to have doubts and be bloody petrified..?

[salizchap]

I´m stressing because my long distance boyfriend has been asking me to move myself and my DS 200 miles from all our friends and family to live with him for months. He can´t move here because we are in the sticks and he is studying for a career in aircraft maintainance.

I miss him lots as I can't afford to visit him often, and he can't afford to come to see me.

Problem #1, we (DS and I) are in social housing and looking for an exchange is like looking for a needle in a haystack. Can not afford private rents and am terrified of losing my place on social housing as have been homeless with DS in past.

Problem #2, I am scared to leave my stable (though low paid) fulltime permanent job as a secondary TA and be thrust into the instability and frustration of job hunting in the current economic climate.

Problem #3, although my DS really likes Boyfriend, he doesn't want to leave everything he knows. I feel guilty about dragging him away, and guilty about leaving my DPs, who love their only GS and help a lot.

Problem #4, money (root of all evil imo)! I am poor. Boyfriend is even poorer. Scared about financial implications as boyfriend has NO idea about the cost of having kids. He has also accused me of being a spendthrift because I pay for DS to go to Tae Kwon Do, Rugby, swimming and football (however, I usually spend less than £300 a year on clothes for myself).

Problem #5, Boyfriend is on a student visa, which means a)he is unable to work more than 20h/w, so we have the double whammy of not much money coming in, while he is having to pay international fees on studies, b)he might be kicked out of the UK at the end of his studies.

Problem #5, scared about the whole step family thing, can see possible friction in future re; my relaxed european parenting vs his culture's way of bringing up kids, plus I am disorganised, untidy and a mediocre cook, while he is tidy and neat and likes cooking. I feel the way to a man's heart is through his stomach, and I don't live up to this.

Problem #6, I am getting broody, he is getting even broodier, and we are both as a result taking risks that we really probably aren't in a good position to deal with right now. I don't want to go on to the pill, because I want to begin TTC conceive ASAP after we ARE in a position to, and don't want to mess up my fertility for 6 months or more after stopping. He won't use condoms. It's no use asking, and I hate them too anyway. At least as we hardly ever see each other the risks are lower and nothing has happened so far.

AIBU?

Sunnyd said much of everything I wanted to say.

This bloke could very well be keeping you in the mix as a means to an end. I have literally lost count of the number of women I have seen this done to at the hand of men known to my egyptian P. I met him 10 years ago in London BTW, he already had a UK passport, from someone he was married to for 9 years!

You are the HOT property for someone like him, so hold your head up high and make HIM work for it.

No condom, no shag... end of

Where TF is he from anyway???? no condom and you don't know much about his sexual history?/culture? Are you insane? get yourself checked pronto and get some sexual self respect woman!

I personally would not recommend a cross cultural partnership, not even with someone who has lived here for 20 years. My relationship is a dead duck, because of the hand off parenting, the controlling and warped views of females.

Hindsight is a marvellous thing, if my hindsight could help you use this as a bit of harmless fun, until he has his papers - without ANY assistance from you - then and only then will you know it's for real.

FWIW, the women in these other cultures get a lot more from the men than we demand. They get gold, the house, everything paid for. Here we muck in and pay for them if they can't.

In Egypt a bloke wouldn't get the time of day if she was being expected to pay a penny for him.

Look at the current religion thread here running in relationships too... it may be relevant, maybe not.

there are more forms of contraception than just condoms and pills you know......

Oh, good grief, you are sleepwalking into a nightmare!

I agree with all the sentiments above - you are sleepwalking into a nightmare, I hope you do the right thing by you and your son and get out asap.

I assume you also don't know his family or has he introduced you to them? This can be very very telling ime.

You have a house, a job, supportive family around and a son who is happy and settled where he is. Are you crazy even thinking about giving this up? What have you got to gain from this - seeing your boyfirend a little more often? Even the little you have seen him have highlighted some major areas of potential conflict. Attitudes to money and spending on your son, childrearing, housework and contraception are all worrying in themselves. These will all have to be discussed and resolved before you start living together.
Listen there is no rush. You and your boyfriend need to finish your studies first. Then see where you are. See if he gets a visa and job that allows him to stay. Discuss how things will work re money and children if you move in together. Get all these resolved. Then and only then should you look into moving together (and tbh I feel her should move to you once he has his visa rather than the other way around).
Hold onto the life you have built for yourself, do not throw away what you have on such a huge gamble - he may not even be in the country in a couple of years. GET BACK ON THE PILL.

you've done a great list of the negatives - where's the list of positives?? Might be worth doing one just to really see how much of a bad idea this is. To me it sounds very clear that you don't want to go, and perhaps composing your OP helped clarify that for you.

As for the 'he won't use condoms' issue, that is a huge red warning flag being waved right in your face. Its a cop out of many many different kinds of responsibilities (both now & presumably in his past) I'm afraid, especially when he must be able to appreciate that you are essentially in a rather vulnerable position as a single parent on low income. It's quite wicked of him to exploit you like that. Is it going to far to suggest that that might be part of the attraction for him?

Please do bear in mind that if you did give up your flat & have housing issues in the future you would be possible been seen as having made yourself 'intentionally homeless' and local authorities can use this as a reason not to house you again, or put you right to the bottom of any housing list.

Don't do it. Do not do it.

Put your children first.

I disagree with all the people shouting doom and gloom just because he's not a UK citizen. That would make me cautious, but for goodness sake, there's loads of freeloading so and so's out there who are from the UK, as you will find out if you pop over to Relationships! As for the differences in parenting style, him being neat and tidy is hardly a major cultural difference, if you are hinting at him wanting a domestic servant at home, you need to say so and take that into account. Some non-UK men are MORE liberated in how they view women, for example, in Eastern Europe and former communist countries, women have always worked in career jobs and many have children late. There's a big difference in how women are viewed, by country and by individuals.

I agree there's no need to move, you need the stability and so does your son (and your job is very important to you for money and identity and they are hard to find right now).

This guy may, given he has a focused career path, be a good bet, he may not. Your main issue that I see is lack of money for travel. Tell him you are not moving 200 miles away at present, and work out how you can see each other more (can he work extra, buy really budget tickets months in advance, whatever). Then you will have time to discover what he's really like and whether he will make a great dad (obviously use contraception while you are making this decision).

As for 'controlling you' by suggesting activities are expensive, my mum constantly moans at how much we spend on swimming, ballet etc, which she views as non-essentials, given we have very little money. This is not over-controlling to me (I guess he said it in an argument) because if you have no money, you can't see him and vice versa. You need to explain that your son is your priority right now, including money, and that the responsibility is on him to find out how he can be nearer you, not the other way around.

YANBU for not wanting to move to be with him. You would be risking a lot for a potentially unstable relationship (he may not be granted leave to remain).

But YABU to not be using contraception, you admit yourself that you're not in the bets position to be having a baby.

"At least as we hardly ever see each other the risks are lower and nothing has happened so far." You are being incredibly naive - it only takes one sperm! And the pill won't mess you up for six months, it it metabolised very quickly and can be 'out of your system' in 2 days. That's why even one missed pill can cause pregnancy.

I think you need to concentrate on your life with your son, spend as much time as you are able to with your boyfriend, and review things when he finishes his studies.

You are only 33!!! you are so young. Please don't rush into anything because you think you are running out of time. You really aren't. Ok, so you are not 23 but you still have at least five years to think about having another child.

And can I just repeat; having a child with you WILL NOT give him any greater chance of staying in the UK. Your article 8 right to respect for your family life can be breached by the UK government in pursuit of its need to protect its borders. The case law is very clear: unless there are very, very, very difficult conditions in his home country you would all be expected to move with him and 'enjoy' your family life in his country of origin.

If you get married you can apply for a spousal visa, but it is not a quick fix and you may even have to leave the UK and apply abroad if he came on a student visa. Either way, you would need to get expert advice from an immigration lawyer.

Please don't panic. Don't rush into anything you might really regret in a few years. You have got time to see how it pans out.

"Feeling lonely and life just seems to be slipping by."

Your life is only passing you by if you think you need a man for your life to start.

YANBU to have doubts and be petrified but you are making the wrong decision for you and your son if you leave everything you have that is secure for something that is built on jelly.

applauds IUsedToBeFab

He has also accused me of being a spendthrift because I pay for DS to go to Tae Kwon Do, Rugby, swimming and football (however, I usually spend less than £300 a year on clothes for myself).

Err and you are considering moving in with this guy?

Sorry but if I were you I would be running a mile from anyone like that. Been there, done that, got the tshirt and will never, ever give anyone who tries to control any part of me 5 minutes of my life.

salizchap - please don't take this the wrong way but could he be using you to stay in the country once his studies have finished ? He sounds totally unsuitable for you.

I don't think you are heading in the right direction to find happiness. Tread very warily.

If he loves you both so much then he will work hard to get qualified and get a good job to provide for you all.

i do agree with onetoomanycornettos, it's not right to judge just because they are not from 'round here' But let's be realistic.

With men from the uk, we know who they are by their accent, what city they come from, schooling etc. With those outside the uk, we have no way of ascertaining any of this. We only take their word for it. They soon learn what to say and what not to say to get anywhere with women, if they were from a rough end of an undesirable city, it'd be hard for them to hide all of it, unless they went to great lengths.

With foreign men, the stilted english, the accent and the twinkle in the eye can charm and disarm us.

You mentioned thinking of moving to get another job, and it is sad that that seems a more valid reason to move than this relationship, because a job is a contract, whereas a relationship is iffy, and can ask a lot more from you than just your time and re-location.

I'm another who ended up with a foreigner, and we did have long long-distance periods in the mid-part of our relationship (I must admit those were in the UK, and after his legal status was already long settled). However, time and trust is what it's all been about for us. I do not believe in love at first sight, nor in the infatuation of early love. Frustrated lust love is almost as bad for being misinterpreted. Deep love is developed over time, as a network of links which bind you together more securely and more embracingly. This kind of love grows in trust, and you don't sound as though you are trusting; you sound terrified of your doubts.

This love can't be strong enough yet to bear your and your son's weight, so either find something else to help support both/all of you and the new relationship and new life in the new place, or allow the love to grow - if it will - until it is strong enough. Don't, for God's sake, force-grow it, as that sort of love can be extremely brittle under stress. I don't have a single friend whose relationship with her/his DP was not tested by having a child.

Well said pluperfect.

Thanks, Spero, but it's not something one can gloat about being right about, is it?

Not a chance in hell would I move under the circumstances you have described.

Your priority is your DS

Your boyfriend's priority is himself

He may be a nice guy but seems like the kind that wants a mum, not a partner, and you have a child already so take it easy and don't make any big decisions that could affect yours and your child's life negatively.

Men who don't like condoms need to grow up.

I personally would not recommend a cross cultural partnership

Blimey, better tell my mother. She's been married to my father for 48 years, but it's probably not too late for her to escape.

Seriously though, I agree with all the advice to the OP and I also agree that we all need to go into relationships with our eyes open (especially when there are practical reasons why we might not be able to assess new partners as well), but a blanket dismissal of all cross cultural partnerships is a bit much.