to hate breastfeeding my baby

[FeelLikeTweedleDee]

It's supposed to be nurturing and an amazing bonding experience. But I despise breastfeeding. I'm one of those malcontent mothers who breastfeed out of duty alone. When I read about mothers who enjoy breastfeeding and who feel sad when their child self-weans I feel like sectioning them.

10 Things I Hate About Breastfeeding:

1. THE PAIN. They say "if it hurts you're doing it wrong". That's one of the many breastfeeding bluffs you'll hear at antenatal classes (don't want to scare off all the new expectant mothers do we?) Well it hurts me and I've had my latch checked by a thousand professionals. Also I've had thrush. Also I have a very strong let-down reflex. Considering the let-down reflex is normal, and indeed essential, then it's safe to say that breastfeeding hurts and I'm doing it RIGHT.

1. YOUR BODY IS OWNED BY OTHERS. All through your pregnancy you console yourself by saying "I can't wait to give birth, then I can have my body back to myself". WRONG. As a breastfeeding mother, your baby continues to have dibs on your body.

1. THE HUMILIATION. Aside from imprisoning themselves in their home for 2 years, breastfeeding mothers have to face the humiliation of breastfeeding in public. Every Tom, Dick and Harry can get a view of your baps. Some may even decide to comment as you sit there and flop an udder out. So not only does your body belong to your baby, it also belongs to the general public too. You may as well sign on the dotted line because ownership ain't yours anymore.

1. LIMITED WARDROBE. Because someone else owns your body, that means that you have to dress to their tastes. Chest access is key. Say goodbye to that inseason lacy bodysuit you've had your eye on. Say goodbye to most dresses actually. Say hello to Primark vest tops and masculine shirts. Joy.

1. FORMULA CULTURE. Most people give up breastfeeding after a few weeks. Thus we live in a formula culture. Bottles are everywhere. On Congratulations cards, in soaps, in children's books, on babygros. The result is that most people (your close family included) think that by breasstfeeding you have changed into a strange earth-mother type, and maybe even slightly pervy. And of course you're the only BFing mother at your babygroup.

1. MRS MARTYR. As a breastfeeding mother you are soley responsible for your baby's continued existence on the plannet. Only you can feed baby. (It's understandable why a lot of new dad's support breastfeeding these days!) Welcome to the world of lonely midnight feeds. Welcome to your partner going for drinks down the pub whilst you stay at home, udders at the ready. But what about expressing I hear you say? For most women the breastpump extracts 3oz. As baby grows she'll want more than that. You make an appointment with your doc but she won't prescribe anything to increase your supply. Time to pop to Holland and Barrett to get some Fenugreek herbs. As a result you end up smelling of curry. Your FFing friends at the babygroup avoid your side of the mat.

1. SO-CALLED "PROFESSIONALS". Health visitors, midwives, GPs, breastfeeding counsellors - they don't know shit about breastfeeding. But they will love to mindfuck you with conflicting info. "Your breasts have dried up because the pump isn't getting much out". "Just top up with formula, it's fine". "Don't bother feeding past 6 months". Because this is your first time breastfeeding you don't know any better. You trust these professionals. As time passes you notice that a lot of what they have instructed you to do has actually sabotaged your BFing efforts. You swear that you'll learn from these mistakes for your next child. But what about your poor first child - the breastfeeding guinea pig.

1. GROWTH SPURTS. Every month or so you're going to hit one of these bad boys. You'll be constantly feeing every 1-2 hours. No sooner have you clipped your bra cup back up then your baby demands its next meal. If you were on formula you would simply increase the volume of feed and hand it over to dad/grandma/sister in law/the dog. Also because baby is feeding so frequently you worry that your milk is not enough, and you can't see exactily how much milk your baby is getting. Are you STARVING your baby? Dark throughts creep into the back of your mind. The old lady in the post office gives you evils as your baby screams the place down. "Baby needs her bottle" the old lady comments, tutting and shaking her head. You begin to wonder if she's right.

1. MONITORED INTAKE. Really looking forward to several double vodkas after giving birth weren't you? After 9 months of t-totalism, a big blow out was just what you needed. Well tough titties. And that medication for your acne? Say goodbye to it and hello to a face that resembles those Cath Kidston pokerdotted handbags.

10. YOU HAVE NO CHOICE. A large part of motherhood is about making the right choices for your family. Stay at home - go to work, co-sleeping or seperate rooms, dummy or no dummy. And breastfeeding or formula feeding is one of those choices right? WRONG. you have no choice. From the moment of conception we are bombarded with "breast is best". The scientists and the government have made your choice for you. Afterall, you want to do what's best for your child, right? (How can you answer no to that question and not live with guilt).

Tittybang. I don't actually have time today to trawl thru this thread and cut and paste examples, all I mean is that (and as I said imho) there is a particular TONE that BF advocates seem to take that is quite nannying and judgmental.

In a different context: I have never come accross anyone who was pressurised into FFing.

Maybe that is peculiar to me, but I have met several women who had immense trouble BFing, and were met with a stonewall of pressure from HC people.
I say "accept it" meaning accept she has the right to an alternative, not accept that she feels like shit.

Yes, it's a normal biological function, but peoples bodies do not always do what they are supposed to-as you point out.

Lets face it, in the past (and possibly in these BFing cultures that have been mentioned on this thread)if a woman could not do it, there would likely be another lactating woman to pass the baby to. That, or the baby would die I guess.
That is not the case here.

Tiktok:
You sound like my mother!! " You only feel guilty because you have something to feel guilty about!"
You're not my mother are you...?

There is such a load of self indulgent tripe posted on these boards on both sides of the debate by some not all.

I will be coming to the end of my breastfeeding experience soon dd 2 is 2 and I am hoping she will allow me to wean her off without too much hassle.

It is free it is freely available(for me fortunately) I am too lazy to mix formula so I don't - it was not the most difficult part of parenting - I will look back with affection but no regret. Didn't enjoy mastitis but child birth is pretty hardcore too.

Don't want to preach much better to educate and lead by example and hopefully my daughters will have a positive experience if they breastfeed. I cannot comment at all on FF as I have not experienced it - I am just very glad I did not have to do it as I just know I would have run out at stupid o'clock in the morning and the very thought of mixing bottles through the night exhausts me - really don't see ff as the easy option!

northernrock - bloody hell, I'm OUTED!!!

"In a different context: I have never come accross anyone who was pressurised into FFing."

Northernrock - I bf all 3 of my dc's, and intend to bf the next one. Each time, I have been heartily encouraged to stop after a few weeks. Do you need a few examples?

DS1 - 6 week check - Dr told me I'd gone as far as I could with regards to BFing, and said I should do him a favour, and give him a bottle like everyone else. (I can't even claim he was an old GP, past his prime - he was/is about my age, and had a baby the same age as mine at the time)

- nearly every visit to the HV - "you're doing brilliantly, but you need to think about yourself too, you know you don't have to feel guilty if you give him a bottle" and once we passed the 6m stage - "you're not doing him any favours, he needs follow on milk now, so he doesn't get ill"

I could go on and give you loads of examples for each of my dc, and I'm sure when the next one is born, I'll have more examples for you.

I don't think there's any denying that breast is best, and it's about time HCP's encourage it more than they have been! If there are problems however, no-one is going to deny that FF has its place, but I for one will be pleased if we can get past the attitude that I, and so many that I know, have come across, (and I'm talking Dr's and HV's here) that BFing is an odd thing to do beyond a few weeks.

"In a different context: I have never come accross anyone who was pressurised into FFing."

At our local hospital they did an audit last year. Over 50% of the babies whose mothers wished to breastfeed were being given formula before discharge, mostly on the advice of a midwife. So while they might not be clearly told to 'stop breastfeeding', things are regularly done which put barriers in place to them succeeding. And there have been masses of posts on the forums here from women who've been pressured by family/partners into stopping breastfeeding.

"Maybe that is peculiar to me, but I have met several women who had immense trouble BFing, and were met with a stonewall of pressure from HC people".

Well - this is their interpretation of what was said to them. Did they say specifically that they were told they had to continue breastfeeding, or they ought to continue breastfeeding?

I have come across a lot of women who want to stop breastfeeding because they're finding it emotionally and/or physically challenging. They go to a bf specialist and talk about the problems they're having. The bf specialist will not say 'you need to stop breastfeeding' or 'it's ok if you stop breastfeeding' (quite rightly - they are supposed to be objective and not pass judgement) - which is what women want sometimes. They want permission to stop. Some women are intensely reluctant say unambiguously - I don't wish to breastfeed. They'll talk about the difficulties they have, and the bf specialist will suggest ways of overcoming them. Some mums will interpret this as 'pressure' and 'bullying'. But it's not.

"I say "accept it" meaning accept she has the right to an alternative" But nobody here is arguing for women's moral or legal right to formula feed be restricted!

"Yes, it's a normal biological function, but peoples bodies do not always do what they are supposed to-as you point out"

Yes - but usually because breastfeeding is badly managed in hospital and in the first few weeks by poor breastfeeding support within the community.

"if a woman could not do it, there would likely be another lactating woman to pass the baby to. That, or the baby would die I guess.
That is not the case here."

Yes - but we're not talking about outright lactation failure (which is very rare) here are we? We're talking about women not wanting to breastfeed. Which of course is their right.

There are threads every day on mumsnet about being pressured into not breastfeeding/stopping breastfeeding - there's one at the moment where the baby's nursery workers have suggested the mother stop bf!

There's another one where the poster's mother and sister kept on telling her to stop....and she did (though has kept up some bf) eventually, much to her regret and she wants to start again.

As a bfc, I hear these stories all the time, too.

Well Titty, and Tiktok (Mum) I bow to your enormous experience and superior knowledge.

I was simply stating my own experience, honestly.

I am really surprised by what you say, but if thats the case then obviously it's nuts if women are pressured into not BFing.

Just one niggle though (and then I am out!)we are not just talking about women who don't want to BF-are we? I thought we had just had loads of stories about women who did, tried, had hideous difficulties, and felt like failures for wanting to stop. (OP for example..)

Of course things in hospitals and with HV's need to change-never in dispute from me.
I just wanted to stick up for people who have tried and tried and feel they must suffer regardless.

Thats it really.

I left this thread because it was making me very angry

but I just want to pop back in to say "NR, that is how I feel too..."

"I just wanted to stick up for people who have tried and tried and feel they must suffer regardless"

Breastfeeding is no different from any other aspect of caring for a baby in that if you're struggling you need kindness, help and relief. Honestly - fundamentally we are all pulling in the same direction!

I hope that titty

but sometimes it doesn't feel like that (I don't mean your posts personally, you seem rather kind)

northernrock - we are talking about women who want to bf, and whose relatives, friends, colleagues, baby's nursery workers, HVs, midwives, doctors, are asking/encouraging/suggesting/ordering them to stop (or who have done so in the recent past) or supplement with bottles of formula.

On mumsnet now.

In numerous, current threads.

Can't believe you have never noticed them!

I have found this thread really, really interesting.
I wish when I was struggling with screaming DS1 who I seemed to be unable to 'satisfy' (I now know with the benefit of hindsight my expectations of how a newborn can behave were way off), there had been a thread like this. Or, that somebody would have said to me 'This is normal, you are doing fine, just sit back and keep feeding'. And not 'you can always give him a bottle'.
I agree with tiktok about guilt: it is the feeling that one could've done something different/better but didn't.
I happen to not feel 'guilty', much as I have many regrets, about how I fed my various babies because I know I did the best I could at the time. And yes, I got better - mainly at the patience bit [hwink].

Nobody should need to feel guilty or angry or have old wounds opened at a thread like this - how we feed our children is just so emotive for mothers. Are there any fathers out there who feel guilty about how their kids were fed?? I know obviously that it is not the same for a man who will never have to feel that his body let him down if he is not able to BF, but I do think the feeding thing is one stick we are just too happy to pick up and beat ourselves with.

And re the 'slut' thing: I do think there is something in it, that calmer personalities who can give in to the constant demands of milk/skin/being held in the early days/weeks/sometimes months find it easier to enjoy BFing than those who need to achieve something with immediately visible results.

In my highly unscientific study of one (I asked a 6 week pregnant woman yesterday whether she would find it upsetting to have discussed with her at this stage in her pregnancy how she intended to feed her prospective child), I had a very positive response. Clearly, others will feel very differently.

How did they achieve the high rates of BF in Norway? That is clearly a cultural not a physiological shift. If they can do it, why can't we?

Or Australia? From next to no BF, to huge numbers women feeding for decent lengths of time.
It can be done .

When I was struggling to BF my DD I would have really appreciated other mothers talking about their feeding problems. I thought that their babies all fed every 4 hourly*, but speaking to them now I know that they didn't. Everyone put a brave face on it, so I felt like a failure.

*as the HV said they should be

Hmm. But if someone had been honest with me about bf at the beginning I'm not sure I would have tried it at all. I did go to a hospital pre birth bf session - they showed us videos of newborns crawling up to their mother's boobies and just latching on (no midwife hands anywhere!!).
Had I known the truth (dd was quite bashed at birth and so latching on/length of feeding was at the intense end of scale) I would have said - we're moving, difficult work stuff, no family/support nearby, can't be done. So in a way ignorance gave my dd her 3 weeks of exclusive and 5 weeks of mixed...

if you dont enjoy bf, or really hate it then stop. your baby will benefit most from a happy mother than one who resents having to feed her child. Thats my advice as a breastfeeding supporter and fellow mother

Wow thanks for all the replys guys. I've enjoyed reading them. I love a good BFing discussion.

Extra bit of rant here:

I've been excited for 9 months ever since I found out my cousin was pregnant. I was looking forward to sharing stories of baby clothes, sleepless nights, first smiles, and most importantly - breastfeeding.

Well she gave birth a few days ago and already the baby is on formula :( This is despite her intentions to BF since she conceived.

I literally am the only person I know who breastfeeds. None of my family do it, my mother never did, none of my friends have done, and none of the women at my babygroup do :(

Surely the majority of people would know the benefits by now?? So why do only a minority of people do it? Because of the things I've listed in my OP? The things I've listed aren't going to make me stop. I'm gritting my teeth through them.

I feel dismayed at the lack of BFing in this country. Whatever happened to "yes it sucks but you chose to have a child so that child deserves to come first".

sigh

P.S. Just ordered The Politics of Breastfeeding off Amazon

You have the right to rant! I do think it is fantastic you still bf even though you don't like it much! I love it but appreciate not everyone does and yes it is bloody hard and painful though and tiring and takes over everything...

But it sounds like we are doing it for the same reasons even though I love it and you do not - because it is so good for baby and benefits will be with them for life so good on you for doing this for your baby - you are a star!

how old is baby now by the way?

FeelLikeTweedleDee you are my kind of person - I agree with your why questions!

please read the food of love by kate evans too x

'I feel dismayed at the lack of BFing in this country. Whatever happened to "yes it sucks but you chose to have a child so that child deserves to come first".

by the way... i love that line you said above - so very bloody true!

The OP is back >

Your Op struck such a chord with me. Well done for sticking with it.

Geee thanks for the lovely comments

I'm still dismayed by my cousin's situation. Apparently the midwife that visited her said "Don't worry if you can't breastfeed. Don't beat yourself up" - rather than gently persuading her.

Although it should be said that my cousin had a c-section. Is it normal for midwives to be indifferent to whether c-section babies are breastfed?

FeelLikeTweedleDee - come back and post again after you've read The Politics of Breastfeeding!

I guarantee it'll get you going - one way or another!

I know a woman who's 17/18 yr old daughter fell pregnant and when asked if the daughter might BF. Looked shocked and said ' why on earth would she?'. I was shocked and a little sad that the mother who is a strong character was pressurising her daughter to FF without even thinking about it. The daughter was adopted so don't know if she just didn't have a clue as she had never done it or was perhaps a little jealous of the daughter. Seems it's more unusual for young mums to BF anyway.