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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU or are my in-laws?

138 replies

BluePhone · 25/10/2010 18:26

My in-laws have a house with several bedrooms. We are due to go there for Christmas this year.

SIL and BIL are going too, with their 3 children. We have 2 children, a son, who will be sharing rooms with SIL 2 eldest, and a daughter, aged 1.

The gripe I have is thus. The inlaws want us to share our room (a double room with a double bed, and not a lot of room for anything else, but room for a cot) with our 1 year old daughter.

This would be fine if they didn't have a spare room to put her in, but they do. They have a spare room with a single bed, and room for a travel cot, and they will not agree to let us use it.

They have come up with some fairly weak excuses as to why we cannot use it, like "oh its too near the bathroom" etc etc. There is no solid, decent reason why we can't use the room. We went round and round in circles with them last time and they kept evading us.

The reason we dont want to share a room with our 1 year old is that she is a noisy sleeper and easily destracted. We are likely to wake her, and she us. If we are awake, we are both awake, and she just sleeps a lot better in a room of her own.

I would not expect them to magic up a room that doesn't exist, but as there is one, I am miffed at them not allowing us to use it.

I am willing to "try" 1 night of sharing with her to see how it goes. But if it goes badly, is it worth really pushing the issue of putting her in the spare room so we can get decent sleep over what is the last few days of annual leave my DH has and the first decent break away we have had this year since May? Assuming nobody is using the room?

Do you think its worth making an issue of, or having 5 nights of terrible sleep when there is a perfectly good room there that could be used?

OP posts:
PigeonPair · 25/10/2010 20:54

My first thought was bet it's haunted!!

rookiemater · 25/10/2010 20:54

YANBU, we shared a room when DS was just under 1 at a friends house with curtains so thin they were practically not there. Oh and I had returned to work the week before but it was DH's birthday so we were away for his treat. I had next to no sleep, DS woke up every time we stirred and thought it was playtime at 1.00 am in the morning.
I find it hard to cope with lack of sleep and I'm sure appeared as a grumpy cow to DH's multitude of friends that we spent the next day with.

You know what your DD is like and like you I think it is absurd that a room sits empty when it appears to be the perfect solution.

I don't think it is unreasonable that you do not stay for more than a couple of nights if it doesn't work out.Any chance you can come home and leave your DH to it ?

bendybanana · 25/10/2010 20:56

Ring and talk to them yourself. Just say that you might only stay for two nights to limit sleep loss - as it's impossible to sleep with DD in same room and you really need a quality break.

wayoftheworld · 25/10/2010 21:02

Love this topic: Grin

We had to suggest to MIL to have our eldest DC in her room ( it is just her!!) to save 5 of us sleeping together in one room!!! After all we were invited to go over and it was not for one night....while the other bedroom was empty in off chance that BIL might show up!! No one would call and check with him!!

Yeap!! Its frustrating and it does not get easier- unless you start pulling away and begin to celebrate your own Christmas (bliss)

hatwoman · 25/10/2010 21:05

is it something as silly as their percieved need to dust/hoover/tidy the room? even though a baby in a cot isn;t going to give a stuff about such things. some older people do just get stressed about such things and if, in their mind, that room has become a bit of a store room, or they don;t have decent bed linen for it (even though baby wouldn't be in the bed!) turning it into a useable (in their eyes) bedroom may be an extra layer of stress they can't handle.

I'd make sure they know the score and that you may go home early if you really aren;t getting sleep.

(we have friends who, similarly, found sleeping in the same room hard...they used to squeeze their travel cot into the tiny little en-suite. wonder what your in-laws would make of that!)

MadamDeathstare · 25/10/2010 21:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BluePhone · 25/10/2010 21:08

DD has always slept well in any room on her own with the door closed and the curtains closed. DH went there recently with DS and DD, but not me, and he was allowed to have her in this very room, and she slept 13 hours every night.

(Not trying to be AIBU by stealth by the way, that was last July and that's what happened)

I think what I am slightly worried about is we go, she sleeps bad, we try one more night, I say, right, we are going, he says, oh just try one more night, or they convince him by saying "but its only 2 more nights" or "3 more nights" or something and nothing changes, nothing gets done, we all suffer, drive back which takes 12 hours and collapse in a sleep deprived, virus ridden heap on 28th or 29th ish just to see in the new year half dead and zombie like!

It will all get twisted around to me being a demanding diva when really all I want is 6-7 hours of reasonable sleep.

None of it would be such an issue if they genuinely didn't have room - we could have arranged alternative accomodation, or just arranged to have seen them once others had gone, etc, or in our own home, we could have jigged it somehow. The issue is they have a room that we are not allowed to use for some reason or other, and are expected to suck it up, which is inhospitable at best, and nuthouse at worse.

OP posts:
Emo76 · 25/10/2010 21:09

What are they hiding in that room....?!

BluePhone · 25/10/2010 21:11

Nothing Emo - its a room with a single bed and a lamp. There's no wardrobe or cupboard or anything, and the bed is futonish, so there's nothing under it. There is nothing there! I've been in there when my son slept in it before I had DD.

OP posts:
FakePlasticTrees · 25/10/2010 21:11

you are going to have to find an excuse to slip away and go rummaging round that room to see what they are hiding.

BluePhone · 25/10/2010 21:12

Its got well dogey wallpaper though.

OP posts:
mw27pink · 25/10/2010 21:13

...family hairlooms...silverwear...Grin

BluePhone · 25/10/2010 21:16

MIL's catalogue of pre-war porn

GAH Confused

OP posts:
Mapley · 25/10/2010 21:17

I think that some patents never lose the habit of having to treat their children completely fairly. Must be a one to break after years and years of making sure that brothers get indentical stuff to prevent them arguing. I imagine that making sure your husband has an indentical amount of space to his brother, in order to be fair, is where they are coming from.

Why don't you speak to your BIL and his wife and see what they think? If they've no quarrel with you having whatever amount if space is practical for your family, then maybe approach your PIL together, saying you understand that they are oy trying to be fair, but you're all adults and you all understand each other's needs and only want the best solution so everyone can enjoy a restful Christmas.

I'd advise against your solution. It'll give you a rubbish Christmas, tired, passive agressive, resentful and childish, leaving early and upsetting the rest of the family. Doesn't sound very festive.I think it's far more grown up to sort it out before you go. It'll fester and bother you if not.

rookiemater · 25/10/2010 21:18

So why on earth is your DD allowed to sleep in that room when you are not there ? Your ILs are being bizarre and you need to call them up on it.

QuickLookBusy · 25/10/2010 21:18

So DD has been allowed to sleep in this room before? Then they are BVU!!

I would talk with DH now, and tell him that if DD does not sleep well with you, then you are going home after 2 nights. No ifs no buts!!

He then knows you are not up for any discussion whilst at inlaws.

Horton · 25/10/2010 21:23

This sounds nuts. If she's been allowed to sleep there before then why on earth not this time?

BTW, I've had this the other way round. We co-slept for ages because it was the only way to get any proper amount of sleep and I was told that DD would have to go into a cot in her own room at PILs. I put my foot down and said that if that happened, nobody in the house would get any sleep and DD and I would not be staying the night because it would simply be too stressful for her. She slept in our bed.

JustAHunch · 25/10/2010 21:24

Could it be they don't want you and your DH to be able to have sex in their house, by putting you in a room with your DD?

BluePhone · 25/10/2010 21:27

"I'd advise against your solution. It'll give you a rubbish Christmas, tired, passive agressive, resentful and childish, leaving early and upsetting the rest of the family. Doesn't sound very festive.I think it's far more grown up to sort it out before you go. It'll fester and bother you if not"

That's kind of what I'm trying to do, but they are very much (as is DH) of the "lets see what happens" school of thought. Which is fine, but one night will no doubt lead to 3 which will lead to 5 and there will be no solution, and it will be time to go home.

I am keen to just bagsy that room for her now, or shorten our visit now, so expectations are managed.

There will be nothing passive agressive about it - I'm going for full on agression. Haha, only kiddng - I will be open, honest, reasonable, looking everyone in the eye, smiling, soft tone, direct questions, coming to them with solutions not problems, etc etc. Its a very straightfoward scenario, with a straightfoward answer, in my opinion, and I have been reassured that it is a reasonable request. Request, not demand. If they were reasonable enough to just simply give me an answer of sorts why she couldn't sleep there, that would do, but I suspect it makes them sound unreasonable to say "because we want to see you suffer, you whore" which is I suspect what they are thinking Wink

OP posts:
BluePhone · 25/10/2010 21:29

"Could it be they don't want you and your DH to be able to have sex in their house, by putting you in a room with your DD"

Hahaha I doubt it.

Though if he doesn't stand up to his parents, he'll be lucky if he ever has sex again Wink Grin

OP posts:
GeekOfTheWeek · 25/10/2010 21:44

I wonder if they have done it up as an adult nursery for fil Shock

Complete with extra large nappies

traceybath · 25/10/2010 21:46

ROFL at Geek.

zam72 · 25/10/2010 21:58

Any possibility that BIL and SIL are having marital problems and the parents are trying to be discreet?

Otherwise...think its pretty U of them. Just a bit bizarre. It'll end up being you being the one in the wrong eventually just because they're not being open about it to start with. I'd talk to them personally now - and ask outright - nicely, just saying maybe you don't think you can cope with 5 nights in a room together -it might work, but might not - and if it doesn't you might plan to go home early or move to a hotel. Not in an ultimatum type way at all - just trying to be open about it. If you don't sort it out now it will be you dreading it and it with the potential for bad feeling for ages. If you know their reasoning then at least you can say 'fair enough' or not.

Or I'd consider a hotel instead - more costly but also quite a retreat from family gatherings too maybe!!!

BluePhone · 25/10/2010 22:07

This is the trouble Zam...whichever way you say it or do it, it sounds either ultimatumy, or passive agressive reactionary.

It will take careful announcing if we do go early, and for that reason I can't help thinking its better to get to the bottom of it now and if its a definite no under no circumstances does she or you sleep in there then I'd rather just manage their expectations now.

Unfortunately a hotel is out the question because it would involve, surprise surprise, sleeping in a room with DD (unless we get a massive suite or something! Doesn't exist in the rural part we are going to) so its not really a viable option. If we had loads of extra planning time we might have been able to find a holiday cottage I suppose.

I'd rather suggest we just visited AFTER Xmas in which case they really would look petty if they made us share a room with 6 bedrooms and 4 of them free! Actually technically 7 bedrooms Hmm

OP posts:
zipzap · 25/10/2010 22:12

Pack a pair of ear plugs for you. And the numbers of local hotels - try the first night, if it doesn't work and you get no sleep, book yourself into a local b&b or travel lodge or similar...

Also - second day there after first night of bad sleep (if it comes to that) - make sure that you declare when you come downstairs that you have had a rubbish night's sleep and that you are feeling wretched. And that you will be going back upstairs by yourself at some point later on for a good long nap in order to catch up with sleep so you feel relatively human again and so that you are safe. If this corresponds to a time when they are expecting you to pitch in and help cook xmas dinner or look after all the kids or go on a long walk that you don't want to then so much the better - after all you are not going to be safe to look after them or cook or whatever if you haven't had any sleep Grin

Your dh in the mean time can look after your dc as he is the one that is happy not to talk to his parents but instead keep your dd in your room.

Likewise, if it all gets too much make sure you go off to the b&b or hotel by yourself to get a good night's sleep - same reason as above to leave dh behind with dd...

And remember to point out that you will need to do this for every night that you get a bad night's sleep Grin as there is no way that you will be safe to drive further than the end of the street (and certainly not 7+ hours home) at the end of your stay.