to hate breastfeeding my baby

[FeelLikeTweedleDee]

It's supposed to be nurturing and an amazing bonding experience. But I despise breastfeeding. I'm one of those malcontent mothers who breastfeed out of duty alone. When I read about mothers who enjoy breastfeeding and who feel sad when their child self-weans I feel like sectioning them.

10 Things I Hate About Breastfeeding:

1. THE PAIN. They say "if it hurts you're doing it wrong". That's one of the many breastfeeding bluffs you'll hear at antenatal classes (don't want to scare off all the new expectant mothers do we?) Well it hurts me and I've had my latch checked by a thousand professionals. Also I've had thrush. Also I have a very strong let-down reflex. Considering the let-down reflex is normal, and indeed essential, then it's safe to say that breastfeeding hurts and I'm doing it RIGHT.

1. YOUR BODY IS OWNED BY OTHERS. All through your pregnancy you console yourself by saying "I can't wait to give birth, then I can have my body back to myself". WRONG. As a breastfeeding mother, your baby continues to have dibs on your body.

1. THE HUMILIATION. Aside from imprisoning themselves in their home for 2 years, breastfeeding mothers have to face the humiliation of breastfeeding in public. Every Tom, Dick and Harry can get a view of your baps. Some may even decide to comment as you sit there and flop an udder out. So not only does your body belong to your baby, it also belongs to the general public too. You may as well sign on the dotted line because ownership ain't yours anymore.

1. LIMITED WARDROBE. Because someone else owns your body, that means that you have to dress to their tastes. Chest access is key. Say goodbye to that inseason lacy bodysuit you've had your eye on. Say goodbye to most dresses actually. Say hello to Primark vest tops and masculine shirts. Joy.

1. FORMULA CULTURE. Most people give up breastfeeding after a few weeks. Thus we live in a formula culture. Bottles are everywhere. On Congratulations cards, in soaps, in children's books, on babygros. The result is that most people (your close family included) think that by breasstfeeding you have changed into a strange earth-mother type, and maybe even slightly pervy. And of course you're the only BFing mother at your babygroup.

1. MRS MARTYR. As a breastfeeding mother you are soley responsible for your baby's continued existence on the plannet. Only you can feed baby. (It's understandable why a lot of new dad's support breastfeeding these days!) Welcome to the world of lonely midnight feeds. Welcome to your partner going for drinks down the pub whilst you stay at home, udders at the ready. But what about expressing I hear you say? For most women the breastpump extracts 3oz. As baby grows she'll want more than that. You make an appointment with your doc but she won't prescribe anything to increase your supply. Time to pop to Holland and Barrett to get some Fenugreek herbs. As a result you end up smelling of curry. Your FFing friends at the babygroup avoid your side of the mat.

1. SO-CALLED "PROFESSIONALS". Health visitors, midwives, GPs, breastfeeding counsellors - they don't know shit about breastfeeding. But they will love to mindfuck you with conflicting info. "Your breasts have dried up because the pump isn't getting much out". "Just top up with formula, it's fine". "Don't bother feeding past 6 months". Because this is your first time breastfeeding you don't know any better. You trust these professionals. As time passes you notice that a lot of what they have instructed you to do has actually sabotaged your BFing efforts. You swear that you'll learn from these mistakes for your next child. But what about your poor first child - the breastfeeding guinea pig.

1. GROWTH SPURTS. Every month or so you're going to hit one of these bad boys. You'll be constantly feeing every 1-2 hours. No sooner have you clipped your bra cup back up then your baby demands its next meal. If you were on formula you would simply increase the volume of feed and hand it over to dad/grandma/sister in law/the dog. Also because baby is feeding so frequently you worry that your milk is not enough, and you can't see exactily how much milk your baby is getting. Are you STARVING your baby? Dark throughts creep into the back of your mind. The old lady in the post office gives you evils as your baby screams the place down. "Baby needs her bottle" the old lady comments, tutting and shaking her head. You begin to wonder if she's right.

1. MONITORED INTAKE. Really looking forward to several double vodkas after giving birth weren't you? After 9 months of t-totalism, a big blow out was just what you needed. Well tough titties. And that medication for your acne? Say goodbye to it and hello to a face that resembles those Cath Kidston pokerdotted handbags.

10. YOU HAVE NO CHOICE. A large part of motherhood is about making the right choices for your family. Stay at home - go to work, co-sleeping or seperate rooms, dummy or no dummy. And breastfeeding or formula feeding is one of those choices right? WRONG. you have no choice. From the moment of conception we are bombarded with "breast is best". The scientists and the government have made your choice for you. Afterall, you want to do what's best for your child, right? (How can you answer no to that question and not live with guilt).

[disclaimer} I only read the first page of responses.

YANBU - very funny OP!

I breastfed exclusively for a year, stopping at 16 months. I didn't enjoy it - always found it painful/painful to start with then boring the rest of the time. I didn't give up [martyr emoticon] because I wanted the best for my child, and was luckily able to provide that, even if I didn't particularly enjoy it.

I had great plans to BF discretely in public places with a shawl casually thrown over my shoulder...I didn't bank on DD being the noisiest feeder ever...sounded like a pig at the trough and I hated it. There's no dignity in motherhood, but hey - you signed up for it and that phase passes relatively quickly.

I hope the rant got some frustration off your chest. Don't listen to the sourpusses.. [hgrin]

There are so many 'angry' people on here saying why not just stop but don't they get that the reason you don't is because you are putting your baby's needs first which is a brilliant thing. It's a shame more mums don't feel like you and persevere with bf because it is, in most cases, best for baby!

I completely agree with you.
I felt completely the same way. except i wasnt the only mum breastfeeding in postnatal group but i was probably the only mum who hated it.
never gave it up like everyone is suggesting because i felt that the whole world would be judging me and that would make me a crap mum and hormones were raging my body making me completely irrational.
now that i have stopped and DS is 16 months i wonder why i didnt just stop but weirdly i want another baby to BF because i miss it.

Isn't that just one of the biggest Paradoxes in the Universe: disliking BFing and then being sad when it is over ?? That's me, every time

My DH's sibs were both raised on Carnation Milk (about 50 years ago) because 'they had mucus on the tummy' - what on earth does that even mean?

MsKalo - indeed. Just because I hate breastfeeding doesn't mean that I'm going to jump ship and put my needs before my baby's.

And generally, Id like to address the whole "Happy mum - happy baby" concept...

I call bullshit on this one. The premise is that if mum is stressed/bored/resentful then baby will somehow be damaged by this. Well seeing as babies don't have much in the way of memory before 2 years, its safe to say the damage is minimal.

However the damage of ending the breastfeeding relationship would be more severe and longlasting.

"Happy mum - happy baby" is spouted by some mothers to make console themselves. I would think conepts like this misinformed one are the final push some mothers need to give up BFing.

i loathed it too - mostly the pain and the fact that my DS wanted to feed every 2 hours, day and night. Thought I was going mad until i bit the bullet one day and made up some formula - the relief!!! Never looked back. He's 11 now, his FF-fed brother's 9 and I honestly can't even remember the last time I thought about/talked about/was asked how I fed them in the earlier days. There are far bigger decisions and issues ahead! One of the things the BF police never tell you is that FF-fed babies just sleep better, earlier, and for me, sleep was sanity.

FeellikeTweddleDee - yes you are a saint. All these awful ffing mothers you know are bitches. Evil selfish BITCHES.
What an amazing martyr you make.
That what you wanted to hear?

YANBU regarding hating breastfeeding.

BUT, it's quite scary that you seem to think a child can't be emotionally damaged before the age of two.

With regard to women who "cant" breastfeed.

Throughout my pregnancy I had random women telling me that they couldn't breastfeed (MIL, SIL, hairdresser). It really spooked me out. I was genuinely worried that I wouldn't be able to breastfeed too.

Then later on I did some research and, hold on, only 2% of women CANT breastfeed. So why did I keep bumping into that 2%? Something was fishy. I call bullshit and lack of perseverence.

WOWY: I said minimal damage compared with the damaged caused by giving up breastfeeding. It's a case of risk assessment.

Really??? It is better to have an emotionally scarred baby than a ff baby? Get real.

How does mother hating breastfeeding = emotionally scarred child?

I call bullshit on this one. The premise is that if mum is stressed/bored/resentful then baby will somehow be damaged by this. Well seeing as babies don't have much in the way of memory before 2 years, its safe to say the damage is minimal. However the damage of ending the breastfeeding relationship would be more severe and longlasting."Happy mum - happy baby" is spouted by some mothers to make console themselves. I would think conepts like this misinformed one are the final push some mothers need to give up BFing.

I disagree with this and think that doing something for your child that you hate doing when there is an alternative is much more damaging. We disagree.
On the bf ing pov it is just a difference of opinion.
I think your statement that any damage before the age of 2 is minimal would be disputed by many leading experts.

"I call bullshit and lack of perseverence."

Wow, you're a real charmer, aren't you?

From memory that figure only covers women who physically do not produce milk. It doesn't cover people who encounter problems that they simply aren't able to solve because they don't have the right support.

Or people like me with babies who have a tongue tie which the midwife has dismissed

I know bfeeding is not for everyone, if you have actually started to hate it, perhaps its just not for you, and there is nothing wrong with that.
I wish i could have bf i was devastated my milk stopped all together (turned out there was a medical reason behind it though)

Good luck whatever you do, make sure its the best choice for you and baby, no one else!

I'm really not sure your thinking on this is very clear:

"I said minimal damage compared with the damaged caused by giving up breastfeeding. It's a case of risk assessment."

Very many people are very healthy despite never having been breastfed - "the damage caused by giving up breastfeeding" is very hard to quantify. Yes, not breastfeeding has an affect on populations but I don't think even the staunchest supporter of breastfeeding would claim that giving up breastfeeding automatically causes damage in every baby.

"The premise is that if mum is stressed/bored/resentful then baby will somehow be damaged by this"

When I was trying to bf my DD it became the most all consuming, stressful, hideous thing. She fought me at the breast every feed, wouldn't latch well, on-off-on-off, bleeding, pain, gazillions of professionals checking my boobs, then got deep breast thrush. I was crying all the time, couldn't go out coz I couldn't feed while out, dreaded every feed, it consumed everything. When I finally expressed some milk and gave her a bottle it was utter relief for both of us. After a few weeks I gradually decreased EBM and increased formula. I was happy, I could be her mum, play with her, wasn't crying all the time, we went out and had fun and started to actually build a relationship. Much happier mum, much more settled baby.

Oh dear, the thread had settled down so nicely after a minor bunfight

Having intensely disliked BFing and having had lots of problems similar to what Capppuccino describes above (as I have stated above repeatedly but I think the length of the thread is such that only those of a very robust constitution will have read all of it at this point), I still think it is very interesting and food for thought that there simply are next to no BFing problems in societies where BFing the norm (or the only way to feed an infant).

I feel very sad and admittedly at times angry, that we as a society have lost this 'BFing culture' for lack of a better word. And the extended family/community that used to be available for the support of new mothers/babies.
It takes a village to raise a child.

withorwithoutyou - FF babies have more illness, etc. That's a measurable negative yes? However how do we measure the negative effect on my baby caused by the fact I hate breastfeeding? I still bond with her by playing, snuggling, bathing and singing to her - I just hate the BFing experience. I refuse to accept that me giving up BFing would be more positive for my baby. I'm still interested in your comment though. Could you ellaborate further?

PW - I blame capitalism. Breastfeeding doesn't make money.

FeelLikeTweedleDee top post. I completely agree with you, but I would still say that the benefits of BF outweigh everything youve said.

(I exclusively BF my two for 12 months and 9 months respectively. The second one I gave up when he started to bite me!)

I would also add the embarrassment and discomfort of leaking everywhere, the annoyance of men staring at your norks when you BF in public, and the time and hassle to express milk after returning to work.

It's really difficult to converse with someone who only seems capable of seeing things in black and white.

I'll try and explain it again:

'Damage' is not a foregone conclusion with ff. Many babies are formula fed and do not go onto contract gastroenteritis, develop allergies, become obese etc etc.

So for that reason I don't believe that it's correct to speak about " the damage caused by giving up breastfeeding" as though it's a definite, quantifiable thing.

Yes, ff babies are more likely to experience those health issues than b/fed babies - but that's not the same thing as saying that "giving up breastfeeding causes damage".