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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be livid and really sad?

125 replies

SleepyCaz · 03/10/2010 08:03

DH went on a stag night last night. He organised it, as he is the best man.

He never came back, so I called at 7am this morning. He is on one of our best (female) mates sofa. He apparently invited her to take photos of the night, as he and all his mates would be too pissed. She was also at his stag night.

Nobody else is there. She lives alone. All the other blokes made it home, but DH, the only married one, the only one with kids, had to go back to hers alone.

Have been uncomfortable with their friendship for a while. Have had a right go at him on the phone and he has hung up. God know's how or when he'll get home.

I am on the verge of tears and also enraged.

Why does SHE think this is an acceptable thing to do? Even if he is on the sofa, like he said? I can just see the cosy, drunken taxi home, then the sitting up drinking on her couch.

I never want to speak to her again, but also want to tear a strip off her.

I feel like leaving DH. I am humilliated and upset. He will deny anything happened and make out like I'm being mental.

DC's also keep asking where he is.

FUCKS SAKE.

OP posts:

LadyBiscuit · 03/10/2010 11:37

If a male friend asked me if he could crash on my sofa I would have expected he would have told his wife. It is not up to the friend to make sure that he did - she's not responsible for policing his behaviour.

Toughasoldboots · 03/10/2010 11:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

nickschick · 03/10/2010 11:44

My dh used to have a girl best friend,she is in fact the dcs godmother,she and him were aklways very huggy, v remember this???.

He had spent time with her lots before me, they had shared the same bed she had accompanied him on long trips (hes a lorry driver).

She didnt like me,calls me and still does 'the bimbo'.

Anyway long story cut short.

Leave them to it-whatever they are friends or lovers will carry on regardless of your opinion.

However she wont like it when she gets a new partner whom you might get on very well with .

sit and bide your time.

loubielou31 · 03/10/2010 11:46

Drunk husbands are always complete idiots! I'd be inclined to write down why you are so cross with him and how sad this has made you and leave it for him to read when he get's home. I find I am more coherent when I've written it down and express better the real reasons why I'm so sad rather than njust ranting. Also I think your dh will "listen" better to a letter than a shouting wife.

Next I suggest taking the children out otherwise you'll sit at home fuming all day until he sobers up enough to make it home. If you don't have a friend nearby you can go and bitch with then take the dcs to a soft play or even just a shopping centre where they can run around, throw money in the ponds that they always have and get under the shoppers feet. (you don't know them so who cares about disapproving looks.

I hope he realises he's wrong for not coming home regardless of where he was and making you worry!
I also think where he stayed was wrong but I can't express why just yet but I know that I would feel similarly let down if my dh did that.

Giddyup · 03/10/2010 11:58

Disclaimer my post is bitter and coloured by my own experience so unhelpful!

YABU, I've been invited on stag dos and not gone... it's distasteful to the bride. Who even if not one of my close friends deserves to be respected as the girl my friend is marrying.

My judgement is coloured though, fun laddette girl who was mates with ex and sat on all the boys laps, went on stags etc shagged ex when DS was 4 months old. For some reason she just gets on better with guys and girls are always off with her, she doesn't know why... etc etc

I totally get the fact females and males can be the best of friends, that's why for my "hen do" I am having all my best friends male and female, that is very different to just one girl.

I doubt anything happened last night, but I bet she loves the attention and "the special relationship" she has with your DH

UnquietDad · 03/10/2010 12:00

It's not exactly odd to be pissed on a stag-do and sleep it off on a mate's sofa rather than head home under the influence. The fact that it was a female mate should make no difference unless you already don't trust him or her for some reason.

prozacfairy · 03/10/2010 12:02

Don't blame you for being livid, but have it out with your husband.

Assuming he wasn't bound and gagged he chose to go home with a single woman, she didn't make him. He should be the one who is grovelling and very fucking sorry, her not so much unless something did actually happen.

TiggyD · 03/10/2010 12:15

"I feel like leaving DH. I am humilliated and upset. He will deny anything happened and make out like I'm being mental."

Jealousy: Jealousy is an emotion and typically refers to the negative thoughts and feelings of insecurity, fear, and anxiety over an anticipated loss of something that the person values, such as a relationship, friendship, or love. Jealousy often consists of a combination of emotions such as anger, sadness, and disgust.

IUsedToBeFab · 03/10/2010 12:17

What are his reasons for not coming home?

VictoriasLittleKnownSecret · 03/10/2010 12:22

Personally I'd ask him if this behaviour would be ok from you?
How would he feel if you went out for the night and never came home.......nor contacted him and then he found out you were on a your male friends sofa?

Gay40 · 03/10/2010 12:24

What a completely ridiculous overreaction.

Never mind are you being unreasonable, if I was him I might pack my own bags.
I couldn't live with that level of hysteria and mistrust.

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 03/10/2010 12:26

To me it's the fact that everyone else made it home, except for your DH.

What was so appealing about staying where he was that it was only him that couldn't be arsed to get in his own cab?

I would be furious, and not because I think in a million years that my DH would get up to anything he shouldn't, but because it is disrespectful to not come home when you are expected, especially when there are children in the equation.

NestaFiesta · 03/10/2010 12:27

YADNBU! Sleepy- don't let your husband label you "mental", its belittling and he is sticking a label on you that excuses all his behaviour.

Don't let anyone tell you you're just being jealous and that you have insecurity issues and therefore implying you're a bit OTT.

What your DH did was disrespectful towards you, drunk or not. He is also a father as well as a husband, not some pissed up 18 year old on his first trip away from home. He has responsibilities.

Would he be fine and shrug it off if you a) went on a hen do where one lone straight man was invited, but no partners, b) went home with man, c) didn't phone DH to tell him where you were d) didn't seem remorseful. Would he laugh it off and say "these things happen" and be fine? No, didn't think so. YANBU.

Imarriedafrog · 03/10/2010 12:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Monalisa74 · 03/10/2010 12:29

Agree with everything NestaFiesta said.
YANBU

perfumedlife · 03/10/2010 12:32

It's ignorant for him not to have called you and doubly ignorant to hang up on you this morning.

I think he might like the ego massage of a female buddy, but the photos of the stag night doesn't ring true to me. Why would men give a stuff about photos of them pissed?

I would ignore him completely when he comes in, wait for him to start the excuse-athon.
That should speak volumes.

Apart from all that, I don't think it's right for a married man to stay out all night with out calling, on a male of femail's sofa.

perfumedlife · 03/10/2010 12:33

Oh, and as for labelling you mental? That's a red flag right there.

MoonUnitAlpha · 03/10/2010 12:38

I trust my DP, doesn't bother me that he has close female friends and sleeping on their sofa wouldn't be a problem. I'd be pretty pissed off that he hadn't called to say he was staying out though.

I guess if you have reason not to trust him it's different though.

TiggyD · 03/10/2010 12:45

NestaFiesta and Perfumedlife:"don't let your husband label you "mental", its belittling and he is sticking a label on you that excuses all his behaviour" and "as for labelling you mental? That's a red flag right there."???!!!!!

The OP said "He will deny anything happened and make out like I'm being mental."

Her husband is not labeling her mental. She is saying rather unkindly that she thinks he will. You can't criticise him for what she thinks he will do.

annapolly · 03/10/2010 12:48

He invited a woman, on some flimsy excuse.
No need to do that.

He could have gone home with any of the other men.

He didn't let you know where he was.

If you think something is going on it probably is, I think you should always trust your instincts.

fustyarse · 03/10/2010 12:51

it's his lack of consideration and respect for you that you should be pissed off at. Never mind his female friend. It wouldn't matter if it had been a male or female friend frankly.

He should've called to let you know he wasn't coming home. Do you see why he didn't call? Because he knew you'd be fucked off with him and wouldn't have 'let' him stay. He figured he would deal with your bad mood in the morning.

That would piss me off too.

Don't let him belittle your feelings - just because he doesn't agree with them doesn't mean they aren't valid. You feel how you feel.

KarmaAngel · 03/10/2010 12:52

YANBU I'd be exactly the same as you. It is disrespectful to you, at the very least because he didn't let you know.

The "mental" thing is a bit of a red flag IMO. Why would he say that? I know I've had some problems with my DH and a woman he works with. But he has at least tried to see things from my perspective, and has said he wouldn't like it if the tables were turned. If he's have called me mental my suspicions would be even higher.

Talker2010 · 03/10/2010 12:54

Entirely possible that he did not want her to have to make her own way home, then that he did not want to wake up you and the kids arriving home drunk and loud

Would not have been an issue if he had not invited her along in the first place ... stag dos are meant to be exactly that ... STAG ... personally I think that it is odd that she would want to go along to a stag do and take photos ... and that is from a position of being a woman who always had far more male friends than female when I was younger

Nancy66 · 03/10/2010 12:55

The Mumsnet Marriage rules:

Husbands should not have female friends

Husbands should not really have any friends

Husbands should not have nights out without the wife.

they should ring their wives a minimum of every 20 minutes to update their movements.

If said husband does not respond to a text/call within 30 seconds he is almost certainly dead or having an affair

If he stands up for himself he is being a controlling aggressor

No man can be in the same room as a woman without fucking her.

The3Bears · 03/10/2010 12:56

I dont have any good advice about this but just the reassurance that I would be fuming too. And tbh he should have known this was unreasonable and not done it innocent or not :)

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