To hate the way my in-laws do the food part of Christmas?

[TattyDevine]

I know I am being unreasonable about what is a common difference of preferences so try and treat it as a lighthearted thread though feel free to tell me IABU because I am.

First: Disclaimer - I am very glad my Parents in law are alive and well and able to spend Christmas with us. Whilst I hate the way the food is done, I am "grateful" that they do it - well, sort of - we do it every second year and we make a better effort at appearing grateful than they do - we at least thank them for the meal and make appreciative sounds throughout. So if anyone says YABU for being ungrateful, fine, but it kinda goes both ways and yes, I would rather be at home doing my own food, I go there for the sake of my DH and children. That's what Christmas should be about - but it is also about the food for me that we do share together, as I love food and preparing food, but accept that others have different views on how it should be done. Accept - not like! Here goes...

I hate the way they dont get a standard normal turkey with legs and wings, but buy 2 turkey crowns, overcook them, having ripped the skin off when they are still raw, discarding it when they know I like it, and serve up mountains of shreds of overcooked sawdusty breast and nothing else simply because they prefer breast.

I hate the way they cook the brussels sprouts the night before (for at least half an hour - in fact, I think they might have put them on already!) and then reheat them in the microwave 5 minutes before the meal is served. They are a deep khaki green colour and smell like hangover farts.

I hate the way the gravy is watery and tastes more like marmite than anything else - due, mainly, to its high marmite content

I hate the way all the other vegetables are burnt to a crisp and then placed on a heated trolley thing 2 hours before the meal is served to stay warm, and I hate the way they turn to cardboard.

I hate the way the smoke alarm goes off every single time, about 30 minutes before they serve up. Get an oven timer. The smoke alarm is supposed to alert you to dangerously high levels of smoke. That's that grey stuff that is billowing out of the oven and making all our eyes stream, by the way.

I hate the way the only drink they put out is Asti Spumante even though we bring champagne and decent Sav Blanc etc which they hide away then hand back to us when we leave because they "dont drink". They dont - but if they dont drink, why not just let us drink what we want to drink? We do ask them for the stuff we bought but then they turn around and say "but we've already opened the Asti!". These days we try and time it so DH takes charge of the "drinks situation" quite a while before dinner is served (hell, by midday I'm gagging for something, ANYTHING) before anything else gets opened and he holds it back now and puts it outside so its cold, but we had to politey refuse the Asti completely one year so it got tipped down the sink to get to that stage as they are pretty stubborn...

I hate the way they hold back the pudding and make us eat biscuits instead after the lunch bit, because "everyone is too full for pudding", when in fact we are not too full for pudding, because we did not overeat, and see no real benefit in consuming the same amount of bulk and calories in biscuits only to eat pudding later when we are, in fact, not hungry.

I hate the way it is assumed that custard does not go lumpy if you dont stir it just because you have cooked it in a bain-marie. It does. You have to stir it to just under the boil whatever you cook it in. And is there anything wrong with a bit of brandy butter? Just because you dont like it? Why not put out the little pot of it we brought with us? It wont kill you from the other end of the table. Hell, let us get it, rather than fobbing us off with "cant' find it in the fridge" (its in the DOOOOOORRRRRR!)

Okay, that's it for me, unless I think of anything eles. I know its mean, but better out than in - I dont want to rant to my own mother or DH about it, because its mean and bitchy, but they are not on t'internet, and it feels good, gets it out of my system and I can turn up and be charming on the day. That's not such a bad thing, is it?

What would you change about the way your parents or parents in law prepare and serve Christmas Dinner?

I agree totally tokyo I get guilt-tripped that DH, I and the DC's son't go to my family for Christmas anymore, but tough. I am not going to suffer through another Christmas like we used to have (they were great until I was old enough to help in the kitchen!)

When we do Christmas I invite some family and do all the shopping and cooking, I love to cook and make a real effort to provide lots of god quality, home cooked food, on time and with minimal fuss. I also like to have a chance to rest and enjoy my children's delight. I like not being ordered around and shouted at. So I don't go anymore. Simples.

You should all come to my PIL's house for Xmas dinner! Massive properly cooked turkey or goose, all the trimmings, scallops or similar for starter, pudding and trifle and pie, cream or custard or brandy butter, crackers, hats and champagne, mulled wine...in fact enough alcohol availble to get everyone on this thread in the christmas spirit.

I bloody love Christmas at my inlaws. Which is kinda handy as an orphan!

sounds just like my in-laws headless, I am blessed to have such a great pair :o

I couldn't agree more, tokyo!

My parents live 5000 miles away, and with three young children and only a fortnight off (not even that for DH) we don't go there for Xmas.

Their health is too ill for them to come here in winter.

C'est la vie!

I fully expect to travel to my childrens' homes if they want me to to see grandkids, and if it's far away I'll work extra for DH and me to stay in a B&B or motel nearby for a night.

I will also try my best to move with the times when it comes to cooking.

We did one Xmas at the ILs and cooking's definitely not her strong point.

In fact, it would have been better if she'd gone to M&S.

My parents, grandparents (and probably their parents too!) were all foodies, so I was a bit glum when I found dh's family weren't. His mum is a pretty dreadful cook, but they usually go to one of sFIL's kids for Xmas anyway. We did go to theirs' one year and it was as expected and mainly cold or rapidly cooling, with khaki veg.

What really gets my goat is that MIL has pretensions and therefore, after lunch, the men leave the table to talk in the backroom while the 'girls' are expected to sit in the sitting room and talk about babies. I spoil it for her by going off with the men and she shreiks at me, but I ignore her. It infuriates me.

Love this thread.

The 'FIL is in charge of drinks and racism' comment also made me Roar.

My family can all cook. There are some professional chefs, and everyone else has a passion and gift for cooking.

My MIL could be a great cook, except that she is obssessed with 'healthy' food. In practice, this means wholemeal EVERYTHING, that spray-oil stuff, and sacharrine instead of sugar.

So not healthy, actually - just grim.

She won't let anyone help on Christmas Day, spends the whole time in a foul mood 'because I have to do everything', then doshes up mounds of yuck (including the obligatory piles of soggy boiled carrots).

And yy to the teeny amounts of crap booze.

My parents start serving the champagne cocktails mid-morning - blurry brilliant.

IL's have the same Asti obssession as the OP's.

We have taken to bursting in on Christmas Day whooping and shouting 'Merry Christmas!', then popping the cork on the first bottle before they have a chance to say anything.

Works a treat - you should try it.

LOL at this thread.
I have only got to the bit about eating the marzipan Jesus and I am crying. I can picture the scene:

Cute little girl: please may I have the baby Jesus this time?

Grandad: No, the baby Jesus is miiiiiiinnnneeee!

Ooh, it was me who said 'passive aggressive', but idiocy sounds good too!

I do think (re. what tokyo is saying) it can be tough on the PIL generation. My parents very decently insisted on telling all three of us how important it was to them that we shouldn't feel we had to suffer like they did and travel back home once we had homes of our own. But they were completely unprepared for us to actually take them up on it! Their solution seems to be that they try to co-ordinate for us all to visit another day, when they will serve us all a full Christmas dinner, which isn't a bad deal if you're like me and bloody greedy - but does pile on the guilt a bit.

My PIL refuse to heat the plates so everything is stone cold by the time it is eaten and the entire meal is toddler-focussed (BIL's twins). There can be no adult conversation. Veg are overcooked. Turkey is bland and dry (frozen supermarket). Pudding is packet. MIL is bone idle and won't lift a finger in her own home, sits and gets pissed and spends the meal running down FIL. She insists on regimented "turns" (my parents one year, her the next) but still somehow resents any mention of my parents and Christmas at their house. This year I want to completely upset the dynamic and go to my parents two years in a row, so that I finally get to see my sister and her new baby, but MrA is too much of a coward to tell her those are the plans. Not that she's actually invited us for Christmas yet. Oh, and two years ago we sat on the M4 and M25 for 8 hours trying to get there because they had shut the motorway, had to divert into London to avoid the closure, finally arrived at 9.30, there was not a thing to eat, she shouted at us for being late, and handed us a shopping lists to do all the food shopping (this was on the 23rd December), our bed wasn't made up and she pushed past me as she went to the kitchen. Didn't even offer a cup of tea. On Boxing Day I was crying in my bedroom, wanting my mum!

There, I'm about done.

"She insists on regimented "turns" (my parents one year, her the next)"

She can insist all she likes, of course. You could always try saying no. Just a thought.

We have now got around this by going to my mother's a few days before Christmas (and having Chinese takeaway) and PiLs on Boxing Day. That way we dont have hearty roast dinners three days in a row.

PiLs produce a Boxing Day buffet full of random Iceland party food. To this MiL adds leftovers and vegetarian versions of things which are not clearly identified so the vegetarians miss out. Of course there are always a few bits and pieces which get forgotten and produced out of sequence ('anyone for the prawn ring after their pudding?'). Thankfully we all have strong constitutions and DCs are now of an age to be able to laugh rather than cry.

When the DCs fly the nest DH & I will be able to do as we please. We have vowed to offer hospitality but to not be offended if it isnt wanted. A lot of pressure gets put on having the perfect family Christmas Day, we prefer to spread the goodwill over a few days and save our digestions.

Oh I say no often. But I am not allowed to speak to her about Christmas. She gets offended by every suggestion and OH insists he is the only one allowed to speak to her about it. It's almost impossible to convey how she is so awkward - she just is. Every time Christmas is mentioned between us (me and him) it turns into a row about his bloody mother :(

And we live 300 miles apart, that's the other thing.

I'd say no. End of.

My lovely mum insisted that we do what we want on Christmas Day, because her mum always made a a big dramatic fuss and she wasn't allowed to do anything her way.

As a consequence DH and I get to spend the day with our DS's who are still of an age to belive in Father Christmas and love opening their presents - I get to cook a meal with everything we all love, no-one drives and there are no arguments.

When mum is on her own, we will invite her to spend it with us, but its great to know that there's no obligation on either side.

Am roaring at some of your stories though. I can't read the words "prawn ring" without a childish snigger.

I cant wait till DH and I have a bigger house and we can have everyone to us.

PIL are fantastic cooks, roast and Xmas dinner. They pull out all the stops, you can have 4 different types of potato if you want, 3 meants if you want, 12 puddings if you want (you get the point) and it's all hot, well cooked, and only ever slightly late, due to FIL drinking from early morning! But unfortunately they are away for Xmas this year, DH has 3 brothers and a sister, who all live away so PIL have to take it in turns as to who they visit or have over.

My parents also do Christmas dinner, which is lovely and there is always enough to go around. But it's just not Christmas there. I go round early Xmas morning to see gradparents and family etc. and open presents. You are then shooed out of the way while they all get ready to go up the pub, minus the grandparents. (I then return home for dinner or to IL's).

My Mum's parents then go home and eat on their own, their choice, they just prefer it that way now all the grandkids are grown up.

My Dad's parents then go home and return for dinner, which could be at 3, 4 or 5 o'clock depending on when they leave the pub.

Dinner is then 2 different meats that have been cooked and carved the day before, which are then submerged in gravy and re-heated. Veggies are over cooked, and placed in heated trolley thingy.

Dinner is wolfed down at a rate of knots so they can get back up the pub. Xmas dinner also includes umpteen 'friends' who are at a loose end. Which I dont mind, but Christmas to me is family, call me selfish but it is.

I just cant wait to have everyone to our house and do a 'proper' Christmas dinner where everyone is completely stuffed and preferably pissed by 6 o'clock sitting in front of the tv!!

Roll on 2011!!!!!

For those that are struggling to see how it's done, let's provide an example.

M/MIL: "You'll be coming to us for Christmas as usual?"

You: No.

See? Not that difficult.

tokyo, you do realize that some of us actually like our families/in-laws/husbands and don't think throwing our toys out of the pram at Christmas is worth it for the bad relations for the rest of the year?

And it does sound like throwing your toys out of the pram to refuse offers every time - families (unless they are grim people, not just grim cooks) are about compromise and a bit of grown-up talking it through, surely?

Love this thread!

" please bring mints for after dinner - splash out on bendicks or even after eights aren;t that bad - no no no your sole contribution is a pack of Elizabeth Shaw mints"

Oh no, I wasn't aware there was a scale of mint poshness!Are ES cheapo mints then?

"families (unless they are grim people, not just grim cooks) are about compromise and a bit of grown-up talking it through"

Quite. But compromise is a two-way street, and all the stories recounted here are about one-way compromise, aka sucking it up.

I am so bloody glad my PIL are muslim! Christmas is at my parents' with all my DBros and I suspect will be forever more. I suppose when they get themselves DWs that might change, but then again, I suspect possibly not.

Not really. The OP points out she does Christmas at home one year, and the in-laws another. Lots of people have said similar. Refusing to go at all isn't a compromise!

Tokyo you would be very welcome to try saying that on my behalf to MIL if you like. I can give you her address? But then you wouldn't have to deal with a year's worth of sulks and fall outs. You may think it's that easy but it isn't.

On the other hand I love Christmas at my mum's. The food is great - she doesn't abide by the turkey rule and will do all sorts.

I always thought ES mints were kind of posh

PMSL at this thread.

I love my PIL and there are lots of reasons why Christmas at theirs is lovely not least MIL greeting me at 10am with a baby Guinness!
I don't even mind the plate of mushy, luke warm blandness that is MILs dinner, she once boiled asparagus for 30 mins- thankfully most of it disintegrated into the gravy.

However I find it tiresome the way that after 10 years I and now DH and DC are showcased like circus freaks because we eat 'different' foods, the whole family actually stare open mouthed as we eat Cranberry sauce, "It's like jam but for meat not toast Mam" MIL exclaims loudly to DH's Nan!
Last year they all came to us which was lovely and MIL offered to bring a Cheese board which she unveiled after Christmas pudding. Sadly it consisted of pre-utterly butterlyed cream crackers, half a block of some nameless cheese she had pre-sliced to save us "the bother of cutting on Christmas day" and the Laughing Cow triangles, luckily we had some Stilton which gave them all something new to gawp at, "it's mouldy cheese Mam, but they don't cut the mould off they eat it"

Why don't you visit them on christmas eve or boxing day instead;you are entitled to have your own family christmas day.