to hate breastfeeding my baby

[FeelLikeTweedleDee]

It's supposed to be nurturing and an amazing bonding experience. But I despise breastfeeding. I'm one of those malcontent mothers who breastfeed out of duty alone. When I read about mothers who enjoy breastfeeding and who feel sad when their child self-weans I feel like sectioning them.

10 Things I Hate About Breastfeeding:

1. THE PAIN. They say "if it hurts you're doing it wrong". That's one of the many breastfeeding bluffs you'll hear at antenatal classes (don't want to scare off all the new expectant mothers do we?) Well it hurts me and I've had my latch checked by a thousand professionals. Also I've had thrush. Also I have a very strong let-down reflex. Considering the let-down reflex is normal, and indeed essential, then it's safe to say that breastfeeding hurts and I'm doing it RIGHT.

1. YOUR BODY IS OWNED BY OTHERS. All through your pregnancy you console yourself by saying "I can't wait to give birth, then I can have my body back to myself". WRONG. As a breastfeeding mother, your baby continues to have dibs on your body.

1. THE HUMILIATION. Aside from imprisoning themselves in their home for 2 years, breastfeeding mothers have to face the humiliation of breastfeeding in public. Every Tom, Dick and Harry can get a view of your baps. Some may even decide to comment as you sit there and flop an udder out. So not only does your body belong to your baby, it also belongs to the general public too. You may as well sign on the dotted line because ownership ain't yours anymore.

1. LIMITED WARDROBE. Because someone else owns your body, that means that you have to dress to their tastes. Chest access is key. Say goodbye to that inseason lacy bodysuit you've had your eye on. Say goodbye to most dresses actually. Say hello to Primark vest tops and masculine shirts. Joy.

1. FORMULA CULTURE. Most people give up breastfeeding after a few weeks. Thus we live in a formula culture. Bottles are everywhere. On Congratulations cards, in soaps, in children's books, on babygros. The result is that most people (your close family included) think that by breasstfeeding you have changed into a strange earth-mother type, and maybe even slightly pervy. And of course you're the only BFing mother at your babygroup.

1. MRS MARTYR. As a breastfeeding mother you are soley responsible for your baby's continued existence on the plannet. Only you can feed baby. (It's understandable why a lot of new dad's support breastfeeding these days!) Welcome to the world of lonely midnight feeds. Welcome to your partner going for drinks down the pub whilst you stay at home, udders at the ready. But what about expressing I hear you say? For most women the breastpump extracts 3oz. As baby grows she'll want more than that. You make an appointment with your doc but she won't prescribe anything to increase your supply. Time to pop to Holland and Barrett to get some Fenugreek herbs. As a result you end up smelling of curry. Your FFing friends at the babygroup avoid your side of the mat.

1. SO-CALLED "PROFESSIONALS". Health visitors, midwives, GPs, breastfeeding counsellors - they don't know shit about breastfeeding. But they will love to mindfuck you with conflicting info. "Your breasts have dried up because the pump isn't getting much out". "Just top up with formula, it's fine". "Don't bother feeding past 6 months". Because this is your first time breastfeeding you don't know any better. You trust these professionals. As time passes you notice that a lot of what they have instructed you to do has actually sabotaged your BFing efforts. You swear that you'll learn from these mistakes for your next child. But what about your poor first child - the breastfeeding guinea pig.

1. GROWTH SPURTS. Every month or so you're going to hit one of these bad boys. You'll be constantly feeing every 1-2 hours. No sooner have you clipped your bra cup back up then your baby demands its next meal. If you were on formula you would simply increase the volume of feed and hand it over to dad/grandma/sister in law/the dog. Also because baby is feeding so frequently you worry that your milk is not enough, and you can't see exactily how much milk your baby is getting. Are you STARVING your baby? Dark throughts creep into the back of your mind. The old lady in the post office gives you evils as your baby screams the place down. "Baby needs her bottle" the old lady comments, tutting and shaking her head. You begin to wonder if she's right.

1. MONITORED INTAKE. Really looking forward to several double vodkas after giving birth weren't you? After 9 months of t-totalism, a big blow out was just what you needed. Well tough titties. And that medication for your acne? Say goodbye to it and hello to a face that resembles those Cath Kidston pokerdotted handbags.

10. YOU HAVE NO CHOICE. A large part of motherhood is about making the right choices for your family. Stay at home - go to work, co-sleeping or seperate rooms, dummy or no dummy. And breastfeeding or formula feeding is one of those choices right? WRONG. you have no choice. From the moment of conception we are bombarded with "breast is best". The scientists and the government have made your choice for you. Afterall, you want to do what's best for your child, right? (How can you answer no to that question and not live with guilt).

1. Why not do a bit of reading first and make up your own mind rather than trusting someone else?

1. Complete nonsense. It's like those comedians who do the "Cuh! Ever noticed...?" Well, no because this is real life not your imaginary magazine version of it.

1. Luckily I am neither spotty nor an alcoholic so I can't comment here.

10. If you have no choice then why do less than 50% of women in this country still breastfeed three months post partum. And you're actually contradicting point 5 completely as well if you hadn't noticed.

11. Fuck off.

YABU

i'll probably get flamed for this, but posts like this really annoy me!

i am currently breastfeeding my 3 week old dd and can't disagree more. it has never been painful, never had any comments, she is putting on weight beautifully and no problems getting her to latch on. also found midwives incredibly helpful and supportive.

i hate seeing posts like this because all they do is put off pregnant women from breastfeeding. i saw all these posts when i was pregnant and assumed breastfeeding would be difficult, bought a load of bottles, steriliser and associated crap and was stressing as to whether i needed formula 'just in case. haven't given my daughter any formula, and wish i hadn't worried so much.

i love breastfeeding, it's so convenient and easy. plus it's great for my dd, has health benefits for me, and i really do think it has helped me bond with my daughter. also it helps with postnatal weight loss

I'm not being precious. I'm fed up with BF bashing and her style reminds me of the awful woman who was deputy ed of mother and baby or whatever mag it was who went on about not wanting to BF because her breasts were her partner's "funbags" and she wanted a glass of something "wet and white" in the evening. It sickens me.

Woah.

My first reacton was that yo are finding mother hood and the constant neds of your baby hard, rather than simply breastfeeding. AYe, that's very understandable though your post was very agressive.

Has anybody mentioned mixed feeding yet? DOubt it, it rarely appears on mumsnet. We mix fed. I wanted to give our baby the best and I found some aspects of it tricky so we also gave some formula.

I used formula if I felt I was in a situation where I couldn;t feed comfortably (have probs with arms ad hands so often unable to hold DD to breast without my sofa and cushion!). Also in freezing weather if out in town so my nips didn;t freeze.

In terms of clothes, babys relying on your etc - repeat like a mantra "its not forever". Because however hard this is, one day you will miss her dependance on you.

And I am sorry but I can't go without adding that there will be many women who read this who feel very hurt and long and drem of what you are in the middle of.

Also. If you feel shit do see someone or change somehing. You have that choice you know. Our helth visitor said that breast is best for baby but that you should really do what is best for the whole family and if some formular makes you able to be a less angry mum then do that :)

I hated every bit of breast feeding - lasted eight weeks. Personally I'd have found it helpful to have read some opinions like the OP's and to have been prepared for the fact that I might find it tough.

If the only people who are allowed to voice their opinions are the ones who want to gush about how lovely it is, then how does that help new mothers?

Number 8 definitly happened to me. And I think that if I'd known before I started that it was going to be as difficult as it was (and it's great to hear that some people really didn't find it so and loved it from
the off - if a teensy bit irrelevant) I wouldn't, in my darkest hours, have thought 'i'm shit at this, I'm letting my baby down, I should quit' especially when assorted midwives, hvs and parents were telling me that a bottle would be best. Maybe if more people said, 'yeah this is pretty shitty at times but it's what needs to be done' it might help some people? It would have helped me.

Also if it were possible to be lighthearted about it without getting flamed left right and centre?

Bearcrumble I don't think this is the same at all. I'm hugely pro bf and I HATED that article. I think this is pro bf but acknowledging that it can be tough. Isn't there room for that?

I don't think it is pro-breastfeeding. Why does she feel she has the right to judge my experience and "want to section" me?

For me breastfeeding has been an amazing bonding experience, DS is 8 months now so feeding less frequently and I look forward to taking him upstairs for his naps, giving him a quiet feed and having a bit of peace and some lovely cuddles as apart from those times he is constantly on the move. I struggled to establish breastfeeding as he was born weighing just over 4lb at 35 weeks but I got amazing support from the staff at SCBU and when we got it going after a few days where he'd been fed mostly formula (with a few drops of hand expressed colostrum) I finally felt like I was doing something for him as I couldn't be with him every hour of the day as I'd wanted. So yes, it pains me when people rubbish breastfeeding.

I'm not saying to be dishonest - for most of us it does hurt at first and it can be difficult to get the latch right (especially with a very tiny baby) but in the long run it is so wonderful, and so easy. I feel desperately sad for the babies who don't have it and for the mothers who don't experience it.

Am going to bed now.

The OP is exactly how I feel. I'm at three months and have considered giving up so many times.

Three weeks into breastfeeding, I went and bought a box of formula and stood at the til in boots practically in tears because I felt like a failure. Once I got home, I couldn't bring myself to open the formula and carried on breast feeding.

I now give DS formula when I just can't face breastfeeding any more.

It's sad because in my head, I worry that y holding my hand up and saying I don't like breastfeeding, it feels to me like I'm saying I don't love DS as much, like I don't want that bond with him.

And I know that the way I feel about BFing, about feeding in public and being judged by other people is totally in my own head. At work we've labelled it as 'the crazies' - irritational feelings that aren't based on anything.

Everyday, I worry about not being able to feed DS enough if I just BF. But then I worry if I've given him formula and then he cries, that he's crying because I gave him formula.

I've resorted to giving him two bottle of expressed, or one expressed and one formula, a day so that I know he's at least getting 12 oz of milk a day.

I know I'm stupid and crazy and should just relax.

I know what you mean about feeling sad and I can completely empathise with your having struggled to do it and feeling a real sense of achievement now that it works. I feel exactly the same way - although we never ended up in SCBU we had loads of shit from idiots who should have known better andit was only dh and a fantastic IBCLC who kept me sane.

But I think that this post could be read as exactly that - some empathy for those of us who find it hard but carry on. That's how I'm choosing to see it anyway

Sorry that was @ bearcrumble . Helen I empathise so much with this - it will get better. Dd is 5 months and I've only just got the confidence to drop the expressed feed. Easy to say but trust your body :)

Hi All,
I haven't read the whole thread, but wanted to say that I hated BFing, too, for lots of the same reasons that the OP does. In the end, I switched to a bottle, and it worked better for us. My DD (DC2) really struggled with weight gain (she had infant reflux, and couldn't keep breatmilk down), so I was grateful that formula helped her with that.

At the end of the day, it's about nourishing your child in the way that makes you both happy and sane. You do have a choice.

Helen

I'm one of those women who should be semi-sectioned I enjoyed it very much,lovely bonding etc..

but there was a point when I thought fuck this for a laugh (about 11-12mths)..you know the point they start trying to twiddle the other nipple for fun whilst feeding...or when they start using the nipple as baby chewing gum ...

but i acknowledge that BF can be hard for other women..

I didn't experience most of the list because I tend to not give a shit what other people think...and I make my choices based on what I want and what I think I'm capable of and what I think is best no room for other people and their issues plus I have a mother who's a guilt trip queen so I have a huge ignore button

Drink some Camomile Tea OP its doesn't last for ever...but if you can't take it stop there's no shame..

i disagree with much of what you said but wholeheartedly support your right to rant about it on here (bf is personal decision innnit?)

I hated pregnancy - every damn moment of it - and quite a lot of breastfeeding, certainly in the first few leaky achy weeks/months. And I think a lot of people on this thread are underestimating the heavy weight of guilt that forces a lot of us through those first few weeks/months.

And yes, that utter utter dependence - and no it's not just part and parcel of the whole dependence of a new baby because (as I found when I moved to mix-feeding DD1) the fact that anyone can prepare and produce formula does shift that terrifying awareness that this baby is solely dependent in every possible way on you.

I do think, now, that breastfeeding is harder than formula feeding in the first few months but then it's easier. It depends on whether you can stick it out. I moved as I say to mixed feeding with my first baby, whereas with my second I hung on (motivated by Guilt and Responsibility) and actually ended up breastfeeding her for 18 months.

However, I would also say that of course you can breastfeed anywhere you damn well choose. And you can have a glass of wine. Babies are hard enough to cope with, dammit, a drink will console and fortify you .

OP, I agree with the sentiment (I intensely dislike BFing as well), but nonetheless am still BFing 7 month old DS4 and I BF the other 3 to varying degrees.

Why?

1. Because it is what boobs where made for.
2. Because it is best for him.
3. Because it is best for me (longterm health, not shortterm pain/dependency etc etc)
4. Because, IME, after 4-6 months it is so, so much easier than FFing.
5. Because I do actually get a degree of satisfaction out of the fact that I am keeping him alive (well, not so much now that he has started solids. And yes, I used to get really stressed out by the thought that I am the only person keeping him alive... I never claimed my feelings about BFing were logical ).
6. Because it seems stupid/wrong/insane to rely on an artifically manufactured, inferior, potentially harmful, expensive product like FF. I don't like milk powder in my coffee; why would I give the equivalent to my precious offspring?? And yes, I have and am giving FF at times for various practical reasons and also because I am a product of the world and culture I grew up in and suffer from attacks of insecurity about supply etc.
7. Because I am the centre of his universe .
8. Because when I decided I wanted to become a mother, I was aware that self-interest will have to take a back seat.
9. Because it can be the most convenient thing in the world to comfort/shut up a distressed baby anywhere, anytime.

10. Because I am a contrary cow and quite enjoy going against the majority feeding method in this country .

Having said all that, it is entirely up to you how you feed your child. Stop if it makes you miserable. You have already given your baby the very best start in life. So good on you .

And, go and read 'The Politics of BFing' - I know, I know, the title: it put me off for years as well. However, seriously, read it. You will feel entirely different about what you are doing and how you make the decision how to feed your current child or subsquent children. It is not a free and equal 'choice' any of us make .

mother I hated pregnancy too!!...I was sick as a dog no glowing going on.. I had a face like a slapped arse most of the time..

you made me laugh - I thought it was all very well written and genuine.
Some bits don't quite resonate with my own experience, but I appreciated the honesty.
I agree with proudnscary - your rant will probably help someone.

Oh, gawd, yes, by all means drink. They used to positively recommend Guinness for nursing mothers... .

As fas as feeding in public goes, nobody gives a shit. The very occasional reaction I have had, has always been positive - usually middle-aged/older women giving us a smile. 'Tis nice .

pacificwerewolf, I could have written this list myself!!! :o)

PacificWerewolf, I'm happy for you but I can't help but feel that your description of formula as artifically manufactured, inferior, potentially harmful is smug as hell and really doesn't help at all those of us that didn't manage to do it for whatever reason.

It's a bit mean to celebrate your success by comparing formula to powdered milk for your coffee. For some of us and our babies it was a matter of life or death.

My boy wouldn't latch at all and avoided my breast until he was old enough to bite it. I couldn't stop crying because I had only heard of how easy and natural breastfeeding is, so I never thought we wouldn't manage. I still miss it, I still wish he had been able to and I wouldn't be expressing for 4 months and even now it makes me cry to think about it.

Sometimes gloating about your brastfeeding success is extremely unhelpful.To all my friends that are having babies and ask me about breastfeeding, I say that it will probably be easy and fine but be aware that sometimes things go wrong, and they need to be informed and prepared.