP's dsd does have some idea of the impact on everyone around her, and herself, as when OP and her dsd went out for the meal, the dsd did talk about getting a pt job, and also about having the baby in her room so that it wouldn't disturb her brothers.

Someone mentioned about the dsd being able to get Income support. NO. When I had DD, you couldn't get full IS even if you were running your own home - I BF my DD because I was only getting £27 a week, and had to ay £9 a week rent top-up. That £27 a week was made up of £17 a week child benefit, and £10 a week IS. OK the rules were different 13 yrs ago, and that was because I was under 18yo, they relaxed the rules to cover people from age 16yo could get full IS if they have a baby, but people under 16yo cannot. And also, if OP's DD gets child benefit for her baby, I have a feeling that the OP and her DH will no longer be able to claim child benefit in respect of the dsd. Which will also mean no entitlement to child tax credits. I may have this wrong, but I know that was the situation when I had my DD.