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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be livid and really sad?

125 replies

SleepyCaz · 03/10/2010 08:03

DH went on a stag night last night. He organised it, as he is the best man.

He never came back, so I called at 7am this morning. He is on one of our best (female) mates sofa. He apparently invited her to take photos of the night, as he and all his mates would be too pissed. She was also at his stag night.

Nobody else is there. She lives alone. All the other blokes made it home, but DH, the only married one, the only one with kids, had to go back to hers alone.

Have been uncomfortable with their friendship for a while. Have had a right go at him on the phone and he has hung up. God know's how or when he'll get home.

I am on the verge of tears and also enraged.

Why does SHE think this is an acceptable thing to do? Even if he is on the sofa, like he said? I can just see the cosy, drunken taxi home, then the sitting up drinking on her couch.

I never want to speak to her again, but also want to tear a strip off her.

I feel like leaving DH. I am humilliated and upset. He will deny anything happened and make out like I'm being mental.

DC's also keep asking where he is.

FUCKS SAKE.

OP posts:
Alouiseg · 03/10/2010 12:57

Nice one Nancy, there's a whole load of simmering resentment and insecurity out there :o

cumfy · 03/10/2010 12:58

Do you trust her ?

Go round out of the blue and ask her what went on.

Ask why he didn't kip at male friend's.

Try to be calm!

rubbersoul · 03/10/2010 12:59

Do they both know how uncomfortable you feel about their friendship, sleepycaz?

ivykaty44 · 03/10/2010 13:02

It is your marriage and if you don't think it is acceptable behaviour, that is your perogative and there isn't really any comprimise.
if you let your dh know that it is not acceptable then he either stops doign so and respects you or he will do this behind your back.

Don't allow him to blame you for his actions, he needs to grow up on that one.

tell him your not happy and you will not be made as as the villan in this episode of his not yours.

TiggyD · 03/10/2010 13:06

Oi, KarmaAngel! "The "mental" thing is a bit of a red flag IMO. Why would he say that?"

HE DID NOT SAY THAT! She said he would say that.

MrsFlittersnoop · 03/10/2010 13:08

YABVU. Unless he has previous form.

Does it not occur to you that you should thank said friend for her hospitality in allowing your drunk and incapable DH to crash on her sofa? As far I can see, as a single soman living alone, SHE was the person being inconvenienced, and frankly taking a risk, if only that of being subjected to husband-stealing accusations.

Was he needed home for any particular reason the following morning? Are you struggling to cope at home alone? In which case yes, he shouldn't have stopped out at short notice.

He should aplogise for getting too rat-arsed to make it home (he is not a teenager anymore). Likewise, he should apologise for not letting you know what was going on - presumably a result of said rat-arsedness. Set him some boundaries for the future.

rubbersoul · 03/10/2010 13:13

Just to add that I too would be annoyed in the circumstances. My DH doesn't really have any female friends- he talks to women at work/his friends partners if we see them obviously but none who he would text or arrange to see, etc- and to be honest this suits me fine Blush

From another point of view, I had a housemate who had a male best friend who would come and stay with us, they would go on holiday together etc. There was absolutely NOTHING going on- they just had a very similar sense of humour and got on like a house fire. It caused huge problems though as their boyfriends/girlfiends couldn't really cope with it at all (and tbh I would have struggled) but I'm pretty confident in saying they did not fancy each other in the slightest

cumfy · 03/10/2010 13:18

He will deny anything happened and make out like I'm being mental.

Have there been occasions when he has explicitly or implicitly questioned your interpretations of events ?

Hope things are going well this morning.

UnquietDad · 03/10/2010 13:27

I think Nancy is not far off the truth... :)

Have you considered continually monitoring his whereabouts via GPS tracking on his phone? Hmm Or how about an electronic tag which he must wear every time he goes out to any place where there might be a whiff of oestrogen?

Goblinchild · 03/10/2010 13:29

ha!
get off this thread you, you, man you.
How dare you speak sense, it's about a woman's instinct and a Woman Always Knows.
Scat!

mamatomany · 03/10/2010 13:39

"The Mumsnet Marriage rules:

Husbands should not have female friends

Husbands should not really have any friends

Husbands should not have nights out without the wife.

they should ring their wives a minimum of every 20 minutes to update their movements.

If said husband does not respond to a text/call within 30 seconds he is almost certainly dead or having an affair

If he stands up for himself he is being a controlling aggressor

No man can be in the same room as a woman without fucking her.'

Where as the rest of the planet just responds with "YOU ARE A MOTHER" to any of those listed and is entirely justified

chaya5738 · 03/10/2010 13:43

Just chipping in to say this would make me upset too depending on who the person was.

clam · 03/10/2010 13:47

The key to this one, though, is that the OP has existing reasons for her discomfort. It's not simply a case of DH getting pissed and crashing on a mate's sofa.

That's what needs clearing up. Although it was very thoughtless of him not to let you know what he was intending. Even if it was a last-minute thing, he could have texted. And taken it on the chin when you called this morning rather than putting the phone down on you.

He's got some making up to do on that front alone, when he returns.

spongecakelover · 03/10/2010 13:48

YANBU. I'd be cross with both of em. Just a little text from him or her to say where he was would have diffused some of the situation, surely? Don't leave him just yet though eh?

Neon · 03/10/2010 13:54

YANBU - I would be upset/cross too.

moominmarvellous · 03/10/2010 14:16

I agree with Alibabaandthe40nappies it depends on your relationship.

If I stayed out for the night unexpectedly at a male friends house, wether it was just me or not, DH wouldn't be happy and I don't think that makes him a crazy possessive husband. I wouldn't feel comfortable with that situation either and I consider myself to be very secure in my marriage.

YANBU, especially as he dealt with it pretty badly on the phone. He should have called at the very least and if he was as incapable as he would need to be to warrant not getting home; she should have called you to let you know he was safe.

cumfy · 03/10/2010 14:37

OP ?

No "false alarm" post. Doesn't look great. :(

ledkr · 03/10/2010 15:04

Its such a shame that if a woman feels remotely suspicious or pissed off with a guys behaviour they are sometimes labelled as "insecure" or "clingy" So fucking what if they are. I would be if my husband stayed out all night cos we both go out separately and always make it home at some point.
I hate to say it but i know a few couples whos dh cheats his arse off regularly.Recently i was out with dh and a few of his mates were out too. One of them seemed nice and was telling me his wife had just had a baby. 3 hrs later i watched in horror as he blatently left the club with a girl in tow.I questioned dh who didnt know much about him but said he lived in another town and was staying with a mate in our town. His poor wife would have been a cool and trusting wife and look what happened.
Surely i am not the only person on here who has witnessed this.
I expect my husband to return home after a night out as does he and i will not apologise for that!

NestaFiesta · 03/10/2010 15:09

TiggyD- she said he would say that she was mental- implying she knows him well and he has said that sort of thing before, not because she is being unkind to him. I think we can conclude she knows her husbans better than we do and is predicting his behaviour based on previous reactions/rows.

fedupofnamechanging · 03/10/2010 15:30

Not only would I be mad as hell about my DH staying out all night and not even phoning, I would also be pretty pissed at the assumption that I was okay to stay at home, taking care of the kids etc while he behaves like a single, childless teenager. Does he not get that a father should come home to his children and not just assume that his wife is okay to do everything on her own until his hangover wears off (that's if he is even home yet)?

I think if you are getting vibes about this other womans relationship with your DH, then you should discuss this and come to an agreement as to what you both consider to be appropriate behaviour.

Right or wrong, if I was getting those vibes I'd make my husband knock the friendship on the head. I see his primary responsibility is to not behave in a way that makes me uncomfortable.

UnquietDad · 03/10/2010 15:38

When situations like this arise I can't believe that the couple haven't even talked about it in advance. I'm assuming that this is not a regular occurrence - a stag do is a rare thing, and it's surely kind of accepted that the guy is going to go out and have a few drinks, and may not actually get home until the morning?

If I was going out on a good friend's stag do, I'd say to DW "look, you realise I may get a bit pissed, as I don't do this that often, and so rather than staggering home while dangerously drunk, I may well end up crashing on X's sofa and calling you in the morning when I've had a cup of tea?" And she'd say that was fine, because she'd know I'd do the same for her. And she'd know she'd be on child duty, because I am when she goes out.

I mean, that's surely what any sane, normal, healthy, non-jealous married couple does.... isn't it?!

UnquietDad · 03/10/2010 15:38

I don't mean EX's sofa, to clarify. I mean "X" as in "insert name of known friend here".

mamatomany · 03/10/2010 15:47

I mean, that's surely what any sane, normal, healthy, non-jealous married couple does.... isn't it?!

Well no not really, we just don't behave like a pair of carefree 20 year olds because we aren't.
If we go out separately we damn well get ourselves home.

cory · 03/10/2010 16:01

What UnquietDad says. Polite warning that he might not come home/might be late- a chance to let him know if this was really inconvenient for some special reason. But it wouldn't really occur to me to worry about the sex of the person whose house he crashed in.

If dh wanted to be unfaithful, he could do that in a lunchbreak tbh. If he doesn't want it, he's not going to do it.

UnquietDad · 03/10/2010 16:15

But mamatomany, it isn't behaving like a carefree 20-year-old. That would mean doing this two or three times a week. If you're like me you so rarely get to go out that you may as well make the most of it. Surely a man is allowed to have a few jars and crash on a sofa once in a while?!