to have doubts and be bloody petrified..?

[salizchap]

I´m stressing because my long distance boyfriend has been asking me to move myself and my DS 200 miles from all our friends and family to live with him for months. He can´t move here because we are in the sticks and he is studying for a career in aircraft maintainance.

I miss him lots as I can't afford to visit him often, and he can't afford to come to see me.

Problem #1, we (DS and I) are in social housing and looking for an exchange is like looking for a needle in a haystack. Can not afford private rents and am terrified of losing my place on social housing as have been homeless with DS in past.

Problem #2, I am scared to leave my stable (though low paid) fulltime permanent job as a secondary TA and be thrust into the instability and frustration of job hunting in the current economic climate.

Problem #3, although my DS really likes Boyfriend, he doesn't want to leave everything he knows. I feel guilty about dragging him away, and guilty about leaving my DPs, who love their only GS and help a lot.

Problem #4, money (root of all evil imo)! I am poor. Boyfriend is even poorer. Scared about financial implications as boyfriend has NO idea about the cost of having kids. He has also accused me of being a spendthrift because I pay for DS to go to Tae Kwon Do, Rugby, swimming and football (however, I usually spend less than £300 a year on clothes for myself).

Problem #5, Boyfriend is on a student visa, which means a)he is unable to work more than 20h/w, so we have the double whammy of not much money coming in, while he is having to pay international fees on studies, b)he might be kicked out of the UK at the end of his studies.

Problem #5, scared about the whole step family thing, can see possible friction in future re; my relaxed european parenting vs his culture's way of bringing up kids, plus I am disorganised, untidy and a mediocre cook, while he is tidy and neat and likes cooking. I feel the way to a man's heart is through his stomach, and I don't live up to this.

Problem #6, I am getting broody, he is getting even broodier, and we are both as a result taking risks that we really probably aren't in a good position to deal with right now. I don't want to go on to the pill, because I want to begin TTC conceive ASAP after we ARE in a position to, and don't want to mess up my fertility for 6 months or more after stopping. He won't use condoms. It's no use asking, and I hate them too anyway. At least as we hardly ever see each other the risks are lower and nothing has happened so far.

AIBU?

TBH he sounds like he wants a partner he can control and a kid with him will cement that control.

If you go through with what he wants we will be reading your posts on the relationship page next.

Print these replies and put then next to the phone.

DONT DO IT

Could it not wait a while then? Will it make a difference to wait a year?

Think you should get the coil though, as others have said. It's the broody part that would worry me in all this! If you're pg there's less chance of getting a job.

I'm sure you know though that ta jobs are golddust at the moment so I'd cling on to it if I were you.
And being a qualified teacher will take at least 2 years on top of your degree, which would be very difficult if cash was tight. What about maternity leave too? If you are unemployed and pregnant your situation will get worse

Coldcomfort, I dont have a child with autism you must be confusing me with someone else (or did I misunderstand??)

Yes, it isn't outside the realms of possibility that he would be pushing for a pregnancy for that reason, that is why when we were first together I flatly refused to come off the pill and told him he'd have to wait until he was settled in a good job etc... I also told him about my marriage, straight away, and told him to go off and find someone else if he was just after an easy way to get papers. He is a good looking guy, I really can't see him having problems finding a nice pretty girl closer to home who could provide all those things for him with a fraction of the hassle, tbh.

Perhaps I am being naive, but I do think his intentions are honourable, but everything that has been said is sensible and I agree I need to slow things down.

I have also tried breaking it off on two occasions because I couldn't cope with the stress and panic that all this brought on me. Both times he has persuaded me to back track. I just can't make that break, I love him but...

Life is just crap sometimes!

It is - good luck though - hope it all works out for you

But what?

but... life is crap and you fall in love with the wrong people at the wrong time

and then you go on mumsnet and get all sorts of sensible advice and a big kick up the bum with a and then everything seems a bit more clear.

Thank you, love you all xxxx

Aw, I'm sorry if tWas all a bit blunt, I do wish you all the best x

I have not read all this thread just the OP and a couple of comments. However I do NEED to post this and know I will possibly be flamed at the end of it.

February 2003 I met a man who I thought was wonderful, gave up my social housing to be with him, eventually married him, began TTC. His student visa ended, he got leave to remain in the uk, got his stamp on his passport and walked away. Leaving me distressed along with DS1.

I would warn and warn again about making the mistake I made. you KNOW this is not right or you would not be on here. Please Listen to the ladies here, I wish I had been on here before I fucked up big time.

OP also like you I had been single for a long time and have a child who (although waiting for diagnosis) is very apparently aspergers.

ok now read it all so scrap my last post about aspergers

TSC you said what I was trying to say but so much better....

That's awful ladyeveningstar
it is horrible having to think about non-uk citizens like this but you do. He really doesn't seem like the man for the OP

Hedge, it is awful....awful for people like him who prey on the vunerable.Simply because they cannot be honest to themselves. At the end of it all he may have his leave to remain here but he lost out on one of the best things in my life....My DS1.(not his)

Exactly ladyeveningstar - I don't mean to be rude or make out anyone is not gorgeous etc but you do see it -sexy young Turkish guys with fifty year old British women.
There definitly does seem to be a sort of game at play-in my village there was a really hot African lad who married a overweight forty year old single mum who had fuck all self esteem and he was shagging about within weeks of moving in with her

Tsc- I know I know, I think sometimes love is blind- my uncle is ugly as sin (ex rugby) but the best laugh ever and his wifes stunning.
I don't know though, I can't imagine how hard it is to tell a friend that someone was using them for a visa so I bet alot of women just get encouraged along.

Ok, you asked for it.

You know that it is not a wise thing to do, or in the best interest of your son, to move under these circumstances.

If your love doesn't stand the test of time apart,then it isn't worth it anyways.
Ignore that clock, you have plenty of time left to reproduce. Hormones can make you crazy if you let them.

Don't do it, you are having to make too many compromises. You sound like a fab Mum and it must be lonely but as previous posters have said 'he doesn't sound right' Big hugs

I am somebody who has done something similar (though admittedly without dcs) and have been very happy: maintained 10 year long distance relationship, then moved away from everything I knew, including career prospects, to marry a poor man in another country, I have the example of my dear SIL who took an even bigger leap of faith to move from China to marry my db whom she had only met briefly after an internet relationship- and I still say your situation rings alarm bells.

It's not the poverty or uncertainty per se: with the right kind of partner you can face anything. But it's things you say about your boyfriend/

"Scared about financial implications as boyfriend has NO idea about the cost of having kids. He has also accused me of being a spendthrift because I pay for DS to go to Tae Kwon Do, Rugby, swimming and football (however, I usually spend less than £300 a year on clothes for myself)."

"can see possible friction in future re; my relaxed european parenting vs his culture's way of bringing up kids, plus I am disorganised, untidy and a mediocre cook, while he is tidy and neat and likes cooking. I feel the way to a man's heart is through his stomach, and I don't live up to this."

"I am getting broody, he is getting even broodier, and we are both as a result taking risks that we really probably aren't in a good position to deal with right now. I don't want to go on to the pill, because I want to begin TTC conceive ASAP after we ARE in a position to, and don't want to mess up my fertility for 6 months or more after stopping. He won't use condoms."

What you are saying is basically, this is a man who is set in his ideas, who will make you feel guilty if things aren't just so, who is willing to take chances but quite likely to grumble when he has to pay for them. And who puts his pleasure before his responsibilities.

I am not saying that this makes him a bad or unlovable person. Merely that for this kind of thing to work out you need a man who is more than usually reliable, resilient and unselfish. Which is not what you are describing.

I would re-think this after he has a visa which allows him to remain in the country permanently, until then how can you be 100% sure that he doesn't just view you as a way to stay. Good people do bad things when they are desperate.

What tsc said.

Come to think of it, I might change my mind on his loveability. Rereading your posts, you are already speaking in terms of your needing to be good enough for him (untidy, not a good enough cook). The man you need should not be making you feel like this.