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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to feel a "no-kids" wedding is just "for show"

112 replies

stripes02 · 28/09/2010 10:08

We've been invited to a friend's wedding, but the invite states, in very diplomatic terms, no small children. Fair enough I suppose, but AIBU to feel that the occasion is therefore all about "the wedding" (ie the dress/flowers/speeches/cake etc) rather than "the marriage" (ie family/life long commitment).
I've now come to resent the whole thing, and have decided would rather not go, prefering the company of my 4 month old DD (who has been very well behaved at 2 weddings so far..)
(In the interest of fairness I should probably state I am not married and never intend to be, most have ever catered for was 20 people and that was stress enough!)

OP posts:
TrillianAstra · 28/09/2010 10:10

Your children are not in their marriage.

mumeeee · 28/09/2010 10:11

YABU. Weddings quite often bore small chidren. When my DD got married last year she invited children of family members but did not invite friends children. This was partly to do with cost and numbers at the venue. Friends were all fine with this.
In fact one said they welcomed the child free day.

domesticsluttery · 28/09/2010 10:18

I couldn't personally imagine not having had small children at our wedding, however DH's cousin said no children as they couldn't afford to cater for them as well as the adults. Might that be the reason?

rantyknickers · 28/09/2010 10:20

I love child free weddings at it is a great chance for DH and I to have some time together without feeling guilty Grin.

Also, of course it could be about the wedding - what else should it be about? Having had 2 children now (and you may realise this once the glow of newborness has passed) I now realise that my wedding was the last (and actually only chance) that everything was all about me and my husband.

Obviously I wasn't a complete bridezilla about the whole thing and I did have children there but, all in all, everyone was there for us and had a bloody good time.

Now noone gives a shit about me or my husband, and barely feign interest in our children most of the time, and our lives revolve around school runs, children's parties and organising babysitters.

I look back with fondness.

So all in all, yes you are being unreasonable, their wedding is not about your baby.

Poogles · 28/09/2010 10:22

I'm always relieved when it is a 'no kids wedding'! Gives me & DH a chance to relax and enjoy the occasion!

BIL is getting married in December and am dreading it as DH is best man so will have DS (4) & DS (2) to run around after on my own!!

At our wedding, we had a 'no kids' policy with the exception of our siblings during the day and allowed kids in the evening. This kept most people happy. Worst wedding we went to was one where they had LOADS of under 5's. The civil service was as short as it was legally allowed to be and you could barely hear what they were saying. In the end I think there was more of us outside trying to keep the kids quiet than were watching the ceremony! Probably not waht the bride had wanted!

Squitten · 28/09/2010 10:27

I took DS to BIL's wedding and it was such a pain! DH was the best man so was off doing wedding stuff all day and I had to wrangle DS (11mths) by myself in my nice dress and heels. ILs were very helpful but it was not fun.

DH's cousin's wedding was child-free and we had a much better time!Smile

PutTheKettleOn · 28/09/2010 10:27

YABU to an extent... we ended up saying 'no kids' at our wedding, not out of choice but because we were right up to our max number of guests so had to cut some somewhere! BUT at the time only 2 of our friends had kids and we knew they were unlikely to want to bring them anyway, and they both had parents nearby who could look after them.

Plus weddings are not really very child friendly... after our last experience of taking a 2yo and 2 month old to a wedding, i think we'll be leaving them at home next time!

However, i don't think it's realistic to expect people to not bring young babies, at the last wedding we went to I couldn't have left DD2 as she was too small.

GetOrfMoiLand · 28/09/2010 10:30

I think the OP is very unfair. Why (espeically if the bride and groom have no children) shoukd anyone invite children to their wedding if they don't want to? Some people would ratehr have a wedding which was adults only. You may be besotted with your baby OP but that doesn't mean eevryone else should be.

Bucharest · 28/09/2010 10:30

No, it's not all about show. It's about the fact that a wedding tends to be about the two people getting married, not about your kids. For once.

(and I speak as someone with a child, who hates weddings in general and would rather eat my own arm than go to one with or without offspring)

OrmRenewed · 28/09/2010 10:31

I think it's a shame when kids aren't invited but I don't think it's just about show. Often it is about cost. DH and I are 2, bring the kids and we are 5! Paying for 3 extra guests in order to have the company of the 2 adults you actually want is very expensive. If they children are significant to you - ie neices and nephews - it would be different but IME often close family children are invited.

coraltoes · 28/09/2010 10:32

No it is about her preferences at HER wedding. Your kids are not her problem. When i got married i was childless, why would i want other people's small kids tearing around my wedding when i wasn't that keen on kids anyway? I didnt want their noise, it wasn't a child friendly venue (tonnes of antiques), and i didnt want to have to consider childcare or entertainment or special menus. Funnilly enough when you pay for a party you choose who to invite...

SolidGoldBrass · 28/09/2010 10:32

FFS. Horsehair tampon wearer of the week.

getabloodygrip · 28/09/2010 10:34

Don't go then.
How tedious of you.

gingerkirsty · 28/09/2010 10:38

Here we go again.

We didn't invite children to our wedding purely on a cost basis. We were on a tight budget. Their wedding, their choice.

Having said had I had a friend who was BF a newborn I would definitely have said they could bring their baby, but that is not what you are saying, is it OP?

gingerkirsty · 28/09/2010 10:39

Grin SGB

Whitethorn · 28/09/2010 10:39

I dont have any problem with no children weddings.

I really think this is the difference between having children and not. When you dont have them you dont really want them around all that much and that is fair enough.

I think you are being a but selfish, although I appreciate that childcare can be an issue.

GetOrfMoiLand · 28/09/2010 10:39

Grin at horsehair tampon wearer

mayorquimby · 28/09/2010 10:41

yes. The exclusion of your children by a friend from their wedding speaks volumes on their views of family and their commitment to their wedding. Clearly they just want a pretty day.

AbsofCroissant · 28/09/2010 10:42

YABVU

It's their wedding - not yours. If you would prefer to spend time with your DD, then do that, but just because they're having a child-free wedding doesn't mean necessarily that they're not serious about their marriage.

FWIW, my parents had a child-free wedding, and are still married 30 odd years later. It definitely wasn't fo rshow.

Original poster
stripes02 · 28/09/2010 10:46

I don't think it is cost issue.
I'm still BF so would be difficult for me to go...
but in view of the above posts i will definately keep my outrageous views to myself outside of MM! Wink

OP posts:
coraltoes · 28/09/2010 10:47

stripes02...you might also consider that they are a couple who are not planning to have a family. Marriage does not = having kids, you do realise this don't you.
They can love eachother without their fertility being part of the equation.

OrmRenewed · 28/09/2010 10:47

You might be bfing but other small children won't be. The invitation was written for everyone.

rantyknickers · 28/09/2010 10:50

Stripes, if you are still breastfeeding and if the wedding requires an overnight stay, I would explain this to your friend.

She may say that small babies are fine (it's the toddlers/prechoolers that cause the disruption Grin) or she may not.

Her choice, your choice not to go.

justwaitaminute · 28/09/2010 10:59

It wouldnt bother me in the slighest if a wedding was childfree, their wedding, their choice. but then I never take my dc's to weddings anyway, (unless its a family one then my mum makes me) and nor do any of my friends. Its nice to get dressed up and have a child free day.

If you're bf though its a different story, can you not explain to her that it'd be difficult to come without bringing your baby. She might not want children but might not mind a young baby.

SiriusStar · 28/09/2010 11:10

My Dad had one request at my wedding, he asked for no babies during the ceremony. We agreed. It was in a very small chapel and would have been annoying if a baby had started crying as you can't guarantee the parents will take them out. For me, the ceremony was the most important part so you want to be able to hear what's going on.
The service was just over half an hour. We had 2 guests with babies who waited elsewhere and joined us for the reception. One joined us for the photos outside.
I have been to weddings where children have been bored and noisy or babies crying and parents have stayed in.
I totally think that it depends on the age of the children but after being to one with my children I wish I had left them at home. My dh spent the service outside as my dc and we left the reception early as they were tired and grouchy.
Yes, it could be because she wants to put on a good show but it could be that she doesn't want it disrupted. A blanket ban might be easier.