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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU or are my in-laws?

138 replies

BluePhone · 25/10/2010 18:26

My in-laws have a house with several bedrooms. We are due to go there for Christmas this year.

SIL and BIL are going too, with their 3 children. We have 2 children, a son, who will be sharing rooms with SIL 2 eldest, and a daughter, aged 1.

The gripe I have is thus. The inlaws want us to share our room (a double room with a double bed, and not a lot of room for anything else, but room for a cot) with our 1 year old daughter.

This would be fine if they didn't have a spare room to put her in, but they do. They have a spare room with a single bed, and room for a travel cot, and they will not agree to let us use it.

They have come up with some fairly weak excuses as to why we cannot use it, like "oh its too near the bathroom" etc etc. There is no solid, decent reason why we can't use the room. We went round and round in circles with them last time and they kept evading us.

The reason we dont want to share a room with our 1 year old is that she is a noisy sleeper and easily destracted. We are likely to wake her, and she us. If we are awake, we are both awake, and she just sleeps a lot better in a room of her own.

I would not expect them to magic up a room that doesn't exist, but as there is one, I am miffed at them not allowing us to use it.

I am willing to "try" 1 night of sharing with her to see how it goes. But if it goes badly, is it worth really pushing the issue of putting her in the spare room so we can get decent sleep over what is the last few days of annual leave my DH has and the first decent break away we have had this year since May? Assuming nobody is using the room?

Do you think its worth making an issue of, or having 5 nights of terrible sleep when there is a perfectly good room there that could be used?

OP posts:
GoreRenewed · 25/10/2010 22:12

"but I suspect it makes them sound unreasonable to say "because we want to see you suffer, you whore" which is I suspect what they are thinking "

Fuck me if that is what you think of them why on earth are you going? Shock

It seems such a lot of hassle if you can't sleep in the same room as your DD. When we had babies it was so easy - they just slept in with us. Going away is always going to be a nightmare.

zam72 · 25/10/2010 22:14

Aahh....yes, hotel would be cutting off nose to spite face wouldn't it?!

Seems so strange! Think you're definitely right about sorting it out now clearly. It is there house, their rules. But its your Xmas as well and gah...I'd have really struggled with either of my snuffling little piglets (in the most loving way, of course!) at a year old in the room with me if there was another potential option. If it was just that they might want to sleep in there (I do this with Darth Vader breathing DH) then that'd be fair enough really - but a just blank no - I'd be Hmm and not plan to stay long either.

zam72 · 25/10/2010 22:16

not 'there'...'their' obviously. V poor spelling Blush!

ivykaty44 · 25/10/2010 22:23

Do they like to air the beds and not want to have to air all the beds in each bedroom? grasping at strwas, but my nmum allways went around all the beds with the electric blanket and put on the beds for a couple of nights each as they hadn't been slept in for a while...?

Does the MIL find it all a lot of work?

DinahRod · 25/10/2010 22:37

Be plain speaking

5 nights with dd in the room is not conducive to a good night's sleep, so will be cutting our visit short this year.

Tell dh the same, plus he'll get no Yuletide sex

thecaptaincrocfamily · 25/10/2010 22:52

YANBU! I had similar issues with my parents when dd1 was 2 and dd2 was 6 weeks in that they insisted we all slept in the spare room. DD2 was a noisy sleeper and waking in the night so dd1 would wake up. After 4 nights with no sleep and them sleeping thoroughly well I blew my lid at my mother! I told them if I was going to stay another day dd1 had to sleep with them! Grin That is now always the norm even when DH is with us.

2rebecca · 25/10/2010 23:17

Agree they can refuse to let you have the room, but you can also refuse to stay for long if you think you won't get much sleep.

My kids were both very noisy sleepers and had their own rooms very early as they'd wake up if sharing a room with us.

If visiting relatives I'd enquire about sleeping arrangements (as none of us live in mansions), and if in same room as small sprog would stay for shorter duration than if sprog in seperate room (or in room with another small sprog who also goes to bed early and doesn't wake during night, they were fine sharing a room with young cousins)

2rebecca · 25/10/2010 23:19

I must admit if any relative had a spare room and wouldn't let anyone sleep in it they would be interrogated a bit about it and made to realise how unreasonable they were being if they wanted their guests to have a pleasant stay. Thankfully all relatives sensible and accommodating.

cumfy · 26/10/2010 00:16

Is there a pattern ?

In the room:
You slept with DS

DH slept with DD

Also, BIL/SIL co-sleep

Do MILFIL just want there darling precious grand-daughter to not be left alone ?

Solution?: One of you sleep with DD

cumfy · 26/10/2010 00:27

Another interpretation could be, MIL/FIL have developed some med condition which involves frequent bathroom visits. So if it "flares up" the afflicted party might want to use the room that is nearest to the bathroom.

Prostate problems are pretty common for instance.

newwave · 26/10/2010 00:38

Do go there and tell them why your not going and dont go even if they allow you to use the room.

mapoftheworld · 26/10/2010 09:12

I'd deal with DH first off and leave the ball in his court.
Tell HIM that unless this is cleared up BEFORE you go, then you will be sleeping alone in the spare room (take speare bedding if you need to, to save MIL washing etc) and he will sleep with DD. OR you will stay in hotel for couple of nights... or even could you sleep in with DS for a few nights?
If DH is happpy to deal with DD all night for 5 nights rather than question this with his mother then thats his call...

BluePhone · 26/10/2010 09:18

Cumfy, they have an ensuite.

To be honest I dont really care why they may or may not be letting us use the room - the fact is, they are not, and they are not willing to tell us why, or even be polite enough to make an excuse.

When I mentioned the lack of sleep (backed up by DH) they said "oh well its only a couple of nights". I said - you're right - it will be if its bad. They gave DH a conspirital look.

I later said to DH, so, we are only staying a couple of nights then? Fine. He kicked up and said he wanted to stay 5 nights and play golf etc and go to the pub.

Basically, my requirement is reasonable sleep, particularly if he's going to bugger off for the day playing golf or bugger off to the pub in the evening. His requirement is to do those things. He either secures a good night's sleep for me one way or the other, or I go back on Boxing day, with or without him. End of. My requirements are fairly simple - they can pull together and think of me a bit in all this too or they can go hang!

If we arrive and she sleeps well enough and quietly enough for me to scrape 6 or 7 hours then i will suck it up.

But someone mentioned "why do you go" etc - well, I go along with their bullshit because its the parents of my husband and he loves them. I would like him to be a little less tolerant of the games they like to play with non-blood-relatives - they do things to BIL as well - but they are often subtle and a lot of the verbal stuff happens when he is out the room.

We have cut down MASSIVELY on the amount of times we see them and spend with them since we got married 10 years ago. There are several more distant relatives who will not set foot in their door and haven't for many years. MIL's brother's wife will not have a bar of her. They haven't seen her for years. MIL's MIL (DH's paternal grandmother) gets invited every year but politely declines. She hasn't seen her brother for more than a quick cup of tea for about a decade. She is cold, hostile, and shrewish.

I'd like to start culling the Christmas visit there - I might try to do it on the basis of a full house but agree to go after Christmas. I love the idea of having Christmas at our house on our own. I dont mind them coming to that as I am hosting and in charge of sleeping arrangements etc.

But I am starting to feel I've been pretty patient with them and their (particularly MIL's) hostility and game playing is irritating the hell out of me and ruining Christmas. I have children of my own now who are quite fun and old enough to enjoy Christmas and its time we started enjoying it on our own terms and making our own traditions without petty family politics spoiling it for everyone.

OP posts:
ScroobiousPip · 26/10/2010 09:40

Well, I think you're being incredibly patient, BluePhone. It doesn't seem U to put your foot down and ask your DH to either source your DD another room or expect Xmas at home this year.

But then I am a stroppy cow who hates being sleep-deprived. Wink

clam · 26/10/2010 09:41

YANBU.
Although, take care if you're planning on a 7 hour drive home without DH after 2 nights of no sleep.

wayoftheworld · 26/10/2010 11:31

What is terrible about this situation is that whatever you put up or not this time will be remembered in future:

If you throw up a fuss over the room, you will be DIL from hell.

If they dont give you the room, they will be the IL from Hell.

If you dont say anything and be quiet, you will be living in Hell while at your in laws - and than drive home furiated.

And yet you can not get out of this arrangment because is family.

I have not idea how you could handle this situation without hurting smb.

I have tried to be kind, polite and accomodating with my MIL. Currently am in a "Sod off" mode Grin.See if this one works better!!

cumfy · 26/10/2010 13:12

Not really just about the room then!

Doesn't sound like you want to spend 5 hours with them let alone 5 days, completely irrespective of the room arrangements.

Feel you're way better off getting this off your chest with DH, rather than trying to latch on to the convenient excuse of the room.

mw27pink · 26/10/2010 16:48

...assuming your lovely DH will listen and choose to be in your team Hmm.

Appletrees · 26/10/2010 18:55

I am back to say, you are basically doing them a mahooooooosive favour by driving for seven hours to see them. I mean, you are being beyond generous with your precious family time and holiday. They are being unutterably tossy: they should be saying, and thinking, whatever can we do to make things more comfortable as they are driving such a long way and giving us so much of their time. Not making things more uncomfortable to get off on some stupid power pjag. This conspiratorial look -- well they sound like immature idiots.

Don't be ashamed or embarrassed about leaving. Look them straight in the eye. They will be playing a game of chicken with you about it. That's how stupid they obviously are. Your MIL will not blink first: but unfortunately for her you have much to gain and very little to lose from standing your ground. She has a great deal to lose and very little to gain except noxious self-righteousness and something to bitch about until she dies.

Frankly, your instinct is good. Tell your DH with a smile what will happen, tell him it's not a game, or a negotiation, and if you do leave, leave with a rueful smile as well -- they want it that way, not you.

Good luck. It's October, and they are wrecking your Christmas and causing rows with your dh about it. What nobs.

SeaTrek · 26/10/2010 18:57

My first thought was that one of your ILs uses that room, too.

I don't sleep in the same room as my DH. I struggle to get to sleep, he gets to sleep easily but wakes very early in the morning and struggles to get back to sleep. He snores, he sleeps in the middle of the bed, if he is hot he shoves the whole duvet on top of me. I get an appalling nights sleep!

They also may think that you won't wake up quickly if she wakes in the night if she is in a different room from you.

Having said all of that I have given up my room so that friends who stay can have a room of their own an separate rooms for their children. I get an pretty bad nights sleep thouh for the reasons above. I put up with it for 2 nights but for 5....I would be on my knees. Not that I can cope with houseguests for that long anyway! Grin

SeaTrek · 26/10/2010 19:02

I wanted to add that YANBU as well though!

I also loathe to spend the night at other peoples houses. Luckily DH is the same.

I think you are very brave to even contemplate 5 nights. I couldn't stand it...

doughnutty · 26/10/2010 19:53

I responded fairly early in the thread and said more or less to suck it up.

I think I have changed my mind.

Tell DH it's his job to speak for his family.
If he cares more about hurting his mums feelings than the health and well-being of his wife then his priorities are wrong.

If he won't sort it out to a satisfactory conclusion (give him a deadline) then you and DC's will be staying at home for your family Xmas and he can spend it with his family.

His loyalty should be with his wife and children not his mother unless you are being unreasonable which you are not

Blondeshavemorefun · 26/10/2010 20:16

as i said dh needs to grow some balls and have it out with his parents

completely different if no extra rooms but there are

there seems to be no sane or logical reason why your dd cant sleep in the spare EMPTY room

Rosettaroo · 26/10/2010 20:33

Sounds a bit like a control thing on your in laws part. Christmas get togethers cause so much stress for people. We had 11 consecutive Christmas days in a row with my in laws. We don't see them every Christmas now, which is much better for me.
Agree with others that your DH needs to sort this out.

cruelladepoppins · 26/10/2010 20:45

Make sure if you decamp without DH you leave the little ones for him to look after ...!