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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be livid and really sad?

125 replies

SleepyCaz · 03/10/2010 08:03

DH went on a stag night last night. He organised it, as he is the best man.

He never came back, so I called at 7am this morning. He is on one of our best (female) mates sofa. He apparently invited her to take photos of the night, as he and all his mates would be too pissed. She was also at his stag night.

Nobody else is there. She lives alone. All the other blokes made it home, but DH, the only married one, the only one with kids, had to go back to hers alone.

Have been uncomfortable with their friendship for a while. Have had a right go at him on the phone and he has hung up. God know's how or when he'll get home.

I am on the verge of tears and also enraged.

Why does SHE think this is an acceptable thing to do? Even if he is on the sofa, like he said? I can just see the cosy, drunken taxi home, then the sitting up drinking on her couch.

I never want to speak to her again, but also want to tear a strip off her.

I feel like leaving DH. I am humilliated and upset. He will deny anything happened and make out like I'm being mental.

DC's also keep asking where he is.

FUCKS SAKE.

OP posts:
LadyintheRadiator · 03/10/2010 09:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

OutOutLetItAllOut · 03/10/2010 09:17

but Valhalla, you dont get jealous about what those men may do or say due to the fact that they are not your partner/ husband/ boyfriend. so you dont have a vested interest in what they are doing. if you were their partner, they wouldnt take you. its not the same to say that cause you are no harm to a relationship that no woman is.
op knows this woman, so she may have good reason to worry.
for what its worth id be fuming. a stag night is fine, but he should have come home.

loopyloops · 03/10/2010 09:21

I've been asked on stag dos and refused out of respect for their partners.

And I'm married. It just doesn't seem right if the other ladies are excluded.

For the same reason I won't eat Yorkies. Grin

Kathyjelly · 03/10/2010 09:29

I don't think you can blame her. For all you know, she thinks your DH texted you, got the ok to sleep on her sofa and she's completely oblivious to any of this.

You need to sort it out with your DH.

proudnglad · 03/10/2010 09:35

Umm, can I add to my previous posts, I do not have a jealous bone in my body and have no trust issues at all with dh (who has female friends blah de blah)

So Valhalla, that's a bit insulting to lump anyone who finds this behaviour crappy and suspicious into 'silly jealous wives'.

AlpinePony · 03/10/2010 09:36

Get a grip. Unless she has a trick vagina and has cast a black magic spell upon him, you can't blame her if he's dipping his wick!

TryLikingClarity · 03/10/2010 10:01

OP - do you think DH would have told you where he'd slept if you hadn't have rung him?

Is this a woman that you know too?

mamadiva · 03/10/2010 10:04

Sleepy if it's any consulation I would be going MENTAL too but I am a very insecure person and DP knows this, are you normally anxious about these things or is there something that has been leading up to this?

FWIW I would also tend to be sitting angry with BOTH of them yes she has no responsabilities but I think when you are angry it's difficult to rationalize these things!

Is DH on his way home? I'm inclined (as a slightly rational outsider) to think that he could have easily lied about where he was and got a away trouble free, but5 he has'nt so kind of seems like 'well if something happened why tell you half truth?' Am I making sense?

Probably not :o

Imarriedafrog · 03/10/2010 10:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MrsC2010 · 03/10/2010 10:14

I think the OP threw the comment about the other woman in because she was upset, I don't think she intended it to be the focus of the discussion.

OP, I would feel a little weird about this too...not because I don't trust my husband but because in your situation he didn't contact you to say he wasn't coming home (disrespectful) and everyone else managed to get home.

I have always been slightly 'one of the lads' due to the industry that I worked in and the hobby/sport I took part in. Many of my best friends are male, and I would always be careful to be respectful to other's relationships. Single or not, you can be aware of how things might be perceived, being single doesn't absolve you of that. I'm not saying blame the woman, yell at her or whathaveyou, but as a general rule everyone has responsibility.

DelphiSwimsLate · 03/10/2010 10:31

Have you ever been comfortable with their friendship?
How do they know each other?
Were you uncomfortable with her attending your DHs stag do and If you were, did you address it with him at the time?

You need to get to the root of the problem wrt to how you feel about their friendship.
Under any circumstances, if he was not coming home he should have let you know.

bundlebelly · 03/10/2010 10:31

I think you are being completely normal to feel very upset and angry. He is being very disrespectful of your feelings and trashing your relationship.

How the hell would he feel if you stayed out all night on some blokes 'sofa'.
I hope he realises what he's done and is truely sorry.

LisaD1 · 03/10/2010 10:48

I would be furious but with my DH. HE is married to me and HE owes me the repsect of at the very least letting me know he isn't coming home. I would be livid if he did this.

But my anger would be focussed on him. The woman is, in my opinion, irrelevant, she is single and free to offer her sofa to whoever she wants, he on the other hand is not so free to accept without having the decency to let his wife know where he will be.

Reality · 03/10/2010 10:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mamatomany · 03/10/2010 11:03

I know what you are saying OP because no woman I know would have a married man sleep on her sofa, not my friends or sisters because we do know it would cause trouble so if we were of pure motive we'd send him home to his wife.
Sounds like at the very best this woman likes a bit of a florence nightingale role now and then and your DH enjoys the attention.

Oh and Vallhala, you don't have to be shagging them to be being unfaithful do you ?

ledkr · 03/10/2010 11:07

I MARRIED A FROG i would if dh did it to me tho-- the next bloody weekend!
In my experience if they dont come home its usually a bit of an issue.You can always manage a badly spelt text or incoherant phone call tho-well i can anyway.I have a best male friend and my dh did struggle a bit at first with it but hes ok now but knowing this i wouldnt stay over at his house when drunk and without telling dh.

Goblinchild · 03/10/2010 11:10

Ouch mama! So do you believe that a close friendship between members of the opposite sex is always sexual?
OH and I are academic types with different areas of interest and shared areas as well.
So we often go with friends rather than each other, and, being rather low income, sofas are cheaper and easier than hotels. There's always communication of some sort
Especially if it's a conference, you come back, crack open a bottle and continue the debate until the early hours...
The majority of our friends in that zone of our lives feel similarly about it, and do the same.
I have other friends who would feel exactly the same as the OP

Bramshott · 03/10/2010 11:12

YANBU to be livid that he stayed out all night without calling to let you know, and that everyone else managed to get home safely.

However, unless you have a history here, or real grounds for suspicion, whose sofa he stayed on is irrelevant. You either trust him or you don't.

I agree with other posters that your problem is with your DH, not with his friend who simply offered her sofa Hmm.

LadyBiscuit · 03/10/2010 11:19

I would let a male friend sleep on my sofa if he wanted/needed to. I think it's really jumping to conclusions to say that this mutual friend is not a friend of their marriage - not all single women are horribly predatory you know Hmm

I would be furious if I were the OP but at him, not at her.

mamatomany · 03/10/2010 11:26

So do you believe that a close friendship between members of the opposite sex is always sexual?

No not at all, but that's not the debate is it, he should have texted to let her know her and she should have sent him home, then there would be no misunderstandings would there ?

saythatagain · 03/10/2010 11:28

For her oh not to have made contact is disrespectful. It seems there are historical issues that makes the op feel like she does. In that instance I fell sorry for her and would feel very upset too. Wonder if he has returned home yet?

salizchap · 03/10/2010 11:31

I disagree with Valhala and Co about it not being partly the woman's responsibility. If she is also your friend she should be considerate of your feelings. It would be different if she didn´t know you from adam, then all the responsibility would be on your DP.

He is being a arse, and you need to sit down and discuss it calmly. He needs to understand your perfectly natural feelings sbout this. I would also ask him nicely to respect your insecurities and not to see this woman alone in future.

TiggyD · 03/10/2010 11:32

If a unattended man spent a night/morning at a woman's house they would have had sex. He's a man.

In the same way, if an unattended man goes to a party with women there he will have sex with all of them. He's a man.

If an unattended man goes to B&Q he will automatically seek out all the females working there and have sex with them. He's a man.

Never, ever let men leave your sight.

FFS [rolls eyes]

Nancy66 · 03/10/2010 11:35

I think you're being totally unreasonable. it sounds like she is a long term friend - and you're simply jealous.

maybe the reason only he stayed with her is because she knows and trusts him and felt comfortable with him - but not the others.

Goblinchild · 03/10/2010 11:36

Thank God I read right to the end of your post.Grin
Oh is wearing his puzzled face, reading over my shoulder. He really doesn't get the ownership bit, although he understands that contact should have been made. He may realise yet again what a luck, lucky man he is.Grin
No, I am not a KimandAggie clone, and my surfaces don't twinkle.
But he appreciates the freedom and the trust we have more.