To expect my wife to return to work?

[Christhebear]

My wife and I have been married for 8 years. Our son was born in January this year. We waited a while before conceiving as we wanted to travel and basically have a good time before we had children.

My wife is an accountant and I am a senior partner in a large company. We both have extremely stressful and demanding jobs. My wife announced to me that she wants to resign as she finds her job extremely stressful and wants to stay at home to look after our son.

This is causing massive arguments because to continue the lifestyle we have we need two incomes. My wife is basically not the person I thought she was. She spends most of the day either shouting at me or crying, never does any cleaning, rarely cooks and basically devotes all her attention to our son. I have found a very good nursery for him but every time I bring it up she melts down and starts crying. She says that she doesn't need things anymore and is quite happy to just be a mother. I am not happy with this as I enjoy the finer things in life which I work bloody hard for and I am entitled to.

I don't know what to do anymore and I am contemplating an affair as our sex life is non existent. She is also breastfeeding which I think is impacting on her mental health as our son seems to be always on the breast.

Any advice from the female aspect would be appreciated.

Thank you.

Geek, " She says that she doesn't need things anymore and is quite happy to just be a mother. I am not happy with this as I enjoy the finer things in life which I work bloody hard for and I am entitled to."

Which reads 'I need her salary as well so we can buy expensive things and go on holiday' etc

Not...'We might need to budget a bit if she has decided to be a SAHM' but I fully support her in this decision'

So she wants to be with her child and its obviously too much to want that as a mother..I forgot men can breast-feed and fuck me wanting to be with your child after birth??..and expecting the father of the child to support you??..selfish in the extreme??? ..i swear

This is Mumsnet. Twatsnet is thataway

give it a rest squawking troll.put dat glistening torch away.i am willing to contribute as are others.dont actually care if troll or not.but hectoring on sidelines about trolls is really dull

geekoftheweek

"Imo it isn't fair to just expect someone else to provide for you."

He isn't providing for his DW, he is providing for his DC. IMO a mother is a better carer than some total stranger.

The experience of child bearing, child birth and parenting is different for women and men. I am sorry if this sounds old fashioned, and not PC, but it IS.

Women have to deal with all the physical hormonal and emotional side effects of it, while men only get the emotional effects. I agree it does seem unfair for the OP that his wife has changed to goal posts. However, having a baby changed me in ways that I never imagined possible before. I suspect his DW has experienced the same. Suddenly my whole outlook on life changed. Things that seemed important before became unnecessary, and stuff that never bothered me became intolerable. I was a vegetarian for 14 years, and after having DS I didn't see the point anymore. The only thing that mattered was my baby, for about 18 months I was absolutely besotted and obsessed, whilst also extremely tired and overwhelmed. This is normal and will pass. Just be patient.

I think your DW has changed and actually has got her priorities right, and you have not caught up.

The advice given about giving your wife a bit more time to think about it, under no pressure, and discussing at a later time the possibility of her doing part-time work is very sound. I know that I would have found it unbearable to leave my DS when he was so little.

You know how awful that affaire comment was, so no need to go there, is there?

Presumably her salary contributed to the household bills not just luxuries.

Why should the op work ft and not have any treats.

I guarantee resentment will fester.

Ok. To those of you who gave constructive advice thank you.

To those of you who insulted me, have a good evening.

I am going to admit I haven't read the thread.

But, Christhebear you could be describing me and my DH when I returned to work, when DS was 8.5mo - I was bfing, working full time in a highly stressful job. I was depressed, angry and resentful. And I missed my ds wo much it hurt physically

Fortunately for me I wasn't married to YOU. My husband was a hell of a lot more understanding than you. You come across as utterly selfish. Gets some cojones and start helping your wife - do you actually help around the house? Do you cook? Do you clean? Do you take your child off for an hour or two so your DW can have some much needed rest?

And yes we had a fabulous nursery for DS. But the money I earned never made up for the time I missed with my DS.

My DH supported me leaving my job and I now work from home, and we are al that much happier. True we don't have as much money but to be honest what with high nursery fees and my travel costs, me leaving my job didn't make such a huge difference to our income.

And you know what? Not once did my DH ever consider having an affair - how fucking dispicable that you are Perhaps she might be interested in sex if she wasn't so stressed and tired? And until she is happier may I suggest you go wank in the shower.

FFS.

"And until she is happier may I suggest you go wank in the shower"

Arf!

IMO it isn't just the fathers role to financially provide for any children.

Chris I suspect you will look back in a few years and see that your wife had the right idea. Material things are nice but time with your kids is something more precious than any possesion. They will be grown before you have even blinked.

Salizchap - I'm with you on this one.

This is all about you honey! What you want, what you don't have...

You probably didn't think a great deal abot what life would be like once the baby was actually here once he did arrive you kept expecting things to go back to normal.

This is normal.

At 8 months postpartum you have a small 8 month old child who demands your wifes time effort and energy. He needs her to care for him.

You are an adult.

You now need to stand up and be a man.

Your wife needs your support. Things will change gradually over time and things will get better - more how they used to be between you and your wife, but not if you treat her like crap or behave like an extra 8 month old.

Your wife sounds to me as tho she is doing a fabulous job yes she is findig it tough, but she's doing it! You don't sound as though you are being a very supportive dad - and I have tried to ignore the breastfeeding and affair comments in your op.

Okay, I'll be honest, my first thought was Hairy Creature From Under The Bridge...but let's go with you being genuinely seeking advice.

First off, I think you need to accept that the fundamental change in your life is not going to be driven by whether or not your wife goes back to work. Your life has already changed, because you have a baby. From here on, nothing will be the same. Not your sleep patterns, not your sex life, not your holidays, nothing. There is another person in your life, and this is the new normal for your relationship.

Secondly, it sounds as if you, yourself, have very little relationship with your son. Therefore, unsurprisingly, it feels like you are in competition with him for your wife's attention. Do you have the opportunity to spend time with him? If not, I'd highly recommend you start spending time with him, just the two of you. As a nice side-benefit, this will give your wife some time to herself, which I think she's sorely in need of. However, the main point of this is that you and your baby get some time together.

Thirdly, you're right; nothing prepares you for parenthood. However, we all have to learn. There is no going back. I genuinely think that your biggest problem here is not your relationship with your wife - it's your relationship with your son. Start building a bond with him, just him, and you will hopefully realise that he is not stealing your wife from you. He needs you just as much as he needs your wife.

I hope this helps and I wish you luck.

8 months old and still feeding 4 or 5 times a night? Sounds like baby is enjoying the exclusive mummy attention a bit too much! He should be packing away the milk and solids during the day and doing more sleeping at night. That would certainly help the mummy feel a bit more human and is better longterm for the baby. I would recommend finding a helpful HV or nursery nurse to advise on how to get him to eat a bit better during the daytime and stop relying on those comforting night-time feeds. It is totally doable with minimal distree to both parties!

And, OP, my dh was a bit like you until my first child got to about 14/15 months and was running about and communicating a bit. Dads can find it hard knowing what to do with such a vulnerable little thing, especially when it looks like mum knows it all and is the 'expert'. Hang on in there, admit to feeling useless, and ASK your wife to show you how to do stuff, trust me it will make her feel a whole lot more valued. Oh and my dh gave himself a bit of a crash cookery course, which meant we both got to eat well, he learnt stuff, his self-esteem rocketed, and I appreciated him a lot more.

Good luck

Come now, cupcakes.., it's blindingly obvious why tiz leetle thread was spun; if I were a less ..eerr... nice ... or somesuch, person, I'd say, good laugh - why, a whole herd of compassionate dears giving heartfelt advice to a bored numpty/s.

And don't wank in the shower your mrs won't be bothered to clean it up and you will have to come on here wingeing again.

yep, second the comment about no matter how much money she could earn, it would never make up for the time missed.
Your wife is obviously a high achieving professional and some day she will probably want to go back to work, either part or full time.
She probably doesn't want someone phoning up to tell her your son did his first crawl or took his first steps. No amount of money can make up for that time. Some people don't have that option, but you have a good job and can manage for the time being. What sort of luxury travels were you planning with a baby anyway!!! The sleepless exotic holiday would not be much fun¬!

lmao@Rolly tis our nature

forgot to respond about the cosleeping. Perhaps this could be an area of compromise? Many people put baby in own room at six months. Understand the night feed issue but now he is starting solids that should surely improve?

Jesus, some of you people are so unbelievably, gobsmackingly RUDE. How the fuck do you know he's a troll? I mean really?

He apologised for his insensitive OP, what more do you want.

I'm off to bed..had about as much MN troll bullshit as I can take for one day.

You sound like a right arse, but actually I want to give you a big hug.

I do think it is hard for men to adjust to the new pecking order when a baby arrives; it is of course hard for women too, but especially if a woman is breastfeeding, and dad is working, then mum ends up spending more one-on-one time with baby, and gets used to it quicker.

You need to accept that things have changed. This is forever. But the negativity you feel about it isn't. As your son gets older, is less dependant on your wife, and becomes more of a person that you can relate to, it might not get easier, but it will become more of a two-person thing, and will be more enjoyable.

Check out this book. Its a normal book for normal first time dads, with a sense of humour inserted into it.

Please do not pressure her into feeling she has to return to work or that she should stop breastfeeding. Give her some time to herself when you can; take the baby out for a walk in the buggy, take him to the local library or something, not just for her, but for you as well.

You will have to bite the bullet and accept that some of the luxuries you used to indulge in are now things off the past, and probably would be whether she was working or not.

You need to respect that if she is content "just" being a mother, then she is content. Her happiness is just as important as yours. She is doing a very demanding, tiring, stressful full-time job now - looking after your child! There is no pay, and very little praise, but it is enough for (some) people. I am a full-time mum for health reasons and there are days when I think wistfully about finding a nursery for DS. However, the three hours he spends in a creche when I am training on a Tuesday morning are heart wrenching for me. And actually, I find I enjoy his company a lot; he interacts with me now, and I feel good knowing I am forming him into the person he will become. The smiles and hugs he gives me pay a lot more to my heart than any wages would into my bank.

Have a (carefully worded) conversation with her - you are being very selfish, which you have acknowledged, but you are also obviously miserable. Tell her how you are feeling about missing how things were, but also tell her what a fantastic mother she is.

Good luck, and give yourself a slap for me

It's simple. Just buy yourself nice stuff with your wages and she gets nuffink, the lazy old trout.

Yes, segregated shopping. Christ shops at Waitrose, wife and nipper shop at Lidl. Sounds fair.

"Sounds like baby is enjoying the exclusive mummy attention a bit too much!"

Oh yes! At 7 months and 23 days they should relinquish all that lovely attention because they're on solids...