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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be livid and really sad?

125 replies

SleepyCaz · 03/10/2010 08:03

DH went on a stag night last night. He organised it, as he is the best man.

He never came back, so I called at 7am this morning. He is on one of our best (female) mates sofa. He apparently invited her to take photos of the night, as he and all his mates would be too pissed. She was also at his stag night.

Nobody else is there. She lives alone. All the other blokes made it home, but DH, the only married one, the only one with kids, had to go back to hers alone.

Have been uncomfortable with their friendship for a while. Have had a right go at him on the phone and he has hung up. God know's how or when he'll get home.

I am on the verge of tears and also enraged.

Why does SHE think this is an acceptable thing to do? Even if he is on the sofa, like he said? I can just see the cosy, drunken taxi home, then the sitting up drinking on her couch.

I never want to speak to her again, but also want to tear a strip off her.

I feel like leaving DH. I am humilliated and upset. He will deny anything happened and make out like I'm being mental.

DC's also keep asking where he is.

FUCKS SAKE.

OP posts:

AlgebraKnocksItUpANotchBAM · 03/10/2010 08:09

oh dear. horrible situation.

do you have any 'real' reason to believe anything would've happened? not to belittle your feelings, but do you actually know?

gingernutlover · 03/10/2010 08:11

what was his reason for not coming home, when everyone else managed to get home?

I would be very very annoyed too but hoping for you that this is all totally innocent on his part and just a stupid judgement call he made.

I would be very wary of someone who makes out I was being mental - you have every right to be upset at him and tell him so.

thisisyesterday · 03/10/2010 08:11

oh gosh, i have to say i would be absolutely livid.

i have no advice though :( i hope you can sort it all out

bigchris · 03/10/2010 08:11

Well if you don't trust him to have just slept on her sofa that's a different issue
I wouldn't leave him just because he slept on a mates sofa for one night out of however many nights of marriage he's had with you

but it sounds like you think they're having an affair

gorionine · 03/10/2010 08:14

I would feel exactly like you TBH but do not make any hasty decisions, it might have been as innocent as he said. This woman, you say she lives alone but is she in a relationship herself? You say "she is one of our best female friends" which makes me think you do know her well too. Has she ever given you reasons to be weary?

I do not understand either what reason can make the taxi fare to hers a better opion than a taxi fare to his own house but I am thinking with a very sober brain and your DH probably was not.

RipMacWinkle · 03/10/2010 08:17

Honestly? I'd go nuts too.

Even without the backstory with this mate, I do think it's odd that your DH couldn't get home when everyone else could.

Not sure what i'd do here tbh. Guess you need to try and speak properly without losing the head.

Good luck!

Rosedee · 03/10/2010 08:19

Ok when he gets home you need to calmly explain why this is not acceptable. Try not to lose your rag. Don't accuse him if anything just see what he says. If he says sorry I was drunk and being a div fine, tell him he owes you a dinner out to say sorry, if he gets defensive then ask why he is being like that and how he would like it if you had done this. Stay calm!

DaisyDaresYOU · 03/10/2010 08:20

Well i was enraged when dp was sleeping on blokes sofas,that was bad enough.A woman on the other hand is different.Have you got other reasons not to trust them?

Vallhala · 03/10/2010 08:21

Why on earth are you quesstioning the lifestyle choices, behaviour or right to do as they please of a SINGLE woman? Clearly you don't trust your husband and if you have issues in your marriage - which tbh sounds possible - it should be HIM you speak to and deal with.

A single woman's life is her own business. If anyone confronted me about going out with my male friends or having one of my many married male pals to stay overnight it would be them who would be torn off a strip!

Bluntly, you sound either terribly insecure and jealous or as if you have past history with your DH and other women. If it's the former, you need to get to grips with it yourself, if it's the latter you need to deal with your marriage, starting with a long talk with HIM when he comes home, not wasting your time telling another woman what she should or should not be doing. She's unlikely to obey you for a start! More importantly, your marriage, if it's at stake, is the issue here, and DH's respect for it, you and your family needs to be addressed.

DaisyDaresYOU · 03/10/2010 08:24

If it was a woman i trusted which i do know people who i can trust it wouldn't bother me.But i think women have instincts for a reason,if something doesn't feel right you have to tackle it

diddl · 03/10/2010 08:31

Well I agree with others that it´s him I´d be pissed off with.

I do think it´s odd that he invited her to someone elses stag night tbh.

Do men really want photos of their stag night?

TigerFeet · 03/10/2010 08:36

"WHy does SHE think it's an acceptable thing to do?"

WHy are you passing this on to her? It's your dh you need to be having it out with. He is an adult who is capable of making his own decisions, he is not a sheep to be lead away by the wicked woman.

In your situation I'd be annoyed too but with dh, not with the woman upon whose sofa he slept. TBH I would be annoyed he'd stayed out all night without telling me, I trust him not to shag any of the women we know so the owner of the sofa upon which he slept wouldn't matter at all, woman or man. I would be angry but I wouldn't be feeling humiliated and I wouldn't be thinking of leaving him.

Sounds like you don't trust him, which is an issue between you and him, the friend is only secondary.

Your reaction sounds like there is more than this one night going on. I feel for you and I hope you get something sorted out. Good luck.

LadyintheRadiator · 03/10/2010 08:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Blatherskite · 03/10/2010 08:37

My ex left me for one of our 'best friends' so I'd be absolutely livid with both of them. But then in my case, she actively courted him while knowing he was with me. She'd done it before too.

Seems odd that they'd need photos of a stag do. Aren't stag dos supposed to be like Vegas - what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas type thing? I had make friends at my hen night but there was more than one and I didn't spend the night alone with any of them!

Alouiseg · 03/10/2010 08:37

What Valhalla said.

Goblinchild · 03/10/2010 08:37

You are jealous, but you need to talk to him not her.

proudnglad · 03/10/2010 08:45

I'm sorry I am inclined to think something went on.

I trust my dh totally and, though he can occassionally be a bit of a (38 year old) lad and I wouldn't put it past him staying out all night on a stag do, I would be extremely unhappy and suspicious about this.

Wait til he's home and has slept before confronting him because you will get nowhere if you tackle it with him in this state.

I'm really gutted and angry on your behalf. And by the way, I WOULD be angry with the woman, too. She should know how a wife would feel about this.

MumInBeds · 03/10/2010 08:49

Maybe I'm alone here but if it were my dh then my first assumption would be that as he was the only married one of the party he had more sense of responsibility for getting a lone woman home safely then he flaked out on her sofa.

But then I don't know your dh nor this woman.

Goblinchild · 03/10/2010 08:49

'She should know how a wife would feel about this.'

I'd trust my husband, and if he let me down, I'd blame him.
'The woman tempted me Lord' isn't much of a defence really.
We've both stayed out numerous times and kipped on friends' sofas over the 28 years we've been together, as students, childless, with babies, children and teens. I see it continuing to happen when we are geriatric and our children are gone.

diddl · 03/10/2010 08:50

I´d be wondering why he invited her to his own stag night & someone elses tbh.

loopyloops · 03/10/2010 08:57

I'd be furious.

Why didn't he call you to let you know where he was? That in itself would be a yellow card from me.

I think the others are right, you anger should be directed at him not her, but if she's your friend too I think you can justifiably be cross with her too.

Let us know how you get on, I hope you're ok. :)

proudnglad · 03/10/2010 08:59

Goblin - I meant given the specific circumstances. The fact it was a stag do so any woman would surely know a wife would be surprised/unhappy to hear one woman went along. And the fact OP has felt uncomfortable for a while which indicates a level of inappropriate contact or feelings between them.

And yes of course the blame lies squarely with OP's husband for upsetting her, and if something untoward happened (sorry OP).

I am not one to blame the OW, trust me.

PosieParker · 03/10/2010 09:01

OMG....been there! Not with a female that I know but any random sofa, and DH has never had the balls to admit a thing. Can't end your marriage on a whim, but don't want to be foolish either. Apparently it's easier to tell if he's lying if you ONLY listen and don't look at him!! Good luck! (you can't blame her either, she could think your DH is minging or the most amazing man, she's not married and she's nothing to lose....your DH is the one with the commitment.)

Vallhala · 03/10/2010 09:09

Oh FFS I've been the only woman on stag days/nights. I've been invited because unlike the wives/girlfriends I don't get jealous at the drop of a hat, don't begrudge anyone their freedom and I was "one of the lads", there on the terraces watching the footie with them in the pouring rain, listening to their women-problems.

I wasn't shagging any of them!

Goblinchild · 03/10/2010 09:13

Ditto what Valhalla posted, except I dislike football.
We have things in common?

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