DSD abortion thread part II

[GivesHeadlessHorseman]

carry on ladies....

Givehead you said "Personally I think any allusion to the birth mother being unable to cope with her will just strengthen her belief that she must have been an unlovable difficult child and that er mother was incapable of unconditional love. And in turn it will strengthen her desire to put past wrongs right by unconditionally loving a child of her own"

Yes, that is exactly it I am afraid . The thing is I knew that having a baby at 17 was a bloody daft idea, but still carried on regardless. I suppose the urge comes from feeling so worthless, if you have a baby you have something therefore you can mould to love you, and it is something which will never reject you.

Yes utterly ludicrous and selfish but I can empathise with that totally, beacause (subconsciously) that is exactly how I felt.

Oh Tess, I'm sorry about how the conversation with your H went. It was never going to be easy. What I get from his side of the conversation is just pure panic- it's clear he doesn't know what to do for the best and is looking to you to sort everything out. Horrible what he said about your career though.

Just wanted to say that I hope the scan goes okay- I think not letting DSD look at the image is a good idea if she's still in early days (I had emergency scan at 8 weeks and though pic was blobby, it already had head, arm and leg buds. Definitely like a baby. I could never have aborted after that).

Stay strong, you're doing great.

Ah, than you Getorf I am going out into town today to order myself a pair of serious spectacles, (you know - the half moon ones) and start channelling my inner psycho-therapist.

She may also be very romantic about her birth mother. My Mum was effectively abandoned by her Dad when she was a baby (was her Mum's fault too, long story). She has always been quite soft on him - particularly as she had a very difficult relationship with her Mum (understatement). From my point of view, he was a very selfish person, but she struggles to see that.

It's much easier to think that if your other parent was here that they would do all the wonderful things that you are craving. Whereas the resident parent is the one that is here and real and "failing".

So it wouldn't surprise me if she is feeling harshly towards Tess because she is comparing her to the mythical birth mother that she has in her head. The one who really loves her. :(

Another problem for Tess of course is that even if the daughter takes on the responsibility, if she is living with them then everyone will probably get woken by the baby, the daughter can just answer the phone, have a shower, go to the toilet without thinking as there will be someone else to watch the baby.

She won´t get a true sense of what it´s really like.

Givehead - you also need a whole load of scarves and ethnic necklaces to go with the tilted head smile, for that authentic psychologist vibe.

I don't think the DH meant to put down tess career men think much more practical than women as far as he can see tess has time to do some childcare. (he is panicking) He has not thought about feelings yet just the practical side of things, he will come around and start thinking about everyone instead of madly running around.

I had a friedn in my teens who was told, aged 15, that her 'mum' was in fact her gran, and her sister (15 years older) was in fact her mother. The sister had since married and had two more daughters who she kept.

Within months of finding this out my freind was pregnant herslef. Obviously her Mum/Gran was much older and just had no appetite to go through it all again, and forced her to leave home. She lived in absolutely grotty accommadation, but I suppose at the time, to her it was all a big adventure.

Eventually it stopped being an adventure and started being a tough, miserable existence. She started a college course but left after two terms because she couldn't cope. Then when she was about 18 she got PG again, and had a very late abortion (traumatic) because she recognised it would just make her already quite shit life even more shit.

She was a very bright girl as well. But I used to stand and watch with horror and bewilderment as she's scream ans spit with rage inot her two year old DD face, and call her a fucking bitch and a cunt. That is what being poor, alone and depressed and desperate does to people.

But still all these young girls think it won't apply to them.

giveshead re your friend.

Thats is very sad indeed, I too grew up calling my gran mum and my mum sister. I found out when I was 7 that my mum was my gran.

Was all very confusing and unsettling, to say the least.

I left home when I was 16 and had dd at 17, and to be honest if I hadn't gone back to work when dd was 3 months, I would have probably gone off my rocker. Thank god everything worked out for me and dd. I do think though there but for the grace of god I go. I could have ended up being a complete and utter fuckup.

Sorry complete hijack

What an incredibly stressful situation Tess. Poor you. You are doing so well. And lets give her twonk of a dh, who is normally so fab, a break here too. He is panicking and not being helpful, thats all.
I have this terrible terrible feeling that Tess will end up doing too much.
Is the discussion of the possibility of abortion still off limits. It still is an option.
I am struggling to see a good solution here. and thats not good.
Take heart OP that you are doing a fab job in difficult circumstances.

colditz harsh but apt! i am imagining giant babies on the loose now demanding milk from passing women!

Just to say I think you are doing an amazing job Tess. I am so angry for her at biomum. How parents can abandon their children I don't know.

tess, i've read most of the threads, but not quite all of it, i know some people were talking about having dsd look after todlers for the day and seeing how she felt and coped after.

has anyone mentioned contacting your local mother and baby unit and asking them if dsd can go and talk to other teens in her situation? they may even have a doll she can borrow? or one of the mums in the unit may be willing to let her look after their baby for a few hours to see how it really is.

i think your doing an amazing job, i started reading these threads in horror thinking 'how can you want to force anyone in to having an abortion' but the more i read of your posts the more i realise that you abviously love dsd very much, you only want whats best for her and are willing to help her and support her what ever decision she makes. i think in years to come she will look back on this expearience (what ever decision she makes) and realise how much you do love her and how much of a 'real' mum you are to her.

i really hope your dh gets onside and you can all work things through as a family

Firstly I'd just like to wish Tess and the DSD the very best with todays scan

Secondly, just a thought but has the DSD thought about the actual pregnancy part? I know theres this image of cute pink baby at the end but 6 or 7 months (depending how far gone she is) of feeling lousy, knackered, morning sickness, possible SPD, swollen joints etc, all the really nice side effects, might just make her think a little harder. Most girls of 14 think bad period cramps are a disaster! and having to go to school, study etc at the same time

Just a quick aside but I'm really impressed with the great advice from people on this thread, and the willingness to share painful experiences to help the OP, who most will never have met. Hugs to all :)

I've followed this thread and have the utmost sympathy for the OP.

On the other hand - altinkum, please make an effort to write in cogent English. Your apologist comments about OP's DH are irritating enough, without having to plough through your..er...garbage.

'I think there is a risk for Tess that if DSD is forced to leave home to have the baby, she might find that the GP role is taken away from her. I'm not saying it's right - just that I can see a risk there, given the DSD's fears and feelings around rejection.

I think that this is the least of her worries quite honestly!
DSD badly needs help with all the feelings of rejection, and with the reality of the needs of babies.(Especially that they don't come programmed to love the mother!)
The whole family need help with dealing with it and whether or not Tess gets to be a grandmother is neither here not there!

I think Altinkum just likes the sound of her own keyboard

Getorf Not hijacking at all - I think it's incredibly relevant. These are all possible outcomes of having the baby that Tess and her DSD need to consider.

That's the ultimate dilemma though, isn't it? We all believe that for the greater good of the rest of the family, for Tess especially, and in order to make DSD take the responsibility seriously and not treat this like playing dollies until she's bored, she needs to be made to stand on her own two feet, and live independantly as soon as is practically possible.

On the other hand, we all know that sadly, statistically, the outcomes for the baby are much much worse in those situations. Lack of parental support and guidance for the new mum, and living in grotty basic state funded housing eeking out a small budget, is far more likely to lead to disadvantage and neglect for the baby, and depression for the mum, then staying in a safe supportive family home with experienced adults and a constant supply of food and heat and babysitting on tap. The authorities know this, and they are not going to be bending over backwards to help Tess get her life back by taking DSD off her hands!

Can we stop bickering please. It's not appropriate given the enormity of this problem for Tess and her DSD. Disagree with opinions, by all means, but stop the petty point scoring.

I disagree piscesmoon. This decision will affect all of their lives, for the rest of those lives. Thinking about that means considering carefully all the ramifications.

It's all very well to say that you don't/can't deal with another baby but babies don't stay babies forever. Tess does need to think about 5 or 10 or 20 years down the track when the baby is a child or adult - and the possibility that DSD won't want them to be involved as GPs after receiving no support at the outset.

may i just jump in and say, for Tess' sake please just keep to the subject, when she comes back here for help she may not have the time or energy to wade through pointless and unhelpful posts

I didn't think I was being being petty, headless

I'm aware of the situation, but really, altinkum IS hard to answer because he/she is incoherent, while at the same time taking a radically different line to other posters.

I'd like to take him/her on, but the piss-poor expression means we'd be here until Doomsday to get understanding.