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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to want to home ed my eldest dd?

159 replies

argeybargey · 23/10/2010 21:32

I always wanted to home ed our eldest dd but went with the local primary for several reasons that I won't go into here. It is a good school,progressive, and is excellent in many ways that I consider to be important- like pastoral care,approach to environment as well as academic.But I am questioning if it right for my dd;if school is right,for that matter.

To be honest since she started there there just seems to be so much crap that seems to come as part of the package ,and I often think that it would be so much easier if we were home edding and not having to deal with all of the other,negative crap that goes along with the playground,specifically.

My dd loves learning and enjoys school life but lately isn't as happy, and finds the social side bewildering at times - specifically having to deal with other children excluding her or just being generally rough or mean to each other. I know it's par for the course but she's not an instigator and I just feel like why should she have to deal with all of this crap as she is a sweet kid and I hate seeing her sad.

Am I being unreasonable to not want to have to deal with,or for my dd to have to deal with,all of the playground crap?

OP posts:
ForMashGetSmash · 24/10/2010 11:25

Oh golly...it's all so persona isn't it? Riven...I love readinabout DC's like yours...who prove that home ed does no damage at all...quite the opposite!

I may home ed for 6 months due to travelling with work...I will get a tutor...a very nic head teacher on Mumsnet advised me that travelling wil actually increase my DC's ability to learn by opening up their mind...I wish people who are so against HE woud just look at the wider picture. Not everyone's kids are tough enough fr school...mine are luckily....but what about the poster whose son was kicked and stamped on? Why on earth would she send her child into THAT every day?

piscesmoon · 24/10/2010 11:28

Change the school!

piscesmoon · 24/10/2010 11:29

Ask her DD would be the starting point. Does she want to be HEed?

LeQueen · 24/10/2010 11:30

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LeQueen · 24/10/2010 11:33

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piscesmoon · 24/10/2010 11:44

I agree LeQueen-I can't see the point of taking them early. It must be dreadful to be at university when you are too young to mix socially. School isn't just academic.

Kewcumber · 24/10/2010 11:46

"My mum plays guitar and piano, so I could have learnt much more from her!" So parents who send their childrne to school don;t botehr to teach tehm anything? Shock

I'm slightly amazed that so many people seem to think that School and imparting knowledge to your DC's is mutually exclusive. Surely if you have a special interest or skill you would share that with your child?

Surely all decent parens HE, but most send their child to school as well.

I have limited experience of HE, I know 3 friedns and one member of family who HE either now or in the past. I haven't rated the end result highly but can see that it might work but I think the odds are against so you hould consider it if there really is no feasible option. Extreme bullying which the school will not/cannot address is one. Desire to opt out of certian things might be another (teaching evolution).

Its not difficult to sit GCSE's in small tranches but most exam situations eg at A level or University or professional exams require that you sit them all in one go - my accountancy exams would have failed me for the whle lot if I had failed 1 of 5. So if your child is saiming for an academic future, you would really do better to teach them how to deal with the pressure of a pile of exams in one go. If they are aiming for the kind of career which has a less academic background where more of the course is continuously assessed or course work based then not such a big problem.

Carmen - you can't compare HE in the US with the UK it a whole different ballgame, way more support in teh US.

Kewcumber · 24/10/2010 11:49

and reading my typo's you'd think I had no education of any sort!

piscesmoon · 24/10/2010 11:51

School is a partnership. All parents HE, some just send them out to school for a few hours each day, 5 days a week for about 39weeks a year. They don't say that covers it-I don't need to bother!

sarah293 · 24/10/2010 12:02

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piscesmoon · 24/10/2010 12:06

A very sensible post Riven-DCs may well have both at different times and siblings may have completely different needs. Consult the DD.

sarah293 · 24/10/2010 12:09

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piscesmoon · 24/10/2010 12:15

My SIL is the same -pretty scathing about many other HE parents and about school. She knows all sorts in both and has been HEing for over 10yrs, with a DC at school at some points.Taking a DD out of school isn't a magic answer.

ReformedCharacter · 24/10/2010 12:16

Facetious pot-shots [snort]. Are you even slightly aware of how offensive your posts are to HEers?

You implied that musicofthenight was flaunting her DD's success and then in the same post went on to flaunt your DH's and DD's academic brilliance. There has been so much negativity on here about HEd children, much of it from you, is it any wonder that a HEer might want to post about the good side of HE?

I understand the point you were making, so please, try to refrain from repeating yourself.

Thank you for asking about my experiences at school. I enjoyed it a great deal until I was about 13 when I started to resent learning things that I had no interest in and didn't think would benefit me in the future. I left before I was 16 and gained a couple of GCSEs.

Make of that whatever you will. It's not important because DS is not actually a carbon copy of me.

musicOfTheNightposy · 24/10/2010 12:38

"musicofhtenight I believe it is completely inappropriate for an 11 year old, or a 13 year old to take GCSEs. Regardless of their ability.You sound exactly like the HE parents I had to deal with. Frantically flaunting the fact their 11/12/13 year old child had got a couple of GCSEs so early, as proof that being HE was a success. Any child that's bright can be sufficiently coached & hothoused to pass a GCSE at 12 or 13. Let's face it, they're not exactly hard. My husband was breezing through O Level Maths papers for fun before he left junior school. My DD2 is going to be the same, and although she's only 6 has just read The Hobbit. I'm sure if I took her out of school and HE her she could pass a stack of GCSEs before she was 13. But for what purpose exactly?"

So, I can't win. Parents are either accused of not educating their HE children at all or of hothousing them? Where did you read they were hothoused? I wasn't flaunting it to boast - but people were saying that home educated children were badly educated and came out of it with no skills.

I've already said the GCSEs were self taught, from their own interests. They did them because they enjoyed it nad we had loads of fun along the way. If you have an idea of pushing a child through hours and hours of study, you couldn't be further from the truth. And the purpose? Well, I've taught many 16 year olds who are so pressured because they have to study for 10 GCSEs. My DDs will have to take no more than 2 in that final year.

"And, the fact you yourself have been HE is not surprising at all. HE is a self fulfilling prophecy. Children struggle at school because they haven't developed the appropriate social skills...so there parents decide to HE them...in time the child has children of their own, but isn't able to model good social skills to their child, so their child struggles at school...and so it goes on."

This is one of the most hurtful and insulting things I have ever read. Where did I say I was HE'd because of poor social skills, or because of problems at school? I was HEd for a while because of an awful, awful family tradgedy and because the school thought that time out for a year was the best way of helping us. I already said I went on to secondary school and loved it. From where did you deduce I had poor social skills?

And from where did you deduce my DDs had or have poor social skills? DD1 came out of school because she thought DD2 was having an amazing time - it was a positive choice, not a negative one. She still sees all the friends she had in school, and loads of new ones beside. DD2 came out of school because at the age of 8 they put her into a class of 11 year olds to try and come with her academically - and wouldn't recind on it, despite hours of talks. She is so social I get weeks I hardly see her for sleepovers and trips out with friends.

Posts like this make me wonder why I ever go on mumsnet. It is so cruel sometimes. You make huge assumptions without knowing anything about the situation.

I've never said I don't agree with school, or don't think school is a great place for loads of kids. I'm a schoolteacher, for goodness sake. I'm just trying to balance out the narrow views on here.

What Riven and Pisces say both make huge sense. It shouldn't be school is awful, home ed is great, I never said that. But to imply that home ed is some self fulfilling prophecy of social failure is deeply insulting, especially to someone like me who had almost a year out of school because of going though the most awful time imaginable, and nothing to do with social skills or problems at school at all.

musicOfTheNightposy · 24/10/2010 12:39

Thank you, ReformedCharater. Cross post, but I'm glad it wasn't just me who thought that was very offensive.

ragged · 24/10/2010 12:44

Lequeen said "[University ] will only consider the GCSEs all taken at one sitting"

Can I clarify (sorry to hijack, am afraid if I started another thread it'd get ignored) --

University admissions often only consider GCSEs taken within a narrow time frame, is that right? So 2 GCSEs passed at age 12 would be disregarded if the applicant then had 8 GCSEs all taken at age 15-16, is that how it works? How many Unis would disregard the results from age 12yo? Would like more info. Ta.

sarah293 · 24/10/2010 12:49

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ForMashGetSmash · 24/10/2010 12:52

Universities are very open to homeschooled children actually. They certainly do not disregard GCSE's taken at 12 or whatever age.

musicOfTheNightposy · 24/10/2010 12:56

"Parents who HE are very quick to point out that their child does lots of social activities e.g. Brownies, music lessons, swimming clubs, science clubs, Scouts etc. But, all these activities are quite tightly controlled, with an adult directing everyone. There's not much freedom or spontaneity.
But if you put an HE child in a far more relaxed scenario with their non-HE peers then they flounder desperately."

Where do you get the idea they don't do all the stuff schooled children do?

This week alone - my eldest went shopping with friends yesterday and took the train 30 miles to the nearest big town. Nothing to do with me, no adults present. Earlier in the week the fair came to our town and she went down there with another group of friends. Next week she is going with a group of friends to Thorpe Park - no adults. Next weekend she has been invited to a halloween party. I'd say this looks like the itinery of most happy outgoing 14 year olds. Some of this is with home ed kids, some with schooled kids.

DD2 last week went for a sleepover with a friend for two nights. She took the train to ballet with another friend. Tomorrow she has a friend coming round for the day.

I'm not sure what "relaxed scenario" they're not getting. And they certainly don't seem to be "floundering desperately" ! Grin

Quattrocento · 24/10/2010 13:10

I dunno about that claim about GCSEs taken early.

The point that some were making is that some university and pretty well all forms of professional exams rely on a set of big bang exams, and that children need to experience that during their school careers in order to deal with them later in life

The point that others were making is the point about taking GCSEs late, or retaking them. I think. And clearly that's not very compelling from a university entrance POV

Now I took 3 'O' levels early (two one year early and one three years early). All the universities I interviewed with quite liked that. I have seen no evidence that suggests that universities don't like that any more.

But the problem about taking gcses early, or igcses, because gsces are very dumbed down, is what you do after you've passed them. What exactly? Start A level? The issue is that gcses just aren't challenging enough.

sarah293 · 24/10/2010 13:25

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ReformedCharacter · 24/10/2010 13:43

Thanks for confirming that Mash. I had a vague idea that was the case.

ForMashGetSmash · 24/10/2010 13:50

Well said Riven!

Skyrg · 24/10/2010 14:40

Kewcumber.

"My mum plays guitar and piano, so I could have learnt much more from her!" So parents who send their childrne to school don;t botehr to teach tehm anything?

I'm slightly amazed that so many people seem to think that School and imparting knowledge to your DC's is mutually exclusive.'

I have no idea what your first sentence has to do with the part of my post that you quoted. I don't know if you read the rest of my post at all. Where did I say that parents who send their children to school don't bother to teach them anything? I don't understand how you got that from what I wrote.

What I was saying was in response to someone mentioning facilities. My point was that my mother had, and could play, a guitar and piano. The school only allowed us near keyboards. Therefore, in that instance, she could teach me a lot more than the school seemed to want to.

Of course it isn't mutually exclusive, although I expect you have a lot more time to teach them things if you home ed.