To hate the way my in-laws do the food part of Christmas?

[TattyDevine]

I know I am being unreasonable about what is a common difference of preferences so try and treat it as a lighthearted thread though feel free to tell me IABU because I am.

First: Disclaimer - I am very glad my Parents in law are alive and well and able to spend Christmas with us. Whilst I hate the way the food is done, I am "grateful" that they do it - well, sort of - we do it every second year and we make a better effort at appearing grateful than they do - we at least thank them for the meal and make appreciative sounds throughout. So if anyone says YABU for being ungrateful, fine, but it kinda goes both ways and yes, I would rather be at home doing my own food, I go there for the sake of my DH and children. That's what Christmas should be about - but it is also about the food for me that we do share together, as I love food and preparing food, but accept that others have different views on how it should be done. Accept - not like! Here goes...

I hate the way they dont get a standard normal turkey with legs and wings, but buy 2 turkey crowns, overcook them, having ripped the skin off when they are still raw, discarding it when they know I like it, and serve up mountains of shreds of overcooked sawdusty breast and nothing else simply because they prefer breast.

I hate the way they cook the brussels sprouts the night before (for at least half an hour - in fact, I think they might have put them on already!) and then reheat them in the microwave 5 minutes before the meal is served. They are a deep khaki green colour and smell like hangover farts.

I hate the way the gravy is watery and tastes more like marmite than anything else - due, mainly, to its high marmite content

I hate the way all the other vegetables are burnt to a crisp and then placed on a heated trolley thing 2 hours before the meal is served to stay warm, and I hate the way they turn to cardboard.

I hate the way the smoke alarm goes off every single time, about 30 minutes before they serve up. Get an oven timer. The smoke alarm is supposed to alert you to dangerously high levels of smoke. That's that grey stuff that is billowing out of the oven and making all our eyes stream, by the way.

I hate the way the only drink they put out is Asti Spumante even though we bring champagne and decent Sav Blanc etc which they hide away then hand back to us when we leave because they "dont drink". They dont - but if they dont drink, why not just let us drink what we want to drink? We do ask them for the stuff we bought but then they turn around and say "but we've already opened the Asti!". These days we try and time it so DH takes charge of the "drinks situation" quite a while before dinner is served (hell, by midday I'm gagging for something, ANYTHING) before anything else gets opened and he holds it back now and puts it outside so its cold, but we had to politey refuse the Asti completely one year so it got tipped down the sink to get to that stage as they are pretty stubborn...

I hate the way they hold back the pudding and make us eat biscuits instead after the lunch bit, because "everyone is too full for pudding", when in fact we are not too full for pudding, because we did not overeat, and see no real benefit in consuming the same amount of bulk and calories in biscuits only to eat pudding later when we are, in fact, not hungry.

I hate the way it is assumed that custard does not go lumpy if you dont stir it just because you have cooked it in a bain-marie. It does. You have to stir it to just under the boil whatever you cook it in. And is there anything wrong with a bit of brandy butter? Just because you dont like it? Why not put out the little pot of it we brought with us? It wont kill you from the other end of the table. Hell, let us get it, rather than fobbing us off with "cant' find it in the fridge" (its in the DOOOOOORRRRRR!)

Okay, that's it for me, unless I think of anything eles. I know its mean, but better out than in - I dont want to rant to my own mother or DH about it, because its mean and bitchy, but they are not on t'internet, and it feels good, gets it out of my system and I can turn up and be charming on the day. That's not such a bad thing, is it?

What would you change about the way your parents or parents in law prepare and serve Christmas Dinner?

Brilliant thread, thanks.

The poster (sorry, have forgotten as I read it a few hours ago) who said, "FIL is in charge of drink and racism and not much else" gave me my first real laugh of the day.

My ex-MIL and FIL were divorced and although they got on well, ex-FIL's mum hated her former DIL. Christmas dinner consisted of me, exP, his parents and ex-FIL's mum. We all sat round a small table except for the grandmother who sat in the kitchen with the door shut so she could 'keep an eye on the pudding'. The four of us that were remaining barely said a word to each other despite my attempts to start a conversation.

I have never had such an awkward dinner in all my life. I almost set my exP on fire with the pudding brandy in an attempt to lighten things up. There was still no conversation.

I cried that night. The best thing about splitting up with my ex was that his family can never ruin Christmas for me again.

Have to say, had a wonderful christmas dinner last year. Just DS and me (ExH cancelled on christmas Eve). Best ever, totally relaxed and DS standing on his kitchen stool 'petting' the ham that night, saying "you are a lovely ham, yes you are, you are lovely" then eating bits of it. He was 2.9 at the time.

Awww, Dione!

My ILs are very generous with the food and the drink, but they're absolutely obsessed with the whole thing. They'll serve a four course lunch, then start discussing whether to make some little snacks to tide us over to the next meal while people are finishing up their pudding. My MIL shares the house with her own Mum, and they compete around who is the best hostess/mother/grandmother, trying to stuff as much food down my daughter as possible, quibbling over who's going to whip up a cake for afternoon tea, you're under scrutiny the entire time if they suspect you of scrimping on breakfast or refusing a refill of wine.

It's exhausting, but if you're female you can't escape it, because while the men go out to the porch to drink beer and discuss politics, all female guests have to compete to help out with dishes and flatter the cooks and engage in the minutiae of whether the turkey devil (Boxing Day) had enough curry leaves in it. Etc.

This year they're coming to ours, and my mother didn't quite succeed in hiding her sigh when I broke it to her that she was sharing Christmas with the EatALot family.

i also hate the way my pil do christmas. the thing is, mil has a 'reputation' as a good cook, but uses far more pre-packaged stuff than i ever do. she also returns to her NI roots, and goes heavy on cabbage & potatoes (at least 3 kinds), all massively overcooked.

she is also incapable of remembering that ALL of us love sprouts, even dh, her own son, who has always loved them. after 43 years, she still hadn't noticed this, so we get about 2 each, with her saying 'no-one likes sprouts' and dd saying 'can i have some more?' while fil has 2 on his plate, cos you have to, then doesn't eat them.

now we live in the US & refuse to return home for christmas, so we either visit sil (who does a completely different style of christmas, but i love it) or do our own - yay! in fact, i like christmas everywhere EXCEPT at pil, i like going to dh's aunt in NI, his sister in colorado, staying at ours, going to my parents. so, i'm not fussy, i just don't like the pil version. oh dear.

How is it so many of these ILs don't know how to cook?

I guess it is a generational thing. There weren't really that many good restaurants in normal high streets until the late 80s/early 90s and gastropubs didn't exist. There weren't as nmany food programmes on telly, there was less variety in the shops. I think we only really came out of the culinary dark ages in this country very recently.

I could understand that if it was a fancy meal, but Brits have been cooking roast dinners for generations.
The soggy veg thing is a generation thing, although I thought that died out with my grandparents era.
The cooking dinner ages before then microwaving it sounds insane.

My PILs can cook very well and they lay on a great Christmas feast. They only thing is, being French, means they serve practically no veg with a traditional Christmas meal.

Normally we get; oysters, smoked salmon, foie gras, truffle sausage, some sort of bird (often goose), cheese, chocolate dessert thing.

Each one of these is like a mini course and they only veg is a vegetable gratin thing made with cream and goose fat that you get to go with the bird. Gratin is nice but VERY rich. In fact everything is nice but VERY rich. I ache for some steamed sprouts or carrots. PIL have never even heard of roast potatoes.

The meal is great but just not what I would choose to have at Christmas. French DH says exactly the same when we come to my family.

Booze flows but there are always arguments. Last year MIL accused DH and I of having sold the present she gave us the year before on ebay. In fact she had been promising all year to give us a tumble dyer (that we have no room for and do not want), she never got round to giving it to us but seems to have a very selective memory.

"How is it so many of these ILs don't know how to cook?"

The thing is, we're conditioned to like the food we've been brought up on. Likewise Christmas full stop.

I've been to other people's houses at Christmas and been horror-struck with the awfulness of their festivities. They're probably trundling along thinking their dinner/mode of celebration is quite the thing, whilst I'm thinking it is utter pants.

I remember the first time I attended an in-law party and they sang Happy Birthday to You AFTER the candles had been blown out. AFTER?!!!!! Never heard of that one.

All those of you who insist on staying at home for Xmas what will you do when your kids have families of their own? Will you expect them to travel to you with their young families or will you be happy to sleep on their put up beds so you can see your grandchikdren on Xmas morning?

I've had the odd shit Christmas or para-Christmas meal. What I don't understand is why people keeping subjecting themselves to it. If you have a bad Christmas in house X in year Y, surely going to house X in year Y+1 breaks the rules that insanity is doing the same thing twice and expecting the outcome to be different? If you don't like the way so-and-so cooks food, why do you volunteer to go to so-and-so's house for a meal that you would otherwise be looking forward to? Breaking the cycle of "this year his parents, this year her parents" or "but we always go to..." is easy: manufacture an excuse to go away for Christmas, and then don't get back into the cycle the following year.

When my kids have kids I'd expect to travel, although I don't mind a quiet xmas with just my husband and don't understand people who moan about "xmas alone" when they have their partner.
If my kids are with their dad then we've had a couple of xmases with just the 2 of us, champagne, classic FM carols, nice food and a walk.

That was mostly to Tokyo: 'I have a similar policy now: Christmas is here, and if anyone from our families cares to join us, they are entirely welcome. But I am not spending Christmas eating other people's cooking, sleeping on other people's sofas or tolerating other people's shit taste in television. My house, my food, my bed. My brother has a similar policy, which is fine, as we don't want to spend Christmas together anyway, and assorted parents and other relatives waft between us.'

"All those of you who insist on staying at home for Xmas what will you do when your kids have families of their own? Will you expect them to travel to you with their young families or will you be happy to sleep on their put up beds so you can see your grandchikdren on Xmas morning?"

Or neither, of course.

That's it Bigchris, its unresonable in our situation to never go. I wouldn't put up with "having" to go every year, but I compromise. What I do object to is the amount of times I spend Christmas with the inlaws - when we do it at our house, they tend to come, and before anyone says that we should tell them its just us etc, that's all well and good when you write it on paper but when it comes to standing there and looking them in the eye and essentially saying you dont want them there, how does that actually work in practice? Its not worth it. Its healthier for the family as a whole to not be toxic, but to have a little rant to virtual strangers on the internet, have a laugh, and just get on with it on the day, knowing there is an army of likeminded people both supporting you and going through the same.

And if you dont make the journey there every second year or however it divides down, your own kids might not consider that an oblgation of their own (not that you hope they see it as an obligation of course, if they dont then you've got it right) and might not bother, and you miss out in your old age.

There are some things you just have to do for the sake of family. You dont have to cop everything, but the meeting up bit is hard to get out of. I like to choose my battles a bit. I'm not going to dig in my heels about turkey skin, but I am going to campaign for my daughter not having to share a room with us. I can forfeit some turkey skin (!) for a semi-decent night's sleep. Etc...

I can't imagine not seeing my kids and grandkids at Xmas
but I guess I'll have to remember how I longed for Xmas on our own when the kids were small
I always feel bad when we don't spend Xmas with the inlaws as dh is an only child
when we're not with my parents they've still got loads of grandchikdren around them
inlaws don't have anyone but us

To expand (as it was me you were addressing).

If my children wish to invite me to their houses for Christmas, I'll consider it on its merits: once will hardly harm me, and if it's pleasurable, who knows? If my children wish to invite themselves to my house, that's fine too. What I'm not doing, just as my parents and my in-laws don't either, is being emotionally blackmailed into a Christmas I don't enjoy out of some sense of familial duty. If I lay on a Christmas that people enjoy, they might want to come again. If people lay on a Christmas that I enjoy, I might want to go. But having an unenjoyable Christmas in order to discharge family duties? Why?

And the grandparents thing is a total red-herring. Unless you're going to organise a family party involving both sets of grandparents, all their children and grandchildren and then a limitless regress of in-laws, at some point someone is going to spend Christmas without one or the other sets of grandparents.

Exactly tatty - in my dreams I'm hoping to be able to afford a b&b to stay in at Xmas near my kids so we can retreat and leave them to it
my parents prefer to stay in a hotel when they visit us
inlaws prefer to stay in dh's study
I can't stand that getting up in the morning looking like shite before I've even cleaned my teeth and having to talk polite crap to mil while she makes tea
aaasrrrggghh

You sound very reasonable, TattyDevine.

I'm not a huge fan of my pil for about two million reasons, and also had half a mind to tell dh I couldn't face them here for Christmas Day.

But then I thought, how mean . It's one day. It means a lot to them and I want the dcs to see that grandparents are part of the family (however BLOODY IRRITATING they are).

We may well be those annoying old people one day, unreasonably wanting crispy roast potatoes and al dente sprouts (future dil: "Grrr, they're soooo stuck in the 1980s...)

Tokyo - alternative xmases is fine
it's the whole 'i stay at home for Xmas and you either visit or you don't '
that's what my parents do so if we don't make the effort every second or third year we never see my parents at Xmas
I wish I could say 'well fuck it then we won't ever bother' but who knows how many xmases I'll have left with them

I have read this entire thread and never laughed (or sympathised) so hard :o

When we first got married, I was so glad to escape my family's Christmas that I told agreed with DH that we would do our first Christmas as a married couple, and with a 5 month old baby, at home and then alternate each year, one at home followed by one with some part of our extended families. I have NEVER returned to mine. Why? Because My uncle takes over the cooking and orders me and my aunt around all day. He is a great cook, but doesn't know when to stop! There's always another dish he thinks of and that means trips to the local indian supermarket (which is open Christmas day) to get extra ingredients, much chopping and much arguing as he shouts orders. My other aunt and uncles do nothing. all. day. After the marathon cook-a-thon, everyone else is starving, we most definately aren't. And uncle is usually so miffed he just starts eating without telling anyone dinner is ready. Oh, and we all have to pay around £30/head for the pleasure. (I don't mind contributing, but not if I am doing all the work and being barked at too!)

There is also lots of shouting and arguing (not malicious, just LOUD) as there are usually about 15 of us or more.

MIL and FIL (divorced) each do great Christmas dinners (though FIL does overcook the turkey, I can forgive him because the rest is great and we have a mix of traditional English and Caribbean food), both provide lots of wine and beer etc, lots of snacks and puddings too. Oh, and we never have to pay anything - I just bring a dish or two and some wine.

This year we are at MIL's and I am really looking forward to it. I will have a newborn by then and - even if I didn't - there is no expectation to do anything. MIL remains unflustered and just seems to potter about before producing a lovely dinner and pudding, snacks and drinks are on tap and the dishwasher does the washing up - BLISS! New Year's eve/day is more of the same at GMIL - tons of food, drink and games all round.....

sorry, another looong post!
Not surprisingly we only pop by my family for boxing day or sometime between Christmas day and the New Year.

My PILs are pretty good cooks and I've enjoyed several Christmases at their house. Yes it'd different to my Mum's cooking (and she will always be the best )ut I do like it.

The only thing that annnoys me - and it's not just christmas it's any roast dinner - my MIL only makes one roast potato each and the rest is mashed potato! I don't understand - if she's bothering to make some roast potatoes, why not make them ALL roast potatoes?! I love roast potatoes - my DH tried to get her to make some more, so now she gives him two and I still just get one! But he always gives me his second one when she isn't looking...

I don't understand this obligation to be with family members if you don't get on on xmas day itself. I think some families hype up the "family" thing more than others.
I get on well with both sides of the family but if I didn't I wouldn't go there, and definitely not on xmas day if I have the kids if they would prefer to be at home.

I don't see how everyone bickering or hating the food helps family harmony.

"Tokyo - alternative xmases is fine"

Only if they're enjoyable.

Why spend Christmas doing anything other than the most enjoyable things you can think of for your family?

The food thing is a classic issue. If you have relatives who you know enjoy food, you have three choices: go to their house, learn to cook, or don't spend Christmas with them. Inviting them over, and then playing passive-agressive "well it was good enough for you when you lived here" or "we ate like this in the war, you know" doesn't have to be tolerated. If you don't drink, either find out what you should lay on, or tell people to bring their own. If you're at the "and I won't have it in the house" stage, expect to spend Christmas on your own. If you want to watch the fucking television all day, sit in a room and do so, don't invite other people over and then shush them.

Before I got hardline I did once go to my in-laws for Christmas. They can't cook, and I ended up driving around north London late on the 25th trying to find an offlicense that was open, as there was nothing other Orange Juice (from concentrate, too) in the house. So I won't go again. They want to see their grandchildren, they can either come to us (they're more than welcome) or learn to be better hosts.

Life is too short to do things that you don't enjoy out of a mis-placed sense of family duty.