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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be annoyed that DH has demolished kitchen wall without consulting me?

136 replies

KC11 · 15/10/2010 11:48

I came home from work to find the kitchen wall was no more. DH has been working on the wall above (bathroom wall) but seems to have decided that the kitchen wall (on ground floor of house) had to come out now rather than in two years or so (when we might have the money to have a single storey extension on the back of our house). He didn't phone or text me he just let me come home from work to find he's already demolished the wall! WTF? I had no opportunity to unpack the kitchen units that used to be attached to said wall. All of lounge furniture, leather sofas, the lampshades and even the papers and magazines on the table were all still in situ (under the thick layer of dust). I refuse to speak to him. I refuse to clear up the mess and i refuse to try to prepare any food or drinks in the house.

Any advice?

OP posts:
ChaoticAngel · 15/10/2010 17:00

YANBU but you probably already know that by now.

Your dp, however, is being a moron. If I was you I'd pack a bag and stay in a hotel, at his expense, until the work was done, be it by him or, preferably, an expert.

MollieO · 15/10/2010 17:09

You need to get some acro props in place over the weekend to take the weight of the first floor. If you need an RSJ then you need something in place pending installation of the RSJ.

Original poster
KC11 · 15/10/2010 17:18

mollieO. That sounds very stressful. hope all finished and decorated now.

I feel like a laughing stock. all my friends and family think his exploits are funny. If they got a phonecall saying we were both killed in the collapse of our house whould they still be laughing then?

I am sick of asking friends to support me all the time. they know what he is like and say that they wouldn't put up with it. What do I do? Divorce him because he tries too hard to make our house better? I don't want to be there this weekend abut i don't want to drag my mum and dad into this. it damages their relationship with DH. My mum does not like him much of the time because she says he takes life too easy. The result is it stresses me out. I think I'll have to go and stay at mum and dad's. My friends are mostly his friends. All my friends have children and we've not yet been able to have any. Difficult and uncomfortable situation to put myself in, i can't invite myself to stay at anyone's house.

What shall i do? Sleep on the office floor?!?

OP posts:
MollieO · 15/10/2010 17:22

KC11 long since finished fortunately but I did become very familiar with acros!

I would go and stay at your parents whilst your dh and his father sort it out and make it safe.

BudaisintheZONE · 15/10/2010 18:46

Yes. Go and stay with your parents.

I am sorry you are having problems conceiving. It's bloody hard when everyone else seems to be able to do it so easily.

Your DH sounds incredibly hard to live with. I am not sure I could live with someone who would do something so stupid and dangerous. I am not sure I would be able to trust him.

thebrownstuff · 15/10/2010 20:40

You sound like you could use some.
So what's happening about support structure at the weekend? It needs to be dealt with as a matter of urgency otherwise you stand to lose a heck of a lot....

DancingHippoOnAcid · 15/10/2010 20:45

Yes tbs, like their lives! Shock

KC, DO NOT stay in the house until it is properly propped up. Really YOU COULD ALL END UP DEAD!

Get the whole family booked into a hotel until this is done.

SpecterBooAlot · 15/10/2010 21:05

Fucking hell, give your DH a kick up the arse, pack yourself a bag, and book into a hotel using his credit card.

Sorry everything is a bit shit for you right now :( But you do need to have a serious chat with DH - he might have his heart in the right place, but he has misplaced his common sense in one of his catastrophes.

Who in the name of all that is holy wakes up one morning and thinks, "Ah, lovely day... I know, I'll demolish that wall today!" Confused

ratspeaker · 15/10/2010 21:44

OMG I thought at the begining that your DH was a builder and had got carried away and things had got messy

But you spoke to Building Control and they aren't worried about a wall that should have an RSJ not having one? Did you tell them the whole story?

giraffesCantDookForApples · 15/10/2010 21:50

Can you shake your dp? What is he saying when you tell him your house might fall down?

SarahStratton · 15/10/2010 21:53

Building Control not worrying that the house has no form of internal support is ever so slightly Hmm

Lynli · 15/10/2010 21:58

Whenever I have seen those makeover shows, where someone has knocked down half of their house and then left it, I think, as if they would do that.

Destroy their home and devalue it and endanger peoples lives.

YANBU if you decide to kill him.

MaimAndKilloki · 16/10/2010 01:27

I'm just hoping (for the sake of the OP mainly) that this is a joke thread, no one would do this, surely?! Confused

giraffesCantDookForApples · 16/10/2010 11:12

How are things this morning??

For those thinking a joke, op mentioned it breifly on another thread, and other posters encouraged her to start her own thread about it. So doesnt seem like a joke thread from that point to me, but then again I have been wrong about these things before Blush

DancingHippoOnAcid · 16/10/2010 12:03

Sadly, I really don't think this is a joke.

I have known men do things almost as mad as this.

Too many Bob the Builder toys when they were little perhaps?

MaimAndKilloki · 16/10/2010 12:08

Like I say, I hope it's a joke. Hope the OP is safe and ok today

systemsaddict · 16/10/2010 17:14

Oh yes some men will do things like this. I have a friend who decided his home needed a rewire, so went up into the loft and cut through all the electrics in one go, to force himself to sort it out ... that's the maddest one I've heard I think.

ratspeaker · 16/10/2010 17:20

I'm sure the OP could divorce him on the grounds of unreasonable behaviour

SarahStratton · 16/10/2010 18:40

I'm sure she could ratspeaker lol, but I bet she'd get a lot more satisfaction mashing his bollocks between two of the bricks he so thoughtfully knocked out for her Grin

thebrownstuff · 16/10/2010 19:17

OP, has it been sorted? Come back and tell us how it worked out. Just can't get my head around this...

Original poster
KC11 · 18/10/2010 10:09

Hi. I am alive and well. I stayed at my parents house all weekend and plan to stay there for a while longer. DH and my dad installed an RJS on Friday so the first floor of my house is supported again. Thank god. I am still annoyed and still can't believe that he said my dad was the encouraging one who tolfd him it's better to get all the mess out of the way in one go so that we won't have to go through the mess a second time. The mess was bad but it was the fact that no one consulted me about my own house that still riles me.

At least the house won't fall down now.

My dad is working there today to rebuild the bathroom wall that hasn't been there for a couple of weeks. That's why the RSJ had to go in now because they could access the ceiling of the kitchen.

I have spent a lovely weekend at parents house. Clean, tidy and a bathroom that has all the mod cons: floor, walls, ceiling, door and lighting not to mention a shower! Heaven!

I went back to my house on Sunday evening to collect clothes for work for the week. He didn't leave the TV to come and see me. I felt sick being back there. I'm not being melodramatic I really did feel sick. I don't know whether to leave him permanently I just don't think he loves me. He seems to love TV and telling his friends about the work he's going to do to the house. Why can't he understand that he is a bore. We don't go out much and when we do all people ask about is how the house is coming along. Then i have to smile politely and so everyone sees how "lucky" I am that he can do all this DIY to make the house nice and to save us shedloads of money. I don't care much about the money side of it. I just want plaster/tiles on the walls and the floor covered and a shower to use. I'm not asking for a palatial place to live in. Why can't we just pay someone to do this work? Because growing up he was ashamed of the house he lived in and wouldn't bring friends home because his parents couldnt' afford to redecorate their dated home. Apparently he hardly ever brought friends home. His home life didn't really involve family being invited over either. It's so different to the way I was brought up. My family are quite sociable. always getting together for a dinner or lunch or just because someone feels like gathering the family together. His family (particularly on my MIL's side) are not close to each other. It really strikes me sometimes how different our upbringings were. My mum is always inviting us over for meals. His mum invites us about twice a year. We all only live about 3 miles apart.

OP posts:
WitchyFlisspaps · 18/10/2010 12:03

KC :( He couldn't even be bothered to leave the telly to see you? Sounds like a couple of days away has given you the chance to see things differently...

GetOrfMoiLand · 18/10/2010 12:07

Poor you KC. No that is not on that he didn't even bother to come and see you when you went back to the house. Agree that perhaps this is what you need (the house madness and getting away for a few days) to see what he is like.

Sorry I thought this thread was funny on Friday, but you seem very down now. I would stay at your mums a bit longer to give you time to think on tyhings a bit more.

DancingHippoOnAcid · 18/10/2010 12:44

Glad you are OK KC. Was worried about you over the weekend.

Your DH is being an arse. Couldn't even be bothered to stop watching the TV to talk to you? He drove you out of your own home by making it unsafe to live in. he should be begging your forgiveness, the ratbag.

I think you are right, you need to have it out over his behaviour. it is completely unreasonable. He has to see that or it is difficult to see how you can go forward.

Really sad for youSad. You should not be having to put up with this.

Original poster
KC11 · 18/10/2010 14:56

Sarah I love that suggestion. But half of my problem is that we're trying very hard to have a child. TMI - but we've had three attempts as IVF all of which failed. I'm not religious but I think someone "Upstairs" is telling me to get out of this relationship. They are trying to tell me that it's not right. I have been married to him for ten years. I'm only 36. If i mash his boybits then there definitely won't be any children - ever. Still i love the mental imagery of mashing them between two bricks. My mum just rang to tell me that DH and my dad have almost finshed building the bathroom wall. So there's been some progress. Still a long way to go yet. I will hopefully stay at my parents for another couple of weeks. I hope he'll get lonely and realise that the separation is his doing and he holds the key to the solution. He has bucket loads of patience and says he enjoys DIY. I enjoy seeing friends, inviting them over to me, going to cinema, eating out, ten pin bowling, ice skating, walking. It seems he is stuck in a world where reality TV is everything. He's in his early forties. Weren't Big Brother and X Factor intended for teenagers and young adults???? He's probably waiting for I'm a Celebrity Get me Out of Here to start. I have seriously thought about cutting the plug off the TV in the lounge. Or the sky plus box.

OP posts: