to be saddened by a three week old baby in full time childcare?

[lilystyles]

At a local toddler group last week there was a childminder who I'm friendly with, she had with her a new child, a baby of 3 weeks who's mother had gone back to work full-time in teh pub she and her husband own. I am not judging this woman, it's her choice but I couldn't help but feel sad at the situation.

YANBU I can see why it makes you sad. I would feel very sad if I had to leave my 3 week old to work, of course I would do it if I had to but still sad.

FWIW I wouldn't class your OP as judgemental. It is just expressing your emotional reaction to an experience. If you had said AIBU to think this woman shouldn't work then that would be different.

YANBU, it is very sad.

Putting caps on toothpaste would be better in 2 regards.

1. You would probably have someone to talk to.

2. You would get paid.

Also you can't say that having a good experience of caring for a newborn is not something that should be looked down on and then say my opinion is bizarre. Both opinions are VALID and should not be judged.

YABU she needs to work in order to provide for the child.

Agree with Frrightattendant. Presumably the CM is mostly looking after the baby in the parents home - the pub. Sounds okay to me - although I personally would struggle to work whilst having very little sleep!

And IMO, YABU to be saddened without knowing the precise circumstances. If you were saddened cos the mother was terribly upset and heartbroken at having no choice to go back to work, then I would say YANBU. But you actually don't know the circumstances, or the feelings of those involved.

Libra, we are all just expressing our opinions.

If you read my post referring to what you said before, you'll see that I say we all have different opinions.
I don't have any beef with yours, I just do find it (personally) bizarre.

I'm not condemning you.

Maybe, if I were to go on to say I was talking shite & I made up my earlier post that would appease some here?

What do people want me to say?

That my newborn son was a wrinkly,squaking,boring,tiresome little arsehole & that I resented being at home caring for him.
That I resented having a saggy belly, being isolated & that bfing was hard & utterly shite & uneventful?

Sorry, but, not being a smug cow ,BUT it just wasn't like that for ME.

Maybe for others ,yes it WAS.

That's a shame.

That is shit,but, doesn't mean cos it all went well for me, that that is me attacking others.
I just relayed my own experience.

Zondra - I hear ya

When my baby was 3 weeks old and I was suffering sleep deprivation, soreness and raging hormones, everyones advice was to have some time away from the baby, get mum/MIL/anyone to watch her for a few hours so I could just go and do something else, something normal. Maybe this woman is taking this advice? I agree that you should be able to take mat leave when you want, I would not have chosen the first few months.

-lilystyles.

I normally keep off these topics.Now,I'm rem inded why!

OK so you can flame me Actually going in to childcare at this age is far kinder (especially a CM, not nursery) than at 9 months because by 9 months they have attachment. At 3 weeks they are very adaptable and don't fear strangers, so are not traumatised by separation, nor can they remember because memory is very short term at 3 weeks.

Frightattendant a childminder works from their own home, not the childs, so the mother is unlikely to see the child - I used to be one and because I had 4 children to care for we were only in the house for a few hours each day, my children had a great time though!

Zondra, you didn't just imply that it was like that for you though did you? You said that it was "biological" to feel that way when it is so obviously not for many, many women. I do not enjoy parenting babies; many other people find it incredibly hard work and don't enjoy it at all. It is surely better for a baby to spend time with someone who is calm, relaxed and happy, than someone who is crying, panicking and overwhelmed.

However, I suspect this woman is not doing it by choice, but out of necessity. I always find that it is best not to assume that everyone FEELS the same way I do. It is called empathy - it makes me a decent mother even though I went back to work when DD was five months

She probably had no choice. Children are not allowed in pubs and a business does not run itself.

I had to start work again when my baby was 2 weeks old last year. Admittedly working from home, with on site childcare, but still had to. You cannot judge someone without knowing all the facts.

The lovely woman who cleans for me is from the Phillipines. When she had her first baby she had to leave it there for a year and come and work for a year. It was with family, but still, I can't imagine how hard that must have beem. She has now had a second and is in a strong enough position to keep this child here.

It is sad, but other people have to do worse.

work here, not work for a year. oops

That's a very good point, thecaptaincrocfamily. It can be so hard on parent and baby if they are separated for the first time when the baby is between 7-9 months.

Some children go onto have long relationships with their childminder, being dropped off and picked up from school by them for years, so for the baby (and childminder) this could be the start of a very special relationship..

If both parents have to work full time, a childminder can be a very good long term option.

bathbuns, don't get me started on mothers who leave their babies to work abroad. Now that is sad. But obviously the mothers think they are doing the best for their child.

Frightattendant - the op met the cm and the baby at a toddler group
a childminder couldn't look after the other children she'd have in a pub, are you confusing a cm with a nanny / au pair?

I feel more sad for the mother than I do the baby TBH .

Clement, I am no scientist nor biologist but, I really don't think it is a wild assumption to presume a mother has a biological bond to her child.

A cm just doesn't. They may have a bond but, not an inbuilt instinct & love for another women's child.

Unfortunately, due to pnd,etc, some women's instincts don't kick in for their newborn.
That is sad but, I havn't implied that it is bad.

Clement, please believe me, I do have empathy for other mothers in all situations. We are all trying to do our best.

I'm not derriding anyone or wanting them to feel bad.
It just seems that some people are projecting their perhaps guilty (?) feelings on me with their spiky ripostes.
Then again, perhaps not, & they are as happy as I am in my choices.

I agree with Zondra.
Being apart from my 3 week old baby would physically hurt me. I remember going to the hairdressers when she was 6 weeks old, for 2 hours, and it seemed like the longest 2 hours of my life.
And for what it's worth I didn't find caring for a newborn easy, it was damned hard work as we all know, but she was my tiny helpless baby.
I do feel for the mum in this situation, no one can speak for her and I'm sure it's not something she finds easy. But I feel sure I would find some way to not have to leave a baby so young. That's how I felt, personally. And that's all we can really do isn't it, speak from our own perspectives.

Do you know what I loathe more than a judgemental, insensitive OP?

One that uses the word 'saddened'. Pernicious and disingenuous.

That's a bit harsh proudnscary

No its not

Yes 'saddened' is a fairly creepy sort of PA word. MN seems to like it quite a bit though. The kind of thing a HT who uses it before giving you a detention/caning/expulsion (delete as appropriate).