to not want my present to be a pair of huge dildos... *TMI alert*

[surprisedinthesockdrawer]

DH has been hinting for a while that he's bought me a present - it's been a while and I've been quite excited. It's sounded a bit bedroomy, and tbh I thought it was underwear.... until this morning. A root around in his sock drawer for a pair of sports socks for the gym, and I found two massive dildos - one black, one white - both fully erect, with all the veins and balls included too. I guess that's my 'present'. (And there was a present to him too, one of those weird jelly-like replica vaginas....) Sorry for the TMI.

I feel a bit revulsed. Over the years he's bought various sex toys - vibrators, butt plugs, cock rings etc, which I've tried out to keep him happy, but he's known they're not really my thing. Erotic literature I like, but porn - it's just so fake and often a bit disturbing. If I'm honest, I'm actually a vanilla type of girl - a straightforward shag and a snog does it for me. The sex toys and porn seem weird, and just (for me this is) take sex from something natural to a process that feels unnatural. We've talked about sex lots over the years - well with 3 young children, it's dipped a bit. We decided recently to get our sex life up from a once a week to every other day, and that's been going ok, but I'm just a bit floored by the dildo discovery.

I guess what I'm asking the mumsnet massive is....

How do I explain to my husband (gently - he doesn't take criticism well) that the present he's bought me isn't my thing at all. How would you deal with it - would you even deal with it - and can we find some sort of sexual equilibrium?

There is also another option of course - that these aren't meant for me at all - but to be used on him....

erm -does he actually know you at all?
And for him to buy himself a replica vagina -a bit odd (he has the real thing!).

i thought that....that they were for him!! are they still in the packaging/unused??

and two???

His 'n hers?
Use them at the same time?

As you've gone along with it in the past, I think it would be difficult to say something now. Maybe you could drop strong hints that what you'd really like is a.............. (insert whatever you'd like)

Like the scene out of Me Myself and Irene, where Jim Carrey waves the huge dildo around and then Renee Zellweger says "it wasn't for me" Lol!

I like cock rings, the vibrating ones are great. But if you aren't really into sex toys they aren't the kind of thing you can learn to love I don't think.

I do see how you could see they were unnatural, but then you can take that to anything and say that shaving your legs or wearing a bra or make up is unnatural.

It is a bit difficult, he obvioulsy likes them and you don't, so compromise is going to have to be in there somewhere.

Ask him to swap the dildo (too scary) for one of those vibrating teddy bears you wear like knickers.

I know sprinkledust!! No - not in packaging.... Maybe they were for him after all ... or both for me (gulp)

Do what I do, tell him you read this OUTRAGEOUS thread on MN, where a bloke bought his wife toys for her birthday, and before it got deleted due to bad language, the consensus was that he was a monumental twat and was sleeping in the shed until he got her a proper present...

I think it's hilarious too. And a bit sad tbh. I think that's why I've gone along with in the past - I don't want to upset him, he's such a darling, and so keen. But it's just escalated - and I don't really know how I can divert his attentions (and spending) elsewhere. He does know they're not my thing....

out of packaging.....do they have batteries in ready to go???

good call - axe! Might do....

No sprinkle - no batteries. These are the proper replica Donkey Kongs - look more like a work of art than a rabbit. I've got a few vibrators (not hugely keen on those either) - bought by DH for me.... but these things are new to me.

rofl!

Are they vibrators though or dildos?

that I know the difference

'Ask him to swap the dildo (too scary) for one of those vibrating teddy bears you wear like knickers.'?

WFT?

Yeah chippy - we've been together for a long time. He should do. He knows we have dramatically different tastes in sex - normally we manage to rub along ok (!) together, but I really didn't ask for twin dildos!!

sorry x- post.

Perhaps you could hang them crossed over the mantlepiece, in the manner of crossed swords in a stately home.

It is funny isn't it. You've got me rofling too - but really, come on! What AM i going to do? Am slightly worried it'll be an inflatable doll in the back of the wardrobe next....

Are there holes in the tops or bottoms?

Am thinking novelty salt and pepper pots.

"Amuse and delight the inlaws during Christmas Lunch."

I could mount them by the door - and use them to hang coats on....

Arf at you mounting them. I expect he'd be delighted.

cock cruets

They are really not a birthday present for you are they?
I'm sorry, but dildos are a present for the bloke - no matter what way you look at it.

What do you mean by 'not taking criticism well'?

I think a chat is in order. Explain that while you will indulge him every now and then (for that's what it is from your perspective), you actually really prefer the vanilla variety.

How's that every other day thing going?

If he knows they are not your thing then this is a really selfish present. I would be monumentally fucked off.

Oh god you have to be honest. Say you don't want them and point out this is a present for him, not you, whoch is even more the point to me. Tell him the kind of thing you really want for your birthday. So when he says 'I have got you a great gift' say 'ooh, fantastic, wonder what it is - elle macphersob undies, a mulberry bag, clinique gist set, my fave perfume, dinner and a movie, stay at a hotel..so many things I would love!'

i think that's the idea balloon...

I think the point is he has bought something entirely for himself, and I also heard alarm bells at "doesn't take criticism well'