Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to have doubts and be bloody petrified..?

110 replies

salizchap · 29/09/2010 23:34

I´m stressing because my long distance boyfriend has been asking me to move myself and my DS 200 miles from all our friends and family to live with him for months. He can´t move here because we are in the sticks and he is studying for a career in aircraft maintainance. Sad

I miss him lots as I can't afford to visit him often, and he can't afford to come to see me. Sad Sad

Problem #1, we (DS and I) are in social housing and looking for an exchange is like looking for a needle in a haystack. Can not afford private rents and am terrified of losing my place on social housing as have been homeless with DS in past.

Problem #2, I am scared to leave my stable (though low paid) fulltime permanent job as a secondary TA and be thrust into the instability and frustration of job hunting in the current economic climate.

Problem #3, although my DS really likes Boyfriend, he doesn't want to leave everything he knows. I feel guilty about dragging him away, and guilty about leaving my DPs, who love their only GS and help a lot.

Problem #4, money (root of all evil imo)! I am poor. Boyfriend is even poorer. Scared about financial implications as boyfriend has NO idea about the cost of having kids. He has also accused me of being a spendthrift because I pay for DS to go to Tae Kwon Do, Rugby, swimming and football (however, I usually spend less than £300 a year on clothes for myself).

Problem #5, Boyfriend is on a student visa, which means a)he is unable to work more than 20h/w, so we have the double whammy of not much money coming in, while he is having to pay international fees on studies, b)he might be kicked out of the UK at the end of his studies.

Problem #5, scared about the whole step family thing, can see possible friction in future re; my relaxed european parenting vs his culture's way of bringing up kids, plus I am disorganised, untidy and a mediocre cook, while he is tidy and neat and likes cooking. I feel the way to a man's heart is through his stomach, and I don't live up to this. Sad

Problem #6, I am getting broody, he is getting even broodier, and we are both as a result taking risks that we really probably aren't in a good position to deal with right now. Blush I don't want to go on to the pill, because I want to begin TTC conceive ASAP after we ARE in a position to, and don't want to mess up my fertility for 6 months or more after stopping. He won't use condoms. It's no use asking, and I hate them too anyway. At least as we hardly ever see each other the risks are lower and nothing has happened so far.

AIBU?

OP posts:
LittleMissHissyFit · 01/10/2010 13:59

I agree that some people can make a cross cultural partnership work, but you have to admit that it does complicate things.

It's all about the attitude of both sides. OP's bloke is already telling her what to and not actually putting much into the relationship.

I'm not giving a blanket dismissal of all cross partnerships, I was merely saying that because of his beliefs I live worse than a single parent, I have no help, but i have another non contributing burden to cater to. That I'd not wish on anyone... Grin

TheLadyEvenstar · 02/10/2010 01:11

FFS OP, he is already telling you what to do with your money!! put your som first and don't fuck up the way i did. Do NOT move in with him because regardess of what anyone says he can then claim for leave to remain under the family amnesty law....in other words suse your son the way mine was used.

DO YOUR SON A FAVOUR AND DO NOT MOVE IN WITH HIM...

LittleMissHissyFit · 02/10/2010 10:03

How long has he got left of this course?

If it's not that long, the reason he could be professing undying love for you is because he has you 'hooked' starting all over again to find someone dumb enough to give him his papers is too high risk.

Have seen this happen over and over and over again, and they all say all the things you say.

Worse is that you are planning to have another DC with this bloke you know very little about.

What would your DS think? 3 years down the line and he's dumped you and gone and got his own wife from his own land, and brought her here? Cos you give him papers and that is exactly what he can do.

This is not about you, it's about if your DS would be proud of you shacking up with a bloke, having his kid and really struggling hard in a strange area. Stopping all your DS activities so you can pay the bills, taking him from his friends, for what? So you can bring up his child.

Believe me, if this bloke begrudges your DS these activities now, when he's not even with you, how's it going to be when he is?

Someone who would deny a boy of these things without even thinking is hardly EVER going to be father of the year. Any man worth his salt will be thinking how can I work hard and earn enough for salizchap to spend MORE on herself, how can I give this boy an even better life than he has now?

Until you know EXACTLY how people in his country are raised, their attitudes to children, their attitudes to women, to the male role in the household, don't do it.

Oh yes, and by EXACTLY, I mean at first hand, don't believe HIM, he'll tell you everything in his land is right, is lovely and everyone is treated fairly.

H told me that Under no circumstances would women be mal-treated in Egypt, they are afterall, he said, our sisters, our mothers our daughters....

People say Egypt is child friendly.

What utter bollocks! But it took me years of living there to fully appreciate the extent of the utter bollocks I'd been fed.

Women are only really allowed out with permission, they can't do certain things, go certain places unless they have the express permission of the man. husband or brother can withdraw that right whenever they like, for whatever reason they like, or none at all if it suits, and she can't raise her voice. EVER. They are never, ever allowed to open the door to any man that is not their brother, father or H. If she does, she is a whore, not only will she be in dire trouble from her family/H, the bloke she opens the door to will see it as an invitation and try it on, by force if need be.

Children are tolerated until they are old enough to do stuff for the parents. Play facilities are often dangerous, sand pits are cat toilets and no-one does anything about it. Boys never, ever hear NO, girls are dragged into the kitchen as soon as they are tall enough to reach the stove. The men get fed first mostly. Women are on call 24 hours a day for the H. Children often don't have set bed times, so are out all night, and you hear them screaming their heads off through tiredness all through the small hours. Parents utterly clueless as to what to do.

Women can be hit, and it's her fault, the whole family will support this too. She runs home to her family, first thing they will do is to take her back to him.

I realised that my H was not the open minded, friendly supportive person I thought he was. He is weak, insecure and desperate not to be different from his people. He lived in the UK for 20 years before we went 'back to his country' he reverted to Egyptian Alpha male in the 3hours it took to drive from the airport to Alexandria.

I've told you all this OP as a snapshot of my life for the last 10 years, it may not be the same country, that is actually by the by, what it does do is to illustrate that even with someone who had all his papers, someone I lived with for 5 years before having his DS (at age 38) can turn out to be a stranger, a controlling emotionally and physically abusive stranger, and you are trapped under the same roof as them.

H never said anything to me about what I could or couldn't do while we were in this country, and never with MY money! This bloke is not even living with you, is not paying your bills, is not going out to work to support you, but he feels able to tell you how you can live your life and what you spend YOUR heard earned money on.

He is a wrong-un. He is on the make, I guarantee it.

foreverastudent · 02/10/2010 10:26

dont get pregnant, dont move and dont marry someone who's marrying you to get a visa

Mumi · 02/10/2010 12:40

Just to reiterate:

"He can´t move here because we are in the sticks and he is studying for a career in aircraft maintainance."

  • and you can't move because you have a job too, which is not only more stable but actually more important because it supports DS too.
Please - have some self-esteem - his career is no more vital just because he is a man.

Neither of you have any realistic way of funding a private rent anyway (and it would be private as there's next to no chance of an exchange and you'd have made yourself intentionally homeless).

"and he can't afford to come to see me"

  • what, ever? because it sounds as if you've at least been able to see him occasionally in comparison.
I'm in an a LDR on benefits and I can save very carefully in order to see DP. I don't buy it. How much do you actually know about how much money he has and what he does 200 miles away?

"He has also accused me of being a spendthrift because I pay for DS to go to Tae Kwon Do, Rugby, swimming and football"

  • of course, because he needs you to spend your money on him instead.

"plus I am disorganised, untidy and a mediocre cook"

  • you are allowed to be: you have a DS to support while he doesn't (and, by the sound of it, wouldn't).

"don't want to mess up my fertility for 6 months"

Ho ho ho. Grin

"Feeling lonely and life just seems to be slipping by"

  • no need to think that way - you're still young - but you'll waste the best years of your life on this man.

"He is a good looking guy, I really can't see him having problems finding a nice pretty girl closer to home who could provide all those things for him with a fraction of the hassle, tbh."

  • the problem would be that the next girl wouldn't put up with this shit.

"I have also tried breaking it off on two occasions"

  • well you know what they say: third time lucky :)
June2009 · 02/10/2010 12:49

You're talking about leaving your accomodation and your job to go and live with a student who has no money and wants a child.

You're going to find it difficult to find another job right now, anywhere you go.
Then if you get pregnant you won't get maternity leave, will you. How would you cope? 2 kids to care for and a bf who cannot earn money. Even if he did earn money somehow it doesn't sound like he would give you any for your son's activities.

You've been thee, of all people you should know how hard it is to raise a child with no money.

Friend of mine has just been through 3 years of hell trying to get her boyfriend who was here on a student visa back in the UK. Extremely costly.
Because guess what, when his student visa ran out he had to go back home and leave her in the UK with their baby daughter to struggle. Is this what you want?

onlyjoking9329 · 02/10/2010 12:52

Sounds like there are too many things that could go wrong here, I wouldn't take the risk if I were you.

HalfTermHero · 02/10/2010 13:18

Don't go, don't do it. Put your ds first. Perhaps you just need to accept that this relationship can't work due to circumstances. You'll meet someone else and hopefully someone who cares enough about you to be bothered to use a fucking condom Hmm.

Nancy66 · 02/10/2010 13:39

You are a single, lonely, desperate and gullible single mother - probably deliberately targetted.

sorry, i know that sounds harsh but I imagine that is the truth of the matter.

The sort of man who won't wear a condom is usually the sort of man who fucks around. You're 200 miles apart and don't see each other often - if he doesn't shag other women i would be astonished.

Please think about your son. You sound lovely. Bright, clever, loving - but vulnerable. don't be taken advantage of

salizchap · 02/10/2010 14:33

Thankyou for your advice, it has been duly noted and has really helped me to come to a decision I have been putting off for too long.

I have decided to end the relationship. Here is a copy of the email I plan to send him. I know it is a bit of a cop out to send an email, but I also know from the last two occasions that if I try to do it over the phone he will persuade me to go back.

Let me know what you think.

Dear Boyfriend,

I have been doing a lot of soul searching, and thinking about you and me. I have come to the realisation that I do not want to move to (town where boyf lives), and I definitely do not want to have a baby with you.

I am sorry, but this is not working out for me. I cannot rely on your promises for the future, and I do not love you enough to take the risks you are asking of me. The thing that worries me most is that you don't even seem to respect my very valid concerns. You accuse me of being materialistic for worrying about money. You criticise my parenting. I am not a good enough cook, I don't exercise enough, I am untidy. I don't think you meant it in a bad way, but it just highlights how wrong we are for each other.

In the last few months I have been wishing I was single. I was hoping it was just a passing phase that I would come out of if I just gave us a chance. But I still feel panic and fear, yes, real fear, at the mere idea of living with you. I think you expect too much of me, and I expect too much of you also. I don't believe I will make you happy, and I know for a fact you will not make me happy. I think you will make a wonderful husband and father for the right woman, but that woman is not me. I know that now.

I want to stay single now, and concentrate on DS, and my career. Maybe I am not meant to have a relationship. Perhaps my fate is to remain independant and free. I love my freedom now, and cannot give it up, even if that costs me the chance of having another child. I am willing to pay that price. It is better to be alone than in the wrong relationship. I have tried, I really have.

I am truly sorry for any heartache or pain I may be causing you. But you will get over it soon I am sure. Please do not attempt to contact me by phone, I will not answer you. I do not want to discuss this any more as my mind is made up. I will not be answering hidden IDs or unrecognised numbers either, so don't waste your time.

I wish you all the best for the future. Forget me. Move on.

Regards

Salizchap

OP posts:
Nancy66 · 02/10/2010 14:41

Well done.

Think the email is great apart from the last bit which is, maybe, a litte harsh. perhaps better to just say that it's taken a long time to reach the decision and you won't be changing your mind - and there's no need for him to respond.

The bit about caller id etc is a bit over the top.

Good luck

salizchap · 02/10/2010 14:44

I just want to avoid the inevitable barrage of telephone calls I will get from him. Perhaps you are right though.

OP posts:
zapostrophe · 02/10/2010 14:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

gobbledegoop · 02/10/2010 15:20

Well done, let us know how you get on,

happiestblonde · 02/10/2010 15:28

Sorry if this comes across as rude but why are you considering having another child when you are in such a bad financial situation? If you are already in social housing should you really have another child until you can afford to move into private?

happiestblonde · 02/10/2010 15:30

oops sorry did not see your last post.

Good move, well done.

TheLadyEvenstar · 02/10/2010 15:58

Happiest, why is private housing better than social housing for having a childHmm

salizchap · 02/10/2010 16:24

I have sent the email with Nancy66's suggested improvements. I had to call boyf to confirm his email as we never contact each other that way, which made him panic and he kept on asking what was wrong etc... I just told him to read the email and hung up Sad

He then tried calling me several times till I switched off my phone. Feel Sad but also relieved and lighter somehow.

OP posts:
LittleMissHissyFit · 02/10/2010 17:46

salizchap, you have so done the right thing.

Believe me. you wouldn't be on here in the first place if you were sure of him.

He's good at getting people to do what he wants, but he's not that good, if this is the 'I'll impress you so you will give up your life as you know it and come be with me phase'

You know as well as anyone that as soon as the honeymoon period is over ... a week or two tops, it'll start... when you are PG have his C then you will be trapped and he will be asking for you to support his status....

honey, you just saved yourself a whole life time of hell.

I stand, and I applaud you!

Now, you need to be strong, you need to hold firm. Basically his status in this country after his course is dicey, and the grooming it will take to get another fish on the hook may well take too long... He will call and call and call.. you are ruining his plans.... I guarantee though 200 miles away from you, he'll have some reserves. Don't lose too much sleep over hurting him, you haven't, he would have had to love you for that, he doesn't, not in the way that you want, not in the way that someone as lovely as you needs to be loved.

Come back and post on here and we will hold your hand day or night to stop you going back and making this disastrous mistake for you and your DS.

Can you print off that email and stick it on the fridge? Grin

Wishing you strength, love and my admiration.

Well done!

LittleMissHissyFit · 02/10/2010 17:48

Oops, I meant

if this is the 'I'll impress you so you will give up your life as you know it and come be with me phase' he'd surely be doing a better job of it than telling you you can't cook, spend too much money on stuff that he disapproves of, you don't exercise etc etc...

pluperfect · 02/10/2010 18:48

If you feel relieved and lighter, that's an excellent result.

FWIW, your posts have highlighted some real negatives and not many positives - you've broken up with him twice, and seem to be dreading his reaction this time, which is not the most emotional way to be approaching a breakup if you truly are in love and are being persuaded against your better judgement.

Many people break up a couple or a few times before separating for good ; this has happened with me, too. Relationships can take a few tries to get out of, and yours would be even more like this, as there are so many other things holding you together/pushing you apart and making you both confuse feelings with obligations/guilt.

Good luck!

foreverastudent · 02/10/2010 19:26

happiest blonde- Social Housing is actually a more stable environment to raise children than a private let, where the landloord can evict you on a whim. The chance of illegal eviction is almost non-existant and the level of repairs is much higher.

LittleMissHissyFit · 02/10/2010 21:41

LOL forever, I read your comparison with Social Housing to raising children in a private JET!!!

happiestblonde · 03/10/2010 00:13

Because if you cannot afford to pay real level rent, how can you afford a child without expecting the state to pick up the bill? Contraversial I know but seriously...

expatinscotland · 03/10/2010 00:18

YAY! Another woman and her child saved from fucking up their lives for some guy by MN!

Well done to you for listening to the sense that was already in you.

Swipe left for the next trending thread