To want DSD to have an abortion?

[TessoftheDamned]

Heavy going stuff but really doubting myself on this.

DSD is 14 and we thought was a straight-laced girl, very into her studies, hardly ever goes out, etc. Anyway, has fallen pregnant and just had the nerve to tell us (lives with us full-time, her mother is not in the picture). The guy is 'long gone' as she says, refuses to tell us his name or where she met him. To be honest I'm a bit worried there was some pressure and perhaps even date rape thing going on, but I haven't pushed it as she's very vulnerable at the moment (as one might expect).

She is adamant she is keeping her baby. Although I'm sure it will end up looking to us as parents and her as a sister, we don't want another baby and don't want to look after hers. She's not an adult but it is her body, I'm so torn. I feel like she's doing herself and everyone else a great disservice bringing this heartache, but of course a baby is normally a source of joy...

DH is flabbergasted and shocked, he's still trying to find out who the boy is (she told us 3 days ago). She clams up when we suggest anything other than keeping the baby and refuses to speak to us.

AIBU?

Having taught several hundred 14 year old girls, very few would be capable of organising the baby's care without parental input, either in or out of the home. Several couldn't even hold the animatronic baby the right way up.

I don't think this is about money Lougle; I think it is about an adult having her choices taken away by her dsd's pregnancy; about her family being disrupted; about the impact on the other children; of having to go back to the slog of raising a baby; that's 5 years at least that she will have to put her life on hold for, and she doesn't want to do that.

We all know what abortion is; the termination of a pregnancy. Having the baby is pretty well irreversible as well, and the dsd will be dealing with that for the rest of her life as well.

Oh for god's sake don't be so childish.

Anyway last thing I want is for this (helpful) thread to descend into vitriol and arguing, so amd going to leave it now.

Tess - wish you and your family all the luck, hope the dinner went well last night,.

The poster is also not in the UK, altinkum, and an atheist who does not relate morality to termination of pregnancy.

Name-calling is not on.

'you dont own you're child, you have NO rights over your child, you have a parental responsibility to look after them, however that does not include forcing them into doing something they do not want to do, especially this!!!'

We are always hearing about 'rights', well if you want parents to take responsibility, they must have the right to decide what happens to their children, even if the child disagrees with it. My ds for example doesn't like injections - that doesn't mean that he he can refuse his boosters or the Hep injections I am in the process of setting up for him. It is my right as his mother to make those decisions for him, even at 15.

Equally, if you have no 'rights' over your child, then the dsd doesn't have the 'right' to say what will happen here as she is patently incapable of taking responsibility for the baby when it arrives.

I would also argue that the 'rights' of the dsd do not extend to forcing the OP to do something she doesn't want which is to have deal with the baby in the first place.

An adult Altinkum has resources available that a 14 year old does not have, and it is not about money.

Some of us do believe that an abortion would on balance be the best thing for the 14 year old and for her family.

QS has not forced an abortion upon anyone, her opinion is that the dsd should have an abortion and that sooner is better than later. Grow up as Getorf said.

Scary - I think that too - but the adult's decision does NOT trump that of the girl - and it's she who should decide.

'Actually he can scaryteacher, with him being 15 he actually does have the right, to say NO, to any medical procedure!!!!, and the Nurse will actually ask him, if he wants it done, or else the nurse can be up against a charge of GBH!

You can argue all you want, you dont have rights, only parental responsibility over your child, which includes health, financial, education etc... you have NO right to impose a medical procedure onto your child.'

I too live overseas Altinkum in a country where the parent makes the choices until the child is 18 for medical treatment. He would not be given the choice to refuse, and quite right too. He is not mature enough to make an informed choice. You might as well allow him not to attend the clinics and not have the scans to see if his heart condition has improved or not as he can say no. However, that would be irresponsible, so he does not get that option.

Altinkum, do you believe that the OP has the moral responsibility to care for the baby? Because THAT is the issue here. Her husband and her stepdaugher both believe she will be primary carer. Do you think she should have that obligation imposed upon her?

'You can argue all you want, you dont have rights, only parental responsibility over your child, which includes health'? Hoist by your own petard methinks as health frequently includes medical does it not?

I'm shocked at some of the draconian attitudes here.

Tess's DSD is 14, which legally makes her a child.

In reality though, she is in transition between childhood and adulthood, and adult emotions do not suddenly appear as though switched on at the age of 16. To march her into a clinic as though she were having a wart removed would be horrific.

Pretending that this is not a baby is not only unhelpful and downright ridiculous, it will give the whole family untold shut to deal with in the future, compared to which having a new baby in the family would seem like a picnic.

QS and others like you, you are short-sighted at best, and deluded at worst.

The girl can decide but she needs to know and have it spelt out very plainly what the consequences of that decision will be, including a mother and baby unit; no help apart from minimal granny help from the OP and that she and she alone is responsible for that baby and that with a baby there is no time off for along while.

The law in UK might Altinkum, but not in other countries.

The law says a few things about under age sex too.

My opinion is that as long as the child is below the age of sexual consent, she is also below an age where she should have to take such a decision.

To me a child closing up and saying "nope, keeping it" has more to do with inability to cope with the enormousness of her predicament than an actual decision of the matter.

Has the op said whether the girl has admitted who the father is, or his age? Or whether she had consented to sex?

I think this matters too.

I think the fathers family need to informed.

If you are a very mature and intellectual adult Altinkum , then display that through your choice of phrases. Some of the abuse you hurled at Quint displays neither maturity nor points to any intellectual debate.

Madabout - I don't think those of us who think abortion would be the best option are either deluded or short sighted, but practical and very sorry for the OP who has been put in this position.

I've read the entire thread, Altinkum, including the several posts by the OP saying that she has no intention of forcing her daughter into an abortion. So I'm not sure who you're arguing against.

'Also if your done doesn't want any medical procedures, he has the legal right to say NO, and no Dr unless by court order can force a child to undergo any medical procedure against their will' I don't live in the UK, so yes ds can be made to have an injection against his will.