to feel a "no-kids" wedding is just "for show"

[stripes02]

We've been invited to a friend's wedding, but the invite states, in very diplomatic terms, no small children. Fair enough I suppose, but AIBU to feel that the occasion is therefore all about "the wedding" (ie the dress/flowers/speeches/cake etc) rather than "the marriage" (ie family/life long commitment).
I've now come to resent the whole thing, and have decided would rather not go, prefering the company of my 4 month old DD (who has been very well behaved at 2 weddings so far..)
(In the interest of fairness I should probably state I am not married and never intend to be, most have ever catered for was 20 people and that was stress enough!)

They have not stated your child is ugly.

So dont all resentful as if they have.

YABU.

I quite like my own children, but I'm not that keen on anyone elses. I love a child-free wedding. Luckily I got married young and there weren't many young children around. If I got married now I'd definitely exclude them.

YABU and precious!

Some people don't want screaming babies drowning out their vows. Not everybody takes them outside if this happens - trust me - I have been to two weddings which were utterly spoilt by this).

Some people also would prefer not to have young children or babies yelling/crying/screaming during speeches.

These occasions CAN be about the fripperies such as the dress, the cake, the flowers etc. Ours wasn't: it was about the priceless once in a lifetime (hopefully) experience of saying vows to each other that we would remember forever, and listening to the good wishes of family and friends in the speeches. You can't stop and do a re-run if these are inaudible because of crying children.

It's great that your DD has been good at the weddings so far, but irrelevant really as it can't be guaranteed this time round!

yabu
if they didn't have thier own children there I would agree, but can't see what other people's noisy children have to do with thier wedding

You are being unreasonable. We have been to many weddings where the children seem to have a free run of the church and reception - with their parents looking on adoringly - while they shout and scream and essentially ruin special moments such as vows and speeches.

We specified 'no children' on our invites but despite that some guests still brought them along - one screaming through the entire service (and the parents refused to do the right thing and quietly take her out of the church).

This is a topic that really gets my goat as I think 'no children' weddings are a chance to have a nice day with your husband and let the gradparents/extended family take over (which I'm sure they would be delighted to do).

I also feel that guests who kick up a fuss about the 'no children' thing are more concerned that they are missing the opportunity to parade their children like show dogs.

A wedding is about the couple - not what the guests want and you must put aside your preferences for that one day if you claim to be a good friend.

Rant over...just.

Do brides and gromes ban children from their weddings on the continent? Just wondering because they seem to be more family friendly where wedding are about celebrating with family, young and old.

My sister has announced her wedding and has stated no children at all. My wedding, which is in December, has lots of children going because to me weddings are about celebrating with all the family rather then having an un-naturally perfect day iyswim.

Each to their own of course. I will go to my sisters wedding, not make a fuss to her about the children not going. But really i will see the day as somehow false and pretencious because children are part of this world too and should be part of the celebrations of marriage. Not left behind because they aren't convinient at the time.

You sound incredibly precious and quite a bit up your own arse.

That is of coarse bride and groom not grome!

hobnobsaremyfave was that at me or someone else?

YABVU

I wanted no children at my wedding - it was all about dh and I. As it was, my cousin brought his children as there was no one else to look after them and they cried in the church. Clearly they couldn't help it, but it was not what I wanted.

I have just been to several second marriages and they all stated no children and they were absolutely great. A very grown up experience focused entirely on the bride and groom. Weddings I have been to with children at have a very different feel and actually feel less about celebrating the marriage of 2 individuals (to me) and more about a big family knees up.

I think you are reading too much into it. I don't think a "no kids" wedding is necessarily making it more about the wedding than the marriage. We married young (early twenties) and were very committed to the marriage, but children were just not on our radar screen at that point in our lives.

I love a child free wedding, me.

Our wedding (7 years ago) was child free. If we had invited everyone's kids there would have been around 25 and apart from this breaking the budget, I didn't want the entire day being turned into a children's party. I also particularly didn't want our vows to be drowned out by screaming infants (been to too many weddings where that has happened).

This had been made clear on the invitations and many of our friends & family were delighted for an excuse to have an occaison without the kids. Yet one of my oldest friends brought her 12 month old DS to the ceremony. She shouted throughout and I still haven't forgiven the friend.

I am starting to think that the 'No Kids Wedding' is a drect result of 'My Child Is /to Be Worshipped By All Parenting'.

There was a time when the kids were just part of the family, now it seems people think they should always be the focus.

I have never been to a wedding where children other than immediate family (sons, daughters, nieces and nephews) are invited. It would never even cross my mind that my children would be invited to my friends weddings - why would they be? They are not her friends. Its not up to bride and grooms to provide family days out.
My sister had my DD at her wedding and to be honest it was a pain in the neck. We had to get another friend to come along with us so she could put her to bed and sit with her during the evening part, otherwise we would have been sitting in a hotel room at half 8 whilc everyone partied downstairs. When my other sister gets married we will have to do the same. I'd rather not take them but I know she'd like them there as she adores them and wants them in the photos. Still I will be running around after them all evening trying to keep the entertained and quiet during church/ photos/ speeches.
Don't go if you are that upset, but if you are expecting people to include your baby in everything you are going to be disappointed a lot. Most people don't regard you and your baby as inseperable entities (thankfully).

I had a child free wedding - except for my children who were there for the ceremony and dinner. I gave my friends 9 months notice that I would be doing this. It wasn't because I didn't want children acting up and spoiling my day at all but we had a late afternoon wedding and an evening recpetion and I would have been very disappointed when a load of people buggered off at 9pm to take their kids home to bed. We love a big party and we wanted to spend time with everyone so this was how we dealt with it. It is not necessarily about being pretentious so YABU.

My DNeph. was 2 y/o when a family friend got married. He was rather fond of her, and screamed the whole way through the ceremony (he didn't get why she couldn't just wait 16 years for him)
Was highly embarassing for DB and SIL, but very funny for the rest of us.

MsSparkle, 'My wedding, which is in December, has lots of children going because to me weddings are about celebrating with all the family rather then having an un-naturally perfect day iyswim.'

This child is not part of the family, it is the child of a friend. Maybe there are no small children in the host family.

OP, YABU to want your child invited. Stay at home if you enjoy the company of DD more. Easy.

YABU - the wedding is not about you, and how you see marriage.

"There was a time when the kids were just part of the family, now it seems people think they should always be the focus"

Well put morloth! I prefer to think of our family being 5 people of equal importance not 3 people with 2 adults to cater to their every whim.

Agree with Trillian.

I had a childfree wedding, and you can judge all you like. We had both been bereaved before we got married (mine was particularly nasty) and we had serious concerns about whether I would be able to get through the ceremony without breaking down. So we had a small venue, and a small guest list, and a simple ceremony and no children. Perhaps every single one of the children that your friend knows is angelic in public situations, but that wasn't the case for me, and literally couldn't have stood it if I'd have had children running around or making a fuss.

Plus, as half of a couple who had severe infertility issues, it really bugs me when people go on and on about "the marriage" being about children and family. Our marriage would have been just as valid if we hadn't ever had children. They don't make you give back the rings if you're barren, you know.

I didn't invite the young children to my wedding. It was a numbers thing for cost and space based on the fact if I invited one it would only be fair to invite them all.

My now xh had 21 cousins all with partners. Between them they had 18 children, 6 of whom were old enough to have partners. Those 6 couples had 6 children between them at the time.

That would have been 73 guests before taking into account anyone from my side, his siblings and their partners, our parents any non related friends. Since we had calculated we could afford a maximum of 70 guests the fairest way seemed to be to invite parents, siblings, aunts and uncles and a few close friends. It was not intended as against children. If someone invited had been breast feeding and mentioned it to me I would have said of course bring the baby along

YABU.

Don't like the wedding? The venue, a grabby poem demanding cash-only as gifts, only being invited to evening do, no kids, etc?

Don't go.

"Well put morloth! I prefer to think of our family being 5 people of equal importance not 3 people with 2 adults to cater to their every whim."

So if, say, only you and your dh are invited to a wedding and not the 3 children, how is that being a family of 5 with equal importance? That to me is 2 aldults of importance and 3 childen who are an inconvience.

I don't think think children should be the centre of everything but i also don't agree that they should be totally disincluded.

They aren't of equal important to other people though. The wedding I'm thinking about in particular was of a woman Dh and I had known since she was a baby. We are good friends with her mother. They are quite fond of my DC but DH and I are the people they really wanted to witness their marriage.

If my DD (projecting ahead to teenage years) gets invited to a party, will I expect to be invited also? No, they are not my friends! So I get where Morloth is coming from in the fact that the family is made up of 5 individuals of equal importance, does not mean that they will always do everything together. Imagine accompanying your children/teenagers everywhere with whole family in tow!