to hate breastfeeding my baby

[FeelLikeTweedleDee]

It's supposed to be nurturing and an amazing bonding experience. But I despise breastfeeding. I'm one of those malcontent mothers who breastfeed out of duty alone. When I read about mothers who enjoy breastfeeding and who feel sad when their child self-weans I feel like sectioning them.

10 Things I Hate About Breastfeeding:

1. THE PAIN. They say "if it hurts you're doing it wrong". That's one of the many breastfeeding bluffs you'll hear at antenatal classes (don't want to scare off all the new expectant mothers do we?) Well it hurts me and I've had my latch checked by a thousand professionals. Also I've had thrush. Also I have a very strong let-down reflex. Considering the let-down reflex is normal, and indeed essential, then it's safe to say that breastfeeding hurts and I'm doing it RIGHT.

1. YOUR BODY IS OWNED BY OTHERS. All through your pregnancy you console yourself by saying "I can't wait to give birth, then I can have my body back to myself". WRONG. As a breastfeeding mother, your baby continues to have dibs on your body.

1. THE HUMILIATION. Aside from imprisoning themselves in their home for 2 years, breastfeeding mothers have to face the humiliation of breastfeeding in public. Every Tom, Dick and Harry can get a view of your baps. Some may even decide to comment as you sit there and flop an udder out. So not only does your body belong to your baby, it also belongs to the general public too. You may as well sign on the dotted line because ownership ain't yours anymore.

1. LIMITED WARDROBE. Because someone else owns your body, that means that you have to dress to their tastes. Chest access is key. Say goodbye to that inseason lacy bodysuit you've had your eye on. Say goodbye to most dresses actually. Say hello to Primark vest tops and masculine shirts. Joy.

1. FORMULA CULTURE. Most people give up breastfeeding after a few weeks. Thus we live in a formula culture. Bottles are everywhere. On Congratulations cards, in soaps, in children's books, on babygros. The result is that most people (your close family included) think that by breasstfeeding you have changed into a strange earth-mother type, and maybe even slightly pervy. And of course you're the only BFing mother at your babygroup.

1. MRS MARTYR. As a breastfeeding mother you are soley responsible for your baby's continued existence on the plannet. Only you can feed baby. (It's understandable why a lot of new dad's support breastfeeding these days!) Welcome to the world of lonely midnight feeds. Welcome to your partner going for drinks down the pub whilst you stay at home, udders at the ready. But what about expressing I hear you say? For most women the breastpump extracts 3oz. As baby grows she'll want more than that. You make an appointment with your doc but she won't prescribe anything to increase your supply. Time to pop to Holland and Barrett to get some Fenugreek herbs. As a result you end up smelling of curry. Your FFing friends at the babygroup avoid your side of the mat.

1. SO-CALLED "PROFESSIONALS". Health visitors, midwives, GPs, breastfeeding counsellors - they don't know shit about breastfeeding. But they will love to mindfuck you with conflicting info. "Your breasts have dried up because the pump isn't getting much out". "Just top up with formula, it's fine". "Don't bother feeding past 6 months". Because this is your first time breastfeeding you don't know any better. You trust these professionals. As time passes you notice that a lot of what they have instructed you to do has actually sabotaged your BFing efforts. You swear that you'll learn from these mistakes for your next child. But what about your poor first child - the breastfeeding guinea pig.

1. GROWTH SPURTS. Every month or so you're going to hit one of these bad boys. You'll be constantly feeing every 1-2 hours. No sooner have you clipped your bra cup back up then your baby demands its next meal. If you were on formula you would simply increase the volume of feed and hand it over to dad/grandma/sister in law/the dog. Also because baby is feeding so frequently you worry that your milk is not enough, and you can't see exactily how much milk your baby is getting. Are you STARVING your baby? Dark throughts creep into the back of your mind. The old lady in the post office gives you evils as your baby screams the place down. "Baby needs her bottle" the old lady comments, tutting and shaking her head. You begin to wonder if she's right.

1. MONITORED INTAKE. Really looking forward to several double vodkas after giving birth weren't you? After 9 months of t-totalism, a big blow out was just what you needed. Well tough titties. And that medication for your acne? Say goodbye to it and hello to a face that resembles those Cath Kidston pokerdotted handbags.

10. YOU HAVE NO CHOICE. A large part of motherhood is about making the right choices for your family. Stay at home - go to work, co-sleeping or seperate rooms, dummy or no dummy. And breastfeeding or formula feeding is one of those choices right? WRONG. you have no choice. From the moment of conception we are bombarded with "breast is best". The scientists and the government have made your choice for you. Afterall, you want to do what's best for your child, right? (How can you answer no to that question and not live with guilt).

fwiw I never really enjoyed bfing DD but was gutted when she self-weaned DS is 12 weeks and it's just starting to get better. It does get better im(very limited)e and the 3mth growth spurt was the worst, don't think DS has hit it yet...

YANBU. I never felt like it was very bonding at all. Free, healthy and very annoying more like. I used to sit there feeling so pissed off when I did it, it never hurt I just didn't like the random-ness of it

Actually it wasn't that cheap in the end as we ate M&S ready meals every day as I never had time to cook, so not that cheap!

YANBU - I gave up and still feel guilty now. I agree with much of what you've said.

I had a small gap between my first two and watched as a toddler destroyed the living room and I was glued to the sofa with the baby trying to breast feed.

I got insomnia and then depression.

I said to friends that breast fed how I wished I could have done the same. Most of them said they did it because they were too lazy to FF and it was as easy as falling off a log.

Growth spurts are hard, my lo just finished his 3month one and now i think he is teething already.

I found people who loved being pg odd - I hated it - but I guess we are all different.

I felt a little cheated when I bf my first because I'd been told about this lovely bonding experience and it just wasn't - she wasn't interested in me at all - but it got easier and I ended feeding her until she was 2.
I am now feeding my second and I won't stop because it seems so much easier than formula, not to mention cheaper - I dont have to wash and sterilise bottles, I don't have to worry about lugging bottles of sterile water around with me, at 3am I don't have to even get out of bed if ds needs a feed. Travelling with dd became much trickier once she stopped breastfeeding. It would instantly calm her and often send her to sleep.

As for feeding in public - no one sees much of my boobs - and I personally think the sight of a bfeeding mother is beautiful.

But really if you are feeling rubbish about it stop - don't feel bad, feeding our children is just one aspect of mothering, it amazes me that we get so judgy about it. I know of no adult who has an opinion about whether their mother bf or ff.

[waves at *wonderstuff] haven't seen you for ages!

Sorry you feel like this FLTD. It is horrible to hate doing something that you feel you have to do.

I would say, though, that you have the ultimate choice here. Stop bfing if you really really hate it that much. Your resentment at having to do it will filter through and, if it didn't, you would be a screaming wreck after however many months you chose to bf for.

I bf'd my DS. I had a hard time getting it right and my DS was a greedy little tyke (nothing has changed there ). I had mastitis, cracked and bleeding nipples and a greedy child - it was hell for a while but we got through it. But that was me - my baby, my body, my choice. It is neither right nor wrong to bf or to ff - it is merely a choice and as such has to fit in with the rest of your life!

If you seriously think that whether you bf or ff will affect your childs' academic results then you are going to be sorely tested (and I would venture, disappointed) during the next god knows how many years.

Ease up on yourself - make a choice and be happy with it. Stop bfing if you really hate it or carry on but stop resenting doing it.

Nearly 5 weeks - I do hope it gets better at 7/8 weeks - thanks for that Fibilou.

Yes - there are things that can help with some of the issues you raise. Some of them are about attitude and some are more practical. But AIBU is probably not the place to get detailed help. There are some fantastic support organisations and some very knowledgable people on MN and other forums.

But it kind of looks as though you have made your mind up that there is no hope of things getting better.

It gets easier. Really it does. You've done the hardest bit.

I'm sorry you're so miserable. I hope some of this can help:

I would disagree about the pain; if it is hurting you this badly, still, then something is going on. Has she been checked for tongue tie? Where abouts is the pain, and what type? I had a rather painful let down too, and that eased off when DS was feeding more effectively, at about four months.

Your body kind of becomes singed over to your baby whether you breastfeed or not! Either way you are carrying them round, then as they get older you are being climbed on, then holding their hands to walk, then chasing after them...

Why are you ashamed of feeding in public? I don't understand why you see it as humiliating. Have you tried a breastfeeding cover / muslin / scarf if you feel that uncomfortable?

Clothing: You don't have to stick to masculine shirts. You can get some really nice feeding tops, or actually just wear any old top you like, with a vest underneath and go top up / top down.

I so agree with you about the formula culture. I was stared at earlier for breastfeeding whilst all the mothers around me were feeding their children bottles like I was some kind of crazy woman for not doing the "normal" thing. Can you go to a local breastfeeding group? It helped me once I knew some other breastfeeding mums knowing I wasn't the only woman in the city breastfeeding!

Again, once things are more established, and your baby starts sleeping a bit more at night, you can go out without expressing. And you can still have a few drinks.

I agree with what you have said about (most) health professionals. There are some really good midwives / health visitors / doctors / breastfeeding advisers out there, but finding them is difficult. But you obviously have read what you know to be true (EBF to six months, BF for two years min by WHO) and don't let anyone else tell you otherwise on this. Either smile sweetly, or correct them, depending how much they are pissing you off!

FF babies have growth spurts too. And from the mums I know who FF, I remember one of them saying to me - with huge bags under her eyes - what a nightmare last night had been because her DS had gobbled down so much milk, he then gave himself terrible wind, so burped, then threw some up, then was hungry again. Whereas I just laid down with DS and we both went to sleep. The last major growth spurt / sleep regression is four months, and its an evil bugger, but from that, its fine.

You can still drink when you're breastfeeding. Actually, the best time to have a drink is whilst you're breastfeeding, because by the time baby has finished their feed and is asleep, the first drink won't yet be in your milk, and they will be asleep for a few hours, so you can have another one (or five... ). No suggestion for the acne, but I found apple really good for my spots. Cut an apple in half and rub the flesh all over your face. It will feel weird and sticky (eww) but its good for clensing.

I get what you mean about point ten too. But I do think the Breast Is Best message does need to be put across, because I know a lot of people who are honestly convinced there is no difference between BF and FF.

You are doing fantastically well. I remember feeling just like you do now, looking at DS and thinking, "How the fuck am I going to reach six months, never mind two years?". I remember hating every time I needed to latch him on, I remember thinking "Oh, which of the three tops I can breastfeed in shall I wear out today...", I remember just wanting to go out and get pissed!

DS is a year old in three weeks, we're still going, and actually I realised a few months ago that I enjoyed feeding him. I enjoyed knowing I was still keeping him going, and that I should be really proud of us for getting as far as we have. There are still moments when I get frustrated with parts of feeding, but when I think about it more, it tends to be parts of parenting, not how I'm feeding him. The breastfeeding has come in mega handy recently whilst he has been ill and off his food, as I can be sure he is getting enough fluid and food from me.

You actually sound quite depressed to me - have you spoken to your HV or GP about PND?

Have a big hug from me, and once again, I promise - promise - it gets easier. x

Within that list are some of the reasons why I chose not to breastfeed.

I have absolutely no regrets whatsoever and I'm still happy with my decision 15 and nearly 14 years later. If the OP really isn't happy with hers I suggest she stops breastfeeding rather than complains about it!

Hey with the limited wardrobe thing, why don't you buy a cheapo primarni vest, cut out holes for yr 'udders' to hang out and then wear whatever lovely top you want over the top. You know have the option of pulling it up with bit more coverage going on.

You'll still be splattered in sick mind

I was ashamed because I felt I had let my kid down. And I knew what was in the bottle.

Now I realise that I was the one who was let down by those around me - crap hcps, Mil, etc, etc.

Again though, I don't judge others as I know how hard it can be with lack of support. Also, non of my business!

This has made my day!!!

Cracks me up completely - as a BF mom to a 13 week DS i can so appreciate a lot of what you are saying - I have given myself a time limit of 6 months and then i'm going on to a follow on milk with weaning - we all need a light at the end of the tunnel...

How are you trying to express? Because I found that a manual pump was much more effective than an electric one and I also find having a picture in my head of the baby feeding helps me express more.

tweedledee - just be careful you don't ruin it for yourself, like i did with DS. i was SO obsessed with bf-ing, that i fed through constant pain. DS was colicky and clearly not getting a full feed each time, as he was constantly on the boob. i hated every feed - cried with the pain all day and all night for 3 months. and then i cracked.

a visit to the GP later and a prescription for a/d's and I then expressed every feed until he was 12 months old. every single bloody feed. i was a slave to the bump.

i was embarrassed that i couldn't feed him on the boob. and embarrassed that i had failed. and i stuck with that pump until he was old enough to have cow's milk.

but i ruined it for myself. i was so depressed; so anxious; so desperate not to fail. in that respect, i understand your perfectionist thing. what happened if i ff'd him and he then got eczema or asthma... i would never forgive myself.

but it wrecked the whole experience of his baby months for me, and i had no perspective on anything.

please - don't do that to yourself...

remember that, in the not too distant future, your baby will be a wilful 2 year old who will refuse to eat anything all day apart from a plate full of biscuits at babygroup and the cat's dried food. you will then wonder WHY on earth you put yourself through this hell.

it's really NOT worth it if it is making you that unhappy. but i know you won't believe me right now. i wouldn't have when DS was 12 weeks old either.

sorry - pump not bump!!

OP, the thing that jumps out at me, is, feeling as you do, well done for breastfeeding for 3 months!

How I coped is; DH looks after me, since I'm looking after the baby. Breakfast in bed (or at least a cup of tea), passing me the remote and chocolate essential things while I'm breastfeeding, doing most of the housework, etc.
Also, for me, a lot of babywearing (a wrap sling), co sleeping and taking my babies along with me anywhere/everywhere (as I'm terrible at expressing) is how I survived the early months. Its different for everyone. I enjoy breastfeeding, apart from when I get mastitis, when I can't go places because of it (childfree weddings etc..), and the boring clothes.

Once your baby starts solids at 6 months, the gaps between feed really start spacing out, and it becomes a lot easier.

'Udders'.

FFS.

Is that meant to be black humour?

Or is it a sign of some pretty horrible low self-esteem?

If you really, really think like your post, OP, and you're not just grandstanding, then you get get help for the problems you outline, or give yourself time and patience to feel better, or just stop, if you think that would make you feel better (or less bad, at any rate).

If it makes you feel so bad I honestly think you should stop, or at least go to mix-feeding. It could end up sabotaging your bond with your baby, which is much more important than feeding. Formula is not poison, plenty of us were brought up on it, noone is going to give you a medal for BF.

I do see where you're coming from though, I'm still BF my 4mo and there are days when I can't wait for it to end! I really don't find it humiliating though, and you shouldn't either. But most of the time I love it, which is why I carry on, but if you don't then don't feel bad. 3 months is still a great achievement imo!

Tweedle

I never felt as strongly as this about it but do see where you are coming from.

You might find once you have given up you miss it though.

My DD (16 months) was in that position the other day and a sudden wistfulness came over me and I wished I was still feeding her ... or rather, I wished she was still little enough for me to be feeding her!

Just stop then. No one will shoot you and your baby will be fine.

you have already done 3 months which is fantastic... i did 5 weeks and was pleased with that as I knew DD had been given the best start. i stopped as she wasn;t getting enough and also because i could not get used to the toe-curling pain. If i felt guilty, i told myself that at least i had done 5 weeks of it, better than nothing. this was all fine until I had my booking appt with MW last week (preg with dc2) and she asked about BF with DD1. I felt guilty saying i had 'only' done 5 weeks. I'd forgotten how pro-BF the MW's are (and also how pro-bloody-home-birthing they are!).
I think that if you are a happy, relaxed and content mother, your baby will be happy, relaxed and content too. DD2 thrived on formula and is now 14 months old, full time at nursery and very happy and healthy.
stop giving yourself a hard time, you have to look after yourself as well as the baby and you have already done a great job with BF. From what you say, you'll be happier if you stop as long as you can give yourself a break and not feel guilty. it works for some and not for others.

Brilliant post! I felt exactly the same with my DS - feeding DD was easy, and looking back, I was so smug about it at the time. But I was maybe just lucky - DS had such a strong suck and I hated it a lot of the time. He got bottles as well from 3 weeks, but I could never get much out with a pump with either baby.
We should all remember that everyone has a different experience, as well as a different baby.