to hate breastfeeding my baby

[FeelLikeTweedleDee]

It's supposed to be nurturing and an amazing bonding experience. But I despise breastfeeding. I'm one of those malcontent mothers who breastfeed out of duty alone. When I read about mothers who enjoy breastfeeding and who feel sad when their child self-weans I feel like sectioning them.

10 Things I Hate About Breastfeeding:

1. THE PAIN. They say "if it hurts you're doing it wrong". That's one of the many breastfeeding bluffs you'll hear at antenatal classes (don't want to scare off all the new expectant mothers do we?) Well it hurts me and I've had my latch checked by a thousand professionals. Also I've had thrush. Also I have a very strong let-down reflex. Considering the let-down reflex is normal, and indeed essential, then it's safe to say that breastfeeding hurts and I'm doing it RIGHT.

1. YOUR BODY IS OWNED BY OTHERS. All through your pregnancy you console yourself by saying "I can't wait to give birth, then I can have my body back to myself". WRONG. As a breastfeeding mother, your baby continues to have dibs on your body.

1. THE HUMILIATION. Aside from imprisoning themselves in their home for 2 years, breastfeeding mothers have to face the humiliation of breastfeeding in public. Every Tom, Dick and Harry can get a view of your baps. Some may even decide to comment as you sit there and flop an udder out. So not only does your body belong to your baby, it also belongs to the general public too. You may as well sign on the dotted line because ownership ain't yours anymore.

1. LIMITED WARDROBE. Because someone else owns your body, that means that you have to dress to their tastes. Chest access is key. Say goodbye to that inseason lacy bodysuit you've had your eye on. Say goodbye to most dresses actually. Say hello to Primark vest tops and masculine shirts. Joy.

1. FORMULA CULTURE. Most people give up breastfeeding after a few weeks. Thus we live in a formula culture. Bottles are everywhere. On Congratulations cards, in soaps, in children's books, on babygros. The result is that most people (your close family included) think that by breasstfeeding you have changed into a strange earth-mother type, and maybe even slightly pervy. And of course you're the only BFing mother at your babygroup.

1. MRS MARTYR. As a breastfeeding mother you are soley responsible for your baby's continued existence on the plannet. Only you can feed baby. (It's understandable why a lot of new dad's support breastfeeding these days!) Welcome to the world of lonely midnight feeds. Welcome to your partner going for drinks down the pub whilst you stay at home, udders at the ready. But what about expressing I hear you say? For most women the breastpump extracts 3oz. As baby grows she'll want more than that. You make an appointment with your doc but she won't prescribe anything to increase your supply. Time to pop to Holland and Barrett to get some Fenugreek herbs. As a result you end up smelling of curry. Your FFing friends at the babygroup avoid your side of the mat.

1. SO-CALLED "PROFESSIONALS". Health visitors, midwives, GPs, breastfeeding counsellors - they don't know shit about breastfeeding. But they will love to mindfuck you with conflicting info. "Your breasts have dried up because the pump isn't getting much out". "Just top up with formula, it's fine". "Don't bother feeding past 6 months". Because this is your first time breastfeeding you don't know any better. You trust these professionals. As time passes you notice that a lot of what they have instructed you to do has actually sabotaged your BFing efforts. You swear that you'll learn from these mistakes for your next child. But what about your poor first child - the breastfeeding guinea pig.

1. GROWTH SPURTS. Every month or so you're going to hit one of these bad boys. You'll be constantly feeing every 1-2 hours. No sooner have you clipped your bra cup back up then your baby demands its next meal. If you were on formula you would simply increase the volume of feed and hand it over to dad/grandma/sister in law/the dog. Also because baby is feeding so frequently you worry that your milk is not enough, and you can't see exactily how much milk your baby is getting. Are you STARVING your baby? Dark throughts creep into the back of your mind. The old lady in the post office gives you evils as your baby screams the place down. "Baby needs her bottle" the old lady comments, tutting and shaking her head. You begin to wonder if she's right.

1. MONITORED INTAKE. Really looking forward to several double vodkas after giving birth weren't you? After 9 months of t-totalism, a big blow out was just what you needed. Well tough titties. And that medication for your acne? Say goodbye to it and hello to a face that resembles those Cath Kidston pokerdotted handbags.

10. YOU HAVE NO CHOICE. A large part of motherhood is about making the right choices for your family. Stay at home - go to work, co-sleeping or seperate rooms, dummy or no dummy. And breastfeeding or formula feeding is one of those choices right? WRONG. you have no choice. From the moment of conception we are bombarded with "breast is best". The scientists and the government have made your choice for you. Afterall, you want to do what's best for your child, right? (How can you answer no to that question and not live with guilt).

YANBU

i felt exactly the same, hated bf. found it exhausting, got mastitis, nipples bled no matter how much i tried to correct baby's latch. the sensation was just uncomfortable.

let-down was almost painful! i found it difficult to have my own space. left dd for one day and night once when she was four months old, left expressed bm for her but didn't plan on the engorgement that would happen when i didn't bf all day. horrible, horrible day.

still, i persevered because i really felt strongly that it was the best thing for her. i didn't complain, i didn't resent it and i never told people how difficult i found it. i did it til thirteen months. it was the most difficult thing i have ever done! still, i'm glad i did it. we are all grown-ups and can make these decisions, never feel guilted into anything.

Dunno why you're wearing 'masculine' shirts and vests. I am currently sporting a nice lacy top from Coast and a fetching red lace bra.

Dd is a year old and I'm just trying to cut down on feeds a bit now. I feed in public, nobody has ever said anything.

This shit is all in your head. Let go.

Would you be happy in 3 months' time that you packed it in when you did? Or is there an underlying problem that you're pinning on bf but which won't be solved by its cessation?

I'm amazed that, feeling as you do, you have managed to continue for as long as you have. I gave up bf DS1 very early on and, yes, did live with a LOT of guilt for a while (interestingly, I perceived there to be about 90% bf mothers out there).

I agree with whoever said that you need to watch out for your perfectionistic tendencies - I know of what I speak ......

I think you've done really well to carry on. I never found it anything like that bad, but I also never found it hurt at all. (Labour, now... effing ooooow. It's just not fair, really.) I loved bf, really, because a. I had the 7-volume set of Buffy the Vampire Slayer b. I knew I was doing what I was supposed to be doing c. I had a brillinat nursing dress that I really liked, swirly leaopardskin print, and a black bf-friendly sling, and I felt quite glamourous, nor could anyone catch so much as a flash of tit.

Totally sympathise!

Lots of v po-faced responses though.

Was JUST commenting to dh today that the vision I had of breastfeeding while pg was not anything like the reality of bf-ing my 5month old who is, even as we speak, growling, grabbing my nipple with her fingernails and trying to force it into her mouth manually seemingly in an effort to hurt me as much as humanly possible.

In about an hour she'll start the real business of the evening which is sucking for ten seconds then coming off and screaming for ten and repeating this until with no warning she falls asleep mid-scream. Bless her. :)

Nobody can argue that's the way you feel, but I have breastfed 4 children for a long time and I love every minute of it.

I am afraid I can't relate to ANY of your experiences and I would like to say that there are a lot of women out there who, like me, actually enjoyed breastfeeding.

But we are all different - some women love being pregnant and I hated it, so there :o)

Just don't do it then and stop being a martyr.
I ff fed my first because I found BF difficult, I BF my second because I then found BF easy.
No stress.
oh and 'flop an udder out', yuck.

Well done OP for getting this far - particularly when you have had such a rough time. I also had a rough start, but ended up bfing my children from 2.10 years and 2.4 years. At times I loved it and at times I hated it as much as you do. I miss it now.

I went back to work full time when they were 5 months and moved to mixed feeding during the week. Would this be an option for you? I know it can affect supply, but this isn't necessarily the case (wasn't for me - I always fed the DS's myself whenever I was around - i.e. at weekends). Also, once your DC is on solids in 2 or 3 months, you will feel a bit freer.

The let down reflex does ease off eventually - in my case at around 5 months.

Please do not feel guilty whatever you decide about feeding. We all make compromises and no child has a perfect, obeys-all-guidelines upbringing (fortunately for them!)

Good luck

I must live in some parallel universe because I never, ever had any grief from people when i fed ds, never felt housebound and never felt that I was particularly limited in terms of what I could wear. Nor did the rest of my (NHS) antenatal gang.

Unless things have changed massively over the past decade, then those reasons are utter bollocks.

Of course if you hate bf-ing then stop. But do be aware that a lot of the PITA you describe are baby, not breastfeeding related.

YANBU to feel this way

YABU to make out that everyone else should also feel this way (using generic 'you' instead of 'I')

your points repeat breastfeeding myths - special wardrobe required (unless you wear high-necked dresses whilst schlepping about the house?) - no booze (why not? so long as you're not too pissed to handle the baby) etc etc - humiliation ('imprisonment'??Wtf? ). -

YANBU to feel this way.

Your list is actually quite truthful and funny if you read it in a 'tongue in cheek' way.

I am sorry you are having a difficult time, don't continue if it is making you feel so miserable.

I do think you have a talent for writing though!

If you don't want to do it don't do it! They are your breasts, your baby, your decision!

I am one of those insane women who enjoys breastfeeding and will happily get my tits out in public to feed ds but I haven't had any of the problems you've encountered and I'd probably feel different if I had. You've done well to continue for 3 months xx

In fairness I don't think anything about this post either reads that OP thinks others 'should' feel this way OR that she is considering stopping. She's just saying that she knows it's the best thing but that it's HARD. That's pretty reasonable isn't it?

The OP writes like a journalist for 'Heat' or 'More' and for that reason alone I'd say she was unreasonable.

HOWEVER...

point 1 - Yes it hurts at first. They should tell us. But after the first 2 to 3 months it doesn't and it is a lot easier than making up bottles.

1. Your body is not 'owned' by anyone except you. You choose whether or not to breastfeed.

1. It's easy to BF discreetly in public (scarve/breastfeeding tops) and after 6 months they don't feed anywhere near as frequently.

1. Bollocks. You have no imagination. There are loads of lovely things you can wear whilst breastfeeding. I wore (off the top of my head) a Chloe smock, a beautiful silk button through shirt dress, cashmere cardigans over pretty tops,yadda yadda when I wanted to look nice but most of the time that wasn't my top priority.

1. Bollocks. Not where I am.

6.Plan ahead and freeze a little bit every day if you can't express that much. I found I could express a lot more if I fed the baby with the other boob/thought lovely thoughts about him.

OK going to watch university challenge. Will be back.

Number 10 -of course you have a choice and if you really don't like it then don't do it.

Maybe I'm completely naive but I read it as the OP needing to have a good ol' rant about something and went for it on AIBU because that's the best place for a rant.
On friday I was wandering through the park listening to DS scream in my ear and I started thinking about what hedge would be best to leave him under. Had I had internet access and posted something to that effect it would have sounded awful. Of course I'd never leave DS under a hedge but after 3.5 hours of solid crying these thoughts randomly pop up and voicing them is a way of dealing with them and realising just how committed you are to what you're actually doing.

is there really such thing as an 'inseason lacy bodysuit'?

sounds vile to me. and who wears one of those postnatally without getting a UTI .... if it was fairly low cut, you can still BF whilst wearing it though.

well, don't then...

Ah Chulita - which hedge. Lol (rather than calling social services). :)

edgar you can get them with 'peephole' which is purrfect for bfing.
dialM

oh just get on with it and stop complaining. It's called motherhood and you have to make sacrifices.

Almost all of the points above, other than the utterly shallow ones like bottles on cards (FFS poor you, how ARE you coping) are more to do with motherhood than breastfeeding.
The professionals would still be as shit, growth spurts would still happen - but instead of spending the day in bed reading and cuddling your wee one you'll be treking to the fridge and microwave, getting pished when you're likely to be up at 6 is still a pretty rubbish idea, your toddler will still do something to humiliate you, your life - and therefore your body - would still be ruled by the baby at least for a while, if you're the main carer the pressure will still be largely on you, your wardrobe would be ruled by what goes with puke anyway... I could go on. I think you're making breastfeeding the whipping boy for lots of other issues you have with motherhood right now. And I would take issue with the pain thing, simply for the fact that you could scare other mums-to-be if you haven't already and I don't think that's fair, or accurate, other than for the first week or so no one I know suffered from that - infact breastfeeding produces lovely fuzzy endorphins which help you bond and fall swiftly asleep after night feeds. Which is why I'm still doing it now 14 months on and it's my favourite bit of the day. Am sorry you're having a bad day but I don't think this rant and the responses you're going to get will help with this. While you're keeping things in perspective have you thought of adoption? :)

You are either Denise Van Outen or you are one brave motherfucker (or both).

I salute you for your honesty. It will actually help a lot of new mums on here.