to be annoyed that DH has demolished kitchen wall without consulting me?

[KC11]

I came home from work to find the kitchen wall was no more. DH has been working on the wall above (bathroom wall) but seems to have decided that the kitchen wall (on ground floor of house) had to come out now rather than in two years or so (when we might have the money to have a single storey extension on the back of our house). He didn't phone or text me he just let me come home from work to find he's already demolished the wall! WTF? I had no opportunity to unpack the kitchen units that used to be attached to said wall. All of lounge furniture, leather sofas, the lampshades and even the papers and magazines on the table were all still in situ (under the thick layer of dust). I refuse to speak to him. I refuse to clear up the mess and i refuse to try to prepare any food or drinks in the house.

Any advice?

thanks giraffes. Great name by the way.

On the plus side. My dad has brought me a cup of tea every morning i've been staying with him and mum. And my meals are being cooked for me even though I keep offering to cook for them. It's lovely being pampered and looked after. Mums are just the best aren't they?!?!?!?!?! I love her and my dad to bits.

Good to see you back KC, Ive been thinking about you. Sounds like you have the house situation sorted. Your relationship on the other hand seems to be full of issues.

You don't actually sound like you love or like your partner. Or do you think this has been brought about because of the stresses of TTC? What outcome do you really want? Might be worth starting a thread on the relationships board, I'm sure youd get some very good advice from experienced MNers.

Take care of yourself and good luck.

I think it's the five years of TTCing to be frank. I care about it all so much. He seems not to care. I think he probably does. Perhaps he's trying to keep grounded and be realistic in case we never conceive.
I guess we're like yin and yang. I am on a coupe of the other threads for conception. thanks for listening and helping me out. I like to think i'm a sensitive caring person. Perhaps I'm overdoing it somewhat.

He has cleaned up parts of the house so there's less dust now. I'm still taking refuge at my parents' house. It has shown me that i miss him and do want to be with him just not in that mess. I hope that it will be a wake up call to him for the future. The trouble is i do feel forced to accept things as otherwise there would be no chance of a child it he withdraws from marital duties!!!!!!!

:( poor KC11

You're a hostage to your ovaries, KC11. I think it is unreasonable of him in his early 40s to only be interested in reality TV and house demolition adjustments, and it's really sad that you feel you have to put up with it or risk missing a cycle.

In fact, that make me really cross on your behalf. Would he do that to you?

How would you feel if you knew staying with him meant no babies?

You seem resigned to things and like you have no choice.

Glad you came back to this thread KC and sorry to hear you sounding so down

You're clearly having a very tough few years and that can be devastating for a relationship.
So many men deal with stress and emotions so differently to us, my dh seems the most uncaring emotionally starved man in the world, but I know after years of upset that underneath all that there's a hell of a lot of emotion that he either doesn't know how to or doesn't want to deal with. He just throws himself into work (he works stupidly long hours when stressed) or rugby.

Now I understand him better, I can cope with that, I see the signs and leave him to it and we talk about it when he's feeling better. Not everyone can live like that though, I find it really hard sometimes.

I think you should use your time at your mum's to really think about what you want from your life and whether he and you can achieve that together.

you need them right now.

Ghoulish There is a hell of a lot to think about. I do want a child/children. i'm 36. Do i stay in this marriage or not? I love him very much and am missing him loads. I've been living at my parents since last Friday. I'm checking my mobile constantly to see if he's texted me. I want to have children with him. We've been married 10 years. I miss him. He's bitten off more than he can chew but male pride is stopping him admitting it. I know he can be a caring person and having seen him with cousins and friends' kids he's great. He says he wants children but I think he's worried in case it will end up just being us two. I have always picuted my life and future as a parent. I want to be a parent. He says he wants to be a parent. Reality seems to be playing tricks on us. I think he's thrown hismelf into the HOUSE stuff so that he can switch off from me and IVF stuff. He tells me that I need to district myself and need to throw myself into HOUSE PROJECTS. My answer to that is "i'd be fine with the walls having a lick of paint and perhaps we could change the radiator and the furniture". I really don't need a semi detached house with no kids to fill the space. One of the 3 bedrooms was meant to be a nursery by now. The emptiness in my heart is a killer. My DH has never been overly-affetionate and i know that's becuse he wasn't brought up to show much affection. When being spiteful i tell him that he's emotionally retarded. Harsh but true. I on the other hand wear my heart on my sleeve and a love cuddles and hugs and being made to feel wanted and included in things. I have a small circle of friends. Most of them have settled down and had kids some are married. All seem to happy with thier lot. I'm not very happy with my lot. I know what you're thiking "the grass is always greener". It a cliche but it's true. I just feel like I want communicate with him but i end up feeling like i'm mentally screwed up and that he's the normal one because he just ingores his feelings because he's a man. I really hope this enforced separation has made him think really carefully about our/his future. He must now know I would leave him as I've shown I mean business. We seem to have lost our way. He distances himself so much that there's a big gulf between us.

My Dad has helped DH rebuild the bathroom wall which sits on a shiny strong RSJ. DH has texted to ask me to move back in in a couple of days once he's cleared/cleaned up. He also said he's missing me. Progess?

Oh KC you have both had such a horrible time of it, lots of unmumsnety hugs for you. Infertility and ttc are such horrible hard processes and no-one who hasn't gone through it really gets how soul-destroyingly horrible it can feel. And blokes in my experience anyway are absolutely useless with it - if they can't fix it, they can't seem to manage to do the emotional support either and just close off. I was going to post exactly what you said - that he is probably throwing himself into the house thing as one of those weird male coping strategies.

Have you had any counselling or therapy to help? not necessarily Relate (though that would probably help too - but I know it can be hard to get men to couples counselling) but something to help you sort through how you are feeling and deal with all the complicated horribleness of IVF and ttc?

It does sound as if you love and are missing each other.

VERY GLAD your house didn't fall down!!

OP - it sounds like he is determined to make the house a success to prove himself (at least that's something he can control), and possibly to distract/cheer you up as well.

"he just ingores his feelings because he's a man" - it's not a man thing, it's an individual thing. He doesn't ignore his feelings, but he may have been brought up to think it's shameful to express them. You need to help him try to break through that though.

You poor buggers, you both need a break.

I'd say that'a progress KC. If you dh is anything like mine (and it sounds as if he might be ) then to tell you he misses you and wants you to go back home is a big deal! Use that as your start maybe.

But do keep talking, we turned a corner when dh was really low (as was I) and i booked us a table at a restaurant (which we rarely do) and told him everything about how I was feeling, how he was making me feel, what i thought might help me, us and him. It did help, I think because i had hi undivided attention! And things have changed since then, not too much, but that's ok, i do love him for bring him! But just enough to make me feel a bit more secure and loved.

It's far, far from perfect but I think we understand each other a little bit more.

Good luck to you