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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to have doubts and be bloody petrified..?

110 replies

salizchap · 29/09/2010 23:34

I´m stressing because my long distance boyfriend has been asking me to move myself and my DS 200 miles from all our friends and family to live with him for months. He can´t move here because we are in the sticks and he is studying for a career in aircraft maintainance. Sad

I miss him lots as I can't afford to visit him often, and he can't afford to come to see me. Sad Sad

Problem #1, we (DS and I) are in social housing and looking for an exchange is like looking for a needle in a haystack. Can not afford private rents and am terrified of losing my place on social housing as have been homeless with DS in past.

Problem #2, I am scared to leave my stable (though low paid) fulltime permanent job as a secondary TA and be thrust into the instability and frustration of job hunting in the current economic climate.

Problem #3, although my DS really likes Boyfriend, he doesn't want to leave everything he knows. I feel guilty about dragging him away, and guilty about leaving my DPs, who love their only GS and help a lot.

Problem #4, money (root of all evil imo)! I am poor. Boyfriend is even poorer. Scared about financial implications as boyfriend has NO idea about the cost of having kids. He has also accused me of being a spendthrift because I pay for DS to go to Tae Kwon Do, Rugby, swimming and football (however, I usually spend less than £300 a year on clothes for myself).

Problem #5, Boyfriend is on a student visa, which means a)he is unable to work more than 20h/w, so we have the double whammy of not much money coming in, while he is having to pay international fees on studies, b)he might be kicked out of the UK at the end of his studies.

Problem #5, scared about the whole step family thing, can see possible friction in future re; my relaxed european parenting vs his culture's way of bringing up kids, plus I am disorganised, untidy and a mediocre cook, while he is tidy and neat and likes cooking. I feel the way to a man's heart is through his stomach, and I don't live up to this. Sad

Problem #6, I am getting broody, he is getting even broodier, and we are both as a result taking risks that we really probably aren't in a good position to deal with right now. Blush I don't want to go on to the pill, because I want to begin TTC conceive ASAP after we ARE in a position to, and don't want to mess up my fertility for 6 months or more after stopping. He won't use condoms. It's no use asking, and I hate them too anyway. At least as we hardly ever see each other the risks are lower and nothing has happened so far.

AIBU?

OP posts:
PinkieMinx · 29/09/2010 23:38

YABU and acting irresponsibly.

This guy is a student and is not definatley able to stay in country. Yet you are not taking precautions and thinking of putting yourself in a dire financial situation!

ColdComfortFarm · 29/09/2010 23:40

Go back on the pill. It doesn't mess up your fertility. How old are you? Why won't he use condoms - that honestly doesn't bode well. If you have a child, you need to be a grown up, which means talking about your future and your parenting styles. It is worrying you are risking an unplanned pregnancy when your boyfriend is already critical about the way you bring up your son. HOw much worse would he be when you are having HIS child? You need to slow down.

Quodlibet · 29/09/2010 23:40

With all these problems, firstly it's irresponsible of you not to be using contraception and I think you know it. ('He won't use condoms. It's no use asking' - WTF?)

Sounds TBH like you are doing very well at prioritising and providing a stable home for your DS and he is jeapardising that. Points 1, 2 and 3 tell me you know this. Points 4, 5 and 6 tell me you're unsure that your boyfriend is going to help with this stability. Listen to your own fears about this relationship and be responsible.

ColdComfortFarm · 29/09/2010 23:41

OK, what Pinkie said.

BelleDameSansMerci · 29/09/2010 23:41

I think your reservations are understandable and, frankly, I think you'd be mad to upsticks and move... Sorry, probably not what you wanted to hear. Sad

PorkPieLove · 29/09/2010 23:42

Yes...you cannot possibly go...ridiculous to even think about it!

Spero · 29/09/2010 23:42

I think you are being unreasonable taking risks with conceiving when he has no right to remain in the country. Sounds like a recipe for massive disaster and it would NOT give him any better chance of remaining here; most likely you'd be expected to move abroad with him if you had his child.

What's the rush? If you love one another and see a future together, wait until at least he has some idea of where he'll be living in a few years.

newwave · 29/09/2010 23:44

This sounds like a disaster waiting to happen. The cultural thing alone should see you running for the hills

Put your DS first and tbh it dosent sound like you can afford another kid.

Original poster
salizchap · 29/09/2010 23:49

Thanks, I think I actually realised everything you have all been saying and just needed a kick up the bum to accept what I dont really want to hear.

I am just so fed up with waiting, waiting waiting. I am 33, and my DS is 7. Feeling lonely and life just seems to be slipping by.

OP posts:
Quodlibet · 29/09/2010 23:51

Glad that you can see that this relationship isn't the answer.
Wishing you well.

PotPourri · 29/09/2010 23:51

No, you can't move there - and you know that. Just wait, if it's meant ot be your time will come.

Pill doesn't mean 6 months mess up after - I concieved immediately after coming off the pill, and know loads of people who have....

I think you need to take your current responsibility to your son in hand and do what is best for him. And I think you know that that is to be careful (contraceptive) and to stay where things are stable.

PinkieMinx · 29/09/2010 23:51

Feeling lonely is crap but you'll feel even lonlier with no family/no job/no money and a baby you can't afford.
Without wanting to crush your soul - he could be hoping to have a baby so he has 'right to a family life' in the UK. Just a (very depressing and not meant to be evil) thought.

Laska · 29/09/2010 23:52

As sad as it is for you when you love him, I think it would be crazy to move in with him.

The contraceptive issue is a worry - how about the coil?

ChippingIn · 29/09/2010 23:52

Go on the pill - it does not muck up your fertility - you are very fertile when you first come off of it.

Everything I was going to say has already been said, it seems pointless to repeat it - so please read all of the other posts again!!

Do Not Do It.

winnybella · 29/09/2010 23:54

He won't use condoms? Sorry, but that probably means that he didn't use them with his previous partners. Did you both get tested for STDs before having unprotected sex?

And no, please don't go. It's a disaster waiting to happen. And not really fair to your DS.

You're 33, not 83.

Firawla · 29/09/2010 23:55

does not sound like you should move, you may really regret it. i would stick it out where u are, if your relationship can survive it then it will be okay, if it doesn't then maybe it was not as strong to start with iyswim but i wouldnt risk everything that you and ds have, which is really what you will be doing if you risk ending up back homeless and pennyless...

Original poster
salizchap · 29/09/2010 23:57

Actually PinkieMinx the thought had already crossed my mind, although I don't believe that is his intention. He has been waiting for me for a LONG time and he knew from meeting me for example he cannot marry me as I am still legally married to DSs father (another story, but among other things I cannot afford to divorce).

OP posts:
newwave · 29/09/2010 23:57

He wont use condoms and tells you how to spend your money. That alone is a BIG BIG warning. Dump him NOW.

DO NOT move and put yourself in his control

Original poster
salizchap · 29/09/2010 23:58

Yes, we have both been tested for STDs.

OP posts:
WetAugust · 29/09/2010 23:58

YABVU and putting your own fantasies before your child's welfare.

What if you did move and it fell through - bed and breakfast for you both?

Don't be stupid.

mamatomany · 29/09/2010 23:58

It really isn't meant to be that hard you know, when you have it force the odds to work in your favor that much it doesn't tend to work from what i have seen with friends and family.
There's a man who will slot into your existing life and want the same things out there for you, keep the faith you are young !

ColdComfortFarm · 30/09/2010 00:01

i met my husband at 35 and have three kids. Don't be afraid. He does not sound right for you - he's critical already! It must be so hard as a single parent of an autistic child (I also have a child on the spectrum) but it won't be easier with someone who tells you to spend less money on his lessons.

PinkieMinx · 30/09/2010 00:05

How long is a long time - How long have you known each other and been an item? He doesn't need to be married to you to stay, having a child would be enough. I'm NOT saying that is the reason and of course you know him BUT it has been heard of, especially common with some nationality groups.

Hedgeblunder · 30/09/2010 00:07

To be honest- and tell me to butt out if you want but he doesn't sound like the right man for you, I know it can get very lonely sometimes but being in a relationship that isn't working hundreds of miles from your family is even lonelier.

Stop taking risks with conception- you have a decade in you yet, and if this man is forced to leave the country then you will have dug yourself a very very large hole.
All the best, but yabu

Original poster
salizchap · 30/09/2010 00:08

WetAugust, the tenancy would still be in MY name only, therefore if things didn't work out HE would be the one moving out.

Also, another bonus for me of moving where he is that where I live now there are VERY few career oportunities. I am studying Modern Foreign Languages with the OU, and am considering teaching one day, or alternatively translation. Here there is NOTHING, nothing! Finding work in local schools is very competitive, and you have to travel very far to train and work. I always had it in the back of my mind that one day I would have to move away. It would be easier to move somewhere WITH someone I love who could support me emotionally.

OP posts:
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