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Original poster

DSD abortion thread part II

946 replies

GivesHeadlessHorseman · 26/10/2010 21:05

carry on ladies....

OP posts:
GreenStinkingStumpSleeves · 27/10/2010 17:47

"she has planned this"

"not the naive kid"

um, she is still 14 and still has no experience and no idea what she is letting herself in for!

even a 4yo can scheme and be deceitful. It doesn't mean she is not a child or that she doesn't need the same support.

sorry for you Tess, you are in an impossible position Sad

izzywizzywoowooo · 27/10/2010 17:48

diddl - She may have but there is obvious emotional reasons why no one just plans a baby espeically given the abandonment issues with her own mother.

I feel sorry for this girl she must of been feeling shitty to even plan this wouldn't she?

Tess Your OH needs to face facts and soon it isn't fair on you to be coping with this alone!

CheerfulYank · 27/10/2010 17:48

Oh, Tess darlin. Is there anything you need? Anything at all? Other than this not to be happening to you, obviously.

Well, I would just tell her and D H both, then, that "ok, this is happening. The both of you need to grow up and start thinking practically." Counselling is an excellent idea. Hopefully she'll reveal who the father is soon; he and his family need to be sharing this situation too. There is no reason it should all be down to the OP. If it were my son I'd be telling him to get ready for some sleepless nights as he would have the baby part time at least (if the mother were agreeable.)

JenaiMwahHaHaHaaaaah · 27/10/2010 17:49

Oh.

And what's the liklihood that she'd have been able, in an educated manner, to sift through the reams and reams of utter bullshit spewed all over the internet by people with a pro-life agenda?

She quite possibly saw the Silent Scream and its ilk.

To be fair on your dsd Tess, I think a 14yo would be very, very susceptible to that kind of manipulation. Goodness knows enough fully grown adults are.

In a way she didn't really stand a chance :(

diddl · 27/10/2010 17:49

Who ever really knows of what they are letting themselves in for the first time they get pregnant?

izzywizzywoowooo · 27/10/2010 17:49

Tess - It doesn't seem stupid to come on here at all! You are in a very hard place right now!

tyler80 · 27/10/2010 17:49

If the daughter had already been googling abortions like she says then the conversation with the sonographer could have been something like "Is it true that they insert a knife and cut up the baby and pull it out?" And the answer could have been no, they use forceps to remove the foetal material.

fanjolina · 27/10/2010 17:50

Tess, you have been so measured so far. But as you have just been made aware - she is taking the piss. Big time.

I really hope your DH is more of a man tonight. You have having to shoulder far more of this burden than is fair - and it looks like that inequality will continue when/if the baby arrives.

I suggest you and the boys get away together over the weekend, leaving your DH and DSD to have some time together jointly facing up to their responsibilities.

GreenStinkingStumpSleeves · 27/10/2010 17:50

you don't think being a 14yo child makes any difference then?

LOL at how she has gone in diddl's mind from scared child to femme fatale in the space of 5 minutes

she's 14! she doesn't have a clue what any of adult life is like, never mind having a baby!

weblette · 27/10/2010 17:51

I think what little trust you had in her following the initial disclosure has probably gone straight out the window now Tess.

TheProfiteroleThief · 27/10/2010 17:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

tinierclanger · 27/10/2010 17:51

I think this is what I meant by her feeling safer giving information gradually. It doesn't necessarily mean cool calculated behaviour.

MadBanners · 27/10/2010 17:51

ahh...x-posted.

She sounds like she knows a fair bit more about it all than she first let on.

WildhoodChunder · 27/10/2010 17:51

Tess, re finding out who the father is, and possibly helping DSD start taking responsibility, could you explain to her that the father's medical history will have a bearing on her baby? That it is important for the child to know if there is a history of e.g. breast cancer in the family so that she/he can then have chance to have the right diagnostic/preventative tests etc? Maybe not try and force an answer out of her there and then but just explain that to her, tell her to think about it, and think about what is in the best interests of her baby? Perhaps tell her that as the mother of the child it will be totally dependent on her to make the best decisions for it - and those decisions start now - and you hope that when she's thought about it she can see that it is for the baby's own good that the father is known.

She sounds so young, it's such a horrible situation for you all but you seem to be dealing with it amazingly well, Tess. I wonder whether you could start gently pushing more responsibility onto her to prepare the way a bit - e.g. as a starting point, could you make her ring up to make appointments, rather than relying on you to do it? Given how far along she is, perhaps have a chat with her about diet, and whether she wants to take pregnancy supplements?

diddl · 27/10/2010 17:52

Where have I said she´s a femme fatale?

It seems to me that she has been sly enough to plan this.

If I´m wrong I apologise.

izzywizzywoowooo · 27/10/2010 17:53

I agree DIDl IT IS WRONG TO OBV THIS BUT I THINK THERE ARE SERIOUS REASONS BEHIND IT WHICH MAKES IT QUITE SAD REALLY...

izzywizzywoowooo · 27/10/2010 17:53

Argh sorry for shouting! Dam caplocks!

WildhoodChunder · 27/10/2010 17:54

Just seen the latest update. In which case, if she's looked up the 3 month timescale, has she been taking folic acid during the first 12 weeks? Wasn't going to mention that as it could be a bit guilt-trippy for her if she hasn't, but perhaps that's not a bad thing... How 'clued up' is she, in reality?

VivaLeBeaver · 27/10/2010 17:54

Tess - first of all I'm sorry you and your DSD are going through this.

I wanted to say that I don't think an amnio is the only option for a Downs test at this point. It is the only test that would give a definitive yes/no answer but your DSD could also have a blood test (triple test) to give her a risk. So she'd get a figure like 1 in 5000 or 1 in 12000. She can then decide if she thinks the risk is low enough for her not to have the amnio or vice versa. But I think this blood test can only be done up to something like 16+3. So it will need doing asap.

Also I've been on a teenage pregnancy course today as I'm about to start working with pregnant teenagers. One thing that was mentioned is that there is something called a "care to learn" grant that will pay childcare costs so that the teenager can go back to school.

I'm going to be running something called a Young Expectant Parents' course - its equivilent to a GCSE but subject matter is pregnancy, labour and newborn care. Ask if there is something like this in your area.

Also this link is to a teenage pregnancy forum, your DSD may find some support/friendship here from others in a similar situation. She's likely to become isolated from her current peers and this could help.

www.babyandbump.com/teen-pregnancy/

If there's anything specific you want to know then PM me and if I can help I will. I'm back on the course tomorrow and could always ask one of the trainers there stuff, they've been working with pregnant teenagers for years and have loads of experience.

MadBanners · 27/10/2010 17:55

tinierclanger - yes, i agree with you there. She is still a frightened 14 year old, not matter that she knew how far she was, or had been looking for information (and lord only knows what information she managed to find for herself Sad

by letting information out in little drabs here and there...she is possibly hoping to stop the situation and your reactions from getting too much for her, for want of a better way to put it.

electra · 27/10/2010 17:55

I agree with Greensleeves.

Lougle · 27/10/2010 17:57

Can someone please link to the statistics that show a teenager is more at risk of having a child with SN?

I don't mean SN that arise out of birth complications, but SN as in genetic abnormalities that would show on an amniocentesis?

I am struggling with the prevailing thought that the DSD must have an amnio, and Tess must insist on her having an amnio, as I haven't seen any statistics that indicate that a teenager is at increased risk of any condition that an amnio would pick up.

The only skew I have seen is that some Downs' syndrome statistics have been pushed into the lower age ranges because the majority of the older mothers who have amnios abort, so the result is that the lower age ranges skew upwards because there are more births of pre-natally undiagnosed babies with Downs syndrome.

But I am content to be corrected.

lucky1979 · 27/10/2010 17:59

Are you 100% that the sonographer said that? Without knowing your DSD I have no idea if this is totally unfair, but is it possible that she already knew the information about the abortion (she's already had a private chat with the GP where she probably told him that she was further along), asked the sonographer if she would have to have a medical abortion, the sonographer said yes, and then when talking to you DSD has added all the information to convince you that she cannot have an abortion to make sure you don't push her anymore about it?

VivaLeBeaver · 27/10/2010 17:59

www.ds-health.com/risk.htm

Haliborange · 27/10/2010 17:59

Exactly, MadBanners. She's scared. She probably didn't let on about how far along she was because she didn't want to confess to lying for so long. Once she'd had a scan there was no reason to keep quiet any more.

She's a child making emotional, childish decisions, because she has never had control over anything important before. It's a bloody steep learning curve.