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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU or are my in-laws?

138 replies

BluePhone · 25/10/2010 18:26

My in-laws have a house with several bedrooms. We are due to go there for Christmas this year.

SIL and BIL are going too, with their 3 children. We have 2 children, a son, who will be sharing rooms with SIL 2 eldest, and a daughter, aged 1.

The gripe I have is thus. The inlaws want us to share our room (a double room with a double bed, and not a lot of room for anything else, but room for a cot) with our 1 year old daughter.

This would be fine if they didn't have a spare room to put her in, but they do. They have a spare room with a single bed, and room for a travel cot, and they will not agree to let us use it.

They have come up with some fairly weak excuses as to why we cannot use it, like "oh its too near the bathroom" etc etc. There is no solid, decent reason why we can't use the room. We went round and round in circles with them last time and they kept evading us.

The reason we dont want to share a room with our 1 year old is that she is a noisy sleeper and easily destracted. We are likely to wake her, and she us. If we are awake, we are both awake, and she just sleeps a lot better in a room of her own.

I would not expect them to magic up a room that doesn't exist, but as there is one, I am miffed at them not allowing us to use it.

I am willing to "try" 1 night of sharing with her to see how it goes. But if it goes badly, is it worth really pushing the issue of putting her in the spare room so we can get decent sleep over what is the last few days of annual leave my DH has and the first decent break away we have had this year since May? Assuming nobody is using the room?

Do you think its worth making an issue of, or having 5 nights of terrible sleep when there is a perfectly good room there that could be used?

OP posts:
Tee2072 · 25/10/2010 18:29

Is it possible that they don't want you to use the room because one of your inlaws will be using the room but they don't want you to know that they don't share a room?

That's the only reason I can think why a perfectly good room would go empty.

What does your DH say about this?

BluePhone · 25/10/2010 18:31

No, they definitely sleep together in their room. We see them in there, they go to bed early (about 9pm), the bed is unslept in.

DH agrees that the room should be ours to use if nobody else is in it, however, is fairly bad at really pushing an issue with them. He has raised it happily enough with me, but would happily let it slide, I feel, until such a time as our sleep is compromised, in which case he would probably moan at me and behind their back but not confront them as he doesn't want to stress them out.

That is a fairly separate issue in my mind - I am happy to confront them myself if needs be. But I do wish he would stand up to them a bit more.

OP posts:
GeekOfTheWeek · 25/10/2010 18:31

I think it's very bizarre.

Have you asked them outright why not?

minipie · 25/10/2010 18:33

Is the spare room next to theirs and they don't want to be disturbed by DD's noisy sleeping/waking up in the night?

(older people are often v light sleepers)

taintedpaint · 25/10/2010 18:34

I'd push the issue with them tbh. If your DD is that bad a sleeper, it's not just a niggle is it? It's a genuine problem and YANBU.

Are they judgemental of your parenting in general? Do they believe you should be sharing with your DD? Or could it be that they are expecting another guest and want it to be a surprise? I don't know tbh, just trying to think of reasons why they might be weird about the phone.

Are you sure they don't sleep in separate rooms and one of them might sneak off to the room after dark?

scottishmummy · 25/10/2010 18:34

you cant compel them to give you the room.i dont understand why they'd knowingly make guests feel uncomfortable.are they v private people

i do sympathise,but have to weigh up the potential bad feeling vs decent sleep.no easy answer,depends on their ability to compromise

taintedpaint · 25/10/2010 18:35

Slight cross with Tee!

Rhinestone · 25/10/2010 18:35

Seems very odd. Ask them outright and say that you are considering not staying as long.

doughnutty · 25/10/2010 18:36

I do understand where you're coming from. My DS definitely sleeps better in his own room. However, it is their house and 'under their roof - their rules'?

Maybe they will be using the room for other things/storage/anotherguest you don't know about (Santa???? Grin). Maybe they sleep separately but don't want to tell you that.

Difficult. If you haven't been explicit about how bad a sleeper your DD is it might be worth mentioning it again. However, if they've point blank said no and you want to go you'll just have to suck it up. Maybe stay a day or 2 less.

Not worth a row IMO.

taintedpaint · 25/10/2010 18:37

Phone?! What the hell am I on about? I meant the room lol.

ForMashGetSmash · 25/10/2010 18:37

They may have good reason which they wont share...it seems very odd...Hmm is there something hidden in there? Could there be a skeleton in the closet? Shock

booooooooooyhoo · 25/10/2010 18:37

are they trying to make a point? do they think you are being too precious about your sleep (i don't think you are btw, just trying to guess what they're at) or do they think your DD should still be in your room with you? or or your BIL and SIL sharing with one of their dc and PIL don't want them to get jealous that you have a room to yourselves?

mapoftheworld · 25/10/2010 18:38

I'd offer to sleep in that room yourself.
Say something like 'we understand that you'd rather not ahve DD in that room as it may disturb you and you dont feel happy having her near the bathroom but would it be ok if one of us used it instead - we will take turns to sleep in there as we will really get no sleep at all sharing with DD and this way we will each get a full nights sleep every other night'

That should make her realise how bizarre her refusal to let DD use the room is and then you can use it however you want!

Alternatively, when they are in bed at 9pm, move DDs cot into the spare room and in the morning explain to them that you were not getting a wink of sleep and had to move her in the night. Then leave her travel cot there for the next 4 nights.

GeekOfTheWeek · 25/10/2010 18:38

Maybe it's haunted.

ForMashGetSmash · 25/10/2010 18:40

I thought that Geek! Didn't want to say it though Grin My Mum has a "weird" room...nobody goes near it through choice! Not seen anything mind...its just a bit...brrrr!

HeadlessLadyBiscuit · 25/10/2010 18:40

Is your DD a good sleeper or does she wake a lot and you have to go and see her and quieten her down? Or have they had terrible experiences with other babies waking up yelling?

That's the only reason I can think of - that they think it's a choice of either you having a disturbed night or the whole house (is the single room near your double?)

Blondeshavemorefun · 25/10/2010 18:41

how weird and silly

why on earth wont in laws let you put a travel cot in that spare room [hhmm]

think your dh needs to grow some balls and have it out with them

or you are in for 5 days of hell as will be grumpy

GeekOfTheWeek · 25/10/2010 18:41

Maybe it's full of s&m kinky stuff Shock

a gimp mask under the pillow and chains on the walls, a camcorder and a ball gag maybe?

lifeinagoldfishbowl · 25/10/2010 18:41

Agree with doughnutty - it's their home and tbh whether the room is going to be empty or not they don't want dgd in there so that should be the end of it.

In the same way you wouldn't say they have a car in the garage they don't use I wonder why they won't let us drive it.

WitchyFlisspaps · 25/10/2010 18:41

I'd set the travel cot up in the spare room and put DD in it, then they'll either tell you the reason or they'll say nothing and let you get on with it, either way you'll get some sleep.

Alternatively set the travel cot up in the big room and you and DH can snuggle up in the single bed [hwink]

IAPJJLPJ · 25/10/2010 18:42

Have you the option of not going??

Rhinestone · 25/10/2010 18:44

But surely they should at least explain why DGD can't use it?

OP, do they have a history of being controlling over bizarre things?

deaddei · 25/10/2010 18:46

I would stay ay home.
Too much hassle.

Bobonie · 25/10/2010 18:47

Just tell your in law that you will not be staying for more than two nights if they won,t let you use the emply room.

TandB · 25/10/2010 18:52

I would just put her in there and breezily announce the next morning "oh we had to put her in there because we were disturbing her - but that isn't a problem is it?" and see what they say.

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