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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU or are my in-laws?

138 replies

BluePhone · 25/10/2010 18:26

My in-laws have a house with several bedrooms. We are due to go there for Christmas this year.

SIL and BIL are going too, with their 3 children. We have 2 children, a son, who will be sharing rooms with SIL 2 eldest, and a daughter, aged 1.

The gripe I have is thus. The inlaws want us to share our room (a double room with a double bed, and not a lot of room for anything else, but room for a cot) with our 1 year old daughter.

This would be fine if they didn't have a spare room to put her in, but they do. They have a spare room with a single bed, and room for a travel cot, and they will not agree to let us use it.

They have come up with some fairly weak excuses as to why we cannot use it, like "oh its too near the bathroom" etc etc. There is no solid, decent reason why we can't use the room. We went round and round in circles with them last time and they kept evading us.

The reason we dont want to share a room with our 1 year old is that she is a noisy sleeper and easily destracted. We are likely to wake her, and she us. If we are awake, we are both awake, and she just sleeps a lot better in a room of her own.

I would not expect them to magic up a room that doesn't exist, but as there is one, I am miffed at them not allowing us to use it.

I am willing to "try" 1 night of sharing with her to see how it goes. But if it goes badly, is it worth really pushing the issue of putting her in the spare room so we can get decent sleep over what is the last few days of annual leave my DH has and the first decent break away we have had this year since May? Assuming nobody is using the room?

Do you think its worth making an issue of, or having 5 nights of terrible sleep when there is a perfectly good room there that could be used?

OP posts:
pommedeterre · 25/10/2010 20:07

Broken sleep, sorry.
Good decision BP.

MadamDeathstare · 25/10/2010 20:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

IAPJJLPJ · 25/10/2010 20:09

how far apart do you live?

IAPJJLPJ · 25/10/2010 20:09

how far apart do you live?

traceybath · 25/10/2010 20:12

After the last 15 months of dreadful sleep with DD - there's no way I'd willingly share a room with her again.

So afraid I would be wanting DH to address the bedroom issue.

I wonder if those posters who say the OP should just accept whatever the in-laws say have children who are older/sleep well so have forgotten the utter misery of sleepless nights. [bitter/tired emoticon] Wink

And 5 nights of crap sleep when its needless is just madness! Your in-laws should be good hosts - I can't bear the 'their house/their rules' crap. So inhospitable.

BluePhone · 25/10/2010 20:12

No, fine, the room can stand unused, and we can go home after 2 days.

All hell will break loose if we go after 2 days, by the way. But so be it!

I'm not going to have a ruck with them about it. I've made my wishes clear to both my husband and my in-laws, in a polite reasonable manner. They either let us put her in the spare room (or in the dining room, or hallway, or SOMEWHERE, all of which they have said no to - "there might be dogs in the hall" "the dining room will be too cold" etc) or we go home on Boxing day.

I'm not going to put up with 5 full bad nights sleep followed by a 7 hour journey for nothing. If there's a good reason, they might tell me what it is. If the room is in use, fine. But if there's a perfectly good room and they just like to see us suffer or something, then I'm not doing it.

I've made my decision! Thanks for your input.

OP posts:
BluePhone · 25/10/2010 20:14

We live 7 hours drive away, IAPJJLPJ, possibly more in Christmas traffic (its taken 12 hours in previous years)

OP posts:
traceybath · 25/10/2010 20:14

I agree with you BP Smile

BubbaAndBump · 25/10/2010 20:19

I know you've now made your decision, but only just read this thread. I understand your frustration, but just how badly are you really likely to sleep if you share a room? Is it not something you've had to do before (i.e. in a hotel room or something?) where it's a bit of a PITA as you have to creep about in the dark/half-light, but really mostly okay sleepwise?

Appletrees · 25/10/2010 20:20

I agree with you BP: five nights of appalling sleep, disrupted routine, odd food, too much sugar and booze for all, too much excitement, bad moods, tension, exhaustion, and massive travelling commitments: you would start the New Year in a right state and quite probably vulnerable to all sorts of bugs and crap. Your children come first. Go home.

BluePhone · 25/10/2010 20:24

Hi bubba, you have a point, but no, we wont truly know how she will be at this age until we do it. If its fine, of COURSE, forget the OP - but I guess I'm trying to canvass opinions in the event of what I am expecting to see if my request is really that outlandish or if I'm in my right mind to at least suggest that we dont put up with it and go home.

The general consensus is that its not an unreasonable thing to want, that its perhaps unreasonable to insist, but not totally unreasonable to go and do our own thing in our own home. Its helped me clarify the worst case scenario.

It means my DH misses out on playing golf and going to the pub with his sister and BIL but tough shit I guess.

OP posts:
SlackSally · 25/10/2010 20:25

I obviously don't know the reality of how you and your daughter sleep, but I can't be alone in thinking you're bloody lucky to all be getting a bed.

Normal routine round here is sleeping on a sofa!

Also agree with those that suggest it might have to do with your BIL/SIL and family. After all, they have the bigger family, so would have a valid argument for using the room before you (again, obviously not knowing about their sleeping habits.

HeadlessLadyBiscuit · 25/10/2010 20:25

What would you do if your ILs had a smaller house? Confused

I have to say that as a single person I used to get really fucking irritated when we went on family holidays and my sister insisted that she didn't sleep in a room with their young DC, leaving me (as a woman in my late 30s) to share with a 15 year old. Because both my sisters were married, they got a lovely double room for them and their DHs whereas I was made to share with a teenager :( I have to say I thought they were being horribly precious (mind you, I still cosleep with my 3YO so don't really get the 'they are too noisy' thing)

BluePhone · 25/10/2010 20:26

Appletrees: Too much booze? Too much booze? Hello? Can I come to yours?!

OP posts:
ChaoticAngel · 25/10/2010 20:27

YANBU

I'd refuse to go. Then again I'm the bitch from hell if I don't get enough sleep so I'd be doing everyone a favour if I didn't [hgrin] My two are 16 & 18 so I generally don't have that problem nowadays.

QuickLookBusy · 25/10/2010 20:30

Maybe they are worried that if DD is in a strange room all by herself she will not settle very well and will disturb the whole house during the night.

If she is with you, you can both reassure her without everyone else being woken.

BluePhone · 25/10/2010 20:31

If my IL's had a smaller house and couldn't accomodate us, sure, it would be a different issue, in that the sleep would still be a potential issue, but there would be no alternative.

I'm really only talking about a scenario that I am predicting, which is (a) my daugter sleeps badly and (b) the room stands empty.

If either of those things change, its sort of cancelled out. I still wont be happy with the lack of sleep, and we could still go early, but there's no "issue" to "deal with" you can't deal with a full house, so you either suck it up or go home. When there's an empty room with a door winking at you down the hall, then there is an alternative to going home, if they want.

What they probably suggest is that DH sleeps in the spare room, leaving me with bad-sleeping DD. They will probably make up some reason why I can't go there "Its a boys only room" or some such bollix. That's what they are like.

Anyway, assuming she sleeps badly and they dont let us go in the room (we wont really know either until we actually arrive there) then we go home Boxing day.

If you think it weird me raising it now, its them ringing up constantly to discuss Xmas arrangements, so the discussions are being had, and I tend to think its better being honest and straight about our preferences now, not turning up at the time and being all demanding - best just lodge our request and let them chew it over.

OP posts:
BluePhone · 25/10/2010 20:33

By the way, SIL and BIL are rooming in with their baby, because they co-sleep.

I suspect they expect we should be doing the same so do not wish to use the room.

OP posts:
BluePhone · 25/10/2010 20:34

Sorry that deleted wrong. BIL and SIL do not wish to use the room because they co-sleep.

I expect the IL's think we should be co-sleeping too.

OP posts:
moomaa · 25/10/2010 20:42

BluePhone, whilst I thought YWBU to use the room without permission I don't think it would be rude to go home early if you are not sleeping well and to say that is why you are going.

traceybath - "I wonder if those posters who say the OP should just accept whatever the in-laws say have children who are older/sleep well so have forgotten the utter misery of sleepless nights." Not me sadly, and it would make no difference if DD was in her own room or not, she would be waking up the whole house (and she is 2.5, she should have stopped this by now!!)

Appletrees · 25/10/2010 20:44

You're right.. it's a controlly thing.

At ILs, yes, for Christmas, too much booze. It was how I coped. It's all sherry. This Christmas is the first with ILs for some time. I expect to climb off the sherry wagon at ooooooh 9 am. Or as soon as the first "constructive criticism" pops out, if that's earlier.

Appletrees · 25/10/2010 20:45

Off the point I don't think it's rude to go home early. Your mIL would have done the same thirty five years ago I'm sure.

Appletrees · 25/10/2010 20:45

No my before post was off the point, I meant. My last post was on the point. Confused

HeadlessLadyBiscuit · 25/10/2010 20:47

Copious quantities of alcohol is the only way to get through xmas IMO

QuickLookBusy · 25/10/2010 20:49

Blue, will your DD sleep in a strange room, through the night? (Mine wouldnt have)

If not she will disturb everyone elses sleep.
Maybe this is what PIL are thinking?